OverItNow

Hello All,

I have been reading these threads for a few years and have found the courage to post. I've been married for 17 years and have 2 sons 4 & 2. My husband always was the "fun" guy, everyone's friend, responsible, etc., until the birth of our son 4 years ago when he turned into the "mean" (no physical abuse) drunk. I read last week where someone mentioned hostages and the light came on--I always felt like I was being terrorized. He comes home around 4:30 am, wakes me up out of a dead sleep, follows me from room to room, calls me terrible names, then next day either denies, says I need help, or he did it because of whatever I did on that day.

I don't try to find him anymore--I simply don't care. We have no physical relationship for years--the thought makes me gag. I know he won't change without help, recently accepted the fact that I did not cause his behavior and don't react when he yells at me. I am sad to admit that I wish he'd just disappear because it would be "easier" than the fight I know it will be. I've told him to leave and he simply says "no, not going anywhere."

The house is in my name only and kids and I have no where else to go. The house, once a show place, is in such disrepair today, I can't even sell it-right now. And I have just been laid off from my job. We have been broke for 4 years where we were once in great financial shape, to the point where I can't make my mortgage payment this month. I've spoken to lawyers who say he has rights to house since he contributes--although sporatically, he is not physically abusive and he's really done nothing wrong.

I am working on my codie self but am having a hard time getting through the "I can't believe this is my life, I used to be so full of life and beautiful, now I feel like the old troll under the bridge, I'll be alone for the rest of my life and have to work menial jobs and my kids will hate me" thinking. I think about past boyfriends and past situations in my life and wonder what could have been instead of what is. I feel like the saddest girl in the world (even though I know I'm not) and it just seems so hopeless. I used to go to therapy, but when I lost my job I lost my insurance.

I am sorry I am blathering on, just never came out with this. I just wanted you all to know how much you have helped me cope with this--even if it doesn't sound like I am coping--and I thank you and wish all of you peace.

ARealLady

Good morning, OverIt!

Sending you positive thoughts.

You sound like you have accepted that which you cannot change in others. You can only keep the focus on what is best for you and your children.

All the best and do keep us posted.

ARL

Bernadette

Hiya OveritNow--
Glad you finally posted!! That's a great sign....once we get the trolls out into the sunshine they transform!!

I think about past boyfriends and past situations in my life and wonder what could have been instead of what is. I feel like the saddest girl in the world (even though I know I'm not) and it just seems so hopeless.

Don't waste time looking at the past. Serious waste of energy. The past is gone. You are FREE IN THIS MOMENT!

Old boyfriends, what "might" have been, etc. is all Fantasy. REALITY is we can only move FORWARD from where we are today. Now what do you want that to look like?

Your husband's alcoholism is progressing, as it does. You have a choice whether you want your codependence to progress right along with that or you can get YOURSELF off the merry-g-round starting today!

Can you get to an AlAnon meeting? It's free. You don't have to say anything, you can just sit and listen until you're ready to share. They have great literature. Also, you said you lost your insurance for therapy, but have you explored low cost options in your area? Universities often have short term therapy for lo-no cost, they pair you up with a grad student who always has a "Dr. Mentor" monitoring your case. Counties/cities often have mental health counseling available on a sliding scale.

Meanwhile have you read "CoDependent No More" by Melodie Beattie?

Baby steps will get you out of this misery. I'm not saying "out of the marriage." That's for you to decide. But you can, one day at a time, get healthier, get your mind OFF the alcoholic and ONTO yourself and your kids, and transform that troll into the beautiful, joyful WOMAN you are!!

Peace,
B.

OverItNow

Thank you for your responses--I know living in the past is dangerous. I've rationalized this by saying to myself--"it provides me comfort"--but as I am sure everyone knows, it is short-termed at best. I write a lot and the first line of a story I wrote some months back began: She was going to drop dead waiting for her life to begin.

I am glad that I've gotten over the crazy tracking down and caring parts that I am responsible for, but what I still have a hard time with is what I call the "Oh no he didn't!" moments:

Being able to sleep like a baby (like he is now) after terrorizing us all night;
Not taking any responsibility and infect us with his disease;
Have the b*lls to turn this around and say it's payback for something I did, ie not cleaning right, not being affectionate, etc.;
Laying around and taking our space and food and utilities without a second thought.

Perhaps because I am not an alcoholic, I don't get it. I know I am FAR from perfect, but I have to think that if I did even one-tenth of what he has done to us on even one occasion, I'd not go to bed, scrub every inch of grout in our house with a toothbrush and not open my mouth for months--not that it would make it any better. Basically, for lack of a better word, it is the nerve of this man that I cannot get over.

austingemini

OverItNow: You're going through a lot - it sounds like an incredibly difficult time for you. My father was exactly like your husband. Abrasive about everything. Verbally insulting and demeaning. Nothing was ever right. And, not surprisingly, drunk 90% of the time. We walked around the house on egg shells. Only after my mother left him for good did we get the life you mention in your first post - happy, beautiful, peaceful. Be strong.

laurie6781

First (((((OveritNow))))) let me say WELCOME to SR. There is great Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) here.

I don't know where you live, but please, please check out your local Alanon meeting for YOU. There you will find face to face (f2f) comfort and guidance. It will help.

I would also suggest that you talk with your local Woman's Domestic Violence center. Why? Because what he is doing is Domestic Violence. Not physically but mental and emotional which can be worse than physical. Why the DV center? Because they have GREAT RESOURCES. Both counseling services and help with finding a lawyer that is more knowledgeable in these situations.

The laws are different in every state, however, if that house is in your name he doesn't have that many rights, especially when getting down to the 'nitty-gritty' and he would have to PROVE EXACTLY what he contributed. Please check with your local DV center and see how they can help you and who they can refer you to for help. I think you will be surprised at what is actually out there for you to use to make your home SAFE for you and your boys.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care. Feel free to vent, rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh. We do understand. We have been where you are and we will walk with you.

Love and hugs,

Bernadette

hey OveritNow--

Yeah, man, that is it!! the NERVE!!! My ex-H was not an A but he was an irresponsibiliholic. And I remember the feeling you are describing to a T!! But thinking about it and focusing on his shortcomings and saying to myself "Well I would never..." was still living life on his terms, and as I'm sure you are discovering, it never changed a thing - it just got my Irish up!!

I found gratitude helped me get over that feeling of resentment. Grateful I wasn't a lazy inconsiderate slob. Grateful I had a working body and mind that could shoulder lots of responsibility. Grateful finally that I recognized that I have the power within me to create a peaceful, joyful future!!

Humility also helps, I have my own problems to deal with and change. So what if they are different than his! OK so I wouldn't do what he would do - that doesn't make me better than him, doesn't get me where I want to go!!!

It's hard to handle all this stuff! It's hard to change, but once you have this sort of "perspective shift" things will be clearer and make more sense and you'll start getting the picture of what YOU CAN change!!
Good luck -
B.

OverItNow

I've been to Alanon meetings, but they discontinued the meeting where they allowed children--people not being able to focus,etc. and AH won't "babysit." Horrid--I either go places with the kids or not at all--lately it's been not at all cos at 4 and 2--well I'm sure those of you who been through it know.

And yes, gratitude has helped me too. I used to be lazy and whiney and the type of person who did not know her own mind enough to make a decision about breakfast alone (maybe this is karma?). Without going through this I would have never realized that I am a strong woman who is able to ride this wave all the while not giving in to the words of the AH--I am not, for instance, a pathetic piece of sh!t, even though that has become a term of endearment of sorts from him.

For the knowledge he has given me about myself through his addiction, for that gift alone, I am grateful.

Chrysalis123

Hi, Overitnow. I do that and someone around here called it "stinkin thinkin". I find myself teetering on the abyss of this frequently and I imagine all the worst things happening to me, this old middle aged troll, hiding in shame, under the bridge. But you know what? I cannot predict the future and I am not God. He is in charge of that. My life could easily go the other way. I can be full of life, radiantly beautiful living a life full of dignity, grace, joy, laughter, dear firends and fun. That is what I want. That is what I want.

Now that I know I am sick (and I am working hard to get emotionally well) I recognize my "troll under the bridge" thinking as my sickness expressing itself. When that happens I pray, read alanon literature, go to a meeting, call my sponsor or someone from my meeting, attend counseling, talk with a friend...and it helps and I get back on course. I thank God when it happens because before I was so screwed up in the head I would wallow in that misery for weeks to months not realizing I even had a choice.

I can wish all I want that my life wasn't what it was for 20 years. But that wastes my time and makes me fall into the abyss where that troll lives. So instead, one day at a time, I take the tiniest little steps into the sun. All the little steps add up to quite a bit of growth.

Thank you for posting because you helped me. Please keep coming back.

Sweetiepie1

You can't do much about the past but you can change your future if you want to by concentrating on what's good for you. That's not selfish, as we are all entitled to some happiness

Kindeyes

overitnow
I'm glad that you finally posted. It felt good, didn't it! Getting the weight off of your shoulders and "talking" to people who understand where you are is a great help. If you can't go to Alanon meetings, use SR as your "meeting". There are so many people here that are going through (or have been through) what you are dealing with. We all come here to give and get support.

Keep coming here. Keep posting. Keep seeking help for you and your little ones. Your husband is an adult and is able to take care of himself. Take care of YOU! You can gain control of your life. It is possible.

gentle hugs

Seeking Wisdom

Welcome to SR

Your story is so similar to mine that I feel like I could have written your post 12 years ago. When I married my husband, he rarely drank ... but after 7 years, he discovered the joy of drinking every day and our marriage began to deteriorate with so many ups and downs getting progressively worse with many years of misery, tears and frustration. Our lives were so deeply intertwined because of our 2 sons, our home, and a shared business, that divorcing would have been extremely complicated and financially devastating. My biggest fear in divorcing however, was him get unsupervised shared custody... because he was careful not to get caught doing anything "technically" illegal even though his behavior was out of control.

I understand what you mean by he hasn't done anything "wrong" in regard to divorcing - and I am sure what you are referring to is anything "legally wrong". Truth is he has done a lot of things wrong. He is not being a caring, responsible partner and a father... but instead terrorizing you and your children. You mentioned that he became angry after the birth of this first child... it could be he felt you were now more dependent on him and less apt to leave when he behaved outrageously. I believe this contributed to my husband's increasingly terrifying behavior - if I had not had children, I would have packed up and left many years sooner if he had behaved that horribly. For our family, I was able to eventually convince my husband to live elsewhere until he could find long term sobriety, which sadly he never could. A counselor recommended this as a choice as I would be able to maintain better supervision of our kids and our finances.

Please don't beat yourself up ... being married to an out of control angry alcoholic, especially when you have young children and feel financially dependent, is probably one of the most challenging experiences there is. On top of everything else, very few people understand the insanity of living with an active alcoholic. So glad you found SR...you will find insight and understanding that you won't be able to find anywhere else.

FormerDoormat

Now that's a FABULOUS opening line! Why? Because it's true for many folks. But it doesn't have to be your truth or my truth. Sounds like you're getting close to reaching your bottom. It's said that alcoholics have to reach their bottom before they change their life. Well, the same is true for the partners of alcoholics.

I remember the night I hit my bottom vividly. My boyfriend's drinking was out of control and his behavior had become deplorable. He was wreaking havoc in my daughter's and my life and I decided I had ENOUGH. The only place where I could find privacy and have a good cry (I hate to let others see me cry) was in the bathroom.

So there I sat on the toilet crying my eyes out. Right there and then I decided that I'd had enough and suddenly the solution seemed so clear. All the fears and worries I'd carried around inside me for so many years no longer mattered. All that mattered was that I needed him out of my life.

So, the next morning on the way to work, I told my boyfriend that if I found him drunk when I picked him up after work that I would drive him to a local hotel of his choosing and I was done.

Later that evening, I arrived at his job. He was drunk. I told him I was sorry, asked him where he wanted me to drop him off, took him to a local hotel, and then drove away. He got good and drunk in that hotel room and I headed out into the sunset and drove right into a whole new life.

"I'm done." I spoke two simple words and all that once seemed impossible for so many years now became possible. None of my fears materialized. I didn't end up homeless. I didn't lose my home. I didn't lose my sanity. I didn't fall apart. I wasn't lonely and sad. In fact, I thrived.

Fast forward to today. It's four years later and my boyfriend is now deceased. He chose to drink himself to death one year ago. I chose life.

Today my daughter and I live a quiet, peaceful, and predictable life; the life I had always dreamed of living. It wasn't nearly as hard to achieve as I had imagined. In fact, it was easy once I became determined to change it for the better.

Who knows when or where you'll be when you reach your bottom. Hopefully, it will be in a much more respectable place than sitting on the john. But it might just make for another fabulous opening line for a story; sharing truths often do. Regardless of where it happens, you'll know when it's time because all of the "I cant's" will no longer serve you and you'll finally believe I CAN.

Welcome to the forum.

Pajarito

FD- fabulous as usual. Welcome OverItNow. Like FD stated so well- we all hit bottom at sometime or another. I hit mine 10 months ago ( and not on the john) when STBXAH announced he wanted a separation- didn't want me trying to control him any longer. He thought I'd see what a great guy he was and beg him to come home. Yes- he did say that several times. At first I cried, begged, etc. to get him to stay. Slowly I started to really look at what was happening- he was arrogant, he was self-absorbed, he was verbally abusive, he was lazy. . . He wasn't doing anything "wrong." On the outside to everyone else he seemed like the nice guy- but with me it was another story. I put up with years of abuse and was becoming someone I didn't like. I kept thinking I had to stay for our dd- but a little voice inside kept up that nagging- "what about me?" Thank God I had the ability to step back and really look at what was happening. I cannot imagine living with his chaos again. He is still self-absorbed, selfish, verbally abusive, and lazy. Not everyone will go the route I am (divorce). But for me there was no other option. Get out while I can and live my life for me. DD and I have a pretty peaceful life- made a little crazy by one self-absorbed Jack Russell Terrier- but he I can handle!

Take care of yourself. I KNOW it is extremely hard, but once you start getting out you will see how much life you can live. I was living a very narrow life. I have reached out to friends and family, I go to al-anon, meet my sponsor for walks, read, read, read. . . Baby steps. I hope you will keep posting.

dunerkat

overitnow - your life mirrors mine so much. the word "terrorizing" describes it to a "t". the verbal/emotional abuse wears you down so much. i really don't have much to say, as i am in the beginnings of trying to put my life back together, but this board is very helpful, if for nothing else to vent. take care.

Tally

Fab post FD, gaves me shivers!

Have you heard of projection? It's where you "project" your own undesirable thoughts and feelings onto someone else.
Sounds to me that your hubby is the pathetic piece of s***, not you...and he prolly feels the same himself, but unable to deal with these feelings of self loathing, he's loading them onto you instead.

Not that it's any excuse, but quite natural, certainly to some alcoholics...

I really hope that you don't belive him, it takes the strongest of people to put up with living with an addict.

Read laurie6781's post, she gave great advice, because what your hubby is doing is domestic violence. It doesn't have to be physical violence to constitute abuse. You will get great support and advice and all for free from these places, they're there to help...even a phone call would be a start.

Please keep posting and let us know how you get on

*hugs*