One more for the road
Paused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Midwest US
Posts: 2
One more for the road
Hi, new here. Been reading a while and made my first post in another thread but that slipped away so I thought I'd try again. 
The A in my life is DH. We've been married for 14 years and have 3 kids (11, 9 and 7). Beer is his drug of choice and he averages a 12-pack or more daily, more on weekends. He holds it well; never had a DUI, a fender-bender or even lost a day of work, much less a job. He isn't a sloppy or abusive drunk, isn't out at bars all night or on benders, just sits on the couch or at the kitchen table watching TV, popping one after another after another. He doesn't even appear to get hung over. He's not any more overweight than your average 47 year-old guy -- less so, even -- and on the surface his health appears to be good. I do suspect a high blood pressure problem but he gets an annual physical and supposedly it's not an issue.
Needless to say, until recently I've been in denial. Not that he drinks too much, but how much it has affected our lives. As part of moving through the denial I began to journal, focusing mostly on tracking how much he drank so I could read and re-read in black and white how bad he really was. Also gave me opportunities to catalog minor inicidents that I hoped I could later point to as evidence of the alcohol's impact.
After the denial I began to get angry and very resentful. My own emotional MO is to avoid conflict and confrontation at all cost, so I pretty much just shut down. Made a little pact with myself that I wouldn't have any Discussions with him while he was drinking, leaving myself a neat little escape clause. At the moment we're barely civil, just going through the motions with as little conversation as possible.
(I'm ashamed to admit that I've only brought up his drinking once, about a year ago. His response was classic rationalization: since he hasn't lost a job, hit me, had an accident or any of the usual hitting-bottom events, he doesn't have a problem so WTF is my problem.)
Wondering exactly what is my problem, I went to a counselor last fall but didn't really gel with her so I stopped going. Just started with a new one a couple months ago. I like this counselor a lot more -- he's not letting me get away with any BS -- but he's geographically inconvenient so it's tough to get down there as often as I'd like. I chose him because his organization has a tangential affliliation with my A's line of work and I felt they'd be the best equipped to deal with our situation. I have to say, though, if anything would ever bring my A to strike a blow in my direction, telling him who and where this counselor (I'll call him R) is will do the trick.
R is pushing me to go to an Al-Anon meeting but I've been dragging my feet on that one. I'm not quite ready to tell my A that's where I'm headed -- not because I have to tell him but because I'm very uncomfortable with lies. Even though I'm living a big one.
At this moment I need a 'fix' from R so I can get that ball rolling - it's been 2 weeks since I've seen him. Whether it's telling my A I'm going to Al-Anon or that he can no longer drive the kids anywhere after drinking (effectively cutting him out of the car pool entirely -- a real logisitical problem for me)... Whatever the catalyst, it's going to be ugly and I need to steel myself up for it.
BTW, I'll stake my life that my A will never, ever work the program. It's simply not his style, I don't care how painful drinking becomes for him. He's anti-social, intensely private and to top it off, he's got a brother who successfully worked the steps and has been sober for 2 years now. He currently despises this brother (gee, I wonder why) and would rather eat his gun than eat his words and walk the same road.
Well. that's my story for now.
The A in my life is DH. We've been married for 14 years and have 3 kids (11, 9 and 7). Beer is his drug of choice and he averages a 12-pack or more daily, more on weekends. He holds it well; never had a DUI, a fender-bender or even lost a day of work, much less a job. He isn't a sloppy or abusive drunk, isn't out at bars all night or on benders, just sits on the couch or at the kitchen table watching TV, popping one after another after another. He doesn't even appear to get hung over. He's not any more overweight than your average 47 year-old guy -- less so, even -- and on the surface his health appears to be good. I do suspect a high blood pressure problem but he gets an annual physical and supposedly it's not an issue.
Needless to say, until recently I've been in denial. Not that he drinks too much, but how much it has affected our lives. As part of moving through the denial I began to journal, focusing mostly on tracking how much he drank so I could read and re-read in black and white how bad he really was. Also gave me opportunities to catalog minor inicidents that I hoped I could later point to as evidence of the alcohol's impact.
After the denial I began to get angry and very resentful. My own emotional MO is to avoid conflict and confrontation at all cost, so I pretty much just shut down. Made a little pact with myself that I wouldn't have any Discussions with him while he was drinking, leaving myself a neat little escape clause. At the moment we're barely civil, just going through the motions with as little conversation as possible.
(I'm ashamed to admit that I've only brought up his drinking once, about a year ago. His response was classic rationalization: since he hasn't lost a job, hit me, had an accident or any of the usual hitting-bottom events, he doesn't have a problem so WTF is my problem.)
Wondering exactly what is my problem, I went to a counselor last fall but didn't really gel with her so I stopped going. Just started with a new one a couple months ago. I like this counselor a lot more -- he's not letting me get away with any BS -- but he's geographically inconvenient so it's tough to get down there as often as I'd like. I chose him because his organization has a tangential affliliation with my A's line of work and I felt they'd be the best equipped to deal with our situation. I have to say, though, if anything would ever bring my A to strike a blow in my direction, telling him who and where this counselor (I'll call him R) is will do the trick.
R is pushing me to go to an Al-Anon meeting but I've been dragging my feet on that one. I'm not quite ready to tell my A that's where I'm headed -- not because I have to tell him but because I'm very uncomfortable with lies. Even though I'm living a big one.
At this moment I need a 'fix' from R so I can get that ball rolling - it's been 2 weeks since I've seen him. Whether it's telling my A I'm going to Al-Anon or that he can no longer drive the kids anywhere after drinking (effectively cutting him out of the car pool entirely -- a real logisitical problem for me)... Whatever the catalyst, it's going to be ugly and I need to steel myself up for it. BTW, I'll stake my life that my A will never, ever work the program. It's simply not his style, I don't care how painful drinking becomes for him. He's anti-social, intensely private and to top it off, he's got a brother who successfully worked the steps and has been sober for 2 years now. He currently despises this brother (gee, I wonder why) and would rather eat his gun than eat his words and walk the same road.
Well. that's my story for now.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Jacy
Welcome to our forum and I hope you will find comfort and strength here.
Sadly, there is nothing you can do to change him, until he is ready and willing to change himself. Take a read around the boards here, and you will see that many of us tried and learned that only by changing ourselves could we change our circumstance. Also, there is a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie that is a godsend to people like us. Most bookstores carry it and it is avaiable at most libraries. Do yourself a huge favour and read it.
I encourage you to go to Al-Anon, with or without his blessing. Working a 12-step program can help you regain your balance and learn to live a happy life - with him or without him.
And I have to say that I am afraid for your husband, your children and other innocent victims if he is allowed to drive when he has been drinking. It may be convenient, but it may cost them their lives. Sorry to be so blunt, but those are cold hard facts. Please do whatever you can to keep him away from driving.
I'm glad you found us and hope that you feel comfortable and part of our wonderful family.
Sending hugs and prayers for you and your family.
Welcome to our forum and I hope you will find comfort and strength here.
Sadly, there is nothing you can do to change him, until he is ready and willing to change himself. Take a read around the boards here, and you will see that many of us tried and learned that only by changing ourselves could we change our circumstance. Also, there is a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie that is a godsend to people like us. Most bookstores carry it and it is avaiable at most libraries. Do yourself a huge favour and read it.
I encourage you to go to Al-Anon, with or without his blessing. Working a 12-step program can help you regain your balance and learn to live a happy life - with him or without him.
And I have to say that I am afraid for your husband, your children and other innocent victims if he is allowed to drive when he has been drinking. It may be convenient, but it may cost them their lives. Sorry to be so blunt, but those are cold hard facts. Please do whatever you can to keep him away from driving.
I'm glad you found us and hope that you feel comfortable and part of our wonderful family.
Sending hugs and prayers for you and your family.
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 25
I just wanted to respond because your A sounds identical to the way mine was drinking and acting. And the knowing he won't work a recovery program - EXACTLY. My A/H was drinking 12 packs (or more) after work each night. More on the weekends and occasionally in the mornings on the weekends (trying to hide the fact by going in the basement with a beer but I would always end up finding the can somewhere down there). Not overweight, never hungover, always went to work, no DUI's or anything, always sat at the kitchen table and then came into the living room when he was ready to pass out.
He is dry now because it got to the point to if he didn't have alcohol in his system constantly he would get anxiety attacks and nerve/shaking problems. He went to rehab for a week of detox. He stayed sober for about 6 months after that and then tried controlled drinking for about 1-1/2 years on and off. Now it has only been about 5 months since he hasn't drank. I know my A won't ever work a program either. Feels he is different. Some do quit without the program but most of their thinking stays the same without it.
Just wanted to post because your A sounds so much like mine. Take care of yourself. Lolobug
He is dry now because it got to the point to if he didn't have alcohol in his system constantly he would get anxiety attacks and nerve/shaking problems. He went to rehab for a week of detox. He stayed sober for about 6 months after that and then tried controlled drinking for about 1-1/2 years on and off. Now it has only been about 5 months since he hasn't drank. I know my A won't ever work a program either. Feels he is different. Some do quit without the program but most of their thinking stays the same without it.
Just wanted to post because your A sounds so much like mine. Take care of yourself. Lolobug
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
welcome Jacy
I am glad that you have found us. We are one big family that leans on each other....listens and supports each other. Ann suggested agreat book and I second that you read it.
When we start working on ourselves and helping ourselves, the world around us is seen through a new set of eyes. It becomes more managable and pleasant. Peace is even attainable.
I too struggled with the impossiblities of my A, but I was proven wrong.....mine never saught AA, but he is sober right now and happy......I NEVER thought those things would happen. He has even been in situations that I KNEW he coudln't handle and made it through with flying colors.
Concentrate on you Jacy and start your own recovery.....the other things and worries can wait.
Constant
When we start working on ourselves and helping ourselves, the world around us is seen through a new set of eyes. It becomes more managable and pleasant. Peace is even attainable.
I too struggled with the impossiblities of my A, but I was proven wrong.....mine never saught AA, but he is sober right now and happy......I NEVER thought those things would happen. He has even been in situations that I KNEW he coudln't handle and made it through with flying colors.
Concentrate on you Jacy and start your own recovery.....the other things and worries can wait.
Constant
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Jacy,
My Ward sounds like your DH. Although he recently did get a DUI and, bless his heart, no longer will drink and drive. He is in the construction field and all of our marrage he would walk in the door at the end of the day with half a 6 pack. Now that I say that it is really nice that he doesn't do that anymore. My Ward will never seek recovery either (never say never) and will probably continue as he is for a very long time.
So...my story?? I have been working my Alanon program for about 10 years and I must say my life is good. Ward is a good provider, solid in our marrage and all in all a good man. So he drinks. Him passing out at the end of the day allows me to go to bed first and read, or take a bath or come here. When his head starts bobbin' I stop all meaningful conversation and save it. Honestly his head doesn't have to be bobbin' for him to not hear me...
I was ready to leave at my lowest when someone told me I could be married one day at a time. I could change my mind tomorrow if that is what I wanted. Go to Alanon! And read that book that Ann suggested. Hit the power post at the top and again...welcome.
Hugs,
JT
My Ward sounds like your DH. Although he recently did get a DUI and, bless his heart, no longer will drink and drive. He is in the construction field and all of our marrage he would walk in the door at the end of the day with half a 6 pack. Now that I say that it is really nice that he doesn't do that anymore. My Ward will never seek recovery either (never say never) and will probably continue as he is for a very long time.
So...my story?? I have been working my Alanon program for about 10 years and I must say my life is good. Ward is a good provider, solid in our marrage and all in all a good man. So he drinks. Him passing out at the end of the day allows me to go to bed first and read, or take a bath or come here. When his head starts bobbin' I stop all meaningful conversation and save it. Honestly his head doesn't have to be bobbin' for him to not hear me...
I was ready to leave at my lowest when someone told me I could be married one day at a time. I could change my mind tomorrow if that is what I wanted. Go to Alanon! And read that book that Ann suggested. Hit the power post at the top and again...welcome.
Hugs,
JT
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
