Remind me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Remind me
Ok, so I remind me that I am strong and that living with an addict is worse than being alone. The kids have been gone with Dad for 2 nights now. I knew that I would be away from them when I made the decision that I was not going to stay in the marriage any more. I didn't bargain for the fact that they would not even speak to me.
My youngest just came in the house to get something, ignored me except for the fact that she needed to ask where her shoes were. Asked me one snotty question and left. Called me two minutes later to say, "Dad's coming back to get more of his stuff, so wanted to let you know."
Last night I went out to dinner with my Mom and inadvertently locked all the doors... I know I should lock up anyways, but I rarely do. Of course they came by to get something and promptly called me to say, "nice, Mom... lock us out." They managed to get in anyways and left me a snotty note on the fridge.
Do I just ignore it. Do I seriously lock the doors and say call me before you come here. Do I say, Stay away! Of course, Dad is doing nothing to help the relationship with kids. He is the most immature, selfish, ****ard. Ok, if he wants to hurt me, great... but what this is doing to the kids and the behavior being modeled. Not that he ever behaved in a mature responsible way, but the kids love him.
I need help to get through this day. Please.
My youngest just came in the house to get something, ignored me except for the fact that she needed to ask where her shoes were. Asked me one snotty question and left. Called me two minutes later to say, "Dad's coming back to get more of his stuff, so wanted to let you know."
Last night I went out to dinner with my Mom and inadvertently locked all the doors... I know I should lock up anyways, but I rarely do. Of course they came by to get something and promptly called me to say, "nice, Mom... lock us out." They managed to get in anyways and left me a snotty note on the fridge.
Do I just ignore it. Do I seriously lock the doors and say call me before you come here. Do I say, Stay away! Of course, Dad is doing nothing to help the relationship with kids. He is the most immature, selfish, ****ard. Ok, if he wants to hurt me, great... but what this is doing to the kids and the behavior being modeled. Not that he ever behaved in a mature responsible way, but the kids love him.
I need help to get through this day. Please.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((imalright))
Great big hugs. This is hard. I know. When I split with my kids father, I made the decision that no matter what he had done, no matter what he was, no matter what, that I would never talk bad about him or try to explain in detail the "why" if it put him in a negative light to his kids. I figured that they should have the chance to form their own opinions of their dad without my influence. It was really hard at first. They blamed me. I was the one messing up their whole lives. All I could do is be there for them and let them vent. I did have to set my foot down when it became disrespectful.
On the other hand, he was saying every bad thing in the world that he could about me to them, feeding their desire to blame someone, me.
I was taking the high road, and I knew in my heart that what I was doing was the right thing to do, for my kids sake, even though it hurt me terribly.
It didn't take long, once the kids saw me smiling and laughing again, pretty soon they started recognizing inconsistancies with what their Dad was saying and what reality was, within months, they went from why did you do this to Daddy to how much nicer it was around the house without all the tension and fighting. One even got real upset with himself because he was glad his dad wasn't living with us any more, and he felt horrible for those feelings.
Through it all, I had to keep reminding myself, no matter how much it hurt, that I was the only adult in the situation, it was my responsibility to do what was right for myself and for the kids.
In time they made their own opinions of their Dad. It was based on their own experiences. I hated to see them hurt when eventually his actions affected them in a similar way that they had affected me, but when that happened, they turned to me and leaned on me, because they knew then, what I had gone through, they figured it out on their own.
What you are doing, is hard and my hat is off to you. You are doing what is the best thing for your whole family, in time your kids will realize that. I know it doesn't help the pain you feel now, but just know that your kids still love you, and you are a hero in my eyes.
Hugs and Prayers
B
Great big hugs. This is hard. I know. When I split with my kids father, I made the decision that no matter what he had done, no matter what he was, no matter what, that I would never talk bad about him or try to explain in detail the "why" if it put him in a negative light to his kids. I figured that they should have the chance to form their own opinions of their dad without my influence. It was really hard at first. They blamed me. I was the one messing up their whole lives. All I could do is be there for them and let them vent. I did have to set my foot down when it became disrespectful.
On the other hand, he was saying every bad thing in the world that he could about me to them, feeding their desire to blame someone, me.
I was taking the high road, and I knew in my heart that what I was doing was the right thing to do, for my kids sake, even though it hurt me terribly.
It didn't take long, once the kids saw me smiling and laughing again, pretty soon they started recognizing inconsistancies with what their Dad was saying and what reality was, within months, they went from why did you do this to Daddy to how much nicer it was around the house without all the tension and fighting. One even got real upset with himself because he was glad his dad wasn't living with us any more, and he felt horrible for those feelings.
Through it all, I had to keep reminding myself, no matter how much it hurt, that I was the only adult in the situation, it was my responsibility to do what was right for myself and for the kids.
In time they made their own opinions of their Dad. It was based on their own experiences. I hated to see them hurt when eventually his actions affected them in a similar way that they had affected me, but when that happened, they turned to me and leaned on me, because they knew then, what I had gone through, they figured it out on their own.
What you are doing, is hard and my hat is off to you. You are doing what is the best thing for your whole family, in time your kids will realize that. I know it doesn't help the pain you feel now, but just know that your kids still love you, and you are a hero in my eyes.
Hugs and Prayers
B
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
ditto what " frankly" said.
understand that although its the right move, the adjustment for all will be hard. And even if it's your idea, this is a hard time for you and you have a right to feel sad about it all. ( Don't let anyone stick in the trap of, " well this was my idea so I don't have a right to feel poorly"). You are learning how to be without a spouse. No matter how bad it was there is still adjustment. Then you have to learn how to be completely alone when your children are not there. (The loneliness was the biggest obstacle for me.) Then you have to rely so strongly on faith when they are out of site and know you are not in control of all that's going on over at the other house.
In time they will understand why it didn't work but they'll never be happy about it. But they will understand they can still have a happy life, that none of this is their fault, that mom can be a happy and fun place as well as a safe and secure haven.This is the road they will travel to if you decide not to play his games and do the right thing even if it seems easier and more immediately satisfying at the time to play it his way.
In the meantime, as hard as it seems to be, take the time away from your children as "YOU" time. Go to movies they wouldn't like. visit with Friends, take a bubble bath with great music blaring and candles ( my favorite "all about Me" escape). Start a new hobby or exercise routine. ( I started playing the guitar, something I know my husband would sit in another room to escape from). Anything that can be all about you and is separate from all of this struggle.
you are doing good! It gets better as you get stronger.
:praying
understand that although its the right move, the adjustment for all will be hard. And even if it's your idea, this is a hard time for you and you have a right to feel sad about it all. ( Don't let anyone stick in the trap of, " well this was my idea so I don't have a right to feel poorly"). You are learning how to be without a spouse. No matter how bad it was there is still adjustment. Then you have to learn how to be completely alone when your children are not there. (The loneliness was the biggest obstacle for me.) Then you have to rely so strongly on faith when they are out of site and know you are not in control of all that's going on over at the other house.
In time they will understand why it didn't work but they'll never be happy about it. But they will understand they can still have a happy life, that none of this is their fault, that mom can be a happy and fun place as well as a safe and secure haven.This is the road they will travel to if you decide not to play his games and do the right thing even if it seems easier and more immediately satisfying at the time to play it his way.
In the meantime, as hard as it seems to be, take the time away from your children as "YOU" time. Go to movies they wouldn't like. visit with Friends, take a bubble bath with great music blaring and candles ( my favorite "all about Me" escape). Start a new hobby or exercise routine. ( I started playing the guitar, something I know my husband would sit in another room to escape from). Anything that can be all about you and is separate from all of this struggle.
you are doing good! It gets better as you get stronger.
:praying
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Thanks. I am so tired of crying. I am so tired of hurting, but I know I couldn't survive if I stayed in the marriage. Dad was just here to get more stuff. My son was with him. He was rude, disrespectful and mean. He came into my house and started doing and saying things just to make me angry.
I told him and his father that if he was going to be in my house, he need to be respectful and not do things simply to **** me off. I told them both that he could either stop and/or Dad could make him stop or I would lock the doors and neither of them would be allowed back in until the lunacy stopped.
Son said, "Oh, yeah, I will be back in about 20 minutes, so what are you going to do about it?" Dad didn't stop him. This is insane. I didn't do anything. I don't now how to stop the pain and function given the situation.
Dad will not work with me to say when the kids are coming here or staying there.... letting them call the shots. If I ask what is happening, he makes it look like I am too busy for the kids and don't want them here. BUT... when they want something, they take for granted they are just going to come back into my house, treat me like **it and that I will jump through hoops and do what I am supposed to do.
God help me. I am praying my fool head off and I am at the end of my rope... but again.
I told him and his father that if he was going to be in my house, he need to be respectful and not do things simply to **** me off. I told them both that he could either stop and/or Dad could make him stop or I would lock the doors and neither of them would be allowed back in until the lunacy stopped.
Son said, "Oh, yeah, I will be back in about 20 minutes, so what are you going to do about it?" Dad didn't stop him. This is insane. I didn't do anything. I don't now how to stop the pain and function given the situation.
Dad will not work with me to say when the kids are coming here or staying there.... letting them call the shots. If I ask what is happening, he makes it look like I am too busy for the kids and don't want them here. BUT... when they want something, they take for granted they are just going to come back into my house, treat me like **it and that I will jump through hoops and do what I am supposed to do.
God help me. I am praying my fool head off and I am at the end of my rope... but again.
Guest
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 2,968
Hi,
Personally what I have had to do when my son was active in
addiction was to change the locks..think of it this way,
you pay for the house, the utilities, the phone etc, you
choose who comes or goes..this is your place of santuary
and they have made their own choices.
Since they are being disrespectful to you on this level shows
their lack of empathy and that your husbands behavior is rubbing
off on them. Stick to your boundaries, no one needs to be
challenged .. I'm sure you wouldn't take this from a stranger.
It does hurt immensely and it goes deep when our own children
treat us so badly..keep yourself protected as many understand
and in time your children may as well. Cry then dry your tears,
they need maturity and reality to see the big picture ..this will
come perhaps in the future..for now forgive them and move on
to a peaceful place in your life..
Personally what I have had to do when my son was active in
addiction was to change the locks..think of it this way,
you pay for the house, the utilities, the phone etc, you
choose who comes or goes..this is your place of santuary
and they have made their own choices.
Since they are being disrespectful to you on this level shows
their lack of empathy and that your husbands behavior is rubbing
off on them. Stick to your boundaries, no one needs to be
challenged .. I'm sure you wouldn't take this from a stranger.
It does hurt immensely and it goes deep when our own children
treat us so badly..keep yourself protected as many understand
and in time your children may as well. Cry then dry your tears,
they need maturity and reality to see the big picture ..this will
come perhaps in the future..for now forgive them and move on
to a peaceful place in your life..
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