lovtolaff

Sheesh. I've actually been doing REALLY well the past couple of days. I love him and I miss him but I KNOW that I can NOT take him back. Actually, I'm pretty sure that I don't even WANT him back b/c there is WAY too much water under the bridge at this point.

However, I'm feeling guilty about things like....maybe I did "bitch" too much about the drinking or maybe if i would have been more open minded this wouldn't have happened. He is a hard worker - worked his butt off actually at work and at home. Mostly yard work b/c he could drink more that way but he wasn't lazy, never missed work, etc. So he did have his good points. But I'm also feeling really sorry for him right now b/c I know he is hurting too but yet continues to blame our breakup on me b/c of all the "fussing at him".

I've got some plans made for myself for the next few days that I am honestly excited about (first time in a LONG time I've felt happy excitement) but I'm feeling guilty for feeling excited. Does that make sense?

I really feel DONE with him this time...but I feel like if I move on too quickly and stop grieving too soon than I'm "cheating" him out of something. What is wrong with me???

NeedHappiness

Lov, nothing is wrong with you! I am experiencing much the same feeling right now about my XABF. I asked him to leave the end of June and he HAS moved his things out fof the house, but he has nowhere to go yet, so he's been hanging around when I get home from work. Finally had to get nasty about it last night and I have been down in the dumps every since then.
I don't know why some of us continue to carry the guilt that we do. I have questioned myself too. what I did for myself this morning was to go back and read my journal that I started over a year and a half ago. It gives details of what I have had to deal with over time. It made me realize that THIS has been going on for a very long time and I have been expressing the exact same feelings the entire time. Nothing has changed except I have decided that it's time to take care of ME. I am VERY sad that the relationship didn't work out and I DO still love him. I love HIM, not the disease. The disease has stolen away the man I fell in love with.
Each day I have thanked the Lord for getting me through another day. Try and not feel guilty about being excited about your plans. Just take one day at a time. I hope that things get easier for us as time goes on. Chin up

lovtolaff

Yes it feels extremely weird - almost like I'm doing something wrong.

Most everything we did revolved around being able to drink. Either that or yard work (which I happen to love). But we didn't do REAL dates like go to dinner (who wants to eat when you're working on a 12 pack?) or if we did go to dinner it had to be somewhere that served alcohol; no going to the movies; nothing that didn't involve a bar or alcohol.

I don't want to feel sorry for him - he has crushed my soul with his latest shenanigans and I feel hurt, betrayed, and just plain exhausted. It should be MY time to shine now right?????

ToughChoices

You are speaking very clearly about this. Whatever has transpired between the two of you has changed your relationship to the point that you no longer desire a relationship. You are a smart person. You have come to this conclusion after much thought, much pain, much effort.

We do not always behave perfectly. We get angry and frustrated, and we have our own issues to deal with.

I came to realize that I played a role in the mess of anger and disappointment that was my marriage, but so did my husband. No one person was to blame.

You sound like you're willing to take responsibility for your contributions to relationship's end. Is he? Taking the blame for the break-up won't fix the unhappiness behind the break-up.

Keep your chin up.
-TC

lovtolaff

No. He is not. He STILL does not think that he has any sort of drinking problem. He is telling people that he is the one that chose to leave (not true I told him to leave); that the reason we broke up is because I "fuss" at him all the time (mostly true b/c we were arguing alot in the last month or so over his attitude towards me while drinking); telling people that I am calling and texting him and begging him to come back (SO not true as I don't even know his new phone #).

It's all just too much. He is hanging around with some skanky girl right now and I know part of it is so he doesn't have to "feel" anything about us being over. But if he loved me so much than how can he be with someone else SO soon????? And I'm the one feeling sorry for him?!

ToughChoices

He sounds like he is in a bad place right now.

It is so hard to watch people that we love in pain - it seems very natural for you to contemplate what you could have done differently to prevent the current state of things.

But ask yourself this:
Do you want to try again? Do you think that changing your behavior or your way of thinking would be enough to make the relationship a happy one?


All you can do is take care of your issues. His will remain until he is ready to address them.

Take care.
-TC

lovtolaff

This is where I get foggy...I would LOVE to be with him but it is not possible. Even if he cleaned up and worked a program - how can I forget all the stuff that has happened? Especially the part about picking up the skank the night of our break-up? How do you get over that? I feel like he nailed the last nail in the coffin with that bad choice. My heart tells me that if he sobered up and got clean - then yeah maybe I could take him back but I feel like he disrespected me by not taking 5 damn minutes to think about our relationship and instead jumping in with someone else immediately. I can't let that go.

Uh no. I changed my behavior several times and nothing worked. Just more and more alcohol no matter how I behaved and no matter what I said or didn't say. I begged for couples counceling several times to no avail. His answer was always "I'll cut back" - yeah well, that never happened.

Mair

This feeling will pass my friend, it's part of the course. I always put myself last, and feel guilty if i put myself first. Codie thing probably.

I think you are doing really well, remember you deserve a happy life. Dont feel guilty for wanting that.

Mair xx

dunerkat

lovtolaff - each of your posts on this thread could have been written by me. He knows that I miss our home, dogs & doing yard work and stuff around the house.

He has picked up skanky women and then later made sure I knew about it. I stand back and realize most women would have never put up with any of the stuff I have for many years. It seems to go on and on.

I know it's hard to try and move on when you still love them. I love my ah, but the part I love is so deep down in him that I rarely see it. All I see is the alcoholic part, and that is not a pretty sight.

It will be a rocky road for you, but I think in the end you will see your life in a new light and be glad you made the choices you did for yourself.

Take care.

lovtolaff

Yes it's DAMN hard when you love someone but know in your head/heart that you HAVE to walk away from them in order to preserve your sanity.

Right now - I hate him - then in a minute - I'll love him. I just want to get to the point of "indifference" with him. I'm mad because I feel like I should have known better when I met him - I should have listened to my gut - I should have ended it sooner - I should have known that yes he did have so much potential but potential is JUST THAT.

I'm trying my best not to think about him and what he's doing b/c it tears my heart out. Is he hurting like me? Did he REALLY love me the way I thought? Aaarrrgggh.

I'm going ahead with my plans tonight - even though I feel like I'm the one doing something wrong by getting out and enjoying myself - I'm excited and nervous at the same time but it's not the same nervousness of being in a bar with Xabf wondering what time we are going to get thrown out.

This board has been a lifesaver to me this week. Thanks to all of you.

AskingWhy

Right now - I hate him - then in a minute - I'll love him. I just want to get to the point of "indifference" with him. I'm mad because I feel like I should have known better when I met him - I should have listened to my gut - I should have ended it sooner - I should have known that yes he did have so much potential but potential is JUST THAT.

WOW. I couldn't have said it better. I've been out on my own for four months. At first, I thrived on the anger that resulted in the final blow up that caused me to end the relationship. Then I went thru a period where I hoped that me leaving would cause her to see her problem.

Now, I'm in the grieving stage because I've had to give up someone I really really love with all my heart. It's been complicated by some personal contact for the first time in four months this week and I've second guessed myself so much and still am.

This hurts so much that I don't know if I can ever get through it. But being in the relationship was so hurtful and toxic as well. I'm dealing with depression along with all kinds of anxiety and a mix of other feelings including lonliness.

I've tried to go out and do things and keep busy, but for some reason my mind and my heart just aren't quite ready to let go. I can only hope in time that they will be.