Reddmax

I think one of the interesting things that causes anger and resentment in relationships with an alcoholic is the misplaced efforts the alcoholic puts into their worlds.

As an example, my AW puts a huge amount of effort into her work. Yes, she's gotten a promotion, but what irritates the crap out of me is that she can stay sober, make good decisons at work, wonder about the moral dimensions of what she's doing at work, improve herself, yet can't do any of those things at home. I have a demanding job myself, plus I maintain an afterhours business, but I make sure that I save the best of me for home. When she doesn't do that, it drives me nuts.

Red

theotherone

It's because she is under the influence and you are not. You will in time get to the point in your life where you find someone who can give back just as much as you if not more. Hang in there.

Bernadette

hey Reddmaxx-
Don't blame everything on the alcohol!! I mean, yes, an alcoholic, if they need to maintain their job in order to keep drinking, will put effort into maintaining their job, but my ex-H was not an alcoholic and man, it bothered me SO MUCH how accomodating and kind and ready to go he was for clients, but he couldn't even remember like the most important events in our family or show up for them.

Focus on behaviors. They always tell the truth. Drinking may just be one more unacceptable behavior in a long list of behaviors you begin to see as unacceptable and incompatible with a healthy relationship!
Peace,
B.

juju

My ah would never risk his job. He lived out of his car for 7 months, then bounced from place to place after leaving home at a young age. In his determination to not repeat, he would never do anything to jeopardize his job and financial security. So he always tells me.

Just last year, he was hitting the vodka bottle out of the COMPANY VEHICLE during work hours. Oh, but it was only a couple of pulls!

But I know what you mean. If he was given a choice of an activity with the kids, with me, or with the bottle, guess which one he’d pick? (OMG - as I was typing that, “pickle” came out instead of “pick”!!) Seriously, though, it’s hard to play 2nd fiddle to a bottle. He’d move hell and high water for drinking. But he can’t even arrange a babysitter so we can go out. It’s like he has a mistress. I am definitely not his 1st priority (or even 2nd after the kids).

At work, he is the hero. He puts his best face out there, and everyone loves and adores him. He fixes their problems with a smile, and all is well. That’s his buzz at work. It’s easy to hide behind a mask at work. Noone there knows his faults. They only see what he lets them see.

I’m with you on the anger. I’m full of it and I can’t stand it. It makes me cranky, then I get even madder cuz I’m letting it make me mad and cranky and then I’m not being the best mom/person I can be, so then I get mad all over again!

Barbara52

Redd, I know this is all new to you but, how about starting a thread about you and what you want rather than your AW? Can you begin to take the focus off her in here a little? Maybe that will help you put your foucs on you in the real world?

LaTeeDa

Anger and resentment comes from wanting reality to be different. If you hate the way things are, how can you ever be happy? Acceptance is the cure. Wanting things to be other than what they are causes pain, anxiety, suffering.

Acceptance fosters peace, happiness, and positive action. So, you can go on griping about everything she does that ticks you off. Or you can accept that what she does ticks you off. Now, what are YOU going to do about it?

L

Sweetiepie1

Is a little anger always such a bad thing? If it reminds you why you have left a situation and why you won't be drawn back/manipulated into simillar situations?

LaTeeDa

Here is a link I posted a while back regarding anger. You can decide for yourself whether it's a bad thing or not.

Emotional Competency - Anger

My personal opinion is that anger is a signal that something is not right. So, if it's heeded as that and used to fuel positive changes, it's served it's purpose. When I stay angry and it transforms into resentment, it becomes harmful.

JMO,

L

Sweetiepie1

I see your point and think that my anger is a short term thing and have many things in life to be very happy about

OverItNow

I think of my anger--at least anger about AH--as my motivation. For a long time I was not angry, just numb. But once I became angry, I became motivated--at least more than I had been when I was numb. When I am resentful, I relive until I am right back in that moment and can feel everything--even the physical stuff. I used to do that (still do a bit), but am learning that it won't get me anywhere--AH is still sleeping like a baby and is well fed, etc. In my life, my anger is more of an "in the moment" happening where I tell myself, "no, that's not right and not true, better do something to make it so." Again, my motivation.

I may be mixing up words and meanings, but it is working better for me. I am, no was the type of person that needed a fire lit under me to do anything. Now, I am the type of person who uses my anger to my advantage. And especially for those who are still in the relationship, like myself, the resentment is never-ending. How do you get over one incident, when another one is coming right around the corner? Gotta do for you. Can't take care of the bills? I'll take care of them and start a little account for myself. Can't see a way out of long-term money woes? I'll go back to school (online for those w/ kids like myself) and get my own education. Doesn't come home when he says he's going to? Good--peace and time to do for me. Wakes me up to call me names? Now I know why I never want to live like this again!

I thank him for this, I really do. Every insult, slight, irresponsible decision and all the other joyful stuff that come with living with an alcoholic propels me to have a better life--without this!

bookwyrm

Overitnow, I could have written your post!!! Anger keeps me going, helps me not believe the quacking and motivates me to work towards a better life.

prodigal

For the most part, I agree that anger at the A in our lives ends up negating our ability to detach and get past their quacking and insanity. However, there is one time anger worked in a positive way for me - the night I left my exAH. I was mad. I had stomached his abusive behavior for years.

I was scared of the guy and rightfully so; he had physically abused me over a period of years. A punch here, a shove there. Finally I got to the point that I was so infuriated that NOTHING was going to stop me from walking out of his life for good.

That one single time, anger was the necessary catalyst I needed to walk away from a crazy, abusive drunk. And it worked. He was so shocked that the "mouse" finally roared, that I got my clothes, my files, and my cat tossed into my car and out of that house in about 45 minutes.

And I only went back one time with the movers - and a protective order - to get the rest of my stuff.

prodigal

I agree with Barb. Redd, how about posting about yourself. Where do you see yourself a few years up the road? Would you like to move closer to your job? Do you have hobbies and interests you wish to pursue? How about recovery? Any plans to seek counseling? I'd like to hear some of the thoughts and ideas you have for yourself and your own emotional well-being and peace of mind.

cmc

Hi Red,
In my experience what causes my resentment is how I choose to react to what somebody else does. Most times I find myself struggling with resentments, it's more about myself and how I feel either comparing myself to others.

One of the best things about recovery for me is learning how to release than anger, forgive and make necessary changes in myself to avoid that kind of pain- that I chose to re-feel over and over.

I like this phrase alot; "Resentment is like drinking poison, and waiting for the other person to die." Having and/or holding onto those feelings held me back and in my experience created even more problems.

respektingme

That's SO true. One of my biggest concerns was that my AH was killing his liver. I feared for his health, feared that my children would suffer the death of their father, etc. The last time his liver enzymes were checked, he had just had blood drawn for a life ins. policy and he failed. His levels were off the charts. I really flipped out, convinced that his liver was already damaged too severely.

Then I got cancer. My nurse friend swears she thinks I got it from stress. I got it in my gut. After two major surgeries (and MAN was that a GREAT excuse for him to drink), I got a new perspective. I could die. I don't think I've said anything to him about dipping (he's dipped tobacco for 30 years and his dad died at 53 from cancer in his jaw) since I got cancer. He chooses to dip, chooses to drink straight vodka and chooses to do very little to change either of these facts.

What my illness gave me was a renewed perspective on just how selfish he/his disease is. My mom flew out to watch the kids while I was hospitalized. Thank God she did. If he wasn't at work, he was DRUNK. Bawled his eyes out to anyone who would listen. Man was he dramatic. I was comforting HIM. Just bizarre.

Now I don't see HIS death as the worst thing that could happen to our kids. It's MY death that would be the worst thing. So I have to work on taking care of me. He makes his choices, that's his deal, not mine.

Chrysalis123

I am learning that anger is a secondary emotion. By that I mean another emotion is under it. For example, I felt intense anger at XAH when he would not see his daughter (when she was in dire need of her Dad during the height of the divorce crisis for her) because he was having dinner with his new young girlfriend. What I was really feeling was intense abandonment, rejection, and humiliation triggered by what he did to the child.

I realized that I had numbed all my feelings to survive which was a great defense mechanism at the time. So in my case I am now starting to look under the anger to learn about myself, feel those feelings, and work on healing that part of me because walking around numb is not working for me now.

The anger is a great motivator though and useful for getting me to act instead of react.