daisylady

So much has happened over the past few months since I have been on here, but so much has stayed the same. My AH is still smoking pot and taking his anxiety and ADHD prescribed drugs. He hasn't used his DOC that I know of... I think he is on the marijuana maintenance program as some would like to call it.

The thing is, he is always mad at me, he is never happy. It is always about something I said, something I have done, dinner is not ready when he thinks it should be, the tone of my voice, I ask too many questions, I don't talk enough, I like my friends more than him, etc., etc. He says I don't love him and that I don't appreciate him. He wants me to go out with my friends but gets mad when I come home too late. He just recently stopped taking some anxiety meds that made him very mean. He is still upset with me all of the time, he just doesn't scream at me or throw things anymore.

During the time that he was on the "mean medication" I went out with my girlfriends and he read my journal while I was gone. There were entries in there about him going to rehab twice, not knowing if I wanted to be married through all of the chaos etc. I know I have invaded his privacy before, especially when he was using and I was going through his phone and wallet. Maybe I deserved it after everything I have done, but I am still hurt by it.

Maybe I should just be happy that he is not using is DOC but I don't understand why he can't stand to be around me. He thinks I suck as a person. I think I am a cool person, a good wife and a good partner in life he thinks that I have a lot of improvements to make. He says he is not happy and he is sick of "my crap." He says I am not willing to change. I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I just thought things would be so much better if he stopped using his DOC. The reality is, things are not better.

In the mean time, I am still taking care of myself. I have continued running and going to the gym, I still hang out with my friends and spend time with my family. He is not going to ruin that for me! If I feel like he is manipulating or acting like a 10 year old I just walk away. Last weekend he threw a fit about something (I don't remember what) and he told me he wasn't going to go to the lake like we had planned. I told him that I wasn't going to be manipulated and that I was going without him and I left! HA!!! It wasn't ten minutes after I left and he was calling me asking me to come back and get him!

I just want my husband to be my partner in life, not someone who is constantly criticizing everything I do. I know this is all over the place, I just need to get it all out. Thanks for listening/reading.

marle

A good way for an addict not to face their problems is to make it about someone else. You just keep doing what you are doing. He will either get it or he won't. He needs more than just stopping his DOC to become a better person. He needs meetings or counselling so that he can work on himself. Unfortunately you can't make him do that, only he can. Sounds like you are working on yourself and keeping your side of the street clean. Good for you. Hugs, Marle

ladyamalthea

I agree with Marle. Addiction consumes so much of an addict's life that they become a different person. Unfortunately, if he is not getting the counseling he needs, little will probably change as quickly as you would like to see it happen.

I am so glad that you're not letting this change your life so much. The good news is, the day that you left him and went to the lake, he actually called you and wanted you to come back to get him. To me, that shows that he at least realizes that he is causing his fair share of the problems (in his mind... he'll probably never want to admit that it's ALL him).

Just keep taking care of you.

daisylady

Thank you all, sometimes I think I am the one who is crazy and then I come here and you all make me feel so much better. My AH is going to counseling (and a shrink) but with his work schedule sometimes it is hard for him to make it. He has an appointment tonight so we will see if he makes it.. Thanks again!

BayAreaPhoenix

You are doing great it sounds like. The crazy making and adolescent behavior is difficult, at best. Reading your post I could relate on so many things from over the years of my marriage - I just didn't know where it came from at the time.

Keep sticking to your side of the street! You know what you are and who you are, don't let him take you down to his level - deflection! My AH is the king of deflection. Argh! When I feel confused, for any reason, while dealing with my AH it's a sure sign, whatever it is, I am being lied to and/or manipulated. It has helped me a lot to realize when this feeling even twinges up, or my eyebrows meet from trying to understand, to let go and let him quack.

Good luck and stay strong!

marle

As long as he is willing to work on himself, I do believe that things will improve with time. I am sure you have heard the saying that "time takes time". Just like we can't be perfect in our recovery, neither can the addict. Just don't let him guilt you into thinking it is all about you because you know that it is not. Just keep taking it one day at a time and things will get better for you. And thank you for your post. I have a daughter in early recovery and she may be moving home next month so I need to keep hearing the message. Hugs, Marle

Denoraphy

daisylady,

I hear the same thing from my AH. Not only does he nit-pick everything about me, he makes things up.

All that I can figure out is that he is so miserable with himself that he wants to try to make me look like I am the cause of all of his short comings. Keep up the good job taking care of yourself, it sounds like you have a good grasp on reality.

teke

hey daisy, glad to meet you. sorry about whats going on. i agree with the others. keep the focus on you, sounds like you are doing good. try not to take his actions too personal. i literally almost lost my mind trying to be all that my ah had convinced me that i wasn't. it kept him from having to look at himself making it easier for him to continue his using. praying for you and your family

hope213

daisy, this has been going on for so long. i know the whole story. i think about you often & wonder how things are going. the truth is, he is not changing. our addicts can stop using totally & not change if they do not get a program in there life. it is NOT you,it never has been. i am glad you are going places & doing things that YOU want to do.do not ever let him take that away from you. i am sorry for all you go thru. it is still up to you how much you are willing to take from him. my prayers are still with you & him & your little family. hugs,