fallingdown

some of you might know about the sister in law drama I've been having and her contacting my ex boyfriends wife who's an ex friend, yadda yadda. It probably doesn't need rehashing. But for weeks now what has been bothering me is my SIL having free reign over what to tell these people about me, what I think, who I am, etc. So what I did was, I e-mailed my ex friend (NOT the ex-boyfriend) and without mentioning my sister in law in any capacity whatsoever, I told her that I am very happy for her and my ex, that they look amazing, that I am sorry if I ever did them any harm, that the time she knew me was an ugly one in my life that I have since learned from. I told her that I would not e-mail her again, I just wanted closure and to tell her I wish her and her family many blessings and lots of happiness.

WHEW. I actually feel better than I have in weeks. I mean I'm afraid she's going to respond with something awful, but even if she does, I at least allowed myself the opportunity to speak for myself.

So did I mess up here? Should I have left well enough alone and stewed forever over what my SIL might have said to her?

Ananda

You did great....this is exactly how we clean up the wreckage of our past!

8

tommyk

Sounds fine to me, good job. Have you discussed this issue with your sponsor?

Taking5

Very nice. You took the high road and by not mentioning the SIL, that was good 9th step work right there.

Astro

Nice work! You did the next right thing, that's all that matters. Let go and let God take it from there.

fallingdown

Oh bless you guys, as far as making amends that is the hardest one I would have to make, and I've already done it!! Holy cow!!! And no Tommy, I don't have a sponsor. I have discussed the issue with my friends here on SR, and a few of my closest friends off the boards, and the consensus was, well your sister in law is a little nutty and you just need to keep turning the other cheek. Which is fine, I mean I'm fine with that, especially now, because I took control of the part of the situation that I could, and even before my SIL got in touch with them, I had been haunted by the way the whole situation went down and my behavior through all of it. So it was an amends that needed to be made. Now if she does respond with something bad, it will sting, but not nearly as bad as them never knowing the way I truly feel about them now.

Thank you again for the encouragement.

Err..by the way, has anyone ever made an amends that was not well received?

CarolD

Now....why not block some people from your e mail list?
....I save myself from much aggravation by doing this simple action.

Astro

Let's see if I can make a long story short.

When I made my amends to my ex she didn't accept it, she also wanted me to make amends to the guy she had an affair with and then married. So she grabbed the keys out of my hand and demanded that I do it.

He came out of the house and I totally lost it. The police were called, by the time they showed up I had him pinned to the sidewalk. He filed assault charges against me but never followed through with them, by midnight my ex had a restraining order against me. It kept me a safe distance from both of them for the first year, to this day I still respect that boundary.

What did I learn from that? God might provide me with the opportunity to make that amends again someday, but for now it's been put on a back burner. The time wasn't right then, we both still have some healing to do, and in the meantime I've made my other amends.

tommyk

Astro... ouch...! Sorry to hear that happened.

If anyone has any amends to make that they even 'have a feeling' could go badly - make the amends on the phone first, then if it 'feels' better meet them in person (but only if they are willing).

fallingdown

Astro that's a tough one, I mean it sounds to me like maybe her new husband is the one who owed YOU an apology. But nevertheless, it sounds like you have put it behind you for better or for worse, and I also believe as you do that you will someday get the opportunity to say your sorry if that is God's will for you. Thank you for sharing that story with me.

Ananda

amends gone bad?

well i just made an amend via email last weekend that I'm pretty sure isn't going to end up all glowy ending.

I used email to make the amend to my ex-sponsor who lives far from me because part of the amend was for drunk dialing and i don't know if she really would appreciate a phone call. This way she has a choice as to how and when to respond.

She has not responded, and it is very likely I am on her blocked list for her email. So, you know i may not get forgiven or anything like that.

I don't like it, but that isn't what amends are about. I have tried to appologize and have asked for her feedback on anything I can do to repair the damage I caused. And I stand ready to do so AGAIN if I should ever come in contact with her face to face (since she may never recieve that email).

I was taught that sometimes the best amend you can do for someone is to leave the the f*ck alone.....this one falls in that category.

So I am disappointed that it was not a healable relationship, but glad that I have done what I can today. So far none of my amends have resulted in any sort of glowy feeling for me or the person I made the amend to....sorta discouraging, but I trust the process to keep me sober an help me grow.

TTOSBT

Wow FD, that was wonderful and amazing! Good for you. You cleaned up your side of the street, that is all you can do.

CarolD

Please read the 12 & 12 on how to do an AA amend. Steps 8 & 9
Also...the word willing is important to remember.

I have written an amend to someone I could not find
prayed for them...burned the paper. ..over and done for me.

My amends are for my recovery growth.

Blessings

fallingdown

I understand Ananda, I mean about sometimes just leaving someone the f*ck alone. I think it's important that we at least make the effort and sometimes I wonder if it is selfish to impose our apologies on people for our own growth, but I don't think so if we are sincerely repentant to that person. When I think back to the people who have hurt me the most, if they were to contact me out of the blue with an apology, I certainly wouldn't be angry. I might not respond, but I would understand where that person was coming from by apologizing. Of course us folks in recovery tend to see things a little differently. Even if they were to respond with a big, "F YOU!!" at least we apologized and meant it, too. In my guestimation, drunk dialing is not the worst thing you could ever do to a person and I can't imagine how that would be unforgivable. I drunk dialed the people that I made amends to today too, about seven years ago. I was just calling to say "happy birthday" and the phone slamming down in my ear was a pretty good indication that they were not receptive. I never called them again. I agree, I like the idea of e-mail because it gives them time to contemplate how they want to respond, I think phone calls can put people on the spot.

SoBearish

Good job - glad you're feeling better

Taking5

I don't want to turn this into an amends thread, but it looks like it has! Step 9 says "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others".

So making an amends only for ourselves or just because we are sincere does NOT make it OK. It has to meet the underlined criteria above as well.

Also, as my sponsor has gone to lengths to explain to me, an apology does not equal an amends. An apology is almost always is part of an amends, but usually it takes more. For example:

You stole money to get high/drunk? Pay it back
You bad mouthed someone behind their back? Apologize and tell the person(s) who heard this that you were wrong to say the bad things
Your addict behavior cost your boss or coworkers trouble? Apologize and ask how you can make it right.

Source Quoted...First Edition of the book
Alcoholics Anonymous

Horselover

I think it also falls under this category also: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

FD - You definitely did your part in sending the email and how the party responds or not is out of your hands. Your Higher Power will take over now. Have a peaceful heart and as far as your SIL, she is out of your hands too. I say LET your Higher Power deal with her actions now because you've done what you can and did a great job might i add!

fallingdown

So dgillz, in this case then, just to briefly reiterate, years ago I ended the friendship because she was having a relationship with a guy I had dated for many years. He and I had since broken up and I was, ahem, playing the field so to speak, but I still had strong feelings for him. When I found out they were dating behind my back I threw a fit. I even showed up at his apartment a few times late at night, drunk, when she was there. Not to be violent, just basically crying and carrying on about "how could they do this to me". I finally got mad at her and just told her I didn't want anything to do with her anymore. But we were close friends back then, it hurt us both I think, to have things end so abruptly.

I have felt bad all these years because my behavior during that time was just wicked and controlling. I should have gave them my blessing long ago instead of turning my back on two people who were really, really important to me. It's not necessarily something I can "fix" at this point, I just felt I owed them an apology.

There's no way for me to really know if contacting her would "injure" her or her husband. I don't think it would, I made it clear I have been happily married for over seven years and that I felt the need to apologize for the person I was back then, and for closure. I don't know if that falls in line with making an amend but I feel like it does. If there was anything else I could do, besides apologizing, to make it up to them, I would.

Taking5

Fallingdown,

I was not making a judgment on your amends with my post, nor was I looking for details. Its just tht the thread turned into an amends thread and a) we don't make amends just to make ourselves feel better and b) an apology in and of itself is not always a sufficient amends.

fallingdown

Dgillz then I am sorry for the details. I read your post about amends on my thread, took it to heart and felt the need to explain the situation in light of what you posted. I thought you were responding to what I had posted, and apparently I misunderstood. I hope you didn't get the impression that I was being defensive, because I wasn't. I appreciate all of the feedback and information that I get from everyone here on SR.