Selah

I don't care what people say...I understand co-dependant, I get it that my happiness can't rest on someone else. But mine did and I'll forever cherish that. I'll know that I believed in someone so much that I gave everything, I sacrificed myself in ways I never thought possible because for once in my life I thought someone loved me all the way. In the meantime I've been destroyed and waking up is hard to do. I welcome thoughts of life not being worth it.
It's been two months since I left him, I took so much abuse, mind games, money problems, lies, harassment from other women, from his family...all of it. And I feel like the trash he treated me like. Why can't I separate from these painful feelings and move on. Why do I feel constant guilt like I'm not good enough, why do I want him to hurt like I hurt, why do I want to say mean things to him and tell him how bad he's hurt me, why can't he get better, why can't I feel better, why did it have to be him who showed me love could be real and then relapse into full on cross addiction. I'm so tired, I am literally exhausted. I don't even know why I'm writing this, i read the books, i've gone to the meetings. Nothing changes. I am angry, full of resentment and I know that the person I've become through this whole experience has to be viewed as extremely unattractive. I couldn't even tell my story to a new love...if that's even possible...I'd be too embarassed that I put up with this. That I was weak, that I exploded and said terrible things, reacted that way.
I thought love was supposed to be a great and wonderful thing, how can it turn into such a sick joke?
Do you know I once tried to explain how sick he was to another female...she didn't believe me ( of course the master manipulator was working his magic) do you know I cried for days...I begged this girl to leave us alone, she thought I was the nuts one...I was so tired of being abused and lied about and lied to and the emails from this girl...that I posted her phone number on the internet? Do you know I had to go to court for that? If you knew me you would know I am not that way...that never in my life have i ever been that beat down. Ever felt that helpless, ever felt that I had to finally stick up for myself...I put that phone number up....was feeling revengeful...she would know what it's like to receive those calls...it was only 20 minutes...i went for a run, i started crying bc that just wasn't me. I came home immediately took it down. Weeks later my house was searched and computer comphiscated...just for this. I HAD TO STAND IN FRONT OF THE JUDGE, not her, not him for his drug use...I took the heat. And no one cared why it happened. At this age...probation for a year. Omg I can barely write it. It's so surreal. How ashamed I was...and I had corrected my mistake without even being asked and still I was severly punished. I despise myself as much he despised himself.
I never knew someone elses illness...addiction could make me so insane, so sad, so depressed, so sick, so helpless, so frozen, so dumb, so so so ashamed, so embarassed so unable to do it anymore. I just can't take it anymore. I dont want anymore meetings, I dont want anymore books...I failed. I fell in love with the wrong person, I supported the wrong person, I made the wrong choice. And it'll be years before I am healthy enough to engage in a healthy r/shp again. It's too much...I'm just not up for it. I could never go through this again. I just didnt know...I just didnt...

ladyamalthea

*hugs*

I'm so sorry you've felt so much pain. At one point in your post, you called yourself weak... I have to disagree. Anyone who can go through the mental anguish this guy put you through and come out of it without being either in the nut house, dead, or addicted as well, is a very strong person. Sure, it may take time to heal enough for you to feel ready to date again, but what's wrong with that? I don't think you've given yourself enough time to really be able to have a sound notion of who you've become. Two months is a drop in the bucket. Wait and see how you feel once you've finished that probation. And please keep coming here, and talking to us... we thrive from helping each other to gain strength. You're totally worth it, please don't give up on yourself.

cece1960

((((Selah)))
Its not the mistakes we make that matter, but that we learn from them and grow.
The hurt you feel takes time to heal. And as they say here, time takes time.
You're among friends here...and we care.
(((Hugs)))

Selah

I feel like a beat down idiot who is still in love with an addict.

ladyamalthea

You're being too hard on yourself. Don't forget how manipulative they are! It's part of their sickness.

Just remember that he doesn't deserve you. You deserve to be happy and healthy, and anyone who gets in the way of that does not deserve you. I promise it will be better in time; just be fair to yourself. You wouldn't expect a friend to get over something like that so quickly, would you? Do the same for yourself. You've earned that much

cece1960

Well...if it makes you feel better, my first husbnad left me for another woman when I was pregnant with my third child (two babies already in tow) and I STILL tried to "win" him back...the clod

As time passed I realized I really didn't want the prize afterall.

Most who know me now would NEVER guess what I was willing to endure.
I rarely look back

((((Selah)))

Lem

Super big (((((hugs))))))).

I know how you feel. I can't even imagine some of the things I did to try to "get back" at the CH. You are going through the grieving process - at least, know that you have FINALLY escaped physically. Even if you still feel mentally trapped - the longer you are out of his presence the less the pain will be. You will survive - you will move on - and you will finally one day realize that he is not worthy of YOU. Not the other way around. Chin up.

lightseeker

I agree with Anvilhead. Take care of yourself the best that you can. I'm shocked at some of my past behaviors that I stooped to when my RAH was in active addiction. The relationship meant more to me than my self respect. You are not alone. You are having a lot of feelings about what has happened but try and remember that they are simply feelings - they are not facts about you. You are strong strong strong that you were able to get away from him. Not only were you dealing with an addict but an abuser. Patricia Evans has written a lot about abuse that really helped me. I know that you want to get away from the books, readings, meetings, etc. but I couldn't help but slip that referral in. A lot of times in my past, I felt like the codie books and Alanon were simply trying to teach me ways to stay in the crap of a relationship that I was in at the time. That was just my perception at the time and wasn't true - but I do understand the need to take a break. Don't be hard on yourself about what happened with your computer. If we haven't done the same I guarantee that we've wished that we had. Dealing with a lying, cheating, abusive person sets all of our inner firefighters to reacting....that is a part of you but it definitely does not define you. You have the satifaction of doing everything that you possibly could to make your relationship work....that it didn't is absolutely no reflection on you - it was an impossible situation and the Queen of Sheba could not have made it different. You were caught in a trauma vortex and when that happens we feel and act crazy. That is the typical scenario - it gets turned around that we are the ones that appear to be crazy. Well, we aren't and you aren't. The only thing crazy was the situation. Your survival skills got you out. Time will allow you to heal and put it all in perspective. Believe it or not - gratitude is around the corner - gratitude that you made it out alive.

I understand what you said about loving someone. I've come to realize that loving someone with all of my heart is good - but loving someone more than myself is not.

Lots of loving hugs going out to you right now. I truly am sorry for your despair but I do know that you will heal in time. Please keep posting here and know that we care.....

teke

hi, sorry you are hurting. not long ago, i was right where you are so i do understand. i agree with the others, i think you are being way too hard on yourself. i've been married to my ah for 22yrs, it can get better for you. i understand the anger but it can keep you stuck and make you physically sick, jmho.

no excuse but sounds like your addict is doing what addicts do and i know by now you've heard it all before, but maybe its time to try to forgive yourself and find a way to forgive him too. in time, all those who didn't understand the decisions you made for yourself, will understand. you are here, that makes you a winner. i think you are a very strong and courageous person to make it this far. keep posting, venting and whatever else you need to do for you but giving up is not an option, its not allowed here, sorry.

seperating yourself may have been the most loving thing you could have done for you and your addict. trust me, i know. i'm in recovery myself and it took my family to let me fall by myself before i realized just how desrtructive i had become to myself and those who loved me the most.

you and yours are inmy prayers

Selah

I feel like i'm the desperate one now...that even though I've let him go...i have good days and bad days and on bad days I have to hear from him that he still loves me and that he's not getting better and he's not happy with out me. I feel so selfish but I can't help but take it personally...like I wasn't worth it, like I'm still not worth it. Last night after 10 weeks i agree to see him. I should've known when I heard his voice on the phone..that he was high....I didn't wanna be at the bar with him so I agreed to let him come over to talk...do you know he actually took off and left me waiting? took off to some bar ? for hours...until 4:30am I got a phone call..and my stupid butt was still willing to pick him up, was still concerned...he ended up driving a half hour away -- so horrible, I cannot believe the amt of drugs & alcohol he combines and never ever has been in trouble..not arrested, not pulled over, not caught buying at gas stations...not once...and I lose my temper one time? and he continues to throw that in my face..that now I'm considered an angry person, his family agrees. I am angry but I think I deserve to be.

teke

addicts do and say what will work for them. none of his actions is your fault,you have nothing to feel guilty about. maybe it would help if you if you could find a way to detach from all those who want you to take the blame. i can't count the many times i've done the same things as you and i'm sure we are not the only ones here. it only gets worse unless he decides to get help for himself. there is nothing you can do to help him short of helping yourself. i'm sure you've done all you could so far to help.

i've heard it all before and in my active days, i've said it all myself. i don't doubt he loves you but only in the way he knows how, not the way you need to be loved, besides, he has to love himself first and so do you. hang in there, stand your grounds. in taking care of you and your needs, you will probably help him more than you know.

try not take it personal but for now, seems like his first love is his doc. you are a caring person and i'm sure he knows how to get to you, but you don't have to let him or the others. i think you are doing good. still praying for you and yours

ZombieWife

You want him to hurt like you hurt because if he knew just how bad you felt and what this did to your body, mind, spirit, heart and soul, he would have no choice but to stop because nobody should have to be in this kind of pain. He won't feel it or understand it because that means he has to face it. It's a lot of guilt, to put someone through that kind of pain. It's easier to just keep hurting them, hoping they leave, then hoping they don't leave. Vicious cycle.

And my dear, sweet, lovely person, if it hurts that much, it's not love. It's sick and rotten. It will heal over time. Cliche. Sure. May not help you a lot now. But someday you will wake up and think, "I'm going to be ok." It will hit you, just like that--a gentle lightning bolt. And you will realize that life does go on and that nobody can beat you down.

I'm so sorry that you are tired and exhausted. It can wear you thin, all of it, shave away pieces of your soul and your vitality. You are human. We are only capable of taking so much abuse, so much hurt and pain before our glasses overflow and what comes of that . . . well . . . we sometimes lose control. It builds and builds, the busts like a stretched balloon, or it deflates and is never quite the same again--lacks the elasticity and flexibility.

Please understand that you are not alone. We all have had crazy thoughts, done things, said things. We are pushed to breaking points. Forgive yourself. I doubt anyone here judges you for what's happened, but instead say to ourselves, "wow, I know how that feels." I sit here and think, "hmm, maybe I would have done the same thing."

Take care of you now. Work on you. Get better. Love yourself. Live life. The BEST revenge is good, clean, healthy living and personal success and happiness. Those who have wronged you will loathe that you have risen up from the ashes like the phoenix and gained peace.

Don't give up. We're here for you. The people here, they read your words. We may be miles away, but in our hearts we are right there with you.

Light and Love...

:ghug:ghug:ghug

Impurrfect

(((Selah)))

For a long time, I wanted my XABF to know how much he hurt me, to apologize (and really mean it), to make things all better. This, coming from a recovering addict, so I KNOW that none of this is possible while he is still using.

I dwelt on it for a long time, but did manage to stay away from him and he never contacted me (he lives 2 hours away), and since he's on the streets, there was no way to contact him. This all turned out to be a good thing. I went on with life.

I've spent the last 25 years in relationships with A's and I guess I finally hit bottom. I finally accepted that I had a big part in what went wrong, because of MY actions. If I expect a certain behavior from them, I am only going to be disappointed. I guess I'm just tired of spending so much energy trying to get someone to do something they don't want to do. It's physically and mentally exhausting.

I have no doubt I was loved by the 3 A's, but their version of love and what I want in a relationship are worlds apart. I hope you can put your focus on you and take it off of him. I wish I hadn't waited until I was 46 years old to figure that out!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Jewelz

Selah,

You are not alone I believe most of us has been where you are with all your feelings. I understand the feeling completely of wanting them to hurt... wanting them to feel something so they could get a little of what we are feeling.

Right before our previous holiday season I was in so much pain mentally... so crazed that i literally chased my boyfriend out the house with a bottle of bleach. I wanted him to hurt... to feel pain.... wanted him to suffer from my hands. Thank god when i did run out my home my dog followed, got loose and he started chasing after these little kids. At that moment I woke up mentally and got my dog. If my dog didnt run out my home I could have been in jail, my boyfriend could have been seriously hurt maybe blinded. Addiction whether we are the user or the loved one takes us to some crazy places.

Well what I am really saying is that I understand how you are feeling. Try some way to find some peace for you. By the way you are an incredible strong woman even if you are unable to see it at the moment.

hugs,
jewelz

rahsue

I agree with everyone above, you are strong otherwise you would have cracked while being abused.
When someone dies they say there is a process to go through and one of these steps is anger, well in my opinion, when we let someone go or are let go we go through the same processes and one of them being angry. Two months may seem like forever while going through the pain but really, it's not a long time at all, you need more time to get through this. It will get better, promise.

stay healthy, find some healthy things to do with your spare time, and all will play itself out and be good.

littlebird77

wow thank you for sharing. I feel like I'm looking in a mirror.

krhea75

(((selah)))
Sorry for the turmoil....know that you are in my prayers

Sara21

I agree with all the other posts. YOU deserve happiness and love (the healthy kind) because you are worth it. What happened in the past has happened, try not to dwell on it and let it control your present and your future ( I know this is easier said than done). All the sadness, the resentment, the pain and anger all come with loving an addict. We have all been there. It seems like you are around some negative people and I'm sure that is part of what is pulling you down. Try to focus on healthy, positive things that will help you reach YOUR goals. Keep coming back, we are all here for you. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers.

greeteachday

Hugs to you. I know how difficult it is to see past the pain. I've learned that the only way past it is to go through it, and that is what we are here for...to help you journey through it to something much more wonderful on the other side.
One thing that helped make my journey through the pain a little easier was coming to the realization that I was the only person with the power to free myself from being a victim. If I continued to see myself that way and feel overwhelmed with all that had happened in the past, I would stay put. I had to make up my mind to live in today, in the moment, and not dwell on all the past hurts and problems in order to start digging out.
Easy to say; harder to practice, but I found my outlook changed when I decided to change how I viewed things. And once my perspective changed, things changed for the better. Hugs