splendra

When I have a problem with someone I have to get honest with myself and ask if I am seeing some aspect of myself that I detest or loathe.

The same goes if I like some one perhaps they are displaying a quality that I like about me.

"What you think of me is none of my business" there is a book out by that title. It's really true ya know cause everything I think and do is about me not you, it's me.

It is my thinking that gives power to what ever drama is going on in my world. The pain and suffering I go thru is about how I think about my situation many times I have been on automatic when it come to creating my life.

It is the programing that has bugs in it ya know? My mind has programs that were set in childhood that now as an adult I can choose to reject the programs that cause me pain and suffering.

I have wasted a lot of energy trying to make someone either be someone they are not or, blaming someone else for my bad situation. The sooner I take 100% responsibility for my life and affairs the sooner I might be inspired to make a change that is for my highest good.

I have to be honest and see that I am the fool of my life I am the one that makes choices that end up causing me pain. Life is for the living let's live it! Stop blaming others. I think blame is so prevalent in addiction it keeps us stuck or on a path of destruction not only for ourselves either our children are the ones that will pass on our dramas to their children.

Peace has to begin in my own heart. Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me!

HurtByHer

Agreed. I think I could have avoided much pain if I were to make the decision to detach earlier than I did.

Ann

I am so grateful for the gift of recovery that allowed me to learn to live well again, to laugh, to see beauty in every day...to put "life" back into my life...regardless of how my addict is doing.

Splendra, your post shares so much of what I too have learned. Recognizing my part in "the problem" and learning to slowly make changes that brought me to a better life in "the solution" took time, work and a lot of support from wonderful people like you.

It's a privilege to walk beside you on this journey, and a blessing to share our recovery with each other and those just finding the same path.

Hugs

lightseeker

Splendra,

you've nailed it perfectly. Recovery has allowed me to finally take a real look at myself and see in that mirror more clearly. There is absolutely NOTHING that I can do about anyone else - ever. All I can do is change me. Invariably, I have issues regarding denial and perceptions. Somehow I wasn't in line when taking care of yourself was given out when I was little. It's easy for me to believe that I am being unreasonable or asking for too much. It's never too much to be treated respectfully. I've always been quick to put on the victim dress and I am now realizing how ratty the thing has become.

Thanks for the insights in your post - they are great!

hope213

thanks for the post. you are so right. lets live our life to the fullest "no matter what" is going on around us.

splendra

It's hard to stop blaming someone else when they are doing things that bring disharmony to the family. Keeping the focus on what I am doing can at times almost be an impossible feat. I want somebody else to what I won't do. How crazy is that?

I had to come to realize the extent of my own undisciplined obsessing mind and how I was driving myself crazy and making myself sick. I had to make my mind shut up.

How does one do that? You might ask.

Well first I had to become aware of my obsession. I had to admit that it was me making me crazy not someone else. I sat with that one for a while before I decided to take any action.

If I did not have a reference to God I do not think I could have gotten a grip. It was just a little choice one day to check in with God. I decided that I wanted to hear God. I decided to listen to myself for a minute. Oh my God the things going on in my head...I told God what I thought God said He didn't want to hear it...

I asked God to speak to me and He said, "okay then shut up and listen". I was laying on my bed the window was open I heard the wind and the birds it was pleasant. God said," take a one minute vacation with Me". I could hear sweet music the sensation in my body began to change my chest got loose my breathing became deeper and slower my heart slowed down, my jaw loosened, my fist unclenched, my toes relaxed. My eyes were closed I saw light. It seemed kind of like sleep but it was better than sleep.

No tormenting thoughts.... It is great! It is easy to get back there now. I take lots of one minute sometimes two minutes vacations now.

splendra

I am trying to understand what is happening between me and a person at work. All I want is to be able to do my little job do it well and go home. The job is not difficult but, it seems that a person I work with is trying to make it more difficult than it has to be. When ever I am working on a task it seems she just has to come and tell me I need to do it another way or need to be doing something else. It seems like she is trying her level best to sabotage my work and hers in order to make me look bad.

I need my job so much and it is stressing me out. On days that she does not work things go so much better. I really don't know what to do. She has been there for a long time.

I wish she would look in the mirror...If she leaves me alone I do just fine.

ladyamalthea

My husband works with someone like that. And the thing is, this girl is a family friend of the company's owner... so if it's a choice between her and hubby, guess who wins???

All I can say is make sure you keep a paper trail if possible. You may even want to document what she's doing, so that if it comes up you have a log of what's been going on.

Sorry that she's being such a pain. I know that's frustrating.

mooselips

Splendra, this could be a page in a recovery book. You hit it right on the head. Thank you for posting this thread.

Hugs....

Jody Hepler

I have one like that at work - and I've tried everything - bite my tongue until it bleeds, pray for her health-happiness-and prosperity like the Big Book says, just say "ohhhhhh" or "how interesting", stay out of her way, tell her how I feel, don't tell her how I feel, go in the ladies room and cry (isn't that a grown up solution).

Just found out she is on tons of "prescription" drugs - duh!!! Another one in my life. No wonder there are mood swings, goofy behavior, blah, blah, blah. At least now I know it "isn't me". Makes it a little easier to deal with - I just accept she will probably never change.

Recovery tools help me everywhere.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

splendra

I suspect the person that cannot stay off my butt is also a pill popper. That is an impression I get from her.

Just something about how her face is puffy and droopy like she just woke up. She's real mean and impolite to me. It kinda reminds me of when my mom was taking pills to sleep and pills to wake up.

loner1968

I understand and agree with the role I played in my past situation. I always wonder though...would I have made better decesions if I had all the facts? I was in the dark about the extent about my XABF's addiction and all of the things he was doing behind my back. I knew things were not great but of course blamed myself. I hope i know better now. I hate having to think that I brought it all on myself.

splendra

Well I tripped up and let my H's recent relapse get to me. He was doing pretty good at least it seemed that he wasn't using for several months. I made a comment to him while he was high about hoping he would find a way to be gentle with himself.

He started talking about how when he is high I call him all kinds of bad names which I am sure I do not do. He got pretty far out there with this and I just walked away.

I have just left him alone. All week he has been completely miserable. It has been a real challenge to stay out of his way.

Yesterday I did say I was tired of him feeling sorry for himself...oh well back to the drawing board...

splendra

I can see that I still will let people back me down and I still see what others do as a reflection on me.

I feel like I am still standing though I want to still be like water like the silver of the mirror able to keep flowing, able to be whatever is. No judgment...