The party's over
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
The party's over
Well it happened as I thought it might, but not this soon. After exactly 9 days I thought is was 7 or 8 but 9 days of being sober - I came home from work to my AH bening dunk off his butt and passed out on the couch. the house a mess which I cleaned from top to bottom yesterday. My hearth fell to the pit of my stomach, I was so upset. I cried and let it out and just left him there passed out half on the couch half off the couch. I am in my computer room with some music on and some candles lit and a really good piece of choclate cake. I know there is nothing I can do about this, so i am trying to still have a good nite. Normally I would wake him and start arguing and begging him to tell me why.
he had not had 9 days under his belt for being sober in a really long time. So I was really dissappointed.
Tomorrow we have another therapy appointment and he is start the campral. I am not sure what his excuse will be this time for this drunken episode but I have a big huge fear that it is about his job and he may lose it. I don't know what I will do then as we have a mortage to pay and will be out on the street in a couple of months if we can't pay it. i will not take full financial responsibility. I refuse to support him finanically - I already enable enough and am trying to work on changing that.
Do you think this is just a fall of the wagon, the therapist said it happens a lot in early recovery? Does it mean that he does not want to try anymore? He is to start the outpatient program that he wanted on 7/30 - he wanted to start sooner but they would not take him before that.... I know I am worrying to much again....I can't help myself - I wonder if i will ever break this cycle of me always being the one that worries.
I will tell him tomorrow that should another episode happen like the night he was taken to the hospital and put in restraints that i will call the police again and have him committed. Not to try and gain control, but to get some peace for me - I thought that was his rock bottom, but obviously no matter how many times he told me it was - it was not.
Don't know what to do if he loses his job.
Anyone with any advise. I would love to hear it...
he had not had 9 days under his belt for being sober in a really long time. So I was really dissappointed.
Tomorrow we have another therapy appointment and he is start the campral. I am not sure what his excuse will be this time for this drunken episode but I have a big huge fear that it is about his job and he may lose it. I don't know what I will do then as we have a mortage to pay and will be out on the street in a couple of months if we can't pay it. i will not take full financial responsibility. I refuse to support him finanically - I already enable enough and am trying to work on changing that.
Do you think this is just a fall of the wagon, the therapist said it happens a lot in early recovery? Does it mean that he does not want to try anymore? He is to start the outpatient program that he wanted on 7/30 - he wanted to start sooner but they would not take him before that.... I know I am worrying to much again....I can't help myself - I wonder if i will ever break this cycle of me always being the one that worries.
I will tell him tomorrow that should another episode happen like the night he was taken to the hospital and put in restraints that i will call the police again and have him committed. Not to try and gain control, but to get some peace for me - I thought that was his rock bottom, but obviously no matter how many times he told me it was - it was not.
Don't know what to do if he loses his job.
Anyone with any advise. I would love to hear it...
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Originally Posted by sadandhopeless 
Do you think this is just a fall of the wagon, the therapist said it happens a lot in early recovery? Does it mean that he does not want to try anymore?
What you can do is decide what your boundaries/limits/dealbreakers are. What are you willing to put up with in your life and your home, and what aren't you? Once you figure that out, then you can set about figuring what to do about it if the line is crossed. The worst thing you can do is threaten something you are unwilling to follow through on. If you say stop drinking or I will leave, and he drinks and you stay, you have just lost all credibility. You must say what you mean, and mean what you say, but you don't have to say it mean.
The more matter-of-fact and unemotional you can be in regards to boundaries, the better. You don't have to do everything today, and you don't have to do everything all at once. It's good that you are taking care of yourself and didn't wake him up to have a fight. That's great progress.
You may want to stop thinking about what he will do and start thinking about what you will do. What if he loses his job? You can't prevent it from happening, but you can make a plan in case it happens. Same thing with the drinking, he will do what he will, but you can decide what you will do. Hanging your happiness, future, and well-being on an alcoholic is a disastrous choice. I know, I did it for 20 years. Now my future is mine to build. I make choices based on what is best for me, and you know what? It usually ends up being the best choice for those around me, too. Who woulda thought?
L
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
These words above sound to me like you are tying the outcome of YOUR life to HIS choices. There is no way to know if this is a one-time thing, a temporary set-back, or he just doesn't want to get sober. Trying to get inside his head will make you crazy.
What you can do is decide what your boundaries/limits/dealbreakers are. What are you willing to put up with in your life and your home, and what aren't you? Once you figure that out, then you can set about figuring what to do about it if the line is crossed. The worst thing you can do is threaten something you are unwilling to follow through on. If you say stop drinking or I will leave, and he drinks and you stay, you have just lost all credibility. You must say what you mean, and mean what you say, but you don't have to say it mean. The more matter-of-fact and unemotional you can be in regards to boundaries, the better.
You don't have to do everything today, and you don't have to do everything all at once. It's good that you are taking care of yourself and didn't wake him up to have a fight. That's great progress.
You may want to stop thinking about what he will do and start thinking about what you will do. What if he loses his job? You can't prevent it from happening, but you can make a plan in case it happens. Same thing with the drinking, he will do what he will, but you can decide what you will do. Hanging your happiness, future, and well-being on an alcoholic is a disastrous choice. I know, I did it for 20 years. Now my future is mine to build. I make choices based on what is best for me, and you know what? It usually ends up being the best choice for those around me, too. Who woulda thought?
L
What you can do is decide what your boundaries/limits/dealbreakers are. What are you willing to put up with in your life and your home, and what aren't you? Once you figure that out, then you can set about figuring what to do about it if the line is crossed. The worst thing you can do is threaten something you are unwilling to follow through on. If you say stop drinking or I will leave, and he drinks and you stay, you have just lost all credibility. You must say what you mean, and mean what you say, but you don't have to say it mean.
The more matter-of-fact and unemotional you can be in regards to boundaries, the better. You don't have to do everything today, and you don't have to do everything all at once. It's good that you are taking care of yourself and didn't wake him up to have a fight. That's great progress.
You may want to stop thinking about what he will do and start thinking about what you will do. What if he loses his job? You can't prevent it from happening, but you can make a plan in case it happens. Same thing with the drinking, he will do what he will, but you can decide what you will do. Hanging your happiness, future, and well-being on an alcoholic is a disastrous choice. I know, I did it for 20 years. Now my future is mine to build. I make choices based on what is best for me, and you know what? It usually ends up being the best choice for those around me, too. Who woulda thought?
L
I hope to learn from everyone here and I hope to take some of my own advise. I often wonder how did I get myself here in this relationship so out of control?????
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by sadandhopeless
discuss it with him as soon as he sobers up
My boundaries are not up for discussion. They are what they are. Some boundaries are never even stated to another person.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Originally Posted by Barbara52
You don't need to discuss your boundaries with him. Your boundaries are not for him or to control him. They are to clarify what you find acceptable/unacceptable and what you will do if those boundaries are violated.
My boundaries are not up for discussion. They are what they are. Some boundaries are never even stated to another person.
My boundaries are not up for discussion. They are what they are. Some boundaries are never even stated to another person.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Having a boundary means that I set a specific response for someone else's behavior. It means that I refuse to tolerate that behavior. It's about what I will do if the other person behaves inappropriately.
Like LaTeeda has said, you are making progress. The best thing I can think of is to keep finding ways to protect yourself in every way possible. Your safety and finances are important issues that you could focus on right now. Many people here have lost their homes due to their spouse's behavior.
You can begin to take steps to make sure that 'you' don't end up out on the streets due to his choices.
I don't know what I will do then as we have a mortage to pay and will be out on the street in a couple of months if we can't pay it. i will not take full financial responsibility. I refuse to support him finanically -
You can begin to take steps to make sure that 'you' don't end up out on the streets due to his choices.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
It may be that you have to say that you will not accept behavior X and if it happens you will do Y. But that boundary is not open to discussion or negotiation. Boundaries can also be unspoken. Your behavior spells out what that boundary is. For instance, a boundary could be "I will not argue with you when you are drunk and will remove myself from your presence rather than engage in an argument." Now you could say this to him, once. After that it is your follow through, you leaving the room or the house if necessary that sets the boundary.
Boundaries don't necessarily have a danged thing to do with alcoholism either. I have boundaries in most every situation in life and every person. For instance, I will not work for an unethical company and if I find that I am, I will find another job. I sure don't say that to my employer though. Its an internal standard for myself.
Boundaries don't necessarily have a danged thing to do with alcoholism either. I have boundaries in most every situation in life and every person. For instance, I will not work for an unethical company and if I find that I am, I will find another job. I sure don't say that to my employer though. Its an internal standard for myself.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Fort Myers, FL
Posts: 161
I'm very sorry you're having to deal with this right now. I'm glad you're doing some things to calm and center yourself. Did you see the couple of threads a few days ago that brushed on the topic of boundaries? Here were my thoughts, I hope you find them helpful:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1820812
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1820871
I don't know why alcoholics do what they do. I have been taking time to read posts in the Alcoholism and Substance Abuse forums here on SR, and I am getting some insight. Your AH may be terrified at the prospect of losing a long-time and dependable friend in his booze. So he drank to cope with that potential loss. He will need time in active recovery to gain mastery over his sobriety. Right now, he is still an active addict. I would encourage him to stay committed to his plan for entering treatment. Some of those in recovery have commented on how much it impacted them to see their loved ones carry on with their lives. So I encourage you to continue calmly taking care of yourself, and letting him continue in the mess of his life. Please take hope in the stories and experiences we have to share with you, and keep asking for help and compassion. You so deserve it.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1820812
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1820871
I don't know why alcoholics do what they do. I have been taking time to read posts in the Alcoholism and Substance Abuse forums here on SR, and I am getting some insight. Your AH may be terrified at the prospect of losing a long-time and dependable friend in his booze. So he drank to cope with that potential loss. He will need time in active recovery to gain mastery over his sobriety. Right now, he is still an active addict. I would encourage him to stay committed to his plan for entering treatment. Some of those in recovery have commented on how much it impacted them to see their loved ones carry on with their lives. So I encourage you to continue calmly taking care of yourself, and letting him continue in the mess of his life. Please take hope in the stories and experiences we have to share with you, and keep asking for help and compassion. You so deserve it.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Relapse is not a failure of the treatment, it is a symptom of the disease. It will always be an ever-present possibility, whether he's made it through 9 days or 9 years. I have found that it is best to have no expectations.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: southern cal
Posts: 84
I'm sorry that you have to go thru this Jackie.
These posts above are fantastic. Don't know if I can add anything as useful, but agree with all of the boundary discussion.
Not only do you not DESERVE the heartache, you deserve to have peace in your life, and stability, and safety, and security, and love and trust.
You can start by feeling that you deserve to have a life free of emotional pain that his illness is causing you.
It is easier to give this advice than hear it, but know that you need to protect yourself.
No need to feel guilty for what you are about to do in response to his lack of action.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it and certainly can't cure it, but you can refuse to accept the behaviors that are detrimental to your well being...that is things he may do which will cause you harm, financially, emotionally, etc.
Create a separate bank account and put YOUR money somewhere safe so he cannot clean it out. If you share the account take what you put in.
If he loses his job, and YOU wind up paying for his bills and keeping the house going, he will not have learned anything...it only shows him that you are there to pick up the pieces regardless of what he does. I think some people consider that still enabling.
I wouldn't say that you should "lose your home", to prove the point, but you may want to have a plan (staying with a friend or other solution) should his illness (which has taken over his mind) pull you under and begin destroying the security and assets you have worked so hard for.
I'm here for you too. Please continue to post so we know how you are.
God Bless,
rivka
These posts above are fantastic. Don't know if I can add anything as useful, but agree with all of the boundary discussion.
Not only do you not DESERVE the heartache, you deserve to have peace in your life, and stability, and safety, and security, and love and trust.
You can start by feeling that you deserve to have a life free of emotional pain that his illness is causing you.
It is easier to give this advice than hear it, but know that you need to protect yourself.
No need to feel guilty for what you are about to do in response to his lack of action.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it and certainly can't cure it, but you can refuse to accept the behaviors that are detrimental to your well being...that is things he may do which will cause you harm, financially, emotionally, etc.
Create a separate bank account and put YOUR money somewhere safe so he cannot clean it out. If you share the account take what you put in.
If he loses his job, and YOU wind up paying for his bills and keeping the house going, he will not have learned anything...it only shows him that you are there to pick up the pieces regardless of what he does. I think some people consider that still enabling.
I wouldn't say that you should "lose your home", to prove the point, but you may want to have a plan (staying with a friend or other solution) should his illness (which has taken over his mind) pull you under and begin destroying the security and assets you have worked so hard for.
I'm here for you too. Please continue to post so we know how you are.
God Bless,
rivka
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 83
Campral
I don't want to dishearten you but I just wanted to let you know that I took Campral for nearly a year, in addition to another drug called Naltrexone, both of which are supposed to 'cure' alcoholism, and neither one of them did any good. The companies that make both of them (I forget who they are off the top of my head) present brochures full of statistics and charts and tables showing that they make alcoholics stop drinking, but again, from personal experience I can tell you that they do absolutely no good. I just don't want you to get high expectations that there is some 'silver bullet' that can cure your husband, only to find out that that is not the case.
I can also tell you that in my personal experience and in the experience of dozens of other alcoholics that I know, outpatient programs have an almost zero percent success rate. I don't know what your insurance situation is, but I strongly recommend that you try and get your husband into an inpatient program. That is not to say that outpatient programs do not work at all, but if your husband is the type that cannot make it past nine days of sobriety without taking a drink, then he is probably too far gone for an outpatient program to be of much use.
And I should also say that although it is commonly said by many people working in the recovery business that 'relapse is a part of recovery' it does not have to be and it should not be tolerated. In all likelihood, if there are not consequences to each and every relapse, then the alcoholic will seize upon that to justify drinking again at some point in the future when the urge hits him.
I wish you the best of luck.
I can also tell you that in my personal experience and in the experience of dozens of other alcoholics that I know, outpatient programs have an almost zero percent success rate. I don't know what your insurance situation is, but I strongly recommend that you try and get your husband into an inpatient program. That is not to say that outpatient programs do not work at all, but if your husband is the type that cannot make it past nine days of sobriety without taking a drink, then he is probably too far gone for an outpatient program to be of much use.
And I should also say that although it is commonly said by many people working in the recovery business that 'relapse is a part of recovery' it does not have to be and it should not be tolerated. In all likelihood, if there are not consequences to each and every relapse, then the alcoholic will seize upon that to justify drinking again at some point in the future when the urge hits him.
I wish you the best of luck.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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I don't want to dishearten you but I just wanted to let you know that I took Campral for nearly a year, in addition to another drug called Naltrexone, both of which are supposed to 'cure' alcoholism, and neither one of them did any good. The companies that make both of them (I forget who they are off the top of my head) present brochures full of statistics and charts and tables showing that they make alcoholics stop drinking, but again, from personal experience I can tell you that they do absolutely no good.
I beg to differ. First of all, neither Campral nor Naltrexone claim to cure alcoholism. They do help with cravings. I, also, know this from personal experience. No medication on earth will cure alcoholism...it still boils down to the person NOT WANTING to drink. However, to say that Campral and Naltrexone do absolutely no good is disingenuous.
I beg to differ. First of all, neither Campral nor Naltrexone claim to cure alcoholism. They do help with cravings. I, also, know this from personal experience. No medication on earth will cure alcoholism...it still boils down to the person NOT WANTING to drink. However, to say that Campral and Naltrexone do absolutely no good is disingenuous.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
"I came home from work to my AH bening dunk off his butt and passed out on the couch."
I can relate, my AH was drunk in his recliner late last night.
"the house a mess which I cleaned from top to bottom yesterday."
I can also relate. I realize everyone, including myself, makes messes. But when they happen right after you spend time cleaning the house, it's so frustrating! Like a slap in the face. I've enlisted my kids (11 and 9) to help me clean lately. I love it and they love it. They love pitching in. We get it done so much faster.
""My hearth fell to the pit of my stomach, I was so upset. I cried and let it out and just left him there passed out half on the couch half off the couch."
I've done the very same thing. I've done that more times than I can count. Didn't ever change anything. A few times, I've done the exact opposite. I've taken my kids out for ice cream, or to the mall, or took turns reading with them. And when it happens after they are asleep, I've done whatever I want to do. It's ME time. Last night my AH was drunk in the living room. I was somewhere else, making movies from old family photos and putting cool music in the background. You see, what you decide to do when you react to his drinking is a choice, whether you realize it or not. Try something different the next time. And if I do get upset, I go get a pedicure the next day. Hey, I've had cancer. I can't afford to get myself worked up every time he drinks. I repay myself in some fashion when I slip. See? Cognitive therapy. He drinks, my toes benefit, lol.
"I am in my computer room with some music on and some candles lit and a really good piece of choclate cake. I know there is nothing I can do about this, so i am trying to still have a good nite. Normally I would wake him and start arguing and begging him to tell me why."
Yay!! You're on the right track.
"he had not had 9 days under his belt for being sober in a really long time. So I was really dissappointed."
We get disappointed when we have expectations, especially high ones. The truth is, many alcoholics never get sober. If mine done, I'll jump from the rooftops, but I stopped expecting that he will a while back. Sets me up for too much disappointment (but I still love the pedicures!).
"Tomorrow we have another therapy appointment and he is start the campral. I am not sure what his excuse will be this time for this drunken episode but I have a big huge fear that it is about his job and he may lose it. I don't know what I will do then as we have a mortage to pay and will be out on the street in a couple of months if we can't pay it. i will not take full financial responsibility. I refuse to support him finanically - I already enable enough and am trying to work on changing that."
When my AH started taking Campral (plus Naltrexone), I did a little research on it. The biggest problem is compliance. When your AH wants to drink, he simply doesn't have to take the pills. And that is exactly what mine did. Campral and Naltrexone together have had pretty good success. But they just don't work when they aren't taken. Now, Naltrexone does come in a 30-day injection. And that is supposed to be better because they can't stop taking the dose for a day. I was hoping my AH would go get the shot, but it just doesn't really matter. Deep down, I know his sponsor is 100% right. My AH has to want his sobriety. Mine simply doesn't. If he wanted it, he'd get it, like he's gotten everything else in his life. Lots of people do want it. Mine is so ridiculous about it all. He goes to AA meetings every single day. He calls his sponsor every single morning. He reads the big book and daily devotionals. He proudly proclaims his Baptist beliefs. But no books and no sponsors are around at 11pm when the vodka bottle comes out. He's been through outpatient rehab too. Still doesn't matter. And the weird part is, I think he buys the vodka on his way home from AA meetings most of the time. Why bother? He's been doing this for 8 years!! So, I'm just trying to help you understand that if you set yourself up with high expectations, you could really wind up in the gutter.
"Do you think this is just a fall of the wagon, the therapist said it happens a lot in early recovery? Does it mean that he does not want to try anymore?"
There are some threads on this site about relapse. Search under "relapse" and you'll probably find them. My AH calls anytime he drinks after not drinking for 3 weeks, a "relapse". He's been "relapsing" for years now. He's never been sober. He's never made it out of the gates. He's also never really wanted his sobriety. He thinks he has, and when he tells me he wants it, I think he really means it. But if someone is truly serious about wanting to quit, I'm not sure how many relapses they have. The ones I know who have years of sobriety, simply choose not to drink anymore.
"He is to start the outpatient program that he wanted on 7/30 - he wanted to start sooner but they would not take him before that.... I know I am worrying to much again....I can't help myself - I wonder if i will ever break this cycle of me always being the one that worries."
I think you'll break the cycle somehow, if for no other reason than you just get sick and tired of expending so much energy over it all. It's exhausting. I thought my AH's drinking was the primo, numero uno problem in my life. Then I got cancer. I wasn't thinking much about his drinking at that time. And woah!!!! did he ever use my condition to drink. I mean, he was chugging hard core around my mother and kids. No matter if your AH goes to rehab or not, if he's not serious about quitting, there will always be "triggers" or excuses to drink. It's part of life.
"I will tell him tomorrow that should another episode happen like the night he was taken to the hospital and put in restraints that i will call the police again and have him committed. Not to try and gain control, but to get some peace for me"
I don't really know what to tell you about this. I've never done it.
"I thought that was his rock bottom, but obviously no matter how many times he told me it was - it was not."
I don't know how many times I've thought my AH hit rock bottom. But you hear about stories where A's urinate all over their own couches/beds/recliners and don't hit bottom, they lose every family member they have and don't hit bottom. I don't know why we think our AH's will be any different. I thought mine was too smart not to be able to beat it, or that he had more to lose than the average guy. Mine does have more to lose than the average guy. He has 3 adult children who lived with their mother growing up. We have 2 kids together. If I leave, he will have lost 2 wives and 5 kids total. And that's not to mention the dent it will put in his retirement plans. Anyway, if it helps you to hope that this is it, than do that. But I've just let myself get let down too many times. Now, if my AH promises he's going to quit, I go get a pedicure!!! That's about how much thought I give it.
"Don't know what to do if he loses his job."
Do you have kids together? Do you have joint assets or savings? If you don't have kids, and you do have money together, that's a tough call. Because you'll drain any money you have trying to live without his income.
"Anyone with any advise. I would love to hear it..."
You're "sadandhopeless" and you say the "party is over". You sound permanently sad. You say you're hopeful, but you're name is "hopeless". You probably need to spend a lot of time figuring out how much you want your AH in your life and at what cost. If he is to stay in your life, you're going to have to supplement the fun you should be getting from a spouse, with something else. Because if it's one thing I've learned, A's are notorious for not being fun. When they are drinking, they are stupid. When they aren't, they are self-righteous. At least mine is anyway. He makes up for it in some other ways, but that's the bottom line for me. I have fun with my family and friends.
Overall, I think you might be happier if you lower your expectations a tad and focus on what will make you happy. He's bound to let you down over and over again. Isn't it better to be pleasantly surprised than horribly disappointed? If my AH ever gets sober, I'll be pleasantly shocked!!! I'll take HIM down for a pedicure with me!!
Take care. Being married to an alcoholic is just no fun. I doubt that my marriage will last forever. And I danged sure won't marry another one!! I wouldn't marry a recovering A either. Soooo much drama. Go get a pedicure!!!
I can relate, my AH was drunk in his recliner late last night.
"the house a mess which I cleaned from top to bottom yesterday."
I can also relate. I realize everyone, including myself, makes messes. But when they happen right after you spend time cleaning the house, it's so frustrating! Like a slap in the face. I've enlisted my kids (11 and 9) to help me clean lately. I love it and they love it. They love pitching in. We get it done so much faster.
""My hearth fell to the pit of my stomach, I was so upset. I cried and let it out and just left him there passed out half on the couch half off the couch."
I've done the very same thing. I've done that more times than I can count. Didn't ever change anything. A few times, I've done the exact opposite. I've taken my kids out for ice cream, or to the mall, or took turns reading with them. And when it happens after they are asleep, I've done whatever I want to do. It's ME time. Last night my AH was drunk in the living room. I was somewhere else, making movies from old family photos and putting cool music in the background. You see, what you decide to do when you react to his drinking is a choice, whether you realize it or not. Try something different the next time. And if I do get upset, I go get a pedicure the next day. Hey, I've had cancer. I can't afford to get myself worked up every time he drinks. I repay myself in some fashion when I slip. See? Cognitive therapy. He drinks, my toes benefit, lol.
"I am in my computer room with some music on and some candles lit and a really good piece of choclate cake. I know there is nothing I can do about this, so i am trying to still have a good nite. Normally I would wake him and start arguing and begging him to tell me why."
Yay!! You're on the right track.
"he had not had 9 days under his belt for being sober in a really long time. So I was really dissappointed."
We get disappointed when we have expectations, especially high ones. The truth is, many alcoholics never get sober. If mine done, I'll jump from the rooftops, but I stopped expecting that he will a while back. Sets me up for too much disappointment (but I still love the pedicures!).
"Tomorrow we have another therapy appointment and he is start the campral. I am not sure what his excuse will be this time for this drunken episode but I have a big huge fear that it is about his job and he may lose it. I don't know what I will do then as we have a mortage to pay and will be out on the street in a couple of months if we can't pay it. i will not take full financial responsibility. I refuse to support him finanically - I already enable enough and am trying to work on changing that."
When my AH started taking Campral (plus Naltrexone), I did a little research on it. The biggest problem is compliance. When your AH wants to drink, he simply doesn't have to take the pills. And that is exactly what mine did. Campral and Naltrexone together have had pretty good success. But they just don't work when they aren't taken. Now, Naltrexone does come in a 30-day injection. And that is supposed to be better because they can't stop taking the dose for a day. I was hoping my AH would go get the shot, but it just doesn't really matter. Deep down, I know his sponsor is 100% right. My AH has to want his sobriety. Mine simply doesn't. If he wanted it, he'd get it, like he's gotten everything else in his life. Lots of people do want it. Mine is so ridiculous about it all. He goes to AA meetings every single day. He calls his sponsor every single morning. He reads the big book and daily devotionals. He proudly proclaims his Baptist beliefs. But no books and no sponsors are around at 11pm when the vodka bottle comes out. He's been through outpatient rehab too. Still doesn't matter. And the weird part is, I think he buys the vodka on his way home from AA meetings most of the time. Why bother? He's been doing this for 8 years!! So, I'm just trying to help you understand that if you set yourself up with high expectations, you could really wind up in the gutter.
"Do you think this is just a fall of the wagon, the therapist said it happens a lot in early recovery? Does it mean that he does not want to try anymore?"
There are some threads on this site about relapse. Search under "relapse" and you'll probably find them. My AH calls anytime he drinks after not drinking for 3 weeks, a "relapse". He's been "relapsing" for years now. He's never been sober. He's never made it out of the gates. He's also never really wanted his sobriety. He thinks he has, and when he tells me he wants it, I think he really means it. But if someone is truly serious about wanting to quit, I'm not sure how many relapses they have. The ones I know who have years of sobriety, simply choose not to drink anymore.
"He is to start the outpatient program that he wanted on 7/30 - he wanted to start sooner but they would not take him before that.... I know I am worrying to much again....I can't help myself - I wonder if i will ever break this cycle of me always being the one that worries."
I think you'll break the cycle somehow, if for no other reason than you just get sick and tired of expending so much energy over it all. It's exhausting. I thought my AH's drinking was the primo, numero uno problem in my life. Then I got cancer. I wasn't thinking much about his drinking at that time. And woah!!!! did he ever use my condition to drink. I mean, he was chugging hard core around my mother and kids. No matter if your AH goes to rehab or not, if he's not serious about quitting, there will always be "triggers" or excuses to drink. It's part of life.
"I will tell him tomorrow that should another episode happen like the night he was taken to the hospital and put in restraints that i will call the police again and have him committed. Not to try and gain control, but to get some peace for me"
I don't really know what to tell you about this. I've never done it.
"I thought that was his rock bottom, but obviously no matter how many times he told me it was - it was not."
I don't know how many times I've thought my AH hit rock bottom. But you hear about stories where A's urinate all over their own couches/beds/recliners and don't hit bottom, they lose every family member they have and don't hit bottom. I don't know why we think our AH's will be any different. I thought mine was too smart not to be able to beat it, or that he had more to lose than the average guy. Mine does have more to lose than the average guy. He has 3 adult children who lived with their mother growing up. We have 2 kids together. If I leave, he will have lost 2 wives and 5 kids total. And that's not to mention the dent it will put in his retirement plans. Anyway, if it helps you to hope that this is it, than do that. But I've just let myself get let down too many times. Now, if my AH promises he's going to quit, I go get a pedicure!!! That's about how much thought I give it.
"Don't know what to do if he loses his job."
Do you have kids together? Do you have joint assets or savings? If you don't have kids, and you do have money together, that's a tough call. Because you'll drain any money you have trying to live without his income.
"Anyone with any advise. I would love to hear it..."
You're "sadandhopeless" and you say the "party is over". You sound permanently sad. You say you're hopeful, but you're name is "hopeless". You probably need to spend a lot of time figuring out how much you want your AH in your life and at what cost. If he is to stay in your life, you're going to have to supplement the fun you should be getting from a spouse, with something else. Because if it's one thing I've learned, A's are notorious for not being fun. When they are drinking, they are stupid. When they aren't, they are self-righteous. At least mine is anyway. He makes up for it in some other ways, but that's the bottom line for me. I have fun with my family and friends.
Overall, I think you might be happier if you lower your expectations a tad and focus on what will make you happy. He's bound to let you down over and over again. Isn't it better to be pleasantly surprised than horribly disappointed? If my AH ever gets sober, I'll be pleasantly shocked!!! I'll take HIM down for a pedicure with me!!
Take care. Being married to an alcoholic is just no fun. I doubt that my marriage will last forever. And I danged sure won't marry another one!! I wouldn't marry a recovering A either. Soooo much drama. Go get a pedicure!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Originally Posted by marshallzhukov
I can also tell you that in my personal experience and in the experience of dozens of other alcoholics that I know, outpatient programs have an almost zero percent success rate. I don't know what your insurance situation is, but I strongly recommend that you try and get your husband into an inpatient program.
The problem about rehab in general, when it comes to my Ah, is that he can not drink for about 3 weeks, with or without rehab. So, even if he did inpatient rehab, it wouldn't be terribly difficult for him to go. But he'd drink again when he got out. There is no real detox for him. He simply can't sleep very well when he's not drinking. But he takes Benadryl.
So, while I'd love for mine to go to inpatient rehab, I think he could sail through it with flying colors. But there's no way he could take that much time off without telling his employer, and that simply would not fly where he works. I won't go into all the details, but I'm fairly certain he'd lose his job. And then drink. That always seems to be a constant.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Motown
Posts: 122
“i will not take full financial responsibility. I refuse to support him finanically - I already enable enough and am trying to work on changing that.”
Let’s turn this into a positive, empowering statement: I will take full financial responsibility for *myself*. I will support *myself* financially. I will empower *myself* to have a secure future.
Worry about you. You can (and should!) support and protect yourself without enabling him. I understand your concern, though. Set yourself a boundary i.e., if he does lose his job, you will have to sell the house, and move into an apt (with or without him, whatever is right for YOU, don‘t even have to think about that right now).
As far as the rest of it, i.e., an episode w/ restraints, etc., I think if it was me, I’d just leave it alone at this point. Focus on *your* recovery, not his. I don’t like to sound preachy, but this Al-Anon thing is just an eye-opener for me. I’ve heard other people tell me the same thing not even a month ago, and I was like “yeah, right”. But something clicked inside of me, and I became ready for it. It’s no miracle, it’s alot of work, but I’m just taking the energy I spent on him and his drinking and spending it on myself and my recovery, and, as a result, I’ve found some peace.
(((hugs)))
juju
Let’s turn this into a positive, empowering statement: I will take full financial responsibility for *myself*. I will support *myself* financially. I will empower *myself* to have a secure future.
Worry about you. You can (and should!) support and protect yourself without enabling him. I understand your concern, though. Set yourself a boundary i.e., if he does lose his job, you will have to sell the house, and move into an apt (with or without him, whatever is right for YOU, don‘t even have to think about that right now).
As far as the rest of it, i.e., an episode w/ restraints, etc., I think if it was me, I’d just leave it alone at this point. Focus on *your* recovery, not his. I don’t like to sound preachy, but this Al-Anon thing is just an eye-opener for me. I’ve heard other people tell me the same thing not even a month ago, and I was like “yeah, right”. But something clicked inside of me, and I became ready for it. It’s no miracle, it’s alot of work, but I’m just taking the energy I spent on him and his drinking and spending it on myself and my recovery, and, as a result, I’ve found some peace.
(((hugs)))
juju
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
Originally Posted by respektingme
"I came home from work to my AH bening dunk off his butt and passed out on the couch."
I can relate, my AH was drunk in his recliner late last night.
"the house a mess which I cleaned from top to bottom yesterday."
I can also relate. I realize everyone, including myself, makes messes. But when they happen right after you spend time cleaning the house, it's so frustrating! Like a slap in the face. I've enlisted my kids (11 and 9) to help me clean lately. I love it and they love it. They love pitching in. We get it done so much faster.
""My hearth fell to the pit of my stomach, I was so upset. I cried and let it out and just left him there passed out half on the couch half off the couch."
I've done the very same thing. I've done that more times than I can count. Didn't ever change anything. A few times, I've done the exact opposite. I've taken my kids out for ice cream, or to the mall, or took turns reading with them. And when it happens after they are asleep, I've done whatever I want to do. It's ME time. Last night my AH was drunk in the living room. I was somewhere else, making movies from old family photos and putting cool music in the background. You see, what you decide to do when you react to his drinking is a choice, whether you realize it or not. Try something different the next time. And if I do get upset, I go get a pedicure the next day. Hey, I've had cancer. I can't afford to get myself worked up every time he drinks. I repay myself in some fashion when I slip. See? Cognitive therapy. He drinks, my toes benefit, lol.
"I am in my computer room with some music on and some candles lit and a really good piece of choclate cake. I know there is nothing I can do about this, so i am trying to still have a good nite. Normally I would wake him and start arguing and begging him to tell me why."
Yay!! You're on the right track.
"he had not had 9 days under his belt for being sober in a really long time. So I was really dissappointed."
We get disappointed when we have expectations, especially high ones. The truth is, many alcoholics never get sober. If mine done, I'll jump from the rooftops, but I stopped expecting that he will a while back. Sets me up for too much disappointment (but I still love the pedicures!).
"Tomorrow we have another therapy appointment and he is start the campral. I am not sure what his excuse will be this time for this drunken episode but I have a big huge fear that it is about his job and he may lose it. I don't know what I will do then as we have a mortage to pay and will be out on the street in a couple of months if we can't pay it. i will not take full financial responsibility. I refuse to support him finanically - I already enable enough and am trying to work on changing that."
When my AH started taking Campral (plus Naltrexone), I did a little research on it. The biggest problem is compliance. When your AH wants to drink, he simply doesn't have to take the pills. And that is exactly what mine did. Campral and Naltrexone together have had pretty good success. But they just don't work when they aren't taken. Now, Naltrexone does come in a 30-day injection. And that is supposed to be better because they can't stop taking the dose for a day. I was hoping my AH would go get the shot, but it just doesn't really matter. Deep down, I know his sponsor is 100% right. My AH has to want his sobriety. Mine simply doesn't. If he wanted it, he'd get it, like he's gotten everything else in his life. Lots of people do want it. Mine is so ridiculous about it all. He goes to AA meetings every single day. He calls his sponsor every single morning. He reads the big book and daily devotionals. He proudly proclaims his Baptist beliefs. But no books and no sponsors are around at 11pm when the vodka bottle comes out. He's been through outpatient rehab too. Still doesn't matter. And the weird part is, I think he buys the vodka on his way home from AA meetings most of the time. Why bother? He's been doing this for 8 years!! So, I'm just trying to help you understand that if you set yourself up with high expectations, you could really wind up in the gutter.
"Do you think this is just a fall of the wagon, the therapist said it happens a lot in early recovery? Does it mean that he does not want to try anymore?"
There are some threads on this site about relapse. Search under "relapse" and you'll probably find them. My AH calls anytime he drinks after not drinking for 3 weeks, a "relapse". He's been "relapsing" for years now. He's never been sober. He's never made it out of the gates. He's also never really wanted his sobriety. He thinks he has, and when he tells me he wants it, I think he really means it. But if someone is truly serious about wanting to quit, I'm not sure how many relapses they have. The ones I know who have years of sobriety, simply choose not to drink anymore.
"He is to start the outpatient program that he wanted on 7/30 - he wanted to start sooner but they would not take him before that.... I know I am worrying to much again....I can't help myself - I wonder if i will ever break this cycle of me always being the one that worries."
I think you'll break the cycle somehow, if for no other reason than you just get sick and tired of expending so much energy over it all. It's exhausting. I thought my AH's drinking was the primo, numero uno problem in my life. Then I got cancer. I wasn't thinking much about his drinking at that time. And woah!!!! did he ever use my condition to drink. I mean, he was chugging hard core around my mother and kids. No matter if your AH goes to rehab or not, if he's not serious about quitting, there will always be "triggers" or excuses to drink. It's part of life.
"I will tell him tomorrow that should another episode happen like the night he was taken to the hospital and put in restraints that i will call the police again and have him committed. Not to try and gain control, but to get some peace for me"
I don't really know what to tell you about this. I've never done it.
"I thought that was his rock bottom, but obviously no matter how many times he told me it was - it was not."
I don't know how many times I've thought my AH hit rock bottom. But you hear about stories where A's urinate all over their own couches/beds/recliners and don't hit bottom, they lose every family member they have and don't hit bottom. I don't know why we think our AH's will be any different. I thought mine was too smart not to be able to beat it, or that he had more to lose than the average guy. Mine does have more to lose than the average guy. He has 3 adult children who lived with their mother growing up. We have 2 kids together. If I leave, he will have lost 2 wives and 5 kids total. And that's not to mention the dent it will put in his retirement plans. Anyway, if it helps you to hope that this is it, than do that. But I've just let myself get let down too many times. Now, if my AH promises he's going to quit, I go get a pedicure!!! That's about how much thought I give it.
"Don't know what to do if he loses his job."
Do you have kids together? Do you have joint assets or savings? If you don't have kids, and you do have money together, that's a tough call. Because you'll drain any money you have trying to live without his income.
"Anyone with any advise. I would love to hear it..."
You're "sadandhopeless" and you say the "party is over". You sound permanently sad. You say you're hopeful, but you're name is "hopeless". You probably need to spend a lot of time figuring out how much you want your AH in your life and at what cost. If he is to stay in your life, you're going to have to supplement the fun you should be getting from a spouse, with something else. Because if it's one thing I've learned, A's are notorious for not being fun. When they are drinking, they are stupid. When they aren't, they are self-righteous. At least mine is anyway. He makes up for it in some other ways, but that's the bottom line for me. I have fun with my family and friends.
Overall, I think you might be happier if you lower your expectations a tad and focus on what will make you happy. He's bound to let you down over and over again. Isn't it better to be pleasantly surprised than horribly disappointed? If my AH ever gets sober, I'll be pleasantly shocked!!! I'll take HIM down for a pedicure with me!!
Take care. Being married to an alcoholic is just no fun. I doubt that my marriage will last forever. And I danged sure won't marry another one!! I wouldn't marry a recovering A either. Soooo much drama. Go get a pedicure!!!
I can relate, my AH was drunk in his recliner late last night.
"the house a mess which I cleaned from top to bottom yesterday."
I can also relate. I realize everyone, including myself, makes messes. But when they happen right after you spend time cleaning the house, it's so frustrating! Like a slap in the face. I've enlisted my kids (11 and 9) to help me clean lately. I love it and they love it. They love pitching in. We get it done so much faster.
""My hearth fell to the pit of my stomach, I was so upset. I cried and let it out and just left him there passed out half on the couch half off the couch."
I've done the very same thing. I've done that more times than I can count. Didn't ever change anything. A few times, I've done the exact opposite. I've taken my kids out for ice cream, or to the mall, or took turns reading with them. And when it happens after they are asleep, I've done whatever I want to do. It's ME time. Last night my AH was drunk in the living room. I was somewhere else, making movies from old family photos and putting cool music in the background. You see, what you decide to do when you react to his drinking is a choice, whether you realize it or not. Try something different the next time. And if I do get upset, I go get a pedicure the next day. Hey, I've had cancer. I can't afford to get myself worked up every time he drinks. I repay myself in some fashion when I slip. See? Cognitive therapy. He drinks, my toes benefit, lol.
"I am in my computer room with some music on and some candles lit and a really good piece of choclate cake. I know there is nothing I can do about this, so i am trying to still have a good nite. Normally I would wake him and start arguing and begging him to tell me why."
Yay!! You're on the right track.
"he had not had 9 days under his belt for being sober in a really long time. So I was really dissappointed."
We get disappointed when we have expectations, especially high ones. The truth is, many alcoholics never get sober. If mine done, I'll jump from the rooftops, but I stopped expecting that he will a while back. Sets me up for too much disappointment (but I still love the pedicures!).
"Tomorrow we have another therapy appointment and he is start the campral. I am not sure what his excuse will be this time for this drunken episode but I have a big huge fear that it is about his job and he may lose it. I don't know what I will do then as we have a mortage to pay and will be out on the street in a couple of months if we can't pay it. i will not take full financial responsibility. I refuse to support him finanically - I already enable enough and am trying to work on changing that."
When my AH started taking Campral (plus Naltrexone), I did a little research on it. The biggest problem is compliance. When your AH wants to drink, he simply doesn't have to take the pills. And that is exactly what mine did. Campral and Naltrexone together have had pretty good success. But they just don't work when they aren't taken. Now, Naltrexone does come in a 30-day injection. And that is supposed to be better because they can't stop taking the dose for a day. I was hoping my AH would go get the shot, but it just doesn't really matter. Deep down, I know his sponsor is 100% right. My AH has to want his sobriety. Mine simply doesn't. If he wanted it, he'd get it, like he's gotten everything else in his life. Lots of people do want it. Mine is so ridiculous about it all. He goes to AA meetings every single day. He calls his sponsor every single morning. He reads the big book and daily devotionals. He proudly proclaims his Baptist beliefs. But no books and no sponsors are around at 11pm when the vodka bottle comes out. He's been through outpatient rehab too. Still doesn't matter. And the weird part is, I think he buys the vodka on his way home from AA meetings most of the time. Why bother? He's been doing this for 8 years!! So, I'm just trying to help you understand that if you set yourself up with high expectations, you could really wind up in the gutter.
"Do you think this is just a fall of the wagon, the therapist said it happens a lot in early recovery? Does it mean that he does not want to try anymore?"
There are some threads on this site about relapse. Search under "relapse" and you'll probably find them. My AH calls anytime he drinks after not drinking for 3 weeks, a "relapse". He's been "relapsing" for years now. He's never been sober. He's never made it out of the gates. He's also never really wanted his sobriety. He thinks he has, and when he tells me he wants it, I think he really means it. But if someone is truly serious about wanting to quit, I'm not sure how many relapses they have. The ones I know who have years of sobriety, simply choose not to drink anymore.
"He is to start the outpatient program that he wanted on 7/30 - he wanted to start sooner but they would not take him before that.... I know I am worrying to much again....I can't help myself - I wonder if i will ever break this cycle of me always being the one that worries."
I think you'll break the cycle somehow, if for no other reason than you just get sick and tired of expending so much energy over it all. It's exhausting. I thought my AH's drinking was the primo, numero uno problem in my life. Then I got cancer. I wasn't thinking much about his drinking at that time. And woah!!!! did he ever use my condition to drink. I mean, he was chugging hard core around my mother and kids. No matter if your AH goes to rehab or not, if he's not serious about quitting, there will always be "triggers" or excuses to drink. It's part of life.
"I will tell him tomorrow that should another episode happen like the night he was taken to the hospital and put in restraints that i will call the police again and have him committed. Not to try and gain control, but to get some peace for me"
I don't really know what to tell you about this. I've never done it.
"I thought that was his rock bottom, but obviously no matter how many times he told me it was - it was not."
I don't know how many times I've thought my AH hit rock bottom. But you hear about stories where A's urinate all over their own couches/beds/recliners and don't hit bottom, they lose every family member they have and don't hit bottom. I don't know why we think our AH's will be any different. I thought mine was too smart not to be able to beat it, or that he had more to lose than the average guy. Mine does have more to lose than the average guy. He has 3 adult children who lived with their mother growing up. We have 2 kids together. If I leave, he will have lost 2 wives and 5 kids total. And that's not to mention the dent it will put in his retirement plans. Anyway, if it helps you to hope that this is it, than do that. But I've just let myself get let down too many times. Now, if my AH promises he's going to quit, I go get a pedicure!!! That's about how much thought I give it.
"Don't know what to do if he loses his job."
Do you have kids together? Do you have joint assets or savings? If you don't have kids, and you do have money together, that's a tough call. Because you'll drain any money you have trying to live without his income.
"Anyone with any advise. I would love to hear it..."
You're "sadandhopeless" and you say the "party is over". You sound permanently sad. You say you're hopeful, but you're name is "hopeless". You probably need to spend a lot of time figuring out how much you want your AH in your life and at what cost. If he is to stay in your life, you're going to have to supplement the fun you should be getting from a spouse, with something else. Because if it's one thing I've learned, A's are notorious for not being fun. When they are drinking, they are stupid. When they aren't, they are self-righteous. At least mine is anyway. He makes up for it in some other ways, but that's the bottom line for me. I have fun with my family and friends.
Overall, I think you might be happier if you lower your expectations a tad and focus on what will make you happy. He's bound to let you down over and over again. Isn't it better to be pleasantly surprised than horribly disappointed? If my AH ever gets sober, I'll be pleasantly shocked!!! I'll take HIM down for a pedicure with me!!
Take care. Being married to an alcoholic is just no fun. I doubt that my marriage will last forever. And I danged sure won't marry another one!! I wouldn't marry a recovering A either. Soooo much drama. Go get a pedicure!!!
You have no idea how helpful this was to me. You are so sweet and sincere. I am trying my hardest I know it is going to take me time. We do not have any children. I don't have any children although my entire life I could not wait to me a mom, but I don't want to bring a child into this world with an alcoholic father. I just won't do it. So I don't know if I will ever have my chance at being a mother, which saddens me the most about all this.
He is fantastic with children and they flock to him - I know he wants children but I just can't do it until he is in recovery for a period of time and by the way things are going I don't think that is going to happen.
In the past he had naltrexone and that seemed to not really help that much. It worked for about a month.
I know I get so excited everytime I think there is something out there that he has not tried - but in my head I know untimately he has to put in the work and the effort. There is no miracle pill.
I am going to take your advise and get a pedicure the day after this happens... hopefully I wont be getting pedicures every day...lol
You have survived so much with the cancer and you are a fantastic lady. He does not realize how lucky he is to have you.
My husband uses his fathers death as a major excuse to drink - just as yours was using your sickness - I am sure he was devastated and did not know how to handle it with you being sick - he should have learned from you....He needed to be there for you and for that I am sorry...but you made it and you are still hear with us!!!!!
Your husband does have a lot to lose - I hope he realizes this.
Our home that we own we own together and one car - but that is really about it and my precious Norman our english springer spanial - he is a fantastic therapy through all this - I love my dog....since I don't have any children...lol
I love my home and don't want to sell it. I know I am not supposed to take up for him to try and keep our finances together. I just don't want to lose my house so will do what ever I need to - to make that happen...I don't want to ruin my credit either so that is hard for me to understand. I just could not sit by and watch it go or have it taken away - I love the house and waited so long to have it.
I am 33 years old. We have been together since we were really young teenagers - i never would have thought our lives would turn out like this....
We have so many happy days together and have such fun and get along great - but this disease has really taken a toll on our relationship in the worst way. Sometimes now I can't even stand to look at him.
I know he is trying, but I feel he needs to do more at this point.
Cant wait to hear back from you.
I hoe you are having a great night and I hope you did not have to go for a pedicure today. lol
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
Originally Posted by suki44883
I don't want to dishearten you but I just wanted to let you know that I took Campral for nearly a year, in addition to another drug called Naltrexone, both of which are supposed to 'cure' alcoholism, and neither one of them did any good. The companies that make both of them (I forget who they are off the top of my head) present brochures full of statistics and charts and tables showing that they make alcoholics stop drinking, but again, from personal experience I can tell you that they do absolutely no good.
I beg to differ. First of all, neither Campral nor Naltrexone claim to cure alcoholism. They do help with cravings. I, also, know this from personal experience. No medication on earth will cure alcoholism...it still boils down to the person NOT WANTING to drink. However, to say that Campral and Naltrexone do absolutely no good is disingenuous.
I beg to differ. First of all, neither Campral nor Naltrexone claim to cure alcoholism. They do help with cravings. I, also, know this from personal experience. No medication on earth will cure alcoholism...it still boils down to the person NOT WANTING to drink. However, to say that Campral and Naltrexone do absolutely no good is disingenuous.
Thanks to both of you for your opinions it is always good to hear the positives and the negatives....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
Originally Posted by rivka
I'm sorry that you have to go thru this Jackie.
These posts above are fantastic. Don't know if I can add anything as useful, but agree with all of the boundary discussion.
Not only do you not DESERVE the heartache, you deserve to have peace in your life, and stability, and safety, and security, and love and trust.
You can start by feeling that you deserve to have a life free of emotional pain that his illness is causing you.
It is easier to give this advice than hear it, but know that you need to protect yourself.
No need to feel guilty for what you are about to do in response to his lack of action.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it and certainly can't cure it, but you can refuse to accept the behaviors that are detrimental to your well being...that is things he may do which will cause you harm, financially, emotionally, etc.
Create a separate bank account and put YOUR money somewhere safe so he cannot clean it out. If you share the account take what you put in.
If he loses his job, and YOU wind up paying for his bills and keeping the house going, he will not have learned anything...it only shows him that you are there to pick up the pieces regardless of what he does. I think some people consider that still enabling.
I wouldn't say that you should "lose your home", to prove the point, but you may want to have a plan (staying with a friend or other solution) should his illness (which has taken over his mind) pull you under and begin destroying the security and assets you have worked so hard for.
I'm here for you too. Please continue to post so we know how you are.
God Bless,
rivka
These posts above are fantastic. Don't know if I can add anything as useful, but agree with all of the boundary discussion.
Not only do you not DESERVE the heartache, you deserve to have peace in your life, and stability, and safety, and security, and love and trust.
You can start by feeling that you deserve to have a life free of emotional pain that his illness is causing you.
It is easier to give this advice than hear it, but know that you need to protect yourself.
No need to feel guilty for what you are about to do in response to his lack of action.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it and certainly can't cure it, but you can refuse to accept the behaviors that are detrimental to your well being...that is things he may do which will cause you harm, financially, emotionally, etc.
Create a separate bank account and put YOUR money somewhere safe so he cannot clean it out. If you share the account take what you put in.
If he loses his job, and YOU wind up paying for his bills and keeping the house going, he will not have learned anything...it only shows him that you are there to pick up the pieces regardless of what he does. I think some people consider that still enabling.
I wouldn't say that you should "lose your home", to prove the point, but you may want to have a plan (staying with a friend or other solution) should his illness (which has taken over his mind) pull you under and begin destroying the security and assets you have worked so hard for.
I'm here for you too. Please continue to post so we know how you are.
God Bless,
rivka
I am going to try and not think about it as he is scheduled to go back to work on july 21 - I just hope he is able to keep his job and do the right thing. The an actually loves his job....I have to try and not worry so much, but it is a constant in my brain with everthing.
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