Need help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Need help
My husband is alcoholic. He promissed to stop 9 months ago, and it seemed as he did, I knew that he had a drink or two occasionally, but comparing to before this was haven. Every time he came home he looked ok. Last nite his friend called me to tell me that my husband is drinking a lot everyday and covers it up by snorting speed!!!
I do not need to tell you how I feel. I confronted him and of course he denied it all...
I have 2 kids, how do I live with a fact that their father is a drug user as well as an alcoholic?
I do not know anything about mixing alcohol and speed. can speed do that, make someone look normal when they have acctually drank a LOt???
Please, anyone, give me any info on this, I feel like I'm going crazy!
I'd be very grateful for any info or opinion on this, so I can at least try to start thinking clearly...
I do not need to tell you how I feel. I confronted him and of course he denied it all...
I have 2 kids, how do I live with a fact that their father is a drug user as well as an alcoholic?
I do not know anything about mixing alcohol and speed. can speed do that, make someone look normal when they have acctually drank a LOt???
Please, anyone, give me any info on this, I feel like I'm going crazy!
I'd be very grateful for any info or opinion on this, so I can at least try to start thinking clearly...
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Big hugs to you and welcome to SR! I'm so sorry your going through this. I don't know the effects of speed and drinking. I would just make sure you and your children are the first priority. You cannot control his behaviors, only he can decide if he's going to continue drinking or not. Just try to take it one minute at a time, breathe and try to focus on you and your kids. Maybe look into Al Anon, it was really helpful for me.
Remember the 3 C's:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
Remember the 3 C's:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
I am a recovering alcoholic. I have been sober for 60 days from alcohol but 14 years ago I got sober off of speed. The answer is YES, you can look look and act more sober with stimulants. Damm. I drank energy drinks with my alcohol so I could drink more and my husband would not know.
I am very sorry for you. What a mess.
He needs help and you need support and boundaries. Good luck!
I am very sorry for you. What a mess.
He needs help and you need support and boundaries. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: London
Posts: 130
I don't know about speed but have heard of cocaine being used to enable heavy drinkers/alcoholics to drink more. I don't want to be accused of libel but if I remember rightly the British footballer Paul Merson did this regularly
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Thank you all for your kinds words... I am trying to take one minute at the time, but it so hard, I feel like the hurricane has passed over time. I was sooo convinced he's doing well, I finally started putting my life back together after so many years of his heavy drinking, and his ending up in the hospital one year ago when he started to quit on his own... And now, for the past nine months I started to believe that I can have a normal life again, I started to breathe again and feel alive after such a long time, and now... it is even worse from what it was...
And the funny thing is I don't even know what I feel, I'm not angry (I guess it'd be much healthier for me if I was)... I guess I just feel disappointed and betrayed and I can’t stop crying… Tonight I was sitting in the living room crying and he just went to bed, 2 minutes later he’s sound asleep… and I’m still here, writing this is calming me down a bit…
I already told you that he denied everything when I confronted him today, and I said ok, it is not true, but I had too much stress due to your drinking anyways, do this for me: stay with me constantly for next 3 days to prove that you can stay off booze as you say, no more drinking in the future, no more going to his regular pub, and no more contact with these few friends that I found out he’s doing drugs with. He said no, he’ll stay with me for 3 days to prove me wrong, but will not do other things I asked him to. I told him that this is a last chance I’m giving him, and he has to choose between this and his family. Again he said no, cause “no one has right to tell him what to do, where to go and who to see or not to see” (which would be perfectly normal thing to say if all the history can be erased).
I said all that, but I still don’t know if I actually have the strength to really finish it, because all I’m thinking about is my kids, I can’t figure out which is the worst option, to have at home a father who do these kinds of things or to have him leave which will most likely push him even deeper into all this that he is doing. We live in a small town, which makes matters much worse…
I don’t know what to do. I am so lost, my whole life has collapsed and I can’t see the way out…
And the funny thing is I don't even know what I feel, I'm not angry (I guess it'd be much healthier for me if I was)... I guess I just feel disappointed and betrayed and I can’t stop crying… Tonight I was sitting in the living room crying and he just went to bed, 2 minutes later he’s sound asleep… and I’m still here, writing this is calming me down a bit…
I already told you that he denied everything when I confronted him today, and I said ok, it is not true, but I had too much stress due to your drinking anyways, do this for me: stay with me constantly for next 3 days to prove that you can stay off booze as you say, no more drinking in the future, no more going to his regular pub, and no more contact with these few friends that I found out he’s doing drugs with. He said no, he’ll stay with me for 3 days to prove me wrong, but will not do other things I asked him to. I told him that this is a last chance I’m giving him, and he has to choose between this and his family. Again he said no, cause “no one has right to tell him what to do, where to go and who to see or not to see” (which would be perfectly normal thing to say if all the history can be erased).
I said all that, but I still don’t know if I actually have the strength to really finish it, because all I’m thinking about is my kids, I can’t figure out which is the worst option, to have at home a father who do these kinds of things or to have him leave which will most likely push him even deeper into all this that he is doing. We live in a small town, which makes matters much worse…
I don’t know what to do. I am so lost, my whole life has collapsed and I can’t see the way out…
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by sesh 
he said no, cause “no one has right to tell him what to do, where to go and who to see or not to see” (which would be perfectly normal thing to say if all the history can be erased).
Unfortunately, it may be that his choice is to continue drinking and doing drugs.
You get to make the choice about what you can and are willing to do about what you see as unacceptable behavior. You can change yourself, the way you react. You can set boundaries and determine what the consequences for violation of those boundaries will be. You can take control of your life.
Originally Posted by sesh
I said all that, but I still don’t know if I actually have the strength to really finish it, because all I’m thinking about is my kids, I can’t figure out which is the worst option, to have at home a father who do these kinds of things or to have him leave which will most likely push him even deeper into all this that he is doing. We live in a small town, which makes matters much worse…
I don’t know what to do. I am so lost, my whole life has collapsed and I can’t see the way out…
I don’t know what to do. I am so lost, my whole life has collapsed and I can’t see the way out…
Try to stop thinking in terms of your behavior pushing him into depper alcohol or drug abuse. He will do what he does regardless of your actions or lack of actions.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
Originally Posted by sesh
My husband is alcoholic. He promissed to stop 9 months ago, and it seemed as he did, I knew that he had a drink or two occasionally, but comparing to before this was haven. Every time he came home he looked ok. Last nite his friend called me to tell me that my husband is drinking a lot everyday and covers it up by snorting speed!!!
I do not need to tell you how I feel. I confronted him and of course he denied it all...
I have 2 kids, how do I live with a fact that their father is a drug user as well as an alcoholic?
I do not know anything about mixing alcohol and speed. can speed do that, make someone look normal when they have acctually drank a LOt???
Please, anyone, give me any info on this, I feel like I'm going crazy!
I'd be very grateful for any info or opinion on this, so I can at least try to start thinking clearly...
I do not need to tell you how I feel. I confronted him and of course he denied it all...
I have 2 kids, how do I live with a fact that their father is a drug user as well as an alcoholic?
I do not know anything about mixing alcohol and speed. can speed do that, make someone look normal when they have acctually drank a LOt???
Please, anyone, give me any info on this, I feel like I'm going crazy!
I'd be very grateful for any info or opinion on this, so I can at least try to start thinking clearly...
I am so sorry you are going through this. Please keep us posted. Not sure if I helped at all.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
Originally Posted by sesh
Thank you all for your kinds words... I am trying to take one minute at the time, but it so hard, I feel like the hurricane has passed over time. I was sooo convinced he's doing well, I finally started putting my life back together after so many years of his heavy drinking, and his ending up in the hospital one year ago when he started to quit on his own... And now, for the past nine months I started to believe that I can have a normal life again, I started to breathe again and feel alive after such a long time, and now... it is even worse from what it was...
And the funny thing is I don't even know what I feel, I'm not angry (I guess it'd be much healthier for me if I was)... I guess I just feel disappointed and betrayed and I can’t stop crying… Tonight I was sitting in the living room crying and he just went to bed, 2 minutes later he’s sound asleep… and I’m still here, writing this is calming me down a bit…
I already told you that he denied everything when I confronted him today, and I said ok, it is not true, but I had too much stress due to your drinking anyways, do this for me: stay with me constantly for next 3 days to prove that you can stay off booze as you say, no more drinking in the future, no more going to his regular pub, and no more contact with these few friends that I found out he’s doing drugs with. He said no, he’ll stay with me for 3 days to prove me wrong, but will not do other things I asked him to. I told him that this is a last chance I’m giving him, and he has to choose between this and his family. Again he said no, cause “no one has right to tell him what to do, where to go and who to see or not to see” (which would be perfectly normal thing to say if all the history can be erased).
I said all that, but I still don’t know if I actually have the strength to really finish it, because all I’m thinking about is my kids, I can’t figure out which is the worst option, to have at home a father who do these kinds of things or to have him leave which will most likely push him even deeper into all this that he is doing. We live in a small town, which makes matters much worse…
I don’t know what to do. I am so lost, my whole life has collapsed and I can’t see the way out…
And the funny thing is I don't even know what I feel, I'm not angry (I guess it'd be much healthier for me if I was)... I guess I just feel disappointed and betrayed and I can’t stop crying… Tonight I was sitting in the living room crying and he just went to bed, 2 minutes later he’s sound asleep… and I’m still here, writing this is calming me down a bit…
I already told you that he denied everything when I confronted him today, and I said ok, it is not true, but I had too much stress due to your drinking anyways, do this for me: stay with me constantly for next 3 days to prove that you can stay off booze as you say, no more drinking in the future, no more going to his regular pub, and no more contact with these few friends that I found out he’s doing drugs with. He said no, he’ll stay with me for 3 days to prove me wrong, but will not do other things I asked him to. I told him that this is a last chance I’m giving him, and he has to choose between this and his family. Again he said no, cause “no one has right to tell him what to do, where to go and who to see or not to see” (which would be perfectly normal thing to say if all the history can be erased).
I said all that, but I still don’t know if I actually have the strength to really finish it, because all I’m thinking about is my kids, I can’t figure out which is the worst option, to have at home a father who do these kinds of things or to have him leave which will most likely push him even deeper into all this that he is doing. We live in a small town, which makes matters much worse…
I don’t know what to do. I am so lost, my whole life has collapsed and I can’t see the way out…
take care of yourself and your children first. if he is treating you this way he does not deserve your love and commitment and worry. I know that is easier said then done. To bad the addicts can't feel what we feel. to bad they can't walk a single day in our shoes as the people who love them. i wish this was easy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: MI
Posts: 5
great book that's helped me
My husband is an alcoholic who recently (after MANY years of unsuccessful attempts) admitted himself into the hospital for rehabilitation. Not only is Al-Anon very helpful, but there's a GREAT book out there - and it's full of excellent info. Codependent No More. It is full of incredibly helpful information for you and your children. As others have said, you can't control him - only you.
Best of luck to you. Know that you are NOT ALONE!
:praying
Best of luck to you. Know that you are NOT ALONE!
:praying
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this difficulty. It must have been an awful shock to find out that he was drinking heavily and snorting speed.
There are so many ways to protect yourself from the fallout of alcoholism. I didn't understand that for a long time. I was emersed in the chaos created by the alcoholic in my life. Once I figured out that I needed to save myself......that's when things started getting better for me.
gentle hugs
There are so many ways to protect yourself from the fallout of alcoholism. I didn't understand that for a long time. I was emersed in the chaos created by the alcoholic in my life. Once I figured out that I needed to save myself......that's when things started getting better for me.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
I also believed for 6 months that my STBXAH wasn't drinking. He got a DUI and passed it off as having been under the influence of Xanax for his panic disorder...and I believed him. Fast forward to my kicking him out of the house, and I'm now hearing from friends that they would see him out drinking but didn't tell me because a) he begged them not to and b) they knew we were on the rocks anyway and didn't want to rock the boat further. 
For me, I couldn't have him in my home. He will always be a part of my life because of our children, but I don't have to allow him to have any kind of emotional control over me either. You don't have to make any grand decisions right now. Take a look at what you can do today to make yourself feel good and protected/insulated from his drinking. Boundaries with consequences that you are willing to inforce are a great place to start.
(((HUGS))) Should you decide to remove yourself from the situation, your children will be fine. It's a struggle, but it does get a lot easier pretty quickly.
For me, I couldn't have him in my home. He will always be a part of my life because of our children, but I don't have to allow him to have any kind of emotional control over me either. You don't have to make any grand decisions right now. Take a look at what you can do today to make yourself feel good and protected/insulated from his drinking. Boundaries with consequences that you are willing to inforce are a great place to start.
(((HUGS))) Should you decide to remove yourself from the situation, your children will be fine. It's a struggle, but it does get a lot easier pretty quickly.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
I am trying to think of the boundaries, but I don't think I'm too good at that, how can anyone live with the person who lies and drinks and does drugs on the top of all that? But he is my husband, he is the father of my children, how can I stay aside and watch him distroy himself and our family, how can I surpress the urge to fix it all, even though I know that I can't fix it, since I don't have any control over it. The only thing I'm clear about is that I can not live with him, be married to him, if he continues doing this, but I can't put a deffinite stop to it, as I can't stop beliveing that I can somehow do something to make him realize that what he is doing is wrong, ... I know you all already explained all this to me, but I keep thinking this...
This morning I told him I don't have any conditions or rules for him any more I just need him to tell me the truth, and I'll let him try to sort everything out himself, give him all the support he needs... I hoped this might sink in, but he came tonite and started lies again, saying none of it is true. I tried to explain to him that all I need at this point is the truth, that if he can't give me that we have nothing to talk about, as there is than no ground to start rebuilding our future on... but no, he was acting really offended and stormed out of the house...
And I guess by now even the idiot would comprehend there is no any hope here, but I still keep on hoping! How can I be this stupid????
And the biggest irony in it all is: my father was alcoholic, and I spent my whole life thinking that I would never, ever put up with the **** my mum was dealing with all her life! And now she was to watch me go through all this, I don't tell her anything, I guess mostly because I'm too embarassed, but I know she can see it all, and I KNow it makes her heart bleed.
I feel such a faliure, and I can not believe how could I have let myself be caught into this hell.
And I know it all, I know it is not my fault, it's his, and know I can't fix it, only he can, but why I don't finish this when I know that's the only right thing to do, why am I so stupid to think he'll change, when he promissed to do so a thousand times and never did!
What is wrong with me? I know all this, and I stay. I know all my friends and family are feeling sorry for me, I can see it by the way they looked at me, and that is so humiliating...
And I feel sorry for him, because he is a very nice person, before he started drinking a lot he was the best husband one can wish for, and it is so hard to give up on him, as I know that even though I can't fix it, I'm the only chance he has to get back on track, to become the person he used to be. If I give up on him he has nothing, he is completely lost...
Nothing makes any sense any more... I feel what ever I do it's a wrong thing to do...
I know you told me many things, but please, tell me again, tell me more, help me get some wisdom, I'm desperate...
thank you
This morning I told him I don't have any conditions or rules for him any more I just need him to tell me the truth, and I'll let him try to sort everything out himself, give him all the support he needs... I hoped this might sink in, but he came tonite and started lies again, saying none of it is true. I tried to explain to him that all I need at this point is the truth, that if he can't give me that we have nothing to talk about, as there is than no ground to start rebuilding our future on... but no, he was acting really offended and stormed out of the house...
And I guess by now even the idiot would comprehend there is no any hope here, but I still keep on hoping! How can I be this stupid????
And the biggest irony in it all is: my father was alcoholic, and I spent my whole life thinking that I would never, ever put up with the **** my mum was dealing with all her life! And now she was to watch me go through all this, I don't tell her anything, I guess mostly because I'm too embarassed, but I know she can see it all, and I KNow it makes her heart bleed.
I feel such a faliure, and I can not believe how could I have let myself be caught into this hell.
And I know it all, I know it is not my fault, it's his, and know I can't fix it, only he can, but why I don't finish this when I know that's the only right thing to do, why am I so stupid to think he'll change, when he promissed to do so a thousand times and never did!
What is wrong with me? I know all this, and I stay. I know all my friends and family are feeling sorry for me, I can see it by the way they looked at me, and that is so humiliating...
And I feel sorry for him, because he is a very nice person, before he started drinking a lot he was the best husband one can wish for, and it is so hard to give up on him, as I know that even though I can't fix it, I'm the only chance he has to get back on track, to become the person he used to be. If I give up on him he has nothing, he is completely lost...
Nothing makes any sense any more... I feel what ever I do it's a wrong thing to do...
I know you told me many things, but please, tell me again, tell me more, help me get some wisdom, I'm desperate...
thank you
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Sesh, you might want to do some reading on the subject of adult children of alcoholics or read in the forum here for us. I konw when I started looking into the subject it made so many things about my behaviors much clearer.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by sesh
I'm the only chance he has to get back on track, to become the person he used to be. If I give up on him he has nothing, he is completely lost...
In order to think about boundaries, you have to think about yourself--the only person you have control over. Boundaries are not rules to make him behave. They are protections for you regardless of how he behaves. How about this for a start? You don't discuss his drinking or drug use with him any more since you know he lies about it. That's a boundary. Since every boundary needs a consequence, you could leave the room if he starts trying to discuss it/lie about it with you. I believe it helps to start with small ones and work your way up to the big ones. Can you think of any others?
L
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I just remembered I read a great book about adult children of alcoholics online. It's free and complete. Here is the link:
Free Self Help Guide for Adult Children :: Taming Your Turbulent Past :: Gayle Rosellini & Mark Worden
Free Self Help Guide for Adult Children :: Taming Your Turbulent Past :: Gayle Rosellini & Mark Worden
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by sesh
This morning I told him I don't have any conditions or rules for him any more I just need him to tell me the truth, and I'll let him try to sort everything out himself, give him all the support he needs... I hoped this might sink in, but he came tonite and started lies again, saying none of it is true. ... but no, he was acting really offended and stormed out of the house...How can I be this stupid????
I don't tell her anything, I guess mostly because I'm too embarassed, but I know she can see it all, ....I feel such a faliure, and I can not believe how could I have let myself be caught into this hell....And why am I so stupid to think he'll change, when he promissed to do so a thousand times and never did!......I know all my friends and family are feeling sorry for me, I can see it by the way they looked at me, and that is so humiliating... Nothing makes any sense any more... I feel what ever I do it's a wrong thing to do...
I don't tell her anything, I guess mostly because I'm too embarassed, but I know she can see it all, ....I feel such a faliure, and I can not believe how could I have let myself be caught into this hell....And why am I so stupid to think he'll change, when he promissed to do so a thousand times and never did!......I know all my friends and family are feeling sorry for me, I can see it by the way they looked at me, and that is so humiliating... Nothing makes any sense any more... I feel what ever I do it's a wrong thing to do...
You are not crazy or stupid. Look how long you held on and used your wits and intelligence to survive. You are waking up to reality and it hurts and is hard. One thing I have learned is to take things one day at a time because i like to do the old doom and gloom dance. I only have today and i get to choose how that will be for me. So I like to choose serenity and joy regardless of what the A throws my way. I also have learned that more will be revealed and to pray for guidance.
Keep comong back because there are loads of us that have been exactly where you are. You are not alone.
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