lilbit

Just got done watching Dr. Drew on VH1 do his Celebrity Addiction news thingy.
Not sure if THAT guy is an addict...in recovery or whatever...but he shure does know a lot about addicts and alcoholics. I think ya need to be one to really "get" one. Doesn't matter I guess...we are all addicts in our own special way. Yes...all of us...
Getting SOBER and CLEAN is easy but... STAYING SOBER and CLEAN that's the tricky part. Gotta stay busy with productive behavior.
I garden. Never was that into it before...but now it takes up a lot of the down time...and the responsibilities are endless.
Sure, I can do THIS! Now it's keeping the damn stunt going...that's the hard part.
It took days to get the plants in the ground...the mulch...the endless weeding...and now it's all about watering the lil buds out there.
I'm doing it...and the compliments are coming across the yard from the neighbors. It's nice. Beats being a drunk or druggie any day. I'm even loosing weight and getting a tan.
But there are those times where I want to be selfish and just "forget" I'm an addict. Just blow it for one afternoon...yeah...just one.
Can't.
Not tonight.
I am an addict...and I can't "control" my addiction by drinking or drugging. Even if I do jump off the wagon once....I know I'm just a bad day away from justifying another drunk day and night the very next week...or day...or hour.
Ain't easy being in control of my actions.
But I'm doing it. Just for today...all day...one day at a time.
Thanks for letting me ramble if ya read this...hope I don't get anyone in a funk from THIS thread...I'm trying real hard here...even if I can't keep my hermit crabs in their cage to save my life....

RobbyRobot

lilbit,

i needed to hear that just now, not because i may slip today, but because your words resonate with such music in my heart from my past when i wanted to deeply relapse, but i just didn't, and that day played out any ways, and then the moment was gone. its good to remember.

it's your words "I know I'm just a bad day away from justifying another drunk day and night the very next week...or day...or hour."

your words slay my denials and heal my needs. and that's a good thing yay!! hahaha

Rock On !!

Rowan

Thanks for sharing this, lilbit. I find gardening very therapeutic - especially pulling the weeds from the ground to make way for new, healthy growth. Kinda like recovery.

whiskerkissed

Who could POSSIBLY get in a funk with a post like this. It's really very uplifting and full of hope. Keep tending your gardens...you're blossoming more than a garden from a patch of earth...

lilbit

It's just the summer "down the shore" Jersey sorta thing. Everybody goes NUTZ and drinks their brains out...and I wanna drink or get gone...I mean...THEY ARE ALL DOING IT!!! Right?
Ah....just sucks to know what I am...but also a blessing. I now know I can do anything if I set my mind to it...except being a priest...er say...President...but I NEVER even thought I could garden...!...or even get to liking these cats I've been feeding (they have been keeping the rabbits away from my garden).
Funny how we can still change. And even get to like it.
Just takes time I guess...and I have a bunch of years now...and I don't wanna die THAT way....I mean...drunk or on drugs....
Not THAT heat stroke would be THE way to go....
I gotta not push myself...typical addict...do it til ya hurt....ah....some things never change...

Rowan

Cats! You like cats! Yay, you've been converted!

whiskerkissed

LOL Rowan! Cats are a good thing...I have to agree. Don't have anymore here, but my door will be opened again when the dogs get adopted that DON'T like cats...:-(

lilbit

Well...I guess I like 'em...named one Kitty Mow Mow...not sure if it's a boy or a girl...the other cats pick on it...scratched 'em up a bit....and I keep trying to get it to eat closer to my home...and it's doing it....
What's up with the tail and azz thing though?
I mean...it keeps turning around and showing it's butt...not sure how to take that.

Rowan

maybe Kitty Mow Mow is a boy ..

lilbit

Maybe it's the food....my lil dog is more mad than anyone.
He looks at me and it looks like he's thinking..."you're kidding me! Now we're FEEDING these things?"

whiskerkissed

The tail/a$$ thing - it's sort of an invitation for you to get to know it better. That means it's starting to accept you even if you can't pet it quite yet. You'll get there. If you sit patiently with a can of tuna...you may just have a fast friend in a couple of days...if not sooner...:-)

lilbit

I'm just allowing change to happen...kinda following this path I'm on.
I use to just exist with my life...drink and try to get trough the day or night....now I'm a part of my life...I mean a real part of it....doing stuff I never thought I would do....kinda like when I was drinking...but without the "I'M sorry about last night" kinda stuff...

lilbit

Still...I get jealous when some go out and party....and come back and tell me...
Almost like I got left out of going to a great party...except nobody really seems to have had all that great of a time...strange.
Must be the guilt I guess....

lilbit

Yup...now I like cats. But I just LIKE 'em...okay.

Rowan

On a more serious note, the change in you really shows, lilbit. You've really grown and changed, even in your short time here at SR.
I'm glad you're with us!

lilbit

I believe I'm just accepting myself. Still...me...but I dunno...guess I'm tired of being in trouble all the time...

Ananda

llilibit.....you are an inspiration on how much courage and humor a person on this path can have.....and you are allowed to let down your gaurd...it helps me know I can lower mine as well!

My son and I "re-bonded" as adults watching Dr. Drew.

and please don't forget to keep up your crab thread....it has really helped me stay out of my own self pity this week!

love ya girl!!!!

Daddio

Hey Lilbit. If cloning ever gets perfected I'm gonna need a sample from ya..

What a great post. I am going on two years sober and just recently have been having these weird urges to have a shot of hootch. Kinda like a FU, I can do this sorta urge. But your post really put things back in perspective for me. Thanks.

I also really like your writing style. I have been trying to come out of my highly regimented engineer/nuclear power background and lighten up a bit. You do show that it's OK to be what we are and enjoy some humor. I've always felt that humor is an integral part of our lives and should not be spared.

Again thanks.

Oh yeah. CRABS AND CATS RULE!!!!!

Klynn33

The crab issue is never going to die off I don't think. I sure hope not. It's way too funny to stop now......(please don't make too much of an effort to catch them)

I loved the Dr.Drew rehab show. funny they didn't call me to go??
oh yeah.......only a celebrity in my own little world. bummer.

lilbit

Well the crabs are still running amuck in my home...I'll update in the other thread..it is a daily saga.
But...last night I had this dream I was homeless with my brother (he's an ex-boxer) and we were begging at a bus stop for some rum money. I went in to this store and bought a bottle of half drank hooch (this is gonna be strangely re-late-able to some hard cores here) and drank it on the bus with my brother. The shame was unbelievable. I just kept thinking how wrong it was...and I couldn't enjoy the high. I even thought about all of you here...on this site...and how let down I was about my selfish behavior.
I must have been dreaming so hard...I was grinding my teeth and chipped one....
Better from a scary dream like THAT than chipping it in real-life!