Someone that helps!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
Someone that helps!
I work in a truck-stop type restaurant while going to school and have made 'friends' with a lot of the regulars. One of them T, and I get along so well. I've seen him twice a week for two years now, I've met his wife, I even brought him coffee back from Italy when I went.
Anyways, the other day he asked me to bum a smoke (he's trying so hard to quit) and we got talking and the topic of RAH came up. I knew that T is in AA and he explained to me how he's now 12 years sober and still goes to AA and NA meetings. He shared with me a couple of things that still bring tears to my eyes, because he's the first person IRL that has understood me. So I thought I'd share them...
1. "You're going to be out, having a normal day when your husband will see someone from AA. They might step aside and talk for a while. It's ok to be pissed off that it's creeping in on 'your' time. But, it's going to make your husband and that person feel better...but it's still ok to be upset"
That is so true! It's happened already and I did get upset. It was so nice to hear that that was ok
2. "There's going to be times when your husband says 'I need a meeting' and it's going to be hard cause you want to be the one that he needs, not them, but it's better for both of you"
3. "It's ok to work through your emotions, you might be mad or upset, or hurt, you're both going to work through a lot of emotions but you're going to find out who your husband really is, the person he really is, not who he's showing you."
Throughout our conversation he kept repeating "I'm not trying to preach. If you have questions go ahead and ask, but you don't have to take any advice I give, it's just what worked for me"
It was like having so many of you personified!
Anyways, the other day he asked me to bum a smoke (he's trying so hard to quit) and we got talking and the topic of RAH came up. I knew that T is in AA and he explained to me how he's now 12 years sober and still goes to AA and NA meetings. He shared with me a couple of things that still bring tears to my eyes, because he's the first person IRL that has understood me. So I thought I'd share them...
1. "You're going to be out, having a normal day when your husband will see someone from AA. They might step aside and talk for a while. It's ok to be pissed off that it's creeping in on 'your' time. But, it's going to make your husband and that person feel better...but it's still ok to be upset"
That is so true! It's happened already and I did get upset. It was so nice to hear that that was ok
2. "There's going to be times when your husband says 'I need a meeting' and it's going to be hard cause you want to be the one that he needs, not them, but it's better for both of you"
3. "It's ok to work through your emotions, you might be mad or upset, or hurt, you're both going to work through a lot of emotions but you're going to find out who your husband really is, the person he really is, not who he's showing you."
Throughout our conversation he kept repeating "I'm not trying to preach. If you have questions go ahead and ask, but you don't have to take any advice I give, it's just what worked for me"
It was like having so many of you personified!
Last edited by tryingtofly; 07-04-2008 at 07:06 PM. Reason: bad grammar!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
What he told you is so true. I don't usu. post in this forum, because I'm an addict. We see a lot of break-ups in early recovery at NA from significant others who can't or won't tolerate meetings (my b/f used to call them "cheatings" which they were not). I always think that these breakups are happening because everything changes when people get sober. Or because we've already screwed too much up while we were active addicts to ever repair the relationship.
I'm not gonna say cheating doesn't ever happen among recovering addicts, but I honestly think that the people who cheat at NA/AA would have done it anyway wherever, at work, or the bar, or wherever else they used to hang. And jealousy about meetings is understandable, but we do need our meetings and sober associates to stay clean. I hope you all can tolerate it for your AH/AW's sake. I know, we're often more trouble than we're worth.
kj
I'm not gonna say cheating doesn't ever happen among recovering addicts, but I honestly think that the people who cheat at NA/AA would have done it anyway wherever, at work, or the bar, or wherever else they used to hang. And jealousy about meetings is understandable, but we do need our meetings and sober associates to stay clean. I hope you all can tolerate it for your AH/AW's sake. I know, we're often more trouble than we're worth.
kj
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I was one of the ones who resented my boyfriend's extended absences due to daily AA meetings and extended daily phone conversations with his sponsor, so I thought I'd give you my perspective, KJ.
My boyfriend drank on a daily basis throughout our 25-year relationship, so he was unavailable to me on a daily basis for years. Then he began a recovery program and spent every spare minute of his time attending AA meetings or speaking with his sponsor. This didn't go on for a week or two; it went on for months. AA had replaced his drinking all right and it became his new addiction. Apparently, that's the premise of the program: replacing an unhealthy addiction with a healthy addiction. But it's only healthy for the addict. Their partners are still getting the short end of the stick!
So while he was trying to get sober, he was still unavailable to me. I know you say you need your partner's support to help you get sober, but I was giving all my support to a partner who never gave me anything in return. It was a one-sided relationship. Once I realized that drunk or sober, my boyfriend would be emotionally unavailable for me, I booked. And I imagine lots of women do at that point, too.
Everyone has their breaking point. Mine was the realization that, drunk or sober, a relationship with an alcoholic or a recovering alcoholic is a one-sided relationship. One reaps all the benefits and the other just waits around hoping one day they'll have a partner.
That's no way to live.
I'm glad you're here and posting on our forum. It helps me to view the situation from the addict's perspective. That's something my boyfriend never shared with me.
My boyfriend drank on a daily basis throughout our 25-year relationship, so he was unavailable to me on a daily basis for years. Then he began a recovery program and spent every spare minute of his time attending AA meetings or speaking with his sponsor. This didn't go on for a week or two; it went on for months. AA had replaced his drinking all right and it became his new addiction. Apparently, that's the premise of the program: replacing an unhealthy addiction with a healthy addiction. But it's only healthy for the addict. Their partners are still getting the short end of the stick!
So while he was trying to get sober, he was still unavailable to me. I know you say you need your partner's support to help you get sober, but I was giving all my support to a partner who never gave me anything in return. It was a one-sided relationship. Once I realized that drunk or sober, my boyfriend would be emotionally unavailable for me, I booked. And I imagine lots of women do at that point, too.
Everyone has their breaking point. Mine was the realization that, drunk or sober, a relationship with an alcoholic or a recovering alcoholic is a one-sided relationship. One reaps all the benefits and the other just waits around hoping one day they'll have a partner.
That's no way to live.
I'm glad you're here and posting on our forum. It helps me to view the situation from the addict's perspective. That's something my boyfriend never shared with me.
Last edited by FormerDoormat; 07-05-2008 at 07:38 PM.
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
Walking copy of the Big Book
That's what we (in AA) call people like that chap - you can say that to him too! We say, you may be the only walking copy of the Big Book another will ever see.
People like that man make me proud (if I can say that) to be a member of AA.
People like that man make me proud (if I can say that) to be a member of AA.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
Originally Posted by kj3880 
What he told you is so true. I don't usu. post in this forum, because I'm an addict. We see a lot of break-ups in early recovery at NA from significant others who can't or won't tolerate meetings (my b/f used to call them "cheatings" which they were not). I always think that these breakups are happening because everything changes when people get sober. Or because we've already screwed too much up while we were active addicts to ever repair the relationship.
I'm not gonna say cheating doesn't ever happen among recovering addicts, but I honestly think that the people who cheat at NA/AA would have done it anyway wherever, at work, or the bar, or wherever else they used to hang. And jealousy about meetings is understandable, but we do need our meetings and sober associates to stay clean. I hope you all can tolerate it for your AH/AW's sake. I know, we're often more trouble than we're worth.
kj
I'm not gonna say cheating doesn't ever happen among recovering addicts, but I honestly think that the people who cheat at NA/AA would have done it anyway wherever, at work, or the bar, or wherever else they used to hang. And jealousy about meetings is understandable, but we do need our meetings and sober associates to stay clean. I hope you all can tolerate it for your AH/AW's sake. I know, we're often more trouble than we're worth.
kj
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
