kingston

Good morning all, I'm looking for some sharing. First a bit of background. I'm married to an alcoholic who has been sober for almost 4 years. He went thru various rehabs and finally found one that worked. We were separated at the time and reconciled. The first two years or so were great - we went to weekly family meetings and he went to open AA meetings. In the last year or so he has stopped going to meetings, never did hook up with a sponsor. He is still sober but the behavior that he had when drinking - communication skills, denial and not accepting responsibilities are all back.

I have let myself slide back into my old behaviors too, afraid to talk about things that are bothering me - back to hiding my feelings with him. I can talk openly with my rehab facilitators and friends but not my husband.

I sat down with him a week or so (see my previous post) and told him a bit about how I was feeling and that in order for me to feel better about myself and to have some personal security he needed to find a job that would pay his share (he hasn't really worked since he left rehab and for the past year or so I have been paying for everything - his savings and pension are now long gone).

All he said was ok I know how you are feeling and I'm sorry to have pushed you this far and that he will work on getting a job.

We still don't really talk. I'm not sure if I want to start talking about things. I'm not sure I still want to be in this relationship. I'm so confused about so many things. Id like to be able to talk to him but again I'm afraid of telling him how I really feel. I don't know what is wrong with me.

Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you - K

sadandhopeless

good morning. I am not a medical professional in any way or form, but could he be having problems with depressionor anxiety? Has he seen a doctor? You should not be afraid of speaking to him about your feelings. I see on this site a lot that people in recovery don't find it important to find a job and do their financial part? that makes no sense to me - have a job makes you feel like you are not only contributing to your family and their future but to society?

Do they discuss employment and the need for it at AA meetings or in rehabs? It seems to me that the family memebers take on all the finacial responsibilities while the addicted only care of themselves? I know they need to work on themselves but so do the family members involved.

I have been through this and would have lost my home if my mother in law was not an enabler as well. She floated our mortgage and paid our bills every time my AH was unable to work due to being drunk. I sometimes feel that she made him think it was ok not work because she was always there to pick up the financial pieces even though is not a wealthy woman by any means. I to played a part becasue I accepted the money as well. I worked hard every day and did not want to lose my home.

Yes my husband is working - he was suspeded a month ago for being drunk on the job - he is working recovery and has been sober for 7 days now...that is a miracle in itself.

He is going back to work tomorrow. He is lucky he still has a job. the job is for sure not to his full potential but he is contributing and he loves the work he does. Therapy and medication are helping him to recover. He is also starting an outpatient program - his idea and he has set it up all on his own, so for that I am proud.

Please don't accept that your husband can not do his part financially. I would think that working can only help in recovery and gives them another purpose and makes them feel good about themselves.

Please keep us posted and good luck to you.

Barbara52

I know it was way too easy for me to just stop talking to xAH about all the issues in our marriage. I gave up after years of getting nowhere. I stopped trying to get him to see what he was doing to himself, to me, to his children.

IF I had been in a marriage I wanted to try and save (and I was not), I think I would have insisted on couples counseling to help us find ways to communicate. As I see it, without honest and effective communication, there is no real marriage.

juju

It’s admirable that you can see yourself slipping into old behaviors again. Identifying is the first step to recovery, right? That’s what you need to focus on right now. Your behaviors and your recovery.

“He is still sober but the behavior that he had when drinking - communication skills, denial and not accepting responsibilities are all back”

This is what drives us to recovery in the first place. Not the drinking in itself, but the behaviors when drinking. Just because he’s not drinking doesn’t make the behaviors any more acceptable unless you let it.

“We still don't really talk. I'm not sure if I want to start talking about things. I'm not sure I still want to be in this relationship. I'm so confused about so many things. Id like to be able to talk to him but again I'm afraid of telling him how I really feel. I don't know what is wrong with me“.

Give these things some time. Work on you, and you’ll figure out what’s right for you when the time is right.

Good luck to you and be strong.

juju