respektingme

The past few months, my AH has been nitpicking me all the time. He's sarcastic, thinks he's funny at my expense, whatever. He's been working hard on analyzing our budget and is eagerly awaiting a meeting with me so he can prove just how much gets spent in every category, and how we are in a recession and we need to make a budget and stick to it. He spends money on lunch and vodka. He doesn't spend money on anything else. I take care of the household, in its entirety. He thinks weed killer is not a necessity.

So, he called me Tuesday, after a weekend full of sarcasm, and wanted to know whether to email me some spending questions or to talk about it over the phone. I told him that he had nerve hassling me about money right after dogging me all weekend in front of my family, and getting tanked. I told him he has forgotten how to be nice. So, we didn't speak for 24 hours.

I wanted the war off because it's just stressful and does nothing. I called him at work and made nice. He said he was thinking about calling me to apologize. Then he said he had to go and would call me back. He never did.

This morning, he hands me a printout of numbers and asked me to look it over. I told him the timing is bad, that I think he's zeroed in on my spending and can't see anything that he's doing wrong. He got pissed and left.

So, we spoke on his way to work. In a nutshell, he said my problem is that the only problem I see in our marriage is that he drinks. Said I need Alanon to clean up my side of the street. Things I need to work on are what I spend and stop talking about his drinking with him.

Bottom line, I need to clean my side of the street and keep my eyes on my side of the street only. Part of the problem with my "spending" is that he lumps up a trip to Walmart as groceries. He has no idea what is actually being purchased. I suppose I could save all my receipts. Then again, almost everything we buy, short of canned food, is a luxury. Bird seed, clothes, cell phone, etc. So I imagine that he'd be reviewing every purchase I make with complete scrutiny.

This is complicated. Basically, he's telling me that his drinking is HIS concern and not mine. But my spending is HIS concern also. And he did end up apologizing for bashing me this weekend, but also said he bit his tongue "1,000 times".

He made some sort of comment about hoping the next guy I meet lives up to my expectations, and then said something about not really caring if I leave because he doesn't know if he can afford me.

He makes $300,000/yr. He was so pissed that I bought 3 heads of lettuce from Costco for July 4th weekend and nobody ate them. When I mentioned the lettuce, he said it's so much more, just so much more.

What is this business about keeping my eyes on my side of the street? I can't go to the grocery store without him rifling through the bags when I get home and saying, "What did you get this for?".

I think I know what you're thinking. But I want to get some job experience before I make the final decision about my future. I haven't worked in 11 years. I do have my degree, but I'm so scared about entering the workforce. I plan to enjoy the rest of my summer with the kids and to get a job this fall. I think it will help my confidence. Till then, I'm going to try not talking about his drinking. He may take that as a free pass to drink every single night. I can't change that.

The other thing is, I have an appt. on Tuesday with an oncologist. I've had cancer before and am going in for my annual checkup. I'm afraid it might be back because I've had some symptoms. Right now, I need to maintain some calm in this house while I figure out my health and my career.

Any ideas? I don't really care if he knows what I spend money on. In fact, if he saw the receipts, it might open his eyes as to things we need that he never thinks about.

miss communicat

wow.

it sounds like you guys are mixing up issues more than is productive. i see money and budget as one separate issue. i see power and control is another. drinking/codependency is yet another.

part of the dysfunction in alcoholic families is this sort of confused communication. it is not entirely the fault of just one participant, but rather, each one contributes to the dynamic of confused communication.

you both may want to unload the bags you bring to the table before beginning these talks, and decide in advance which (pick only one) topic you are "allowed" to discuss. decide in advance what your mutual goals are, to see if you can stay on that track together. if you cannot even agree that there exists a single mutual goal, then don't bother a discussion. it is simply a battleground at that point.

i would take some time to reflect on what your most achievable goal is, then try again. good luck.

LaTeeDa

My marriage was also a power struggle. It's really not about the money or the drinking. It's about "winning." The more I tried to control him, the more he tried to control me. If I criticized his drinking, he would criticize my lack of affection. If I said he didn't help out around the house enough, he would say I spent too much money. It's a power struggle, pure and simple.

I think not talking about his drinking is a wise decision. It takes two to battle and you can choose to sit it out. Unfortunately, until the pain of staying becomes greater than the fear of leaving, you will remain stuck.

L

respektingme

LaTeeDa,

That's exactly what my counselor said. He said when I've had enough, nothing will matter anymore, I will just be done. Nothing could keep me around.

I've been given advice that my AH needs to "hit rock bottom" and that he'll stop drinking only after we leave. And that he doesn't believe I will leave. This coming from his sponsor. And while I so much appreciate his support through this, if we leave, I don't really plan to hold my breath that he'll stop drinking or that we'll get back together. I think he will have made his choice, as he already has. It's like I am told to kick him out as a means of shocking him into sobriety. I really don't think that would work, and besides, he'd have to be sober about a year before I'd ever really believe it anyway. And by then, we would have moved on with our lives. I mean, after living with an alcoholic, I'd never want to live with another one.... active or recovered. Too much risk.

So I think I'll settle down, keep my mouth shut about his drinking, and try to manage until I can't manage anymore and work on me. I'm thinking about trying pharmaceutical sales. Anyone know about this job field? I have a degree, which they require. And no experience, which isn't necessary. I'm pretty good at conversing with people. And the money seems pretty good.

Barbara52

When I decided to leave my xAH, it was after numerous times telling him I would do so if he did not change. He didn't believe me. The day I left came as a complete surprise to him. Of course he had forgotten all the times I said I would do so and now claims I did it without warning or reason.

When I left, it was for me, not to bring about any change in xAH. I had hopes then (and still do) that he would take a look at himself honestly and get into recovery. He did stop drinking for a couple of months (until he accepted I wasn't coming back) but then went right back to it. But my leaving was not to push him into anything. It was because I could not live with his alcoholism any longer and need a better life for me and my boys (even though they are young adults). By the time I left I knew the marriage was dead and I would never go back.

i4getsm

I think you're right on about not saying anymore about his drinking. Set boundaries and consequences that protect you and your kids. You don't have to say "you're drinking again!"...just remove yourself from the room and go do something else. KWIM?

I completely agree with LTD that it's a power struggle. Been there, done that. Both of you are deflecting the issue to something else that you feel comfortable addressing because you're "right". He sees your spending as a way to deflect your anger about his drinking and you are doing the exact opposite. Make sense? So why not do like he says (clean up your side of the street) and take away his argument. As far as the money goes, pick a number and tell him that's your new budget. I wouldn't want my H going through my bags nitpicking every purchase. That's just an argument waiting to happen.

As long as you continue to participate in the arguments/discussions, they will continue...and he will continue to have something to talk about besides the pink elephant in the room. You can take your power back from him just by not getting mixed up with it. (((HUGS))) And, you don't have to leave if that's not what you want. All marriages have their challenges and lots of people figure out how to have good lives within them. Figure out what is best for you and your kids no matter where you are. You can make it work for you.

respektingme

That's what I usually do, ignore his stupid remarks. I mean, we sat down and had a legitimate discussion on a budget a while back. I don't mind that. Saving money is not something I'm opposed to. And when he's bickering about money, I can usually ignore him. What bothers me is when he makes crappy comments to my relatives about me. This past weekend, he and a relative of mine were in the kitchen when he started going off about the large container of strawberries I bought. "I HATE it when she buys in bulk!!! This will NEVER get eaten." So, my relative felt awkward. Later, she and my dad were busy making plans so that all the strawberries would get eaten. My dad made a special trip to the store to buy a pie shell and made strawberry pie.

My AH eats out as Jason's Deli every day. He loves fresh food. He hates it when I buy produce and every bit of it doesn't get eaten. He's rather we exist on canned food, or prepackaged food. Sorry, I've had cancer already. I'd rather not live on canned food.

Anyway, for the most part, I do ignore his stupid remarks. And while that does buy my way out of many arguments, his feelings of injustice/intolerance/judgment/criticism.... and RESENTMENT grow and grow and grow, and his comments become more frequent and more frequent. Nothing about this business of drinking is constant.

I do think I humbled him a bit when I painted the scenario for him of watching his future son-in-law speak to his grown daughter as he speaks to me, and how his son-in-law would be so sadly mistaken if he assumed my AH thought his demeaning sarcasm was cute. He'd leave his daughter's house thinking, "Man, what a ^#$(&!", which is exactly what my family thinks when he does it to me. That seemed to humble him a tad. Won't change anything, besides perhaps slow down his negative thinking. But it'll speed back up and we'll do this over and over.

The weird part is, he was abused as a child. His mother is nuts. Oddly enough, he remains fiercely loyal to her, which I suppose is common. But his demeaning sarcasm works well when his family is visiting us. As justified as he makes it sound ("I bit my tongue 1,000 times"), I've never once made a crappy remark about him or to him when he's been drunk in front of both his family and mine!! Talk about biting tongues! Well, the truth is, I'm not tempted really to shame my husband in front of people. Guess that's because I'm not an alcoholic.

LaTeeDa

Other people feeling awkward is their issue to deal with, not yours. Let it be between your AH and them. You don't even have to get involved.


HIS feelings of injustice/intolerance/judgment/criticism? Reread your statement above and tell me there's none of that on your part.

This is what I was referring to when I said it's a power struggle. You feel the need to "humble him?" Wow. No wonder he feels the need to nitpick you. I'm not trying to insult you. I recognize a lot of the same behaviors going on here that were once second nature to me. I felt soooooo superior when I "put him in his place." Until I started addressing my own sick beliefs and behaviors, nothing changed. I understand how much you hate hearing it, but I think maybe cleaning up "your side of the street" is good advice.

Just my two cents,
L

respektingme

That's some good food for thought LaTeeDa. I'll have to think about it. I think when I've had enough, I do opt to lash out at him to get him to back off. But perhaps that's not what's in order. Perhaps I'm drifting into his side of the street. Man, I think it takes a saint to be married to an Alcoholic. I don't think I'm a saint, or even close to it.

One thing I thought of is that I assume to take on all the shopping for the family. He works near a grocery store and doesn't seem to mind when I ask him to pick some things up. Perhaps I'll send him grocery lists more often, or include him on purchases. Truthfully, I don't know how that will go necessarily because he has never once expressed an interest in anything related to shopping, like zero. He'd rather watch tv. But if he is going to assume that everything I spend is frivolous, maybe including him will help me think twice about my purchases and also give him a chance to see where the money goes.

Kindeyes

First, let me say that I hope that your appointment with the oncologist goes well and that your fears are proved wrong. Certainly stress can be a factor with cancer, so finding that serenity spot is very important to your health.

I think Miss Communicat has an excellent point. Trying to talk about all of the problems at once just confuses the issues and causes conflict. As you know, money is the #1 cause of conflict in a marriage. It caused conflict in my marriage for years until we finally came to a solution that worked for us. (My DH is not an alcoholic but he squeeks when he walks...he's so tight with money.) We opened his/hers/ours checking accounts. I buy all of my clothes, household pretties, etc with my money. The joint account takes care of all the household expenses. His account is his to do with as he pleases. It is working very well for us.

The job market......I read about women on this forum all the time who are looking for jobs so that they can stop depending upon their husband for financial support. As an employer, I'm always looking for good people......where are they? Somewhere out there are employers who are begging for good people! You have a degree. You are an intelligent woman. You are VERY employable! Don't be afraid! You are an ASSET and you can bring great things to the table. Like the Nike ad says.......just do it! It will give you confidence and a new perspective on your life. Independence is empowering!

gentle hugs

LaTeeDa

FWIW, I don't think it takes a saint. But, it does take a huge amount of self-awareness and self-discipline to prevent his insanity from causing your insanity.

Also, I think it's a great idea to ask him to do some of the shopping. If he's unhappy with the way you shop, maybe he should do it himself.

L

Pick-a-name

Thanks for this thread......so much food for thought.

theotherone

What an eye opener to see someone else experiencing the same actions from the alcoholic...I think they are members of a club that get pointers on how to screw with the people in their lives.

If I didn't know better, I would think respektingme and I were one in the same except for surviving in different states. I have discovered that moment in time where I have decided with more clarity that ever that I want out. I can't live one more day with the convulouted accusations and filthy name calling from a raging alcoholic.

He doesn't have a problem...I do. He drinks (15 pack a night) because of me and my "mismanagement" of our lives. As of yesterday I am a f.....g c...t and have managed to drag him down financially because of my frivolous spending. He doens't have a problem because it's only beer!

A little history...He was married before and had one child...very bitter divorce. Was in court for 15 years for support and visitation issues. While we paid lawyers cash, our living expenses went on credit. Only the lawyers got rich on that one!

Fast forward...We are married 19 years (together 26) have two sons, 14 & 16...He has lost "only" three jobs and we have had to start from scratch or dig out each time while still paying lawyers. He has chosen to not be involved in kids lives or finances since the beginning. The latest and last straw is that being the f.....g c...t that I am, I forged his signature on our income tax return and stimulus check and spent the money on me. He forgot that he signed the electronic filing and that both checks were electronically deposited into our joint checking account...no signatures required. When I told him it went towards bills he damanded his share and when I told him we are both responsible for the debt...he went balistic and told me I would be arrested for forgery.

I do not drive a fancy car, I do not own a fur coat and live in a modest home in the suburbs. It is expensive to raise teenagers, especially growing boys! He too thinks anything outside of canned goods are not necessities. I work full time and always have, even a second part time job but got tired of refereeing over the phone between dad and kids. My kids needed me at home more now than when they were little. I make $25,000 more a year than him and managed to pay off $67,000 in debt over the last 3 years without racking up more...clothes and expenses are all paid cash. I also saved the house twice from foreclosure by the grace of God. He has no idea and has never bothered to even look at expense sheets I have prepared for him so that he knows where the money goes. I carry all health, dental and life insurance. Oh yeah...I don't drink...because I can't (and choose not to) and would rather raise my kids as a responsible adult.

I can't do it anymore...it's that time of year where I need to register the boys for school and have a lot of additional expenses with sports and school supplies. I thought I could try and pay everything off and then only have the luxury of a mortgage...(Only $4,500 left to pay on debt.)

Once the monthly expenses are paid, we don't have much left, but I can sleep at night knowing the bills are paid and my kids are fed and have a roof over their head. And yes I know I am more fortunate than most.

We have been down this road before...he's on a rampage and will make sure he takes his pay check out of the joint account and refuse to pay towards anything that is not given to him in bill form. We will fall behind on mortgage and utilities while he rants and rages....I'm now done...I can't do it one more time. I will seek an attorney this week to find out my best strategy for divorcing. How I will pay for it is another story...

With the support I get from all of you here and my counselor along with Al-Anon and taking it "one day at a time", this too shall pass and I will hopefully find peace.

respektingme

theotherone,

I hope you find peace too.