First (and long) post...had to get this out of my head.
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First (and long) post...had to get this out of my head.
Hello. Thanks to anyone who’s reading this...I know its a big one!
***Trigger Warning: it contains talk of drugs, sex and self harm.
So here goes:
I was sexually abused from being two until I was eleven. My alcoholic dad physically abused me and one of my two bother’s often, then he took my borther and abandoned me when I was ten. Before that I lived with my grandma until she died and I was then put in a behavioural unit for kids because the sexual abuse and my grandma’s death became too much, but no one knew i was being sexually abused. I was then sent, after my dad had gone, to live with my annorexic mum and eldest brother, who was suicidal, alcoholic and a drug user.
I was expelled from high school when I was twelve and My mum kept kicking me out. I slept at friends places or on the streets until My mum signed the estrangement papers just before I was fifteen.
I took drugs and I was, by then, alcoholic.
When I was fifteen I was raped while sleeping rough. I didnt tell anyone. When I was raped I suddenly remembered the sexual abuse I suffered in childhood. Previous to that night I had completely blocked it out.
Although I got accepted in to a school program, got a job modelling for a small agency and managed to get in to college afterwards, I was ‘of no fixed abode’, alcoholic and I’d started using amphetimine daily. The agency eventually struck me off. I was bulimic by then and had so many scars from self harm I had perminently disfigured my right arm and had suffered seventeen broken bones because of the memories of sexual abuse: I had flash backs, could never sleep, kept rememerbing more, had panic attacks, mood swings and got in to fist fights a lot.
At college the tutors knew I was drunk, on drugs etc, but they supported me and I got through. I even got into university.
I moved to London when I was eighteen to start my degree and try and for a new start.
In london I met my partner and I was doing better, but then a friend died suddenly of cancer. I’d had seven mates in three years die so death wasnt anything new, but his death happened when I was sober enough to register it. After that I drank so hard I suffered liver failure, kidney failure, septacemia and was rushed in to hospital and kept there, twice. The docotrs told me I was going to die if i carried on drinking etc.
My new partner was struggling too. He struggled to handle my behaviour, and he was struggling with his own demons; he started using heroin and crack cocaine.
I got off the drink but then I was left with the flash backs etc of the sexual abuse. I couldnt stand to be touched. I replaced alcohol with heroin and eventually I was shooting up three or four bags a day, so was my partner.
So...I might as well say it: I’m a heroin addict.
I last used heroin on: 30/may/08
...but I have only stayed clean because I left London, and I haven’t gone back yet. I came to stay with a friend where I dont have access to heroin.
All my life people have told me how strong I am, how they wish they could be as confident and fearless as me. I’ve spent my entire life carving this image that I’m some indestructable person who can deal wiht anything, but the reality is I've wasted my whole life avoiding what actually scares me.
You're still reading? Wow...and thanks lol
***Trigger Warning: it contains talk of drugs, sex and self harm.
So here goes:
I was sexually abused from being two until I was eleven. My alcoholic dad physically abused me and one of my two bother’s often, then he took my borther and abandoned me when I was ten. Before that I lived with my grandma until she died and I was then put in a behavioural unit for kids because the sexual abuse and my grandma’s death became too much, but no one knew i was being sexually abused. I was then sent, after my dad had gone, to live with my annorexic mum and eldest brother, who was suicidal, alcoholic and a drug user.
I was expelled from high school when I was twelve and My mum kept kicking me out. I slept at friends places or on the streets until My mum signed the estrangement papers just before I was fifteen.
I took drugs and I was, by then, alcoholic.
When I was fifteen I was raped while sleeping rough. I didnt tell anyone. When I was raped I suddenly remembered the sexual abuse I suffered in childhood. Previous to that night I had completely blocked it out.
Although I got accepted in to a school program, got a job modelling for a small agency and managed to get in to college afterwards, I was ‘of no fixed abode’, alcoholic and I’d started using amphetimine daily. The agency eventually struck me off. I was bulimic by then and had so many scars from self harm I had perminently disfigured my right arm and had suffered seventeen broken bones because of the memories of sexual abuse: I had flash backs, could never sleep, kept rememerbing more, had panic attacks, mood swings and got in to fist fights a lot.
At college the tutors knew I was drunk, on drugs etc, but they supported me and I got through. I even got into university.
I moved to London when I was eighteen to start my degree and try and for a new start.
In london I met my partner and I was doing better, but then a friend died suddenly of cancer. I’d had seven mates in three years die so death wasnt anything new, but his death happened when I was sober enough to register it. After that I drank so hard I suffered liver failure, kidney failure, septacemia and was rushed in to hospital and kept there, twice. The docotrs told me I was going to die if i carried on drinking etc.
My new partner was struggling too. He struggled to handle my behaviour, and he was struggling with his own demons; he started using heroin and crack cocaine.
I got off the drink but then I was left with the flash backs etc of the sexual abuse. I couldnt stand to be touched. I replaced alcohol with heroin and eventually I was shooting up three or four bags a day, so was my partner.
So...I might as well say it: I’m a heroin addict.
I last used heroin on: 30/may/08
...but I have only stayed clean because I left London, and I haven’t gone back yet. I came to stay with a friend where I dont have access to heroin.
All my life people have told me how strong I am, how they wish they could be as confident and fearless as me. I’ve spent my entire life carving this image that I’m some indestructable person who can deal wiht anything, but the reality is I've wasted my whole life avoiding what actually scares me.
You're still reading? Wow...and thanks lol
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Thanks guys. I appreciate it. Feels good to be able to have said all that, finally. I hope you guys are doing well too.
Last edited by tsukiko; 07-04-2008 at 04:24 PM.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
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Welcome to SR-Glad that you found and us hope that you stick around! 
Powerful posts and in the end it is a positive thing to pat yourself on the back
for your clean time!
There is a lot of support here-Check out our other forums and also take a look
at the stickies on the top of the forums as they contain a wealth of information!
Great choices something to keep moving forward with!
Powerful posts and in the end it is a positive thing to pat yourself on the back
for your clean time!
There is a lot of support here-Check out our other forums and also take a look
at the stickies on the top of the forums as they contain a wealth of information!
Great choices something to keep moving forward with!
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Another thank you to you all for reading and replying to my post. Its surprising how scary yet soothing saying all that was, and I appreciate your encouragement. Its so nice not to be judged, its helps me to not judge myself and to just keep trying.
I just cant bear letting people down, no matter who they are. When i first left London to stay with my mate and had got clean people asked how it was going and I just kept doing my usual thing of saying 'yeah, I'm great, thats all behind me now. Forget about it.' because I didnt want to worry them and I hate the fact they ask...it just re-enforces what I am and what I think they think of me. So now they dont ask because I've told them not to and I feel like I'm going crazy. I've taken two new jobs to keep occupied while I'm here and I clean and cook and smile and laugh...but I'm so tired. I dont know what to do to make everything ok, or whether what I am doing is right. I've got to go back home, to London, in a month and if I feel like this then...well I'll never stay clean.
I dont know. I cant explain it. Thanks for your replies though, they mean a lot and I hope you're all well.
I'll explore the forums more when I get in from work, best wishes.
I just cant bear letting people down, no matter who they are. When i first left London to stay with my mate and had got clean people asked how it was going and I just kept doing my usual thing of saying 'yeah, I'm great, thats all behind me now. Forget about it.' because I didnt want to worry them and I hate the fact they ask...it just re-enforces what I am and what I think they think of me. So now they dont ask because I've told them not to and I feel like I'm going crazy. I've taken two new jobs to keep occupied while I'm here and I clean and cook and smile and laugh...but I'm so tired. I dont know what to do to make everything ok, or whether what I am doing is right. I've got to go back home, to London, in a month and if I feel like this then...well I'll never stay clean.
I dont know. I cant explain it. Thanks for your replies though, they mean a lot and I hope you're all well.
I'll explore the forums more when I get in from work, best wishes.
Last edited by tsukiko; 07-05-2008 at 04:25 AM.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
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Originally Posted by tsukiko 
All my life people have told me how strong I am, how they wish they could be as confident and fearless as me. I’ve spent my entire life carving this image that I’m some indestructable person who can deal wiht anything, but the reality is I've wasted my whole life avoiding what actually scares me.
You're still reading? Wow...and thanks lol
You're still reading? Wow...and thanks lol
course i'm still reading. your words jumped into me and now i'm both smiling and being sad all at the same time. i know you understand what i mean. such a sad powerful post and the last words are: lol
thanks for that. the ying and the yang of life.
"this image that I’m some indestructable person who can deal wiht anything" -- yeah and thanks for that too. thats me. sometimes my life gets stuck in a phonebooth and then i do the clarkkent/superman trick to get me out and free again. the struggles of a free life i guess. no pain no gain.
you got to kick that addiction monster down dead. F**king dead. your a beautiful person to have had such a sour life, and still share so sweetly. you can do it... just don't pick up... and don't be alone... and you'll find a path that saves you.
Robby
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Medina, Ohio
Posts: 372
TSU,
Moving story, my heart goes out to you! Your Courage in the face of adversity is admirable as is your Sobriety. I recommend some form of 12 step program/support group to help you stay sober. You've already completed step 1, admitting you are powerless over your addiction! Congratulations and I know that you CAN start LIVING again! God Bless You,
John
Moving story, my heart goes out to you! Your Courage in the face of adversity is admirable as is your Sobriety. I recommend some form of 12 step program/support group to help you stay sober. You've already completed step 1, admitting you are powerless over your addiction! Congratulations and I know that you CAN start LIVING again! God Bless You,
John
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I keep saying it, bit a big thank you to you all. 
And thanks to Robby, the idea of being in a phonebooth and superman/Clark Kent is something I can really identify with...that's a great way of wording it.
In reply to 22NGONE: I was offered drug counselling(sp) when I was last at the doctors because I had to show them my arms because I had a blood clot and some vein problems. I said no to the help because I wouldn't admit I had a problem then. I am considering ttrying for some counselling(sp) when i go back to London. My partner tried to get me in to it a while ago because of my behaviour more than my addiction. My partner has a key worker and is on a subutex script, but it hasn't seemed to do him much good unfortunatly. I dont want to end up on subutex...or methadone. Everyone I've known on methadone has either returned to gear or has ended up stuck on methadone for years with no way out. Plus, I had a firend die due to an accidental methadone OD and she was only trying to get better. If I'm going to do this I want to be totally clean.
After pouring my thoughts out on here I went to work (tired because I'm still struggling with sleep) and had a really great day. My boss was really impressed with me. Its days like these that make me want to stay in this world, be apart of society, instead of constantly hang at the fringes.
Much appreciated guys.
And thanks to Robby, the idea of being in a phonebooth and superman/Clark Kent is something I can really identify with...that's a great way of wording it.In reply to 22NGONE: I was offered drug counselling(sp) when I was last at the doctors because I had to show them my arms because I had a blood clot and some vein problems. I said no to the help because I wouldn't admit I had a problem then. I am considering ttrying for some counselling(sp) when i go back to London. My partner tried to get me in to it a while ago because of my behaviour more than my addiction. My partner has a key worker and is on a subutex script, but it hasn't seemed to do him much good unfortunatly. I dont want to end up on subutex...or methadone. Everyone I've known on methadone has either returned to gear or has ended up stuck on methadone for years with no way out. Plus, I had a firend die due to an accidental methadone OD and she was only trying to get better. If I'm going to do this I want to be totally clean.
After pouring my thoughts out on here I went to work (tired because I'm still struggling with sleep) and had a really great day. My boss was really impressed with me. Its days like these that make me want to stay in this world, be apart of society, instead of constantly hang at the fringes.
Much appreciated guys.
Last edited by tsukiko; 07-05-2008 at 11:22 AM.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
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Originally Posted by tsukiko
Its days like these that make me want to stay in this world, be apart of society, instead of constantly hang at the fringes.
Much appreciated guys.
Much appreciated guys.
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anyone able to survive what you have........and still have the strength to turn your life around......is definately needed in this world. so yeah......stick around
I'm so glad it's going good for you. I hope you are able to deal with the past and keep moving forward. I'm thinking you have much to offer.
welcome to SR and hopefully we'll be hearing more from you, and how you're doing.
I'm so glad it's going good for you. I hope you are able to deal with the past and keep moving forward. I'm thinking you have much to offer.
welcome to SR and hopefully we'll be hearing more from you, and how you're doing.
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Originally Posted by Klynn33
anyone able to survive what you have........and still have the strength to turn your life around......is definately needed in this world. so yeah......stick around
Heh. it's amazing how quickly hope can turn to despair. D'know, appreciate the words and kind ears. I guess maybe I'm just not ready for them though. I messed up tonight big time. Cant believe it. Cant believe the consequences either. I'm hoping shooting yourself in the foot (metaphorically (sp)) and subsequent self pity are something I'm not alone in feeling, yet if I am then at least no one else feels as stupid and messed up as I do right now.
Its one of those nights when you know you wont sleep and that the next day wont solve anything.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by tsukiko
Heh. it's amazing how quickly hope can turn to despair. D'know, appreciate the words and kind ears. I guess maybe I'm just not ready for them though. I messed up tonight big time. Cant believe it. Cant believe the consequences either. I'm hoping shooting yourself in the foot (metaphorically (sp)) and subsequent self pity are something I'm not alone in feeling, yet if I am then at least no one else feels as stupid and messed up as I do right now.
Its one of those nights when you know you wont sleep and that the next day wont solve anything.
Its one of those nights when you know you wont sleep and that the next day wont solve anything.
yeah ok. so you picked up. well, as your saying above, that didn't help and you know that, and your all ready beating yourself up pretty bad, which goes hand in hand with using. those consequences love to hammer us every chance they get as we all remember. yeah your not alone.
and you posted back! awesome that you reached out! having good fellowship is absolutely required to stay clean. we can stop for a bit on our own, but we need friends we can share with to keep on the path. imo. and so your sharing. awesome.
as for your not ready to hear good from your friends, well i know what you mean but i can't follow you there. i don't have any bad for you so what am i supposed to do? heh.
i am sorry you did the phonebooth and came out the wrong door, but it happens. so another day awakes for us all and its the same thing to start. just don't pickup. don't be alone. share what you got the good, the bad, and the ugly. and get a path to move forward.
your words still bite into me but its a good hurt. i care about you and that's ok, so don't worry about being invincible round here, none of us have to be that strong for each other. am sorry you had a totally bad moment. keep sharing, tsukiko. look again at this whole thread you started. lottsa diamonds in the rough and all you need is some clean time in babe to make it all shine. surf the forums take what you need and leave the rest.
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(Long post again, but pouring all this stuff out actually stops it burrowing into my thoughts so much. So, for anyone who wants to read this...)
Thanks Robby, you’re a wise and patient guy, heh. I am listening to what you’re saying, even if it maybe seems like I’m not. Thank you.
I actually didnt score. I tried to, but my friend realised what I was doing and made it impossible for me to and then told me how dissapointed she was...so I got angry at her for ‘ruining’ the only oppotunity I’d had in weeks, and I tried to get drunk, but I’d only taken so much money out to prevent myself from over drinking ro buying any coke etc. Then a friend introduced me to her ex and he invited me for a joint so I left with him.
I only did it because I couldnt score, couldntget drunk, couldnt escape.
Now I’ve been unfaithful to my partner and he’ll finish me. I need my partner and now I wont have him. I cant lie to him, he knows when I lie and he doesnt stand for it. He’ll try cut off my access to our dealers, and tell our friends not to score for me. He’ll make it hard for me, to make me sorry for doing that. I know what he’ll do because he’s done it before when I’ve hurt him.
I feel bad too for my mate because she let me stay at her place knowing what I am and two days in to me being here her brother, who was a friend of mine, died of an accidental heroin OD. He hadn’t used in years, he was just going through some stuff and shot a bag after getting really drunk and having not used in years. He’s left two little kids who my mate is now looking after with the rest of the family...and here I am in her space screwing myself over any which way.
The guy I went back with wanted to talk, know about me, and he asked too many questions. What guy takes a girl to his apartment to chat?! I kept avoiding the questions, but it just made him more ‘intrigued’ he said. I couldnt finish what I’d started because of it and it made me feel like a complete failure. I couldnt even get that right. He was real sweet, but as soon as he’d fallen asleep i was out of there, but I’m sure he’ll tell his ex (my friend who introduced us) and then she’ll know I went back with him and then lost it and ran out. I mean I couldn’t even get messing up right, and now my friends here will know and no doubt talk / laugh about me amongst themsleves.
I get really paranoid when I'm sober about stuff like that. I know my mates used to talk about me when I was using speed and my drinknig was real bad because they all confronted me together and told me and now I just have these thoughts in my head, like I can picture them talking about me, laughing about how stupid I am. Thing is I know at the same time that they arn't, they wouldn't laugh at me, they're worried, but that's why I tell them everything's ok when it isn't...so they dont talk about me amongst themselves, discuss me. I hate it.
I wish my mate hadn't stopped me; I wish I’d just scored and left. I could’ve scored a few bags and right now I’d still have a partner, a friend, some dignity and I’d be ok.
Thanks Robby, you’re a wise and patient guy, heh. I am listening to what you’re saying, even if it maybe seems like I’m not. Thank you.
I actually didnt score. I tried to, but my friend realised what I was doing and made it impossible for me to and then told me how dissapointed she was...so I got angry at her for ‘ruining’ the only oppotunity I’d had in weeks, and I tried to get drunk, but I’d only taken so much money out to prevent myself from over drinking ro buying any coke etc. Then a friend introduced me to her ex and he invited me for a joint so I left with him.
I only did it because I couldnt score, couldntget drunk, couldnt escape.
Now I’ve been unfaithful to my partner and he’ll finish me. I need my partner and now I wont have him. I cant lie to him, he knows when I lie and he doesnt stand for it. He’ll try cut off my access to our dealers, and tell our friends not to score for me. He’ll make it hard for me, to make me sorry for doing that. I know what he’ll do because he’s done it before when I’ve hurt him.
I feel bad too for my mate because she let me stay at her place knowing what I am and two days in to me being here her brother, who was a friend of mine, died of an accidental heroin OD. He hadn’t used in years, he was just going through some stuff and shot a bag after getting really drunk and having not used in years. He’s left two little kids who my mate is now looking after with the rest of the family...and here I am in her space screwing myself over any which way.
The guy I went back with wanted to talk, know about me, and he asked too many questions. What guy takes a girl to his apartment to chat?! I kept avoiding the questions, but it just made him more ‘intrigued’ he said. I couldnt finish what I’d started because of it and it made me feel like a complete failure. I couldnt even get that right. He was real sweet, but as soon as he’d fallen asleep i was out of there, but I’m sure he’ll tell his ex (my friend who introduced us) and then she’ll know I went back with him and then lost it and ran out. I mean I couldn’t even get messing up right, and now my friends here will know and no doubt talk / laugh about me amongst themsleves.
I get really paranoid when I'm sober about stuff like that. I know my mates used to talk about me when I was using speed and my drinknig was real bad because they all confronted me together and told me and now I just have these thoughts in my head, like I can picture them talking about me, laughing about how stupid I am. Thing is I know at the same time that they arn't, they wouldn't laugh at me, they're worried, but that's why I tell them everything's ok when it isn't...so they dont talk about me amongst themselves, discuss me. I hate it.
I wish my mate hadn't stopped me; I wish I’d just scored and left. I could’ve scored a few bags and right now I’d still have a partner, a friend, some dignity and I’d be ok.
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Thanks again Robby. I told you I listened: 'another day awakes for us all' Well I'm trying to make the most of that, instead of wallowing.
I've just spoken (and apologised) to the mate I'm staying with and she's told me she's not angry at me; she just wants me to get help. She said she can get me in with a doctor here and wants me to really consider asking for some support. Kinda' makes me feel worse because I'm so lucky to have her. My parents abandoned me no matter how hard I tried to be good, yet no matter how bad I am she never has. I know I push her away because I'm scared she'll walk out on me one day, but at the same time I know she wont. She's not like most people. I feel like I should be better for her.
I've messaged the guy I went with as well to say I hope things are cool between us.
...and I'm going to have a quiet night with my mate, and she said she'd try help me figure out what to do next...in terms of being honest with my parnter etc.
I've just spoken (and apologised) to the mate I'm staying with and she's told me she's not angry at me; she just wants me to get help. She said she can get me in with a doctor here and wants me to really consider asking for some support. Kinda' makes me feel worse because I'm so lucky to have her. My parents abandoned me no matter how hard I tried to be good, yet no matter how bad I am she never has. I know I push her away because I'm scared she'll walk out on me one day, but at the same time I know she wont. She's not like most people. I feel like I should be better for her.
I've messaged the guy I went with as well to say I hope things are cool between us.
...and I'm going to have a quiet night with my mate, and she said she'd try help me figure out what to do next...in terms of being honest with my parnter etc.
Last edited by tsukiko; 07-06-2008 at 10:12 AM.
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