Book available for free online
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Book available for free online
I just posted this over in Friends and Family. Thought I would put it here, too.
Free Self Help Guide for Adult Children :: Taming Your Turbulent Past :: Gayle Rosellini & Mark Worden
Enjoy,
L
Free Self Help Guide for Adult Children :: Taming Your Turbulent Past :: Gayle Rosellini & Mark Worden
Enjoy,
L
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Wow. I just read the chapter on perfectionism. There was an expectation that this would be all about how 'hero' children can learn to let go of their high self expectations, and the expectation was wrong. My personal ACOA category generally, not always, fits the 'lost' or 'adjuster' child.
The chapter discussed how perfectionism is an underlying cause that makes the less outwardly successful offspring create a minefield for themselves (for myself) with poorly envisioned goals.
There was a wonderful section about 'lowering your standards'. It sounds like the worst possible advice, positively un-american! (apologies to brits, aussies, kiwis, irish, and all others who know more languages than I). It actually makes a fair amount of sense - get to your goal by focusing strongly on the adequate goal, and diminishing the perfect one. The intent here is to avoid trigging anxiety and paralysis of the will.
I have a theory that ACOAs get caught up in perfectionism because with an addicted parent there are no interim half-way points that a child can see to achieve the goal of a normal loving parent. Most children learn ways to attract attention and/or care to some degree - little possible steps that achieve a little affection. For an ACOA, all paths to achieving affection are blocked but there is still an instinctive need to have a loving parent, so the solution is to desire the goal and not think about the path to get there. And this becomes a life habit - fix on a goal that will create so much anxiety that the goal will be unreachable. The anxiety sort-of becomes the only valid evidence to prove to oneself that one is at least trying to achieve a normal loving relationship, or a successful (insert recent failed goal here).
OK that was a bit of a ramble. But the book looks like an excellent read - which I will get to after I grade all 35 of these papers in front of me perfectly in one sitting!
The chapter discussed how perfectionism is an underlying cause that makes the less outwardly successful offspring create a minefield for themselves (for myself) with poorly envisioned goals.
There was a wonderful section about 'lowering your standards'. It sounds like the worst possible advice, positively un-american! (apologies to brits, aussies, kiwis, irish, and all others who know more languages than I). It actually makes a fair amount of sense - get to your goal by focusing strongly on the adequate goal, and diminishing the perfect one. The intent here is to avoid trigging anxiety and paralysis of the will.
I have a theory that ACOAs get caught up in perfectionism because with an addicted parent there are no interim half-way points that a child can see to achieve the goal of a normal loving parent. Most children learn ways to attract attention and/or care to some degree - little possible steps that achieve a little affection. For an ACOA, all paths to achieving affection are blocked but there is still an instinctive need to have a loving parent, so the solution is to desire the goal and not think about the path to get there. And this becomes a life habit - fix on a goal that will create so much anxiety that the goal will be unreachable. The anxiety sort-of becomes the only valid evidence to prove to oneself that one is at least trying to achieve a normal loving relationship, or a successful (insert recent failed goal here).
OK that was a bit of a ramble. But the book looks like an excellent read - which I will get to after I grade all 35 of these papers in front of me perfectly in one sitting!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
