Is it Codie or Caring? I still miss him desperately!
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Join Date: Jun 2008
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Is it Codie or Caring? I still miss him desperately!
:codiepolice:codiepoliceHi.
My original post was "Is there anyone out there like me?" where I gave background on my guy situation and got great supportive comments from many of you about how the feelings were "normal" for Codie behavior (that I will work to change). I won't bore you with repeating it.
I'm pretty tweaked today because it's his birthday today...and the card is here, along with my hug...he won't have either and it's killing me! And he's in rehab, without those who love him dearly. His mom is part of the problem, so she's probably driving him crazy. His stepdad is a b**tard, and his sister is too young to navigate this whole thing. I'm not "worried" about him...I know he's being taken care of and is (hopefully) learning how to live in recovery.
Situation is that our mutual friend who is 7+ years sober and experienced with rehab and The Program (who keeps me updated) talks to him and might visit him there...He confided in her that he is in rehab...but he never told me and is still not in contact with me, though they have visiting hours, access to pay phones and he could leave me a message at work..(we work together too). BUT NOTHING.
I didn't have to remind him to put his shoes on or anything...it was never that much micromanagement of his life, but he vented to me about being depressed and sad about his dysfunctional family....we shared so much personal info that I know he must be lonely and I want so much to be there for him. I'm afraid he is substituting this mutual friend for my comfort...and jealousy (albeit unrealistic) sets in pretty hard.
YES, yes, I know.. I'm emotionally attached to, manipulated by and intimate with an addict that is a coworker ?!?!?...could it be more tangled and muddy of a situation? Probably not. I feel like I could run for Mayor of Codie town with all of this experience. Yikes.
I feel like I can't breathe sometimes I miss him desperately and want to just hug him and tell him it will be OK. Where do I draw the line between Codie behavior and true caring feelings for him...?
Thanks,
Rivka
My original post was "Is there anyone out there like me?" where I gave background on my guy situation and got great supportive comments from many of you about how the feelings were "normal" for Codie behavior (that I will work to change). I won't bore you with repeating it.
I'm pretty tweaked today because it's his birthday today...and the card is here, along with my hug...he won't have either and it's killing me! And he's in rehab, without those who love him dearly. His mom is part of the problem, so she's probably driving him crazy. His stepdad is a b**tard, and his sister is too young to navigate this whole thing. I'm not "worried" about him...I know he's being taken care of and is (hopefully) learning how to live in recovery.
Situation is that our mutual friend who is 7+ years sober and experienced with rehab and The Program (who keeps me updated) talks to him and might visit him there...He confided in her that he is in rehab...but he never told me and is still not in contact with me, though they have visiting hours, access to pay phones and he could leave me a message at work..(we work together too). BUT NOTHING.
I didn't have to remind him to put his shoes on or anything...it was never that much micromanagement of his life, but he vented to me about being depressed and sad about his dysfunctional family....we shared so much personal info that I know he must be lonely and I want so much to be there for him. I'm afraid he is substituting this mutual friend for my comfort...and jealousy (albeit unrealistic) sets in pretty hard.
YES, yes, I know.. I'm emotionally attached to, manipulated by and intimate with an addict that is a coworker ?!?!?...could it be more tangled and muddy of a situation? Probably not. I feel like I could run for Mayor of Codie town with all of this experience. Yikes.
I feel like I can't breathe sometimes I miss him desperately and want to just hug him and tell him it will be OK. Where do I draw the line between Codie behavior and true caring feelings for him...?
Thanks,
Rivka
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(((Rivka)))
I wish I had clear and direct answers to your questions...but I don't.
The only advice I can give is to use this time to concentrate on you. Its the first step towards shaking this codie thing we share.
He's safe, he's working on himself...time for you.
And (just my opinion, nothing more) you may want to shake this "friendship" with the other gal. She's doing you no favor with her updates, and IMO is betraying the trust of her addict frined. Doesn't sound too "program" to me.
Just my thoughts.
Wishing you peace and clarity
(((Hugs)))
I wish I had clear and direct answers to your questions...but I don't.
The only advice I can give is to use this time to concentrate on you. Its the first step towards shaking this codie thing we share.
He's safe, he's working on himself...time for you.
And (just my opinion, nothing more) you may want to shake this "friendship" with the other gal. She's doing you no favor with her updates, and IMO is betraying the trust of her addict frined. Doesn't sound too "program" to me.
Just my thoughts.
Wishing you peace and clarity
(((Hugs)))
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
I agree with everything Cece just said, especially the part about how the other girl's updates are clearly not helping you to focus on you. If you can be friends with her without talking about him, then go for it; but I would avoid her like the plague if having a friendship independant of him is impossible. When I was at my worst in my codependancy, I would get several updates a day from my parents about my sister. All that made me do was obsess over her problems, meanwhile my own problems were just getting worse and worse, with me left with no energy to even think about fixing them.
He is in the best place he could be right now. He probably doesn't even mean to upset you by not contacting you... but right now, he has to focus on himself; and he can't do that if he's worried about outside relationships (not just with you... this includes his family, friends, everyone really...). Making ammends with people he has hurt is one of the 12 steps of recovery, but it is fairly far down on the list (7 or 8, I think? Maybe later). There's a reason it's so far down there. Until that point, most addicts are not ready to try to tackle the negative situations that their path of destruction has brought about. They have to be much stronger people than they were at the beginning of their recovery to be able to muster something that scary.
I don't know that much about your situation, but he's probably more comfortable talking to this other girl because he has no intimate ties to her like he does you, taking away some pressure he may feel. He may just not be ready for you to see him there. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you; in fact, the fact that he hasn't tried to contact you may mean he holds you in higher regard than how he views her.
I wish you would not think of him as someone who is without "those who love him" at the moment, though. He is probably making some great friends in the rehab, whether it be other patients, rehab staff, or whomever else he meets by being there. These people are helping him to grow (hopefully, if he is using the program to the best of his advantage).
So, my final question to you would be this: If he is using this time to grow, and we'll assume he is, since assuming anything less would not help anyone involved, why is it fair that you should have to sit around and beat yourself up over him in the meantime? This time away from him sounds like a great opportunity to have a ladies' night out, go get your nails done, maybe even buy a new pair of shoes. Whatever it is that you do when you are trying to pamper yourself, do it to the extreme while he's away, and give yourself plenty of time to think about you.
We're all pulling for ya... keep us posted!
He is in the best place he could be right now. He probably doesn't even mean to upset you by not contacting you... but right now, he has to focus on himself; and he can't do that if he's worried about outside relationships (not just with you... this includes his family, friends, everyone really...). Making ammends with people he has hurt is one of the 12 steps of recovery, but it is fairly far down on the list (7 or 8, I think? Maybe later). There's a reason it's so far down there. Until that point, most addicts are not ready to try to tackle the negative situations that their path of destruction has brought about. They have to be much stronger people than they were at the beginning of their recovery to be able to muster something that scary.
I don't know that much about your situation, but he's probably more comfortable talking to this other girl because he has no intimate ties to her like he does you, taking away some pressure he may feel. He may just not be ready for you to see him there. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you; in fact, the fact that he hasn't tried to contact you may mean he holds you in higher regard than how he views her.
I wish you would not think of him as someone who is without "those who love him" at the moment, though. He is probably making some great friends in the rehab, whether it be other patients, rehab staff, or whomever else he meets by being there. These people are helping him to grow (hopefully, if he is using the program to the best of his advantage).
So, my final question to you would be this: If he is using this time to grow, and we'll assume he is, since assuming anything less would not help anyone involved, why is it fair that you should have to sit around and beat yourself up over him in the meantime? This time away from him sounds like a great opportunity to have a ladies' night out, go get your nails done, maybe even buy a new pair of shoes. Whatever it is that you do when you are trying to pamper yourself, do it to the extreme while he's away, and give yourself plenty of time to think about you.
We're all pulling for ya... keep us posted!
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: southern cal
Posts: 84
Thanks Lady and CeCe. I appreciate the support and suggestions.
Lady, my broken heart "hopes" you are right in thinking he is too close to me to see me when his ego/ self-esteem is so fragile. I DO know that recovering addicts should stay out of relationships for the first year and I TOTALLY get that as they can substitute relationship obsession and dilute focus on their progress. I would not want to get in the way of his recovery. Yes, I did do some retail therapy today, but I found myself selecting clothes thinking what might look good that would turn his head....AAARRRGGHHH!!!!
Good point about later steps- apologizing to those you hurt-is a difficult one that requires some healthy outlook derived from working the first handful of steps well.
I need to put these desperate thoughts in a closet somewhere and lock the door because they keep getting out!
Cece- interesting thought about pulling away from our mutual friend. The 3 of us are friends and I have been asking her details about his status....its my fault for constantly asking. I need to stop.. She is not sharing intimate details of their conversations , she is respecting his privacy that way, she just answers my general questions about how he's doing and I asked her to send my regards to him if she sees him. I know, more details and obsession is NOT what I need!!
Thank you both for your time. I will try to relax and study the codie steps.
Have a good weekend.
Rivka
Lady, my broken heart "hopes" you are right in thinking he is too close to me to see me when his ego/ self-esteem is so fragile. I DO know that recovering addicts should stay out of relationships for the first year and I TOTALLY get that as they can substitute relationship obsession and dilute focus on their progress. I would not want to get in the way of his recovery. Yes, I did do some retail therapy today, but I found myself selecting clothes thinking what might look good that would turn his head....AAARRRGGHHH!!!!
Good point about later steps- apologizing to those you hurt-is a difficult one that requires some healthy outlook derived from working the first handful of steps well.
I need to put these desperate thoughts in a closet somewhere and lock the door because they keep getting out!
Cece- interesting thought about pulling away from our mutual friend. The 3 of us are friends and I have been asking her details about his status....its my fault for constantly asking. I need to stop.. She is not sharing intimate details of their conversations , she is respecting his privacy that way, she just answers my general questions about how he's doing and I asked her to send my regards to him if she sees him. I know, more details and obsession is NOT what I need!!
Thank you both for your time. I will try to relax and study the codie steps.
Have a good weekend.
Rivka
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I'm sorry that you are having struggles over the situation with your friend in rehab. You are wise and fortunate to have found your way to an anon site. It's great that you've recognized your own codie tendencies through your involvement with him and can now focus on yourself.
Early recovery brings many changes. They are encouraged to put sobriety and recovery first. Nothing else can be more important. In fact, he ulitmately will have nothing without it. It's difficult to step back and let go but everyone says those slogans for a reason - they work. Try not to let any of his behaviors impact the way that you feel about yourself. A person in active addiction and initial detox is not in their right mind. It takes a long time to sort things out when you quit using. As they say, only one thing has to change - and that's everything.
When I find myself beginning to focus on another person and my hopes and dreams for the relationship I realize that that is my cue to stop and figure out what is going on in me. Why am I seeking an involvement with someone that is not emotionally available for me? People in addiction and early recovery just can't be there for anyone else but themselves.
Have you thought of attending Alanon meetings? It took a long time for me to finally figure out that the only true help that I can give anyone is to help myself first. Alanon taught me about what is healthy support and love but it mainly taught me how to focus on me. Relationships and the hope of a relationship can be just as addictive as any drug.
Hugs -
Early recovery brings many changes. They are encouraged to put sobriety and recovery first. Nothing else can be more important. In fact, he ulitmately will have nothing without it. It's difficult to step back and let go but everyone says those slogans for a reason - they work. Try not to let any of his behaviors impact the way that you feel about yourself. A person in active addiction and initial detox is not in their right mind. It takes a long time to sort things out when you quit using. As they say, only one thing has to change - and that's everything.
When I find myself beginning to focus on another person and my hopes and dreams for the relationship I realize that that is my cue to stop and figure out what is going on in me. Why am I seeking an involvement with someone that is not emotionally available for me? People in addiction and early recovery just can't be there for anyone else but themselves.
Have you thought of attending Alanon meetings? It took a long time for me to finally figure out that the only true help that I can give anyone is to help myself first. Alanon taught me about what is healthy support and love but it mainly taught me how to focus on me. Relationships and the hope of a relationship can be just as addictive as any drug.
Hugs -
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: southern cal
Posts: 84
You know when you think you are doing better and think you can move forward more quickly...only to find out that you are faking yourself out and still in love with the Addict that you say "I'm ok being just friends"....I'm BS'ing myself.
I was called on it today.
The (addict and my) "mutual friend" went to visit him in rehab yesterday, as she was there for another friend (popular place this rehab center).
I asked if she saw him, and she said yes, but that even after 1 1/2 weeks he is still detoxing pretty bad and looks awful.
I told her I've seen him look awful, like when I helped him come down from his painkiller episode a couple months ago...and we went away for the weekend so he could sleep and get it out of his system....yes, I doted on him, getting him nutritious food, water, juice etc...and she reminded me that I should have dropped him off at a hospital...not coddled him. (OK, that was before I found SR).
She, who is 7 yrs sober, calls me out on my feelings for him, though I say (and thought I believed, I was moving forward).
I asked if she sent my regards, and she told me "yes, I told him you are concerned about him and wish him well" and she said his response was that he didn't want to see anyone, and hopes no one knows about where he is....she went on to say that "she knows I have feelings for him and if I don't move on I'm going to get hurt"...She repeated how I'm going to get hurt several times....which makes me think he said something negative about me...but if I focus on that, it will kill me.
I told her that I can try to put the feelings aside and just be his friend, but she insisted that as he is pretty sick "in his disease" it will be a long time until he can be my friend.....and called me out again on how I can't do that...YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM AND IT'S NOT GOOD. HE'S SICK. YOU ARE GOING TO GET HURT. and said she doesn't feel comfortable talking about this anymore with me....I guess he was adamant about no one knowing, so I will honor that and her commitment to his privacy.
I told her I'm working on my Codie issues, and hope to be ready as his friend when he returns...she looked like she was trying to hide something.....but kept saying..."you need to move on from him".
Yes, of course, she's right. He IS sick...and NO, I don't think anymore that she is trying to get him away from me...that is pure weird codie fantasy...she doesn't "like him"...that's so high school thinking, I could just kick my own ass that I even thought that.
However, when we codie folks are put in a position to be left out (aka -classic abandonment, rejection and all of that stuff that adds to our low self esteem) this kind of crap spews from our heads, right?
My head knows she's right...but it's taking my heart a while to catch up!
: (
rivka
I was called on it today.
The (addict and my) "mutual friend" went to visit him in rehab yesterday, as she was there for another friend (popular place this rehab center).
I asked if she saw him, and she said yes, but that even after 1 1/2 weeks he is still detoxing pretty bad and looks awful.
I told her I've seen him look awful, like when I helped him come down from his painkiller episode a couple months ago...and we went away for the weekend so he could sleep and get it out of his system....yes, I doted on him, getting him nutritious food, water, juice etc...and she reminded me that I should have dropped him off at a hospital...not coddled him. (OK, that was before I found SR).
She, who is 7 yrs sober, calls me out on my feelings for him, though I say (and thought I believed, I was moving forward).
I asked if she sent my regards, and she told me "yes, I told him you are concerned about him and wish him well" and she said his response was that he didn't want to see anyone, and hopes no one knows about where he is....she went on to say that "she knows I have feelings for him and if I don't move on I'm going to get hurt"...She repeated how I'm going to get hurt several times....which makes me think he said something negative about me...but if I focus on that, it will kill me.
I told her that I can try to put the feelings aside and just be his friend, but she insisted that as he is pretty sick "in his disease" it will be a long time until he can be my friend.....and called me out again on how I can't do that...YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM AND IT'S NOT GOOD. HE'S SICK. YOU ARE GOING TO GET HURT. and said she doesn't feel comfortable talking about this anymore with me....I guess he was adamant about no one knowing, so I will honor that and her commitment to his privacy.
I told her I'm working on my Codie issues, and hope to be ready as his friend when he returns...she looked like she was trying to hide something.....but kept saying..."you need to move on from him".
Yes, of course, she's right. He IS sick...and NO, I don't think anymore that she is trying to get him away from me...that is pure weird codie fantasy...she doesn't "like him"...that's so high school thinking, I could just kick my own ass that I even thought that.
However, when we codie folks are put in a position to be left out (aka -classic abandonment, rejection and all of that stuff that adds to our low self esteem) this kind of crap spews from our heads, right?
My head knows she's right...but it's taking my heart a while to catch up!
: (
rivka
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Sweetie, as long as you keep focusing on what he MAY have said, what he MAY think, you are going to drive yourself crazy.
Please try to focus on the facts. He is in rehab. He has not contacted you. He has told your mutual friend that he doesn't want anyone coming to see him. While he is working on recovery, the last thing he needs to even think about is a relationship.
I'm not trying to sound harsh. I just remember spending YEARS on someone who was not emotionally available for a relationship and I did exactly what you are doing now. I read something into what anyone told me about him. I tried to read his mind. I totally focused on him....so much that I didn't spend near enough time with my mom, who died while I was seeing him. He adored her but didn't go to her funeral because he'd been at the lake with another woman the day before, got drunk and had a hangover. And I stayed with him for several more years.
Everyone tried to tell me to stop focusing on him. I knew I was a codie, but didn't really want to do anything about it because it was what was "comfortable" for me. I went on to 2 more relationships with addicts.
I am almost 47 years old, and I am just now working on why I get obsessed with men who cannot be there for me. I just don't want to see anyone else going down the long, long road I've been on.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Please try to focus on the facts. He is in rehab. He has not contacted you. He has told your mutual friend that he doesn't want anyone coming to see him. While he is working on recovery, the last thing he needs to even think about is a relationship.
I'm not trying to sound harsh. I just remember spending YEARS on someone who was not emotionally available for a relationship and I did exactly what you are doing now. I read something into what anyone told me about him. I tried to read his mind. I totally focused on him....so much that I didn't spend near enough time with my mom, who died while I was seeing him. He adored her but didn't go to her funeral because he'd been at the lake with another woman the day before, got drunk and had a hangover. And I stayed with him for several more years.
Everyone tried to tell me to stop focusing on him. I knew I was a codie, but didn't really want to do anything about it because it was what was "comfortable" for me. I went on to 2 more relationships with addicts.
I am almost 47 years old, and I am just now working on why I get obsessed with men who cannot be there for me. I just don't want to see anyone else going down the long, long road I've been on.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Posts: 84
"Everyone tried to tell me to stop focusing on him. I knew I was a codie, but didn't really want to do anything about it because it was what was "comfortable" for me. I went on to 2 more relationships with addicts"
This hit home for me.
Thanks so much.
rivka
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