Hi I'm new
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Illinois
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Hi I'm new
Hi all, I don't really know where to start, but I searched for a site & stumbled upon you guys. I am in desparate need for support & help in dealing with my alcoholic husband. His alcoholism is really taking a toll on our marriage and I/we need help & support, I thought I'd try & start here. I don't know the lingo & all around here yet, but I'm assuming from the posts I've read that AH stands for alcoholic husband, is that correct?
Anyways I don't know where to start, but here is my story, sorry if I rattle on, I have a tendency to do so.
AH and I met at a bar a couple years ago while I was out with friends, he was drunk so I gave him a ride home. We exchanged phone numbers & e-mail addresses, began talking and chatting online. A couple months after we initially met we spent New Years Eve together, and partied, we both got drunk, etc... We started regularly dating a couple months later, seeing eachother once a month, every 2 weeks, once a week, a couple times a week, gradually getting closer & closer. During this time I maybe only saw him drunk a couple times, but I'd occasionally see beer cans or liquor bottles at his apartment, other times I am assuming he had cleaned them up before I came over. We married & moved in together last August, and before we were married never once really discussed alcoholism, I never saw his drinking as a major problem, I knew he had 2 DUIs in the past (6 years ago), but he did not drive still despite being able to get his license back, he seemed to be on the straight & narrow path with the occasional social drinking & rarely buying like a 12 pk or something, but hardly ever drunk. About a month after we were married he spent a night in jail after in a drunken fight he punched a friend of his that had called me a "fat bitch" (they were both drunk) not that any of this excuses his actions, but no charges were filed. Up until a couple months ago our marriage has been smooth & most of our problems have been on my end. I have been going through a very emotional custody battle with my ex husband who ran off with my children. I have been trying to get them back. It has been very depressing for me & I was without my children for nearly 10 months. My AH was my rock through this all, without him I wouldn't have been able to cope with all of my own problems.
The problems with my AH though started when many things began to happen and we both becam stressed. Our apartment flooded 4 times since March, this last time (last month) being the worst & forcing us to move. I started having medical problems and missed a lot of work because of it. Eventually I ended up having to take a lower paying job to accomidate my medical needs. So AH has been left pulling most of the weight around the house. He's paid for most of mu children's needs since I now have joint custody of them with their father, etc... The problems just began to mount and he started drinking heavily. Several times a week he'd get drunk or does get drunk still. We've talked about it several times, tried to compromise, etc... It usually comes down to him admitting he's an alcoholic, that he feels he can't change that and that I should just deal with it, I usually give in, and try & try again to "just deal with it", but its causing me a ton of anxiety & stress over him every day. I worry about him, many times to the point I break down and cry at work, I just can't handle it anymore. He makes me feel guilty because he has done and is doing so much for me, but I know this is just enabling him. Then he'll say that it makes him feel guilty when I give him "the stink eye" when he's drinking. We said for better or worse and I am and want to be with him until the end, I love him so much, but I have been pushed to the point that my anxiety & depression has had me as far as thinking suicidal thoughts and I've drank to the point of drunkeness a few times myself when because of my medical problems I rarely if ever drank before.
I'd also like to mention that eventhough he & I have been together for almost 2 years and married for a year, my family still doesn't know about his alcoholism. I feel that they would want me to get out of the relationship right away if they did know so I have never told them. My mother's side of the family has a history of alcoholism, my mother became sober quickly after losing custody of me 14 years ago, my grandfather is now sober, but we lost my uncle in a drunk driving accident last year. This is so hard & I know I've rattled on & probably even forgot some details, but I really need some friends that are going through the same thing and can help. It will all be appreciated.
Ok I did want to add that AH has never physically abused me, however when he is drunk he sometimes makes fun of me or calls me names which hurts terribly as I delt with this with my ex husband. However when AH is sober he is all the man I could ever have dreamed of and hoped for, he is so loving and shows it, he treats me like a princess and has accepted my children as his own.
Anyways I don't know where to start, but here is my story, sorry if I rattle on, I have a tendency to do so.
AH and I met at a bar a couple years ago while I was out with friends, he was drunk so I gave him a ride home. We exchanged phone numbers & e-mail addresses, began talking and chatting online. A couple months after we initially met we spent New Years Eve together, and partied, we both got drunk, etc... We started regularly dating a couple months later, seeing eachother once a month, every 2 weeks, once a week, a couple times a week, gradually getting closer & closer. During this time I maybe only saw him drunk a couple times, but I'd occasionally see beer cans or liquor bottles at his apartment, other times I am assuming he had cleaned them up before I came over. We married & moved in together last August, and before we were married never once really discussed alcoholism, I never saw his drinking as a major problem, I knew he had 2 DUIs in the past (6 years ago), but he did not drive still despite being able to get his license back, he seemed to be on the straight & narrow path with the occasional social drinking & rarely buying like a 12 pk or something, but hardly ever drunk. About a month after we were married he spent a night in jail after in a drunken fight he punched a friend of his that had called me a "fat bitch" (they were both drunk) not that any of this excuses his actions, but no charges were filed. Up until a couple months ago our marriage has been smooth & most of our problems have been on my end. I have been going through a very emotional custody battle with my ex husband who ran off with my children. I have been trying to get them back. It has been very depressing for me & I was without my children for nearly 10 months. My AH was my rock through this all, without him I wouldn't have been able to cope with all of my own problems.
The problems with my AH though started when many things began to happen and we both becam stressed. Our apartment flooded 4 times since March, this last time (last month) being the worst & forcing us to move. I started having medical problems and missed a lot of work because of it. Eventually I ended up having to take a lower paying job to accomidate my medical needs. So AH has been left pulling most of the weight around the house. He's paid for most of mu children's needs since I now have joint custody of them with their father, etc... The problems just began to mount and he started drinking heavily. Several times a week he'd get drunk or does get drunk still. We've talked about it several times, tried to compromise, etc... It usually comes down to him admitting he's an alcoholic, that he feels he can't change that and that I should just deal with it, I usually give in, and try & try again to "just deal with it", but its causing me a ton of anxiety & stress over him every day. I worry about him, many times to the point I break down and cry at work, I just can't handle it anymore. He makes me feel guilty because he has done and is doing so much for me, but I know this is just enabling him. Then he'll say that it makes him feel guilty when I give him "the stink eye" when he's drinking. We said for better or worse and I am and want to be with him until the end, I love him so much, but I have been pushed to the point that my anxiety & depression has had me as far as thinking suicidal thoughts and I've drank to the point of drunkeness a few times myself when because of my medical problems I rarely if ever drank before.
I'd also like to mention that eventhough he & I have been together for almost 2 years and married for a year, my family still doesn't know about his alcoholism. I feel that they would want me to get out of the relationship right away if they did know so I have never told them. My mother's side of the family has a history of alcoholism, my mother became sober quickly after losing custody of me 14 years ago, my grandfather is now sober, but we lost my uncle in a drunk driving accident last year. This is so hard & I know I've rattled on & probably even forgot some details, but I really need some friends that are going through the same thing and can help. It will all be appreciated.
Ok I did want to add that AH has never physically abused me, however when he is drunk he sometimes makes fun of me or calls me names which hurts terribly as I delt with this with my ex husband. However when AH is sober he is all the man I could ever have dreamed of and hoped for, he is so loving and shows it, he treats me like a princess and has accepted my children as his own.
Last edited by llamamama; 07-06-2008 at 02:12 PM. Reason: add
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
What a stressful year you have had. Glad you made it here. I think you probably know the reason your family would tell you to get out is because they have experience with alcholism and know that it is progressive and will get worse. That could have disastrous effects for you, and really your children if your ex figures it out and decides to go back for custody. Or worse, your DH is drunk around your kids, etc.
So, you're family would probably just be trying to protect you. And they would have a good point. Our situations rarely ever stay the same. Most often, they do get worse.
So, you're family would probably just be trying to protect you. And they would have a good point. Our situations rarely ever stay the same. Most often, they do get worse.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 5
Thanks for your input, I think we all have hopes that things will get better, even my husband does, he's said that he hopes he'll grow out of it, etc... but we all know what the reality is and its a day to day struggle I'm realizing. He's been pretty good about not drinking around my children there has actually only been one time that I ended up keeping my children at my mother's house until after 9pm one night to give him time to sober up from a day of drinking. It was hard and he apologized, he always says he's sorry, but it gets harder & harder to accept.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome to SR. You have found a great place!!!!! Lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) here.
You said:
Please check out this thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html
Even though I understand why you don't want to tell your family, it would be better for you and your children if you did.
There are 3 C's that most of us try and live by:
I didn't CAUSE it,
I can't CONTROL it, and
I can't CURE it.
You have children, Your's and their welfare HAS TO COME FIRST. You AH has to WANT sobriety and until he does his alcoholism is only going to get WORSE. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and as it progresses it gets WORSE. Verbal abuse will become physical abuse.
Please try and find some Alanon meetings to get some face to face (f2f) support. Continue to post here, and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
You said:
Ok I did want to add that AH has never physically abused me, however when he is drunk he sometimes makes fun of me or calls me names which hurts terribly as I delt with this with my ex husband. However when AH is sober he is all the man I could ever have dreamed of and hoped for, he is so loving and shows it, he treats me like a princess and has accepted my children as his own.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html
Even though I understand why you don't want to tell your family, it would be better for you and your children if you did.
There are 3 C's that most of us try and live by:
I didn't CAUSE it,
I can't CONTROL it, and
I can't CURE it.
You have children, Your's and their welfare HAS TO COME FIRST. You AH has to WANT sobriety and until he does his alcoholism is only going to get WORSE. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and as it progresses it gets WORSE. Verbal abuse will become physical abuse.
Please try and find some Alanon meetings to get some face to face (f2f) support. Continue to post here, and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by llamamama 
Thanks for your input, I think we all have hopes that things will get better, even my husband does, he's said that he hopes he'll grow out of it, etc... but we all know what the reality is and its a day to day struggle I'm realizing. He's been pretty good about not drinking around my children there has actually only been one time that I ended up keeping my children at my mother's house until after 9pm one night to give him time to sober up from a day of drinking. It was hard and he apologized, he always says he's sorry, but it gets harder & harder to accept.
You can change yourself and the ways you deal with his alcholism and your own issues. Try reading Codependent No More. Try attending AlAnon. Try individual therapy. You can gain the tools you need to give yourself and your children a better life, with or without your AH.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Originally Posted by laurie6781
You AH has to WANT sobriety and until he does his alcoholism is only going to get WORSE.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by respektingme
Man, that's the truth. My AH goes to AA every single day. He calls his sponsor every morning and reads his daily devotional with him. He goes through all the motions and continues to drink. Why? Because he does not want to stop. He may say he does, but he keeps drinking. He simply doesn't want sobriety. I think he even has himself fooled.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Illinois
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Ok, I'm not trying to make excuses for my AH & I am new here & new to really understanding alcoholism, but my AH has admitted he is an alcoholic, he is not in denial, he has said he wants to quit drinking, but doesn't think he can so he therefore does not try, its been hell just trying to get him to drink less & less often, he went to AA several years ago & was still going when we first met, we both agreed that it did not help him, but I am thinking it might have just been the group he was going to. The AA group he went to was next door to a bar, several of the people in the group would go to the bar after the meeting, and there were very few that I think were committed to becoming sober. Do you think trying to get him to go to AA again would be worth the shot? Maybe at a different place? I'm trying to get some time off work to go to an AlAnon meeting myself, it sounds like it really helps.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Your AH knows he is an alcoholic yet choses not to do anything about it. You cannot change him. He will act to save himself when and if he wants to do so. Until then, neither you nor anyone else can do much at all.
By saying "I can't" he is really saying he doesn't want to. Cutting down is a temporary improvement at best.
By saying "I can't" he is really saying he doesn't want to. Cutting down is a temporary improvement at best.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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AA does not "get people sober." People get themselves sober and AA is a support group that helps them. It's rather convenient to blame a particular AA group for "not helping." I believe anyone who truly wants to get sober can, with or without AA, and certainly regardless of a particular meeting group. In fact, there are many groups and different kinds of treatment out there, but none of them will do a lick of good if the alcoholic isn't committed to getting sober.
Just my two cents,
L
Just my two cents,
L
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: southern cal
Posts: 84
Hi "hi I'm new",
First.....welcome to SR. (((Hug!!))) This is a great place. I've been here about 2 weeks and am so glad to have found support and lots of shoulders to lean on.
Codies (co-dependents) like us are the most tolerant, empathetic people on the planet....but are always putting ourselves last. Guess what? We are in need of "emotional sobriety" living our own drunk type of behavior alongside our SO. (Significant other).
Previous posts gave great advice for readings and meetings.
Don't promise yourself to do it all....you may do none.
Try one. Go find ONE meeting. Get one book and read one chapter. They say
"One Day At a Time" for a reason.....and tool around these forums and read the "sticky" notes at the top of the page....great references.
Blessings,
Rivka
First.....welcome to SR. (((Hug!!))) This is a great place. I've been here about 2 weeks and am so glad to have found support and lots of shoulders to lean on.
Codies (co-dependents) like us are the most tolerant, empathetic people on the planet....but are always putting ourselves last. Guess what? We are in need of "emotional sobriety" living our own drunk type of behavior alongside our SO. (Significant other).
Previous posts gave great advice for readings and meetings.
Don't promise yourself to do it all....you may do none.
Try one. Go find ONE meeting. Get one book and read one chapter. They say
"One Day At a Time" for a reason.....and tool around these forums and read the "sticky" notes at the top of the page....great references.
Blessings,
Rivka
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Trying to control drinking is another form of denial. JMHO
In reading your post, I see a lot of myself in it. I have been in a string of relationships with addicts and alcoholics. I blamed all of them to some degree for my own misery. In truth, I ALLOWED them to treat me the way they did. After taking my own inventory I decided to really focus on myself. I am not perfect at recovery. I don't have all the right answers. However, I have learned what is acceptable to me and what I want for my future. I have also learned to set boundaries. Focusing on what you want your life to look like is a great place to start. I am not advocating you leave your husband. I AM advocating that you find out what is best for YOU! He will do what he wants regardless.
Do you want to be verbally abused? I know the answer seems obvious, but when you grow up in the chaos of an alcoholic home sometimes verbal abuse seems normal or "not so bad" as long as they treat you well some of the time.
Keep posting and read the stickies at the top!
In reading your post, I see a lot of myself in it. I have been in a string of relationships with addicts and alcoholics. I blamed all of them to some degree for my own misery. In truth, I ALLOWED them to treat me the way they did. After taking my own inventory I decided to really focus on myself. I am not perfect at recovery. I don't have all the right answers. However, I have learned what is acceptable to me and what I want for my future. I have also learned to set boundaries. Focusing on what you want your life to look like is a great place to start. I am not advocating you leave your husband. I AM advocating that you find out what is best for YOU! He will do what he wants regardless.
Do you want to be verbally abused? I know the answer seems obvious, but when you grow up in the chaos of an alcoholic home sometimes verbal abuse seems normal or "not so bad" as long as they treat you well some of the time.
Keep posting and read the stickies at the top!
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by llamamama
my AH has admitted he is an alcoholic, he is not in denial, he has said he wants to quit drinking, but doesn't think he can so he therefore does not try
Admitting to being an addict, doing nothing about it, and continuing to be active in the addiction is a form of denial.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR. We are all here to give and get support because we love an alcoholic (son, father, mother, sister, brother, wife, husband, best friend, etc.)
One of the things you will read often here on SR (and in Alanon) is to focus on yourself and not on the alcoholic. That sounds so strange at first. But it really does help! Our lives tend to revolve around the A in our lives. Our moods, our reactions, our health are all affected by the disease of alcoholism. By concentrating on those issues (OUR mood, reactions, health, etc.) we begin to take control of ourselves and not let the disease dictate our lives......even if the alcoholic is actively drinking.
Keep coming back. Keep sharing. There are a lot of people here who are in varying stages of their own "recovery". If you open your mind and look inward, you may make some startling discoveries!
gentle hugs
One of the things you will read often here on SR (and in Alanon) is to focus on yourself and not on the alcoholic. That sounds so strange at first. But it really does help! Our lives tend to revolve around the A in our lives. Our moods, our reactions, our health are all affected by the disease of alcoholism. By concentrating on those issues (OUR mood, reactions, health, etc.) we begin to take control of ourselves and not let the disease dictate our lives......even if the alcoholic is actively drinking.
Keep coming back. Keep sharing. There are a lot of people here who are in varying stages of their own "recovery". If you open your mind and look inward, you may make some startling discoveries!
gentle hugs
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 239
llamamama, my experience is that an alcoholic either works a program and strives for sobriety or doesn't. There is no in between. If they don't work a program they will physically deteriorate and things will continue to fall apart in all their relationships; work, family, loved ones etc. The warning signs are there with your AH. Another thing that alcoholics do is repeat patterns. He will continue to drink and drive, drink and fight, dring and be insulting. The degree of each will vary but they are to some extent predictable. No one can tell you what to do but nothing will really change unless your AH is comitted to recovery and in treatment.
Good luck!
Good luck!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 5
Thanks for your in put, I can see what your all talking about. Next week I have a great opportunity at my job, but it would involve me being out of town 2 days and since my life revolves around my AH I have been so afraid to go because I worry about him when I'm gone. I worry something will happen to him or he'll do something stupid, miss work, whatever because I feel like I'm his babysitter. I've decided not to go this month, but because of financial reasons, but next month when I have the opportunity I'm gonna take it and enjoy myself and try not to worry about him. I'm also going to see my Dr and see if I can't get on some meds for anxiety. Anyone else take anything?
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
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Originally Posted by llamamama
Ok, I'm not trying to make excuses for my AH & I am new here & new to really understanding alcoholism, but my AH has admitted he is an alcoholic, he is not in denial, he has said he wants to quit drinking, but doesn't think he can so he therefore does not try, its been hell just trying to get him to drink less & less often, he went to AA several years ago & was still going when we first met, we both agreed that it did not help him, but I am thinking it might have just been the group he was going to. The AA group he went to was next door to a bar, several of the people in the group would go to the bar after the meeting, and there were very few that I think were committed to becoming sober. Do you think trying to get him to go to AA again would be worth the shot? Maybe at a different place? I'm trying to get some time off work to go to an AlAnon meeting myself, it sounds like it really helps.
you can try a new group - sometimes you have to find the right fit. When he is ready he will know - it more a question of how much you can take before enough is enough for you. It will get worse if he does not get help.
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Next week I have a great opportunity at my job, but it would involve me being out of town 2 days and since my life revolves around my AH I have been so afraid to go because I worry about him when I'm gone.
I'm sorry you aren't going to take advantage of a great opportunity at your job. On the other hand, you are being honest with yourself to realize your life has revolved around your AH.
I took antidepressants for awhile, but the doc had to periodically switch prescriptions because after a period of time, one was no longer working. So, I'd be switched to another anti-d. I finally quit taking them altogether because I discovered that the problem was with my thinking. That is not to say that there aren't people who have chemical imbalances in their brains and need meds to help them. I just finally found out for myself, personally, that living as a raging codependent with a raging alcoholic was at the root of my problem.
Please keep in mind that antianxiety meds can become addictive. Are you seeing a counselor? Sometimes talking out our worries and fears can alleviate them to an extent.
I'm sorry you aren't going to take advantage of a great opportunity at your job. On the other hand, you are being honest with yourself to realize your life has revolved around your AH.
Originally Posted by llamamama
I'm also going to see my Dr and see if I can't get on some meds for anxiety. Anyone else take anything?
Please keep in mind that antianxiety meds can become addictive. Are you seeing a counselor? Sometimes talking out our worries and fears can alleviate them to an extent.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
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Posts: 612
This has been my observation of alcoholics finding sobriety within the AA program: They either get it, or they don't. It wouldn't matter if the meeting was next door to a bar, or in a bar. The A may very well know and admit that he has a problem, but that's only a fraction of the battle. It takes a true committment beyond just attending a few meetings. It is a way of life. One cannot stand at the doors of AA with one foot in and one foot out and claim he's working the program. If he really "gets it," he'll put both feet in that room, every single day. Unfortunately, we are not able to shove them one way or the other.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Hi prodigal,
Just wanted to clarify something. Clinical depression (which I've been diagnosed with) is associated with a chemical imbalance in the brain - if you have it you're unbalanced!
But you can come out of your depression by changing the way you think - it actually has a physical effect! Very cool... 
This is why meds and counselling are the best medicine for depression rather than just one on their own.
I'm on anti depressants and have just had my dose increased. I too think
contributes to my depression - something my doctor agrees with!! 
Once i get out of the situation I'm in, I hope to be able to scale the pills back and stop them completely. Without them I'd be incapable of getting anything done though.
Just wanted to clarify something. Clinical depression (which I've been diagnosed with) is associated with a chemical imbalance in the brain - if you have it you're unbalanced!
But you can come out of your depression by changing the way you think - it actually has a physical effect! Very cool... This is why meds and counselling are the best medicine for depression rather than just one on their own.I'm on anti depressants and have just had my dose increased. I too think
Originally Posted by prodigal
that living as a raging codependent with a raging alcoholic
Once i get out of the situation I'm in, I hope to be able to scale the pills back and stop them completely. Without them I'd be incapable of getting anything done though.
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