Clueless
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Clueless
Hello all,
I've been reading this forum for about a week and a half now. I see that its mainly women, and I have some questions that are primarily for the guys out there who have alcoholic wife. But, Ladies, if you have advice, please let me know what you think.
Here's the story. For the last 2 1/2 years my wife has been drinking to excess. Before that, she ate too much, and had bariatric surgery. This makes the effects of alcohol massively worse. Currently, she drinks about 1.5 liters of wine a night.
I need support. She will not go to treatment, nor counseling. Furthermore, she's deliberatly doing things that are distructive to the marriage. She's created match.com profiles, had secret email addresses, spent the night with her ex husband, calls him when I'm traveling, lies, etc. She gets ferociously angry if I disagree with her, which then comes down to "If you don't like it, get the F*** out". In addition, she claims not to remember doing things, or that what she's doing is perfectly okay.
I don't know if she's just an alcoholic, or if she's just plain going nuts? How have the men in here handled their wives and girlfriends when they do this stuff. Ladies, how do you deal with stuff like this?
One other fact that makes it difficult, is that I live about 75 miles from my social network. My choice, as I was trying to please my wife.
She calls emotional detachment "living with a cold numb person who doesn't care".
If you all would, let me knwo what you think.
Red
I've been reading this forum for about a week and a half now. I see that its mainly women, and I have some questions that are primarily for the guys out there who have alcoholic wife. But, Ladies, if you have advice, please let me know what you think.
Here's the story. For the last 2 1/2 years my wife has been drinking to excess. Before that, she ate too much, and had bariatric surgery. This makes the effects of alcohol massively worse. Currently, she drinks about 1.5 liters of wine a night.
I need support. She will not go to treatment, nor counseling. Furthermore, she's deliberatly doing things that are distructive to the marriage. She's created match.com profiles, had secret email addresses, spent the night with her ex husband, calls him when I'm traveling, lies, etc. She gets ferociously angry if I disagree with her, which then comes down to "If you don't like it, get the F*** out". In addition, she claims not to remember doing things, or that what she's doing is perfectly okay.
I don't know if she's just an alcoholic, or if she's just plain going nuts? How have the men in here handled their wives and girlfriends when they do this stuff. Ladies, how do you deal with stuff like this?
One other fact that makes it difficult, is that I live about 75 miles from my social network. My choice, as I was trying to please my wife.
She calls emotional detachment "living with a cold numb person who doesn't care".
If you all would, let me knwo what you think.
Red
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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Well, even without the alcohol aspect, that doesn't sound like a very good situation. However, if she is unwilling to get any help, there's not much you can do except either put up with it, detach while living there, or move out. You don't say whether or not you have children. That would weigh heavily in any decision.
Here's hoping that you will begin to focus on YOUR happiness.
Here's hoping that you will begin to focus on YOUR happiness.
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Re: Clueless
She has children from a prior relationship. We have no children together.
One other piece of information. When I try and speak to her about her decisions, her response is "I did nothing wrong."
Red
One other piece of information. When I try and speak to her about her decisions, her response is "I did nothing wrong."
Red
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Redd,
That's the usual response to detachment, no matter how much love is involved. Because we're no longer playing The Game, we're cold, hard, heartless. It's pretty common.
Not to be overly pragmatic but....... It appears she has little (if any) interest in being a good partner, and is willing to trample on your feelings without a second thought. She's not interested in the fact that she's hurting you, and not interested in changing her behavior at all.
What's in this marriage for you? What are you getting out of it at this stage? Why do you stay in such an unhappy situation? (that's not a rhetorical question........there must be a reason you're willing to put up with such an ungodly amount of disrespect and stress)
GL
That's the usual response to detachment, no matter how much love is involved. Because we're no longer playing The Game, we're cold, hard, heartless. It's pretty common.
Not to be overly pragmatic but....... It appears she has little (if any) interest in being a good partner, and is willing to trample on your feelings without a second thought. She's not interested in the fact that she's hurting you, and not interested in changing her behavior at all.
What's in this marriage for you? What are you getting out of it at this stage? Why do you stay in such an unhappy situation? (that's not a rhetorical question........there must be a reason you're willing to put up with such an ungodly amount of disrespect and stress)
GL
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
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Detaching, in my opinion, includes not interfering with the consequences of someone's actions. As it comes close to home, that includes consequences when someone crosses the boundaries I have set for my own sanity. If there are things in your relationship that are unacceptable to you, what are the consequences when you are faced with those?
Alcoholics are much like children in that bad behavior without consequences implies approval and is reinforced. At least - that's how it was with this alcoholic. No one who ever said in response to my alcoholic behavior, "It's okay," did me any favors. If it's not okay, I need to hear it. If it's not okay, I need to feel the effects of it. If that means living with someone who is numb and emotionally unavailable to me, then I'm going to eventually see a pattern of my behavior and his or her response. If I don't catch on to it or choose to do nothing about it, those consequences increase - I hope.
Not one of us is responsible for having alcoholism. Not one of us. Every single one of us who has the disease/illness/condition of alcoholism (addiction) is, however, responsible for our recovery. I am a firm believer in not depriving someone of his or her bottom.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Alcoholics are much like children in that bad behavior without consequences implies approval and is reinforced. At least - that's how it was with this alcoholic. No one who ever said in response to my alcoholic behavior, "It's okay," did me any favors. If it's not okay, I need to hear it. If it's not okay, I need to feel the effects of it. If that means living with someone who is numb and emotionally unavailable to me, then I'm going to eventually see a pattern of my behavior and his or her response. If I don't catch on to it or choose to do nothing about it, those consequences increase - I hope.
Not one of us is responsible for having alcoholism. Not one of us. Every single one of us who has the disease/illness/condition of alcoholism (addiction) is, however, responsible for our recovery. I am a firm believer in not depriving someone of his or her bottom.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
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Location: Ohio
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Hi,Redd..........glad you are here!
Her behavior sounds very,very similar to my exAH's at a certain point (back when he still thought he had the world "by the tail"). Ugh!
Coming here to read and post,other reading (I especially like Getting Them Sober books;see http:Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications for some online chapters) have really helped me. Many here go regularly to Alanon and find that invaluable.
Learning about addiction and also positive steps I could take has been helpful. It's been a slow,learning process for me.
Hope you stick around!
p.s. I learned to do something nice for ME every day,too. And start treating myself with some of the TLC I was "wasting" on someone who was not interested in it.
Her behavior sounds very,very similar to my exAH's at a certain point (back when he still thought he had the world "by the tail"). Ugh!
Coming here to read and post,other reading (I especially like Getting Them Sober books;see http:Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications for some online chapters) have really helped me. Many here go regularly to Alanon and find that invaluable.
Learning about addiction and also positive steps I could take has been helpful. It's been a slow,learning process for me.
Hope you stick around!
p.s. I learned to do something nice for ME every day,too. And start treating myself with some of the TLC I was "wasting" on someone who was not interested in it.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
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GiveLove,
To be honest, I'm not getting a lot. I've always been asked to sacrifice for the "good of the family", (which right now has put me into deep hole, with the housing market the way it is, because my guess is that if I try to divorce her, she'll try to stick me with the house). So, right now, the only thing I get is grief.
Sugah, I appreciate your experience. I see how what I do reinforces her behavior. She's very lucky as she's never had to experience any repercussions because of her behavior. She's always done something, then promised not to do it again. Like a fool I believed her.
Red
To be honest, I'm not getting a lot. I've always been asked to sacrifice for the "good of the family", (which right now has put me into deep hole, with the housing market the way it is, because my guess is that if I try to divorce her, she'll try to stick me with the house). So, right now, the only thing I get is grief.
Sugah, I appreciate your experience. I see how what I do reinforces her behavior. She's very lucky as she's never had to experience any repercussions because of her behavior. She's always done something, then promised not to do it again. Like a fool I believed her.
Red
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 239
My AW has been on many levels. Mad, sad, intoxicated, remorseful and more. I have teenage boys so I am hanging in there to keep the house whole. She is to the point where she knows she is alcoholic but can't or wont stop. She will go 2-9 months sober and then relapse. The hard part is getting them to admit they have a problem. You can't "make" that happen. You can only tell them what you see, set boudries and stick to your boundries so that there are consequences to their actions.
Good Luck!
Good Luck!
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome Red. To me it came down to what was I willing to tolerate in my marriage. For me, a husband who was drunk daily, unemployed for then 2 years and who did nothing to contribute to the household or marriage meant that I had to leave and give myself the better life I deserve. Staying in a dead marriage was not something I was willing to do.
Ask yourself what you are getting out of this marriage and whether it is enough to continue as you are. Perhaps separate and give both of you time to find out if you want to stay married. You can always go back if you find that is what you want and need.
Ask yourself what you are getting out of this marriage and whether it is enough to continue as you are. Perhaps separate and give both of you time to find out if you want to stay married. You can always go back if you find that is what you want and need.
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As the spouse of an alcoholic, I was unhappy for most of 20 years of my life. What kept me staying was the hope that things would change. They didn't. Once I began to look at things as they were, rather than as I hoped they would be, I decided that I didn't want to spend any more of my precious life waiting for things to change.
If nothing were to ever change, if what you have now is what you will have for the rest of your life, is that what you want? I know it's difficult to look at it that way, but the truth is that none of us is powerful enough to make another person change.
L
If nothing were to ever change, if what you have now is what you will have for the rest of your life, is that what you want? I know it's difficult to look at it that way, but the truth is that none of us is powerful enough to make another person change.
L
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Illinois
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Hi Red, I'm new here also and don't know much to tell you, but I myself also had bariatric surgery & I have seen with others as well that we replace our food addictions with other addictions. Mine being shopping although mild. I drink now & then to take the edge off things, but most of the time 2 drinks knocks me out so I just stay away from it all. One place I'd really recommend checking out though is obesityhelp.com , its a wls site and they have a forum there dedicated to addictions. You might find some useful info there. Good Luck!
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You know... I've been doing a lot thinking today. The reason I posted today was because I had a big blowup with my AW Saturday. I was looking at dealbreakers on this forum, and you know... I have had all my dealbreakers slammed down my throat. And I let it happen to myself... How stupid can I be!!!!
The blowup was about her actions. She called her ex, she was on a business trip and did some inappropriate things.
But long term, its the god awful disrespect I get from her that is so wearing. She can't take time off in from travel to call. She'll drink and party away the night, and no consideration. When I'm in places that do not have cell coverage, she'll call my cell phone and leave a message, even though she can call me on a land line. She just doesn't respect me at all.
And I'm letting this happen to me!!!!! Why? I'm an idiot. I think I've had the AHA moment that everyone talks about on this forum.
The blowup was about her actions. She called her ex, she was on a business trip and did some inappropriate things.
But long term, its the god awful disrespect I get from her that is so wearing. She can't take time off in from travel to call. She'll drink and party away the night, and no consideration. When I'm in places that do not have cell coverage, she'll call my cell phone and leave a message, even though she can call me on a land line. She just doesn't respect me at all.
And I'm letting this happen to me!!!!! Why? I'm an idiot. I think I've had the AHA moment that everyone talks about on this forum.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
Reddmax,
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I am not an A but have been in the codie spot all to often. I hear your frustration and it really hits home for me. My XABF left me and for years I thought I was the biggest dummy...just a total blind loser that probably did all the things wrong he said I did.
The lack of respect I put up with...I can't even understand what I was thinking. I just chalked it all up to that fact that I must be the crazy, paranoid, ungrateful person he made me out to be. Not true!
Anyway...you are not an idiot and the fact that you are here really proves that you are not! There are alot of decisions you will have to make but I want to say first and foremost that you are on your way to taking care of yourself. Whether or not you stay with her or leave you don't deserve to be treated like this. None of us do.
I think you will find that the knowledge you gain here will really help you understand the dynamics of this disease. You will read other stories that make your eyes pop out because you can't believe that others feel and deal with the same things.
Keep coming back here. It is all too easy for us to forget reality and fall back into the old ways of thinking that we can change things for the A. We can only change things for ourselves. We are all here to support each other. Keep this site to yourself. It is a very important tool for you right now. Good luck with everything and please keep us posted.
Loner
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I am not an A but have been in the codie spot all to often. I hear your frustration and it really hits home for me. My XABF left me and for years I thought I was the biggest dummy...just a total blind loser that probably did all the things wrong he said I did.
The lack of respect I put up with...I can't even understand what I was thinking. I just chalked it all up to that fact that I must be the crazy, paranoid, ungrateful person he made me out to be. Not true!
Anyway...you are not an idiot and the fact that you are here really proves that you are not! There are alot of decisions you will have to make but I want to say first and foremost that you are on your way to taking care of yourself. Whether or not you stay with her or leave you don't deserve to be treated like this. None of us do.
I think you will find that the knowledge you gain here will really help you understand the dynamics of this disease. You will read other stories that make your eyes pop out because you can't believe that others feel and deal with the same things.
Keep coming back here. It is all too easy for us to forget reality and fall back into the old ways of thinking that we can change things for the A. We can only change things for ourselves. We are all here to support each other. Keep this site to yourself. It is a very important tool for you right now. Good luck with everything and please keep us posted.
Loner
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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Naahh, you're not stupid, nor an idiot. I noticed that in one particularly bad relationship, it didn't start out bad. It started out great, perfect. Then one little boundary was crossed. Then another, and pretty soon, after years, I was in a situation that I didn't even recognize as my own life. But it had happened so gradually that my mind was still back at "great." It just hadn't caught up to reality yet.
Check out that thread about "Potential" that Former Doormat started. That's where a lot of well-meaning folks here, like me, got stuck. It's remembering that it used to be better, dreaming that it could still get great again, If Only X Would Happen. We sometimes forget to look at What Is through the eyes of an impartial third party, see how things really are.
It's not stupidity to wish for the best for ourselves and our relationships. It's just being human.
It DOES sound like you could really benefit from some self-examination at this point, to establish some boundaries and to map out a path to a better life for yourself, whether that's with or without your wife. It sounds as though she is holding all the cards and thinking you will not stand up for yourself (her "you can just leave if you don't like it" stuff)
No one should be treated with such disrespect, not even by someone they love.
Wishing you the best, red.
Check out that thread about "Potential" that Former Doormat started. That's where a lot of well-meaning folks here, like me, got stuck. It's remembering that it used to be better, dreaming that it could still get great again, If Only X Would Happen. We sometimes forget to look at What Is through the eyes of an impartial third party, see how things really are.
It's not stupidity to wish for the best for ourselves and our relationships. It's just being human.
It DOES sound like you could really benefit from some self-examination at this point, to establish some boundaries and to map out a path to a better life for yourself, whether that's with or without your wife. It sounds as though she is holding all the cards and thinking you will not stand up for yourself (her "you can just leave if you don't like it" stuff)
No one should be treated with such disrespect, not even by someone they love.
Wishing you the best, red.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
It seems typical of the people I know who are alcoholics. I know a guy who beats his wife, wakes up to see her with a black eye and says, "who did that?"
She replies, "you did."
He says, "I don't remember, so oh well," (shrugs)
I personally think it's a defense mechanism. If they own up to the things they do, it would mean facing all the people they have hurt and all the bad they have done to themselves and others. So, instead, they drink to drown out the memories and get plastered, pass out and try to medicate the hurt away.
The "if you don't like it, get the F* out" deal, I'm guessing is her not wanting to break up or do the leaving. She's trying to force you to do it so she can then turn around and blame you when you leave.
I guess you have to ask yourself, "how much of this do I want to live with?" How many weeks/months/years of your life are you willing to dedicate to this only to have it get worse with no resolution?
Maybe it's time to make some boundaries and figure out what you want with your life?
She replies, "you did."
He says, "I don't remember, so oh well," (shrugs)
I personally think it's a defense mechanism. If they own up to the things they do, it would mean facing all the people they have hurt and all the bad they have done to themselves and others. So, instead, they drink to drown out the memories and get plastered, pass out and try to medicate the hurt away.
The "if you don't like it, get the F* out" deal, I'm guessing is her not wanting to break up or do the leaving. She's trying to force you to do it so she can then turn around and blame you when you leave.
I guess you have to ask yourself, "how much of this do I want to live with?" How many weeks/months/years of your life are you willing to dedicate to this only to have it get worse with no resolution?
Maybe it's time to make some boundaries and figure out what you want with your life?
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Posts: 333
Yeah, I'm beginning to get that picture. Right now, its 7:30 and she's started her 3rd 9 oz glass of wine. I was in the middle of feeding the dogs, and she made a comment, to which I replied "yep" and she got irritated and said " I see how it is now"... I just told her I was feeding the dogs and didn't mean to aggravate her. There was no ill intent, it was just a passing comment?... Weird, the way she acts. I don't ever know if she's going to be the Monster or the SAD woman, or the Sex Machine. Its like living with a Sybil.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
I'm sorry. That has to be so hard. Unless she wants help, I don't know what to tell you, other than you may reach a point where you are tired of walking on eggshells around her and being treated in this manner. It's you who has to decide what your breaking point is.
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Redd,
I'm a recovering alkie. I specifically acted in many of the ways that you are mentioning that your wife is acting because:
I was afraid to look like the bad guy so I did everything I could to act like a complete and utter idiot so my exH would leave. Then I could play the victim to anybody who would listen.
I was unhappy and needed a reason for it, so I blamed him.
I was selfish and so he owed it to me to make me happy.
I never voiced any of these things, I preferred to act in a completely different way then how I felt. He was supposed to read my mind.
Yes, we've divorced. And I am happy to say that he's accepted my amends and we get along pretty well now.
Please, do what you need to do to live in peace. There is nothing that you can do to change the direction she's going in.
I'm a recovering alkie. I specifically acted in many of the ways that you are mentioning that your wife is acting because:
I was afraid to look like the bad guy so I did everything I could to act like a complete and utter idiot so my exH would leave. Then I could play the victim to anybody who would listen.
I was unhappy and needed a reason for it, so I blamed him.
I was selfish and so he owed it to me to make me happy.
I never voiced any of these things, I preferred to act in a completely different way then how I felt. He was supposed to read my mind.
Yes, we've divorced. And I am happy to say that he's accepted my amends and we get along pretty well now.
Please, do what you need to do to live in peace. There is nothing that you can do to change the direction she's going in.
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