respektingme

Felt kinda good to cry. I haven't cried in so long, like years, that it helped me realized I still have feelings!! Thought I might just be numb.

So, AH didn't drink this weekend. Didn't matter much. Can't tell which is worse, active drinking or dry drunk thinking. It's like living with Archie Bunker when he's dry drunk. Just constant complaining, whining, nit-picking, criticizing, etc. This morning I asked if he could not be so negative today. He said sure.

I got up and made coffee. He got up and I heard, "Awwww mannnn!!!!!!"

I said, "See???? What are you complaining about now?"

He came over to show me his baseball cap. It wasn't even one he wears much. It had cat fur on it, like the cat brushed up against it. I said, "You're complaining because you have cat on your hat???" okay, so I made a funny.

But he just didn't stop. His sarcasm is anything but funny and at everyone else's expense.

So, I went to get ready for church and surprised myself when I started to cry.

It would be so nice if he could get over the dry drunk phase. But he drinks and then sustains for 2-3 weeks as he is "attempting" sobriety, so he is constantly rolling from drunk to dry drunk.

Sorry for the complaining. No, I'm not leaving tomorrow. Just got to me today after hearing it all weekend. My dad was here too and I felt bad because I know my dad didn't like hearing him talk to me that way either. I'm taking the kids to visit him in a few weeks WITHOUT AH, so we can have a do-over.

FormerDoormat

Complaining got me no where. Action got me a whole new life.

respektingme

I call it sharing, and it helps me.

twistedruby

Anything that you realize helps You....is a good thing to do.

Complain or unload all you like here !

FormerDoormat

I could share the same story over and over again for months or years and get nothing but temporary relief, or I could take action and reap a lifetime of happiness. The choice is yours.

respektingme

There are a multitude of considerations. I think of the pros and cons every single day. I am not afraid to leave. I will make the best decision that I can for me and my children. That doesn't mean divorce today. It may very well mean that someday, but not today.

I'm also a stepmother and have belonged to a stepparent board for about 12 years. We share stories, hugs and support. Some have subsequently divorced. Some have not. Regardless, most members give each other support even if they aren't taking action that very second to change their situation.

I'm well aware the we are all responsible for our own destinies. Still doesn't mean that we won't have crappy days that we may share from time to time.

reader

U don't even have to defend your choice to stay. FD was out of line.... This is a place to vent, complain and support one another. We all may or may not use "action" in our own time frame. I use to be very active in this forum but stopped because of just this type of thing. I have been in recovery for a few years and like to share my wisdom in my groups but I do so softly. Remember to live and let live....... I am glad u had a good cry they are oh so cleansing for the soul. Take care of U~~

Barbara52

Excuse me. But it is not your place to say someone else is out of line. We all express our opinions and give support in the way that we feel is real for us.

As the saying goes, take what you need and leave the rest.

FormerDoormat

I didn't say anything about staying or leaving. Sharing what worked for me is not out of line. When I find myself feeling defensive, the problem is internal, not external and usually warrants some self-reflection.

LaTeeDa

I "shared" my troubles with my friends and family for a good seven years, all the while doing nothing to improve my own situation. I used up all the shoulders and ears that were offered to me. When I finally stood up and took action (meaning I set boundaries), my husband started behaving differently. Unfortunately, by that time, there was nothing left of our relationship or marriage. I often wonder if I had done something sooner rather than play the martyr if my marriage could have been saved.........no way to know.

Taking action does not have to mean leaving, separating, divorce. It can mean any number of things. As we often say about the alcoholic, actions speak louder than words. The same is true of us. I took many actions before the ultimate act of leaving. I stopped including him in my activities. I started taking vacations by myself with my kids. I stopped allowing him to drive my vehicle. I stopped making plans that would put me in a embarrassing situation should he decide to get wasted. I got my own bank account, that he had no access to, and had my paycheck direct deposited into it.

It baffles me to no end when someone on this board suggests taking action and everyone accuses them of saying "leave." Leaving is but one option available out of an infinite number of actions. I see a lot of black-and-white thinking. Either I leave and get a divorce, or I whine and complain about my situation. There are other choices, you know.

L

respektingme

oh, well in that case, I have taken several steps and I can still whine... a little.

Our liquid assets are split down the middle. That happened when he got paranoid and made a run to the bank to get 1/2 out. He felt bad later and asked that we agree to blend our money again after I pulled the rest out and parked it in a different bank. I refused, loved the protection of not feeling financially helpless should something happened, and so our funds remained split. Works wonderfully.

I've made a series of decisions to limit the effects of his alcoholism. Won't go into all the details, but I do already go on vacations with my girlfriends. Flown with friends several times over the past few years. I finished my bachelor's degree 2 years ago, specifically so I'd be more employable when/if the day comes when I am supporting our children alone.

Anyway, guess I posted to see what others had to say about dry drinking or stinking thinking.

So hmmmm, my decision today. We came home from church and I could tell something is bothering him. I can still tell something is bothering him. I don't know what it is, but I decided I'm not going to ask. It's his problem. He was rude this weekend. If he's stewing on some pent up resentments so he can drink tonight, I realize letting him vent on me isn't going to do anything. So, I'm busy doing some computer work for some relatives.

Thanks everyone.

i4getsm

I understand the dry drunk thing. My STBXAH was "sober" for about 6 months (although now I'm learning he was drinking behind my back off and on throughout those six months). When XAH wasn't drinking he was depressed and a crabby patty. I took vacations without him with my kids too, but it didn't stop it from ticking me off royally when he would go through these spells of being a "dry drunk". Vent here all you want. Most of us (if not all) understand what you're going through and why you need to come here and get it out so that you don't explode to your AH. That's kind of the point of this board. Of course our A's act ridiculous...hello.

I think you did good by ignoring him. When he says "awww man", that's an open invitation for someone to ask him "what's wrong?" You really don't have to get pulled into the drama. It takes an incredibly strong will but you can turn him off. Maybe you could place another boundary that if he talks to you with disrespect or sarcasm that you will leave the room?

(((HUGS))) As for the crying, I think it's good to cry and release those emotions. Just like venting, it's your body's way to let go of the stress and sadness you feel. It's good to own that!

LaTeeDa

Good for you for taking action to protect yourself financially. And way to go on having fun in your life without him. Also, excellent decision not to get sucked into his "poor me" drama. My H "quit" several times, too. The longest was for four months. It was the most miserable four months of our marriage. He quit because I threatened to leave him, and he resented me for it the whole time. It's very difficult to live with someone like that.

I also forgot to mention the most important action I took prior to leaving. I started seeing a therapist who specializes in addiction and codependence. It was by far the best thing I have ever done for myself.

L

rivka

Hello Respektingme,
I am a card carrying, insecure, somewhat depressed Codie. I came here to SR to seek support and swirl in my situation by whining and rehashing my issues in several threads seeking as much input as I could get, (while I learn better behaviors that help ME) apologizing here and there for what I consider a less "dire situation" than some of these other folks who have had children or spouses abandon the family with sparse hope for quick recovery. I empathize with them, but am still grateful that many see value in my circumstances, as they do yours...because OUR issues are the world to us, paralyzing as they are. I kid a little bit because, where else in cyberspace can you get more empathy and selflessness than with a group of co-dependents? Seriously, we are a community sharing unfortunate ties, but are amazingly more patient with each other than with the tedious task of "healing ourselves".
Vent away.
I know I will be here to listen after the 5th iteration, and still give ya that hug.

One forum member named "Lightworker" wrote a post recently about we who are watching our SO deal with their addiction but we who are their caretakers, spouses, friends are "emotionally drunk in need of emotional sobriety"
Still feeling pain, anxiety, etc. but not letting the emotions rule you....she goes on to say that .its subscribing to progress, not perfection.
It was a fantastic analogy and might help you to see how your (and our) behavior patterns align with your husbands.
God Bless.
Rivka
: )

FormerDoormat

MallowCup said it best: "Every vent requires a solution."

Barbara52

SOunds like you are doing just what you need to to protect yourself respektingme. Great way to take action!

I never had to deal with xAH as a dry drunk since he didn't stop at all when I lived with him (his response to requests to stop drinking was it wasn't gonna hapeen anytime soon). He did stop for a couple of months after I left but I had little to no contact with him during that time. He went right back to daily drunkenness after that and remains there.

CatsPajamas

My A was a pretty nasty dry drunk. He was emotional, manipulative and not much fun to be around. I remember when my parents came to visit, and how uncomfortable they were with the way he spoke to me and the kids. He was a perfect host to THEM, just his normal self to us and they saw it. At times I found myself making a lot of excuses for his behavior... later I was able to see it thru their eyes and saw that he was just plain ugly to us when he wasn't in a good place himself.

I heard it said in meetings and in reading that if one person in the relationship makes even one small change, the entire family unit can feel the effects. It sounds to me like you're doing a good job of setting boundaries, taking care of yourself, detaching from the A in your life. Vacations with your girlfriends? THOSE are the best kind!

When I first started going to meetings I was surprised by the number of women who were still married to their A's -both active and in recovery. I was also surprised by how they never once told me to leave OR to stay in my marriage... only to have a plan if I thought the children or I were in danger. They taught me that I could have a full and rich live, regardless of whether or not the A was still drinking or using. AND they taught me I didn't have to accept unacceptable behavior.

I loved your line about even with a lot of recovery we can still have a crappy day. It's good that we have a place to come and share about our feelings... and better when others can share their own experience strength and hope with you!

juju

I'm sorry you had a crappy day. It's hard to live with such negativity. I wasn't sure if I was reading about your a or mine!!! So, all I'm saying is I feel your pain.

Hoping today is better for you!

(((hugs)))

juju

Kindeyes

An old Joni Mitchell song says "laughing and crying....it's the same release". Some days it just feels good to sit down and have a good cry. It's ok to get it out and move on.

And some days we just need to get what's bugging us off our backs to lessen the load.

I am currently trying to deal with only the behavior aspect with my RA/A son. (I say RA/A because I have no idea if he's in recovery at this time or not.......I don't ask.) I am only dealing with my boundaries and what I need to do if he crosses them....whether he's drinking or not. Bad behavior is bad behavior. For me, one of the best things I finally figured out is that I didn't need to respond or comment to everything that my son says. Sometimes a simple....hmmmm.....or "whatever" ......or "ok, it's your choice" comes out of my mouth as a part of acknowledging that I heard him but I don't want to engage.

Take what works for you here and leave the rest. And the above goes for all of us here. We don't always have to respond when we disagree with someone's thoughts or input. Sometimes it's ok to not engage.

gentle hugs

i4getsm

That is really cool Kindeyes. I'm going to try doing that more often. It's like learning to say NO without attaching an excuse to justify my NO.

Who knew - I can acknowledge without engaging. WOW! I have a hard time with that, so thank you for the ideas!