mom of an addict
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 18
mom of an addict
I need help my son is a 26 year old heroin addict. The same story as everyone I hear stole all my jewlery, lied and did it all. Has been in and out of 4 rehabs and keeps on relapsing, this time he has been out on the streets for about 6 weeks. He has been living in a park and no one has seen him in the last 7 days. im worried sick but I dont want to enable him. What do I do? Is it true that he has to hit his own bottom?
I go to Naranon meetings and they help but I cant help but worry every second of the day.
I go to Naranon meetings and they help but I cant help but worry every second of the day.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
*daughter hugs*
Welcome to Soberrecovery! I hate that you're having this problem...
I wish I could say something to make you find a way to focus more on yourself. My sister is also a heroin addict (supposedly recovering... I'm not exactly sure what's going on). My mom is just as obsessed with her as you are with your son. She is my sister's biggest enabler. I'm so glad that you know not to enable him, as hard as it is.
You asked a very important question: Is it true that he has to hit his own bottom? The answer is absolutely. Until the pain his addiction causes is worse than the idea of no longer having the heroin, he will not truly want to stop badly enough to make it happen.
Do you have other kids? If so, why not try spending time with them, having fun? Maybe go to a movie, or out to dinner... anything where you can focus on something other than the addict for a little while. Or if you have no other kids, maybe you could call up a friend and spend time with them?
No matter what you end up doing, please keep coming here. There are lots of great people here who will surely follow this message, and we all help to build each other up; the more the merrier!
Welcome to Soberrecovery! I hate that you're having this problem...
I wish I could say something to make you find a way to focus more on yourself. My sister is also a heroin addict (supposedly recovering... I'm not exactly sure what's going on). My mom is just as obsessed with her as you are with your son. She is my sister's biggest enabler. I'm so glad that you know not to enable him, as hard as it is.
You asked a very important question: Is it true that he has to hit his own bottom? The answer is absolutely. Until the pain his addiction causes is worse than the idea of no longer having the heroin, he will not truly want to stop badly enough to make it happen.
Do you have other kids? If so, why not try spending time with them, having fun? Maybe go to a movie, or out to dinner... anything where you can focus on something other than the addict for a little while. Or if you have no other kids, maybe you could call up a friend and spend time with them?
No matter what you end up doing, please keep coming here. There are lots of great people here who will surely follow this message, and we all help to build each other up; the more the merrier!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome, Maggie. I'm sorry about your son and can relate to your pain because my son is on the same path. He too lives on the street and has been missing for 4 years and I know that's not good news because if he was clean he would have contacted us.
My program helped me regain my sanity, the support here helps me stay balanced, and saying a prayer every morning and giving my son to God helps me let go of the fear and find beauty in every day. Today I love my way as God intended, joyous and free and I am grateful for all those here who have walked with me on my journey.
Stick with your meetings and walk with us here and before you know it you will be able to get a night's sleep and breathe again and find your balance too.
Glad you found us and hope we can offer some comfort and hope.
Hugs
My program helped me regain my sanity, the support here helps me stay balanced, and saying a prayer every morning and giving my son to God helps me let go of the fear and find beauty in every day. Today I love my way as God intended, joyous and free and I am grateful for all those here who have walked with me on my journey.
Stick with your meetings and walk with us here and before you know it you will be able to get a night's sleep and breathe again and find your balance too.
Glad you found us and hope we can offer some comfort and hope.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
No easy fixes for us moms, I think. When they are in our midst, stealing, lying, manipulating, its infuriating. When they are missing its worse. I think the process of loss/ grief/ letting go/ living / just takes as long as it takes. Prayer and trusting my higher power helps a lot (though not a quick fix either- I have to do it over and over). so does distraction of any sort. Reading a really good, gripping novel, a fav. TV show, stuff like that has helped me when I was obsessed and worried sick.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Maggie)))
Welcome to SR, but sorry for what you are going through.
I am a recovering addict (crack) and can say that I, absolutely, would not have stopped if the consequences of my using hadn't gotten so bad that it wasn't worth it any more. For some of us "bottom" is jail, other's have different bottoms.
I THOUGHT I'd hit my bottom when I was locked up for almost 6 months. 2 years later, I relapsed (I had been clean, but never worked at recovery). My bottom that time? I was totally disgusted with myself, even though my relapse was only 8 days...it was more than enough time to do some serious damage. I felt horrible for what I put my family through, and I detested the way crack took control over me.
We addicts all have our bottoms, but we will only find them when we are forced to deal with our consequences. That's why it causes more damage for anyone to enable us....it just prolongs our addiction.
I can only imagine how hard it is not to know where he is, but keep reading and posting here. Many others have been through it or are still going through it. Try to put your focus back on you. It doesn't mean you don't love him. Having MY family go on with their lives (though I know they worried about me) gave me a good role model. It also made me accept responsibility for my addiction.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Welcome to SR, but sorry for what you are going through.
I am a recovering addict (crack) and can say that I, absolutely, would not have stopped if the consequences of my using hadn't gotten so bad that it wasn't worth it any more. For some of us "bottom" is jail, other's have different bottoms.
I THOUGHT I'd hit my bottom when I was locked up for almost 6 months. 2 years later, I relapsed (I had been clean, but never worked at recovery). My bottom that time? I was totally disgusted with myself, even though my relapse was only 8 days...it was more than enough time to do some serious damage. I felt horrible for what I put my family through, and I detested the way crack took control over me.
We addicts all have our bottoms, but we will only find them when we are forced to deal with our consequences. That's why it causes more damage for anyone to enable us....it just prolongs our addiction.
I can only imagine how hard it is not to know where he is, but keep reading and posting here. Many others have been through it or are still going through it. Try to put your focus back on you. It doesn't mean you don't love him. Having MY family go on with their lives (though I know they worried about me) gave me a good role model. It also made me accept responsibility for my addiction.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
I'm sorry you have to go through this. My son's bottom was his realization of no life in the future. He was in and out of rehab, he also went into the army to try and escape, which of course didn't work. If there is no proram to follow I believe there is no hope for recovery. When your son realizes he has to work a program then he will seek out recovery. I will pray for you and your son for his epiphany.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
Welcome from another mom,
My son also used herion. I made him leave, he now lives with his dad. I miss my son everyday and say a prayer for him. I attend meetings so keep going they really help. Keep posting and reading here, you will find so much support and love here.
What helped me was turning everything over to my HP, it takes time to find your own peace.
Sending you hugs and prayers,
My son also used herion. I made him leave, he now lives with his dad. I miss my son everyday and say a prayer for him. I attend meetings so keep going they really help. Keep posting and reading here, you will find so much support and love here.
What helped me was turning everything over to my HP, it takes time to find your own peace.
Sending you hugs and prayers,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Welcome Maggie, So painful to have an addict family member. Many days and nights spent worrying about them. Keep going to your meetings, and coming to SR. There are many wonderful supportive people here. It is true they have to hit bottom. Until they are sick of being sick the vicious cycle will continue. Prayers to you and your son.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I spent so many nights, days, weeks in that horrible worry - so much so, that it effected my heart and health.
What I know today, is -
God really is in charge (and someone suggested I pray for evidence, and it soon became apparent)
My kid was FAR more adept at staying alive and well - more so than she EVER let on (because if I felt sorry for her, I was easier to get money and food from).
Our addicts can find drugs in the worst places through the most tangled, convoluted methods - they really are smart, wiley, sly and crafty. Those traits are survival traits - trust them.
When I suffered from the endless worry, this is what I've done-
Take the phone off the hook - that way I can't receive the "terrible" phone call. I can't do anything about the situation anyway, even if my daughter dies, so I may as well get a good night's sleep. With the phone off the hook, I slept FAR more deeply.
Go to meetings every day, if necessary. If you can't find that many Naranon, try Alanon - because without their drug of choice, many addicts ALSO cannot drink alcohol and most Alanon meetings anymore are filled with relatives of addicts who are also alcoholic.
Get a phone list - practice calling folks on the list. I used to make "practice" phone calls and told my list persons that I would do that so that in case I ever "really" needed them, I would be able to pick up that 500 pound phone.
See if there are any Tradition or Step studies in your area and join those - they have a different focus from regular meetings and can add depth to your recovery.
Get a sponsor if you don't already have one - I used to announce at meetings that I was looking for one and anyone interested could talk to me after the meetings - and that gave me an excuse to attend lots of extra meetings, too.
Go to open AA and open NA meetings - especially the speaker meetings. I get lots of hope from those meetings - where I can see with my own eyes the success of the program and hear with my own ears an addict saying "thank you" to the mom, the wife, the friend, the boss who finally told me "no" and meant it.
These are the things that helped me... and my kid is still going strong, in and out of recovery.
Sending prayers for your comfort, serenity and wisdom. (((hugs)))
What I know today, is -
God really is in charge (and someone suggested I pray for evidence, and it soon became apparent)
My kid was FAR more adept at staying alive and well - more so than she EVER let on (because if I felt sorry for her, I was easier to get money and food from).
Our addicts can find drugs in the worst places through the most tangled, convoluted methods - they really are smart, wiley, sly and crafty. Those traits are survival traits - trust them.
When I suffered from the endless worry, this is what I've done-
Take the phone off the hook - that way I can't receive the "terrible" phone call. I can't do anything about the situation anyway, even if my daughter dies, so I may as well get a good night's sleep. With the phone off the hook, I slept FAR more deeply.
Go to meetings every day, if necessary. If you can't find that many Naranon, try Alanon - because without their drug of choice, many addicts ALSO cannot drink alcohol and most Alanon meetings anymore are filled with relatives of addicts who are also alcoholic.
Get a phone list - practice calling folks on the list. I used to make "practice" phone calls and told my list persons that I would do that so that in case I ever "really" needed them, I would be able to pick up that 500 pound phone.
See if there are any Tradition or Step studies in your area and join those - they have a different focus from regular meetings and can add depth to your recovery.
Get a sponsor if you don't already have one - I used to announce at meetings that I was looking for one and anyone interested could talk to me after the meetings - and that gave me an excuse to attend lots of extra meetings, too.
Go to open AA and open NA meetings - especially the speaker meetings. I get lots of hope from those meetings - where I can see with my own eyes the success of the program and hear with my own ears an addict saying "thank you" to the mom, the wife, the friend, the boss who finally told me "no" and meant it.
These are the things that helped me... and my kid is still going strong, in and out of recovery.
Sending prayers for your comfort, serenity and wisdom. (((hugs)))
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
maggie6,
Welcome to Sober Recovery. Sorry that you have a reason to be here.
I am the mother of a 34 year old addicted son, he has been in rehab, prison, on the streets, in a homeless shelter, you name it, we've been there.
Right now my son is awaiting a trial, that may return him to prison for selling drugs.
I attend Alanon meetings religiously because they help me maintain my sanity. As for my son, no one can help him but his H.P. and I just have to have faith.
Hugs, and hope...
Welcome to Sober Recovery. Sorry that you have a reason to be here.
I am the mother of a 34 year old addicted son, he has been in rehab, prison, on the streets, in a homeless shelter, you name it, we've been there.
Right now my son is awaiting a trial, that may return him to prison for selling drugs.
I attend Alanon meetings religiously because they help me maintain my sanity. As for my son, no one can help him but his H.P. and I just have to have faith.
Hugs, and hope...
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, good advice above. i'm also am a ra married to an addict. i agree with purrfect and the others. imo, the most loving thing you can do to help your son is to take care of yourself and continue to pray that god will lead him to where he needs to be. keeping you and your family in my prayers
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 18
Thank you to all who replied to me. i just found out tonite that my son was seen begging for money in penn station. what a horrible way to live. it kills me. he was not raised this way and after 4 years of college this is what his life has turned to. im sorry I just dont understand it. Why do they choose this life. it makes no sense.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Maggie)))
Addiction takes over our lives. We simply cannot think of anything but using and getting more dope. I have 2 college degrees, was an RN with a ton of certifications for 12 years, and I still became an addict. It had nothing to do with how I was raised (by 2 very loving parents, who gave me a ton of discipline and encouragement).
I gave up trying to figure out why I became an addict....I just did. I've been where your son is, and I would probably still be there if I hadn't had to face a lot of consequences.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but please focus on YOU.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Addiction takes over our lives. We simply cannot think of anything but using and getting more dope. I have 2 college degrees, was an RN with a ton of certifications for 12 years, and I still became an addict. It had nothing to do with how I was raised (by 2 very loving parents, who gave me a ton of discipline and encouragement).
I gave up trying to figure out why I became an addict....I just did. I've been where your son is, and I would probably still be there if I hadn't had to face a lot of consequences.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but please focus on YOU.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Welcome Maggie, I am the mom of a recovering heroin addicted daughter who is 22. I had to detach and let her do her thing until she was ready to get better. It took about 2 years after detaching from her. In that time period I sometimes did not know where she and her addict boyfriend were. I went more than 7 months without seeing her. I look back at that time as a time of healing for me. A time for me to work on myself and not have a front row seat to her destruction. I never thought that she would ever get clean since she lived with a man who made a 6 figure income and gave her all the heroin she wanted. But she did get sick of the life and she now has 45 days clean and is living in a halfway house and coming home on weekends. Since she is doing this for herself, she is doing everything that she can to stay clean; meetings, counseling, trying to do the next right thing. Your son can get clean when he is ready. Until then take care of yourself. Hugs, Marle
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