Need some insight & support...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Nirvana
Posts: 2
Need some insight & support...
Hello to everyone out there....I finally found this site and have been struggling with someone that I really care about and thought I knew... Several years ago i agreed to let an ex-boyfriend (we dated for 10 years) when we were 15 - 25 yrs. old rent a room in my house. I knew at the time that he was struggling with addiction which I thought was alcohol. I took him to an inpatient rehab and he seemed to be on the road to recovery... fast forward to last year - he told me he was taking "pills", but later he cried to me and admited that he was on crack. I tried to get him help - offering to take him to community services or inpatient detox. He would tell me one day he would go and then when I tried to follow-up, he would blow me off. I finally told him that he needed to move out of my house and discovered he had stolen and forged some of my checks - apparently giving them to other people to hold as "loans" for money. He is now staying with his sister, but ever since I started putting up boundaries (even before he moved out) - he has started to hate me. I found out he has been trashing me behind my back to my neighbors. I have spoken to him on the phone, but he blames me for everything and tells me I'm the one that drove him to do the drugs when we broke up 25 years ago...he tells me that I will feel the worse when he is dead... I know this is a manipulation, but it hurts so much and I've been grieving. This is not the person that I knew 15 years ago and I know I can't save him, but I still feel somewhat guilty... any support or insight would be wonderful.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Ohio
Posts: 233
Welcome...my name is Michelle and I was married to an addict whose drug of choice was crack. I am glad you found this place. Read as much as you can...it will help. There are many people here that are feeling just like you, and it helps to know that you aren't crazy and you are definately not alone!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
I am a recovering crack addict, and a recovering codie (codependent), which is how I met the wonderful people on this forum.
He is blaming you, because he doesn't want to face the fact that his life is where it is because of HIS actions. It is also a way for him to "justify" using...."she did this to me....I have a right to get high". When I was on crack, I could find ANYTHING to justify getting high.
He is also probably angry that you're not playing into his drama (good for you!!!) and that is why he's trashing you to others.
Plain and simple fact....the 3 c's...you did NOT cause it, you can't change it and you can't cure it.
I know all drugs are bad, but I can personally vouch that crack takes total control of your mind. You can't think of anything but getting more. You took away a means of him getting more and he's angry about that.
I can PROMISE you that he did not get into drugs just because you broke up with him years ago. No one has that much power. Today, there is not one person or situation that could make me go back to crack, because I'm in recovery and it is the most important thing in my life. Without it, I don't HAVE a life.
He's not going to get help until his consequences of using force him to. Even then, some people will just spend the rest of their lives going in and out of prison and not learn. My XABF (ex-addict-boyfriend) is like that...he's been doing crack for 30 years and says jail is "just another place".
Stick around...there are some wonderful people here who have been in similar situations.
But, by all means, stick to your boundaries and take care of you.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I am a recovering crack addict, and a recovering codie (codependent), which is how I met the wonderful people on this forum.
He is blaming you, because he doesn't want to face the fact that his life is where it is because of HIS actions. It is also a way for him to "justify" using...."she did this to me....I have a right to get high". When I was on crack, I could find ANYTHING to justify getting high.
He is also probably angry that you're not playing into his drama (good for you!!!) and that is why he's trashing you to others.
Plain and simple fact....the 3 c's...you did NOT cause it, you can't change it and you can't cure it.
I know all drugs are bad, but I can personally vouch that crack takes total control of your mind. You can't think of anything but getting more. You took away a means of him getting more and he's angry about that.
I can PROMISE you that he did not get into drugs just because you broke up with him years ago. No one has that much power. Today, there is not one person or situation that could make me go back to crack, because I'm in recovery and it is the most important thing in my life. Without it, I don't HAVE a life.
He's not going to get help until his consequences of using force him to. Even then, some people will just spend the rest of their lives going in and out of prison and not learn. My XABF (ex-addict-boyfriend) is like that...he's been doing crack for 30 years and says jail is "just another place".
Stick around...there are some wonderful people here who have been in similar situations.
But, by all means, stick to your boundaries and take care of you.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. the 3 c's here are you did not CAUSE it, you can not CONTROL it & you can not CURE it. you are not responsiable for other peoples choices. you have no control over what they do. no reason for u to feel guilty about anything.it is up to you to make yourself happy. let him be. time will tell who u are & what he is. it will only get worse for him & better for you. keep coming back here. we care. prayers,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: punta gorda florida
Posts: 381
Come on...could anybody make you stick a crack pipe in your mouth?...Addict thinking and blaming...don't worry about what he is saying about you...his credibility is nil, anyone that knows you knows the truth...keep your head up, forget about helping him...only he can do that
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: southern cal
Posts: 84
Hi and welcome!
I found SR last week and am so glad to have these fantastic, supportive people here to not only share experiences, but as many of them are "just a step or two ahead of me" in some cases, it allows me to see that there IS a way to move forward and heal or change bad behaviors, or communicate differently, or whatever it is that you wish to take from this support group.
Though you are new here, like me, it helps to send notes also, to empathize with others and forge genuine connections.
Myself, I'm a Codie (co-dependent) who unknowingly enabled my addict guy and was manipulated into giving him money, making excuses for his work absences and a host of other things which I thought were "taking care of him" because of the guilt I felt when NOT doing those things.
The guilt you feel is the textbook typical CODIE behavior that we all need to learn to change.
There is a method called "detaching with love" which in essence is what you began to do with your boundaries, realizing that you care, but need to let go and let him do this for himself, while acknowledging that its NOT because you don't love, but because you DO.
What helps is knowing there are many others here with similar issues that provide comfort and show you the way out of the shadows.
God Bless.
Rivka
I found SR last week and am so glad to have these fantastic, supportive people here to not only share experiences, but as many of them are "just a step or two ahead of me" in some cases, it allows me to see that there IS a way to move forward and heal or change bad behaviors, or communicate differently, or whatever it is that you wish to take from this support group.
Though you are new here, like me, it helps to send notes also, to empathize with others and forge genuine connections.
Myself, I'm a Codie (co-dependent) who unknowingly enabled my addict guy and was manipulated into giving him money, making excuses for his work absences and a host of other things which I thought were "taking care of him" because of the guilt I felt when NOT doing those things.
The guilt you feel is the textbook typical CODIE behavior that we all need to learn to change.
There is a method called "detaching with love" which in essence is what you began to do with your boundaries, realizing that you care, but need to let go and let him do this for himself, while acknowledging that its NOT because you don't love, but because you DO.
What helps is knowing there are many others here with similar issues that provide comfort and show you the way out of the shadows.
God Bless.
Rivka
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Nirvana
Posts: 2
ex-roomie
Amy,
Thank you so much for your reply and insight into my situation. This is one of the most painful things I have ever been through - knowing that someone that I care about is killing himself and I feel so powerless.
One thing I will never understand is how he turned into hating me so much by trashing me to my neighbors and talking so abusively to me - I was the one that was trying to help him! That makes no sense to me! Why would someone trash the very person trying to help them behind their back (me?) We were "friends" for 25 years, we lived together for 8 years...I feel like I am grieving the "old" person and I don't know if I will ever see him again. I know I shouldn't even care after he has stolen from me, etc. but it is hard to just turn my feelings off. Maybe one day I will get a call from him and he will see what he has done?
He cried to me so many times, telling me that he was "ready" to get help... this sounds weird but I really think he wants me to feel sorry for him - that is his mo - that and revenge..
Thanks for listening...
Thank you so much for your reply and insight into my situation. This is one of the most painful things I have ever been through - knowing that someone that I care about is killing himself and I feel so powerless.
One thing I will never understand is how he turned into hating me so much by trashing me to my neighbors and talking so abusively to me - I was the one that was trying to help him! That makes no sense to me! Why would someone trash the very person trying to help them behind their back (me?) We were "friends" for 25 years, we lived together for 8 years...I feel like I am grieving the "old" person and I don't know if I will ever see him again. I know I shouldn't even care after he has stolen from me, etc. but it is hard to just turn my feelings off. Maybe one day I will get a call from him and he will see what he has done?
He cried to me so many times, telling me that he was "ready" to get help... this sounds weird but I really think he wants me to feel sorry for him - that is his mo - that and revenge..
Thanks for listening...
Originally Posted by Impurrfect 
Welcome to SR!
I am a recovering crack addict, and a recovering codie (codependent), which is how I met the wonderful people on this forum.
He is blaming you, because he doesn't want to face the fact that his life is where it is because of HIS actions. It is also a way for him to "justify" using...."she did this to me....I have a right to get high". When I was on crack, I could find ANYTHING to justify getting high.
He is also probably angry that you're not playing into his drama (good for you!!!) and that is why he's trashing you to others.
Plain and simple fact....the 3 c's...you did NOT cause it, you can't change it and you can't cure it.
I know all drugs are bad, but I can personally vouch that crack takes total control of your mind. You can't think of anything but getting more. You took away a means of him getting more and he's angry about that.
I can PROMISE you that he did not get into drugs just because you broke up with him years ago. No one has that much power. Today, there is not one person or situation that could make me go back to crack, because I'm in recovery and it is the most important thing in my life. Without it, I don't HAVE a life.
He's not going to get help until his consequences of using force him to. Even then, some people will just spend the rest of their lives going in and out of prison and not learn. My XABF (ex-addict-boyfriend) is like that...he's been doing crack for 30 years and says jail is "just another place".
Stick around...there are some wonderful people here who have been in similar situations.
But, by all means, stick to your boundaries and take care of you.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I am a recovering crack addict, and a recovering codie (codependent), which is how I met the wonderful people on this forum.
He is blaming you, because he doesn't want to face the fact that his life is where it is because of HIS actions. It is also a way for him to "justify" using...."she did this to me....I have a right to get high". When I was on crack, I could find ANYTHING to justify getting high.
He is also probably angry that you're not playing into his drama (good for you!!!) and that is why he's trashing you to others.
Plain and simple fact....the 3 c's...you did NOT cause it, you can't change it and you can't cure it.
I know all drugs are bad, but I can personally vouch that crack takes total control of your mind. You can't think of anything but getting more. You took away a means of him getting more and he's angry about that.
I can PROMISE you that he did not get into drugs just because you broke up with him years ago. No one has that much power. Today, there is not one person or situation that could make me go back to crack, because I'm in recovery and it is the most important thing in my life. Without it, I don't HAVE a life.
He's not going to get help until his consequences of using force him to. Even then, some people will just spend the rest of their lives going in and out of prison and not learn. My XABF (ex-addict-boyfriend) is like that...he's been doing crack for 30 years and says jail is "just another place".
Stick around...there are some wonderful people here who have been in similar situations.
But, by all means, stick to your boundaries and take care of you.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Sweetie, he doesn't really hate you. He hates HIMSELF and he is taking it out on you.
My XABF had his mom call me once....he was in jail (again) and he wanted me to bond him out. I told her I wouldn't (she was very supportive of me) and she told him, so he had her 3-way-call me. When I told him that I'd told him he'd never get another cent out of me, I meant it....he's never paid me back for ANYTHING he said he would.
His answer "oh, well I'm just an addict, just toss me out". In the old days, that would have had me running to bond him out...didn't want him mad or upset with me. It still hurt, but I just said "yeah, well I'm an addict, too, but I chose to do something about it!"
He just wanted me to feel sorry for him, because in the PAST, those feelings would lead to me doing what he wanted me to....just another form of manipulation.
Don't worry about what he says to other people. Most likely, they know the truth and he is only making himself look bad.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
My XABF had his mom call me once....he was in jail (again) and he wanted me to bond him out. I told her I wouldn't (she was very supportive of me) and she told him, so he had her 3-way-call me. When I told him that I'd told him he'd never get another cent out of me, I meant it....he's never paid me back for ANYTHING he said he would.
His answer "oh, well I'm just an addict, just toss me out". In the old days, that would have had me running to bond him out...didn't want him mad or upset with me. It still hurt, but I just said "yeah, well I'm an addict, too, but I chose to do something about it!"
He just wanted me to feel sorry for him, because in the PAST, those feelings would lead to me doing what he wanted me to....just another form of manipulation.
Don't worry about what he says to other people. Most likely, they know the truth and he is only making himself look bad.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
I felt that I had driven my guy to use drugs.... I would think... if I wasn't in his life... maybe he wouldn't use. I mainly thought that because he used in his mind because he felt that he worked better while high. I had a hard time with the 3 C's.... I knew I couldn't cure it and I knew I couldn't control him, but the cause was my main battle. The 3 C's truly helped me.
As for you I'm glad that you can see that you didn't cause it... and don't even let him allow you to believe that you did! He is his own person that has gotten hold of something that has gotten hold of him.
My guy bashed me so terribly to his friends....... and then his friends got to know me. It didn't add up. Of course he bashed me... I was interfering with him and his use and he had to vent to someone about it, but he couldn't say... "My girlfriend is mad at me because I'm an addict!" Ya know? So ... your guy is most likely doing the same thing. I KNOW how much it hurts because it hurt me too and quite frankly it did make me crazy!
Stick around and keep posting and read (use the search engine on here too... using special buzz words).... and you will find so much help and guidance and most of all support!
((((HUGS))))
As for you I'm glad that you can see that you didn't cause it... and don't even let him allow you to believe that you did! He is his own person that has gotten hold of something that has gotten hold of him.
My guy bashed me so terribly to his friends....... and then his friends got to know me. It didn't add up. Of course he bashed me... I was interfering with him and his use and he had to vent to someone about it, but he couldn't say... "My girlfriend is mad at me because I'm an addict!" Ya know? So ... your guy is most likely doing the same thing. I KNOW how much it hurts because it hurt me too and quite frankly it did make me crazy!
Stick around and keep posting and read (use the search engine on here too... using special buzz words).... and you will find so much help and guidance and most of all support!
((((HUGS))))
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