Sibling Wanting Help
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Sibling Wanting Help
I usually post over on the substance abuse board. My husband is a recovering meth addict (clean for almost a year now.) But, I'm here in this area to talk about my younger brother. In high school, he never drank and used to tell his friends who did, "I don't need that, it makes people stupid." He was straight as an arrow.
Now, he can't go a day without drinking. On the 4th of July, he got drunk and decided to try acid for the first time (to watch fireworks.) He got on his bike to ride home and crashed, shattering his collar bone.
He called my parents to tell them and said it was a wake-up call. He has known he drinks too much for a long time. He mentioned going to AA. He seems very serious about this.
The problem is, he's surrounded by people who drink: friends, family, etc. His father (my step-father) is one of those people who has to have a drink every night. Whenever there is company, he breaks out the margaritas. My older brother drinks as much as my younger one and is also in need of help. But, he's implemented alcohol into his life--very ritualistic (i.e. every Friday night with friends, every night before doing X, Y or Z.)
How can someone possibly get into rehab or recover if they are surrounded by alcohol, if people are shoving drinks in their faces and saying, "cmon, have just one?"
My parents are starting to see the problem, but they tend to sweep things under the rug. Last year, when he was telling them, "I think I have a problem," THEY were saying, "no, no you don't. You're just fine."
I'm tired of people blowing this off.
I'm tired of people around him trying to get him to drink all the time.
He's thought about moving into an apartment of his own (all his roomies are hard-core partiers.)
He is thinking about AA meetings, but "thinking about it" and actually doing it are different things.
I want to offer support. I want to be there. He is a good kid who is 23 with his whole life ahead of him.
Thank you for listening/reading.
Now, he can't go a day without drinking. On the 4th of July, he got drunk and decided to try acid for the first time (to watch fireworks.) He got on his bike to ride home and crashed, shattering his collar bone.
He called my parents to tell them and said it was a wake-up call. He has known he drinks too much for a long time. He mentioned going to AA. He seems very serious about this.
The problem is, he's surrounded by people who drink: friends, family, etc. His father (my step-father) is one of those people who has to have a drink every night. Whenever there is company, he breaks out the margaritas. My older brother drinks as much as my younger one and is also in need of help. But, he's implemented alcohol into his life--very ritualistic (i.e. every Friday night with friends, every night before doing X, Y or Z.)
How can someone possibly get into rehab or recover if they are surrounded by alcohol, if people are shoving drinks in their faces and saying, "cmon, have just one?"
My parents are starting to see the problem, but they tend to sweep things under the rug. Last year, when he was telling them, "I think I have a problem," THEY were saying, "no, no you don't. You're just fine."
I'm tired of people blowing this off.
I'm tired of people around him trying to get him to drink all the time.
He's thought about moving into an apartment of his own (all his roomies are hard-core partiers.)
He is thinking about AA meetings, but "thinking about it" and actually doing it are different things.
I want to offer support. I want to be there. He is a good kid who is 23 with his whole life ahead of him.
Thank you for listening/reading.
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Welcome to this forum, please come back anytime! 
Sorry that you are going through this....
It can be mentally draining on us as siblings (I have a couple of A brothers but one that is in a really bad spot today) The feeling of wanting to help them is a natural feeling however not logical for us to help them.
If they want to put action along with the "thinking about it" then that is only something
they can do. We cannot save them as we wish we could-it is instinct to want to be there for those we love that are in trouble. Focusing on what we think or feel is best for them is not healthy for us. It will only create chaos and drama for our own lives when we are let down when they do not follow through. We cannot control them or force them or anyone to do something they do not want to do.
Try to focus on yourself as "cliche" as that may sound...if he wants this badly enough
then he will follow through with going and doing. Not much else that can be done IMHO...
Sorry that you are going through this....
It can be mentally draining on us as siblings (I have a couple of A brothers but one that is in a really bad spot today) The feeling of wanting to help them is a natural feeling however not logical for us to help them.
If they want to put action along with the "thinking about it" then that is only something
they can do. We cannot save them as we wish we could-it is instinct to want to be there for those we love that are in trouble. Focusing on what we think or feel is best for them is not healthy for us. It will only create chaos and drama for our own lives when we are let down when they do not follow through. We cannot control them or force them or anyone to do something they do not want to do.
Try to focus on yourself as "cliche" as that may sound...if he wants this badly enough
then he will follow through with going and doing. Not much else that can be done IMHO...
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Location: Boston
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heya Zombiewife-
In the first few years of my dad's sobriety I can remember watching, incredulous, as his old friends and family would literally try to put a drink in his hand. It used to scare the living sh**t outta me!!! But my father was in recovery, he was in AA, he was serious about it and he was able to refuse, repeatedly, sometimes he'd have to get a little ticked off and tell them to lay off!!! He'd get a coffee or a coke in his hand and handle it.
When the alcoholic or addict is serious about recovery they will do whatever it takes to stay sober.
I don't drink, nor do I have alcohol in my house when my brothers come around. It is heartbreaking for me to be around them when they drink, so I don't see them much, since they drink all the time (except at MY house!!! -hmmmmm they don't like to come over here very often, wonder why!!!??). They are surrounded by other alcoholic friends. But so was my Dad, and he finally chose sobriety, so I try to have hope, but no expectations.
When my brothers are vulnerable and miserable and sick and tired and come to me saying they want to stop, I always encourage them, and offer help towards recovery, but until they get serious about wanting it they will continue, sadly, to go back to the bottle...
Peace,
B.
In the first few years of my dad's sobriety I can remember watching, incredulous, as his old friends and family would literally try to put a drink in his hand. It used to scare the living sh**t outta me!!! But my father was in recovery, he was in AA, he was serious about it and he was able to refuse, repeatedly, sometimes he'd have to get a little ticked off and tell them to lay off!!! He'd get a coffee or a coke in his hand and handle it.
When the alcoholic or addict is serious about recovery they will do whatever it takes to stay sober.
I don't drink, nor do I have alcohol in my house when my brothers come around. It is heartbreaking for me to be around them when they drink, so I don't see them much, since they drink all the time (except at MY house!!! -hmmmmm they don't like to come over here very often, wonder why!!!??). They are surrounded by other alcoholic friends. But so was my Dad, and he finally chose sobriety, so I try to have hope, but no expectations.
When my brothers are vulnerable and miserable and sick and tired and come to me saying they want to stop, I always encourage them, and offer help towards recovery, but until they get serious about wanting it they will continue, sadly, to go back to the bottle...
Peace,
B.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I think your brother, if he is serious, will absolutely have to make some lifestyle changes, including not living in a party house. He may also have to keep himself away from places where alcohol is consumed freely by family. AA will be a great guide with powerful yet simple suggestions. I hope you can support him in this "revelation" period and I pray he doesn't lose that motivation in a few days and drink again. Prayers, ZW.
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It's good to hear that he wants help and is willing to go to AA!!! That is a big step for him.
AA will give him a place to meet people who are also trying to stay sober. He can make new friends there. He will also learn the "tools" that others have used to deal with the situations you described. Ultimately, it is up to HIM if he really wants to quit. But having the support of AA, a sponsor, and learning how to use his "tool box", he can do it even if others around him are actively drinking.
gentle hugs
AA will give him a place to meet people who are also trying to stay sober. He can make new friends there. He will also learn the "tools" that others have used to deal with the situations you described. Ultimately, it is up to HIM if he really wants to quit. But having the support of AA, a sponsor, and learning how to use his "tool box", he can do it even if others around him are actively drinking.
gentle hugs
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In the first few years of my dad's sobriety I can remember watching, incredulous, as his old friends and family would literally try to put a drink in his hand.
They make a big deal about how delicious a particular fattening dish is and how it wouldn't hurt me to just take one bite. When I say no thanks, they try even harder: "come on, what harm will one bite do?" Well, one bite for me is like the first drink for an alcoholic. It leads to relapse as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow.
Perhaps the reason folks do this to struggling addicts of any kind is it gives them a false sense of power or superiority. Regardless of why folks do it, these days I don't refer to them as friends. Friends don't try to undermine my efforts to get my life back on track. With friends like that, who needs enemies?
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Hello all. Thank you guys so much for your replies. I totally get the "take care of me" and that I can't fix him. Living with a recovering substance abuser has really taught me some lessons. I personally think he needs to at least get away from the party house, but nobody can make him.
A small update: He has to have surgery next Monday. They have to reset his collar bone and insert a bunch of pins as well as clean out some fragments that have been scattered throughout. He's really in a bad spot right now. This means he has to stay on percocet for a week which I am really really not happy about as that stuff is bad news, imho.
Anyhow, thanks for all the support and encouragement! you guys rock.
A small update: He has to have surgery next Monday. They have to reset his collar bone and insert a bunch of pins as well as clean out some fragments that have been scattered throughout. He's really in a bad spot right now. This means he has to stay on percocet for a week which I am really really not happy about as that stuff is bad news, imho.
Anyhow, thanks for all the support and encouragement! you guys rock.
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