AA Sponsor Questions
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Rye, NY
Posts: 6
AA Sponsor Questions
I am 9 months into my recovery and have been going to AA for about 7 months now. I was resistant in the beginning. I thought I could do it on my own - not uncommon, but I am beginning to see this differently as I work through the steps. If you can get someone to help, it is unreasonable to refuse to take it.
I have been starting to attend more meetings and get more involved. This is taking time, but I am working on it.
A few months ago, I met a guy, named Bill, I knew at a meeting and our relationship quickly took off. We had always gotten along and it was apparent that we did not lose our connection. He became my sponsor.
Earlier in recovery, I was excited to do the steps and wanted to move forward quickly as many newcomers make the mistake of doing. Bill discouraged me from moving too fast. He bought me pamphlets on the first few steps and asked that I read them so that we can discuss. We spoke every day in the beginning and that soon began to moved to every other day. We got together occasionally and had great conversations about life in general and recovery. The problem is that we have not done a single step together. I have mentioned a few times over the past month that I would love to get through the first few steps with him as my guide - thinking that we would get together, discuss the step and then I would formally have completed that step. In my mind, I was trying NOT to let my typical type-A personality drive my progression through the steps and yield to someone more experienced in recovery.
This past weekend was the July 4th holiday weekend and Bill had plans with his girlfriend. We are both busy, but have not gone more than two days without talking over the past 6-7 months. This past weekend, I left him 4 messages between his home and cell phone without getting a call back. My final message stated that I was worried about him and hoped nothing happened to him. He called back the afternoon of my last message and said that he has problems with his cell phone. He only received one of the messages and was having such a good time that he forgot to call me back. We had not spoken for almost a week at this point.
My question is about sponsorship and the commitment I should expect from a sponsor. Perhaps, I have not been as needy as others since I have a hard time in general asking for help (who of us does not?). When we spoke after fourth message he acted as if he did not think it were a big deal, but somehow I cannot accept that. It was very disappointing. It was a holiday weekend when most of us think of drinking. My first impulse was to reach out to my sponsor, and friend, to see how he was doing. I think it is reasonable to believe that he would do the same with other alcoholics that he knows. I understand we all busy. It is out of character for him. I thought he might have had a relapse which worried me.
I know I need to talk to him face-to-face about it, but have been avoiding it somewhat. I am trying to be more easy going and check myself on my expectations of people and situations. Perhaps, our relationship is one of friends and not sponsorship?
Any thoughts or advice from those of you out there that have been through something similar.
I have been starting to attend more meetings and get more involved. This is taking time, but I am working on it.
A few months ago, I met a guy, named Bill, I knew at a meeting and our relationship quickly took off. We had always gotten along and it was apparent that we did not lose our connection. He became my sponsor.
Earlier in recovery, I was excited to do the steps and wanted to move forward quickly as many newcomers make the mistake of doing. Bill discouraged me from moving too fast. He bought me pamphlets on the first few steps and asked that I read them so that we can discuss. We spoke every day in the beginning and that soon began to moved to every other day. We got together occasionally and had great conversations about life in general and recovery. The problem is that we have not done a single step together. I have mentioned a few times over the past month that I would love to get through the first few steps with him as my guide - thinking that we would get together, discuss the step and then I would formally have completed that step. In my mind, I was trying NOT to let my typical type-A personality drive my progression through the steps and yield to someone more experienced in recovery.
This past weekend was the July 4th holiday weekend and Bill had plans with his girlfriend. We are both busy, but have not gone more than two days without talking over the past 6-7 months. This past weekend, I left him 4 messages between his home and cell phone without getting a call back. My final message stated that I was worried about him and hoped nothing happened to him. He called back the afternoon of my last message and said that he has problems with his cell phone. He only received one of the messages and was having such a good time that he forgot to call me back. We had not spoken for almost a week at this point.
My question is about sponsorship and the commitment I should expect from a sponsor. Perhaps, I have not been as needy as others since I have a hard time in general asking for help (who of us does not?). When we spoke after fourth message he acted as if he did not think it were a big deal, but somehow I cannot accept that. It was very disappointing. It was a holiday weekend when most of us think of drinking. My first impulse was to reach out to my sponsor, and friend, to see how he was doing. I think it is reasonable to believe that he would do the same with other alcoholics that he knows. I understand we all busy. It is out of character for him. I thought he might have had a relapse which worried me.
I know I need to talk to him face-to-face about it, but have been avoiding it somewhat. I am trying to be more easy going and check myself on my expectations of people and situations. Perhaps, our relationship is one of friends and not sponsorship?
Any thoughts or advice from those of you out there that have been through something similar.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Old Saybrook, Connecticut
Posts: 6
My first Sponsor was simply the wrong match for me. I asked him before I knew him very well - I didn't talk to him daily - We had very different ideas about some things (which isn't bad necessarily, it just didn't work for me). I had huge angst about moving to a new Sponsor, as I felt like I was doing something wrong (classic alcoholic thinking).
My unsatisfactory Sponsorship - really no sponsorship -and some good old-fashioned complacency - led to a horrific relapse. I had several days (hospital detox) to review my situation, and knew I needed a Sponsor - I also knew who I wanted, having attended a lot of meetings prior to relapse. We have a great relationship, and if not at meetings together, we talk daily - not even at length, just a quick check in.
My former Sponsor is delighted/relieved that I have a new Sponsor. I'm interested to see other replies, but my feeling is YOU do what you need to do to feel you have the right Sponsor! And honesty is an awesome thing... it shouldn't lead to anything hurtful or resentful, IMHO.
My unsatisfactory Sponsorship - really no sponsorship -and some good old-fashioned complacency - led to a horrific relapse. I had several days (hospital detox) to review my situation, and knew I needed a Sponsor - I also knew who I wanted, having attended a lot of meetings prior to relapse. We have a great relationship, and if not at meetings together, we talk daily - not even at length, just a quick check in.
My former Sponsor is delighted/relieved that I have a new Sponsor. I'm interested to see other replies, but my feeling is YOU do what you need to do to feel you have the right Sponsor! And honesty is an awesome thing... it shouldn't lead to anything hurtful or resentful, IMHO.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
...Welcome to our recovery communityand well done on your new sober life!
I agree...Bill is a friend in recovery
rather than a sponsor.
Please read the official AA guideline for sponsorship
You can usually find it on the literature rack at meetings
"Questions and Answers on Sponsorship"
gives valuable information for both sponsees and sponsors.
When I finished my formal Step work
I considered my recovery was on a stronger level.
..Hope the same is true for you
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
After careful consideration of your situation, SG, I think it all boils down to "responsibility". Yours, for your own recovery...your sponsor towards those he agrees to sponsor. I would hope his sponsor is more receptive to his needs. But, everyone has different ideas of what it means to be a sponsor...some are very set in their ways and behave like drill sergeants, while others can be so laid-back you might just as well have no sponsor at all. I hope you can find one with whom you'll be compatible.
Sponsorship isn't a 'til death do us part relationship. If you don't feel you can come to a satisfactory understanding of what you expect and what he's willing/able to offer, shop around for someone else.
Sponsorship isn't a 'til death do us part relationship. If you don't feel you can come to a satisfactory understanding of what you expect and what he's willing/able to offer, shop around for someone else.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
SG, i do understand what your talking about and asking...
on the asking part... to thine own self be true!
for me, my first sponsor and i had nothing in common...
other then our alcoholism, selffish thinking and the like...
he had a great understanding for the most part of the steps...
he showed me the steps...
we parted after the two year mark...
i knew who my next sponsor would be, and stil is...
he shows me how to live the steps...
he is currantly very ill, how that man handles his situation, is just awesome!
good wishes SG
rz
on the asking part... to thine own self be true!
for me, my first sponsor and i had nothing in common...
other then our alcoholism, selffish thinking and the like...
he had a great understanding for the most part of the steps...
he showed me the steps...
we parted after the two year mark...
i knew who my next sponsor would be, and stil is...
he shows me how to live the steps...
he is currantly very ill, how that man handles his situation, is just awesome!
good wishes SG
rz
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
A sponsor/sponsee relationship really, really (REALLY) needs to be discussed openly and upfront to be sure both parties know what to expect from one another. And this open line of communication needs to continue.
The biggest thing I have realized with my sponsor is that he is in recovery, he has issues just like we all do, he is human. He is not in the program solely to support me.
I figure that if I'm 85% - 90% satisfied with my sponsor that's great, there's always room for improvement, but I feel that way about anyone & everyone.
The biggest thing I have realized with my sponsor is that he is in recovery, he has issues just like we all do, he is human. He is not in the program solely to support me.
I figure that if I'm 85% - 90% satisfied with my sponsor that's great, there's always room for improvement, but I feel that way about anyone & everyone.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 700
SG,
My sponsor never took me through the steps.. He was the person I sought out when I wanted to quit drinking.. took me to my 1st AA meeting .. spent many weekends hunting and fishing together and attend many AA meetings together, will see him tonight at one. We did it the friendship way. We were both young when we started out and I think it was the only way he knows. I will be forever grateful towards him.
The flip side of that .. It took me 5 years to work through the steps. I must be lucky.. most folks don't make it on the fellowship alone for that amount of time. I came close to relapsing .. Looking back now.. I wished he would have taken me through the steps right away. Be he did the best he could.
When I sponsor .. I get them going on the steps right away using the Big Book. Usually takes 2 months.
I know many that have more than one sponsor. I see nothing wrong with having one as a friend and another to help you through the work. I tell my sponsee's they can have as many as they want.
Hope it helps. Good Luck
My sponsor never took me through the steps.. He was the person I sought out when I wanted to quit drinking.. took me to my 1st AA meeting .. spent many weekends hunting and fishing together and attend many AA meetings together, will see him tonight at one. We did it the friendship way. We were both young when we started out and I think it was the only way he knows. I will be forever grateful towards him.
The flip side of that .. It took me 5 years to work through the steps. I must be lucky.. most folks don't make it on the fellowship alone for that amount of time. I came close to relapsing .. Looking back now.. I wished he would have taken me through the steps right away. Be he did the best he could.
When I sponsor .. I get them going on the steps right away using the Big Book. Usually takes 2 months.
I know many that have more than one sponsor. I see nothing wrong with having one as a friend and another to help you through the work. I tell my sponsee's they can have as many as they want.
Hope it helps. Good Luck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Rye, NY
Posts: 6
Thanks, everyone for your thoughtful responses. I take a few key things away: (1) A sponsor is in recovery also and is only human (2) You must each set expectations up front (3) Your sponsor can and probably will change through the course of sobriety
I really appreciate everyone's help.
I really appreciate everyone's help.
Seriously Fun!
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: California coast
Posts: 415
My first sponsor did not work out for me either. The one I have now is great, and we can see eye-to-eye.
I have heard in meetings that sometimes people have gone through many sponsors.
Don't give up on the program, but at the next meeting look around who raises thier hand to be a sponsor. Hopefully you will see someone who you want to talk too.
And I like the idea of telling Bill that you want to do more, and would like to keep him as a recovery pal.
I have heard in meetings that sometimes people have gone through many sponsors.
Don't give up on the program, but at the next meeting look around who raises thier hand to be a sponsor. Hopefully you will see someone who you want to talk too.
And I like the idea of telling Bill that you want to do more, and would like to keep him as a recovery pal.
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