least

and wondering what is my purpose in life. Recent troubles have got me thinking that my whole life I've sort of 'drifted' without direction or meaning. I'm nearly 57 yrs old and still don't know what I want to do 'when I grow up'. My struggles to get and stay sober are just one indication of a life seemingly squandered. I don't know who I am anymore,not that I ever did.

I'm not expecting any flashes of insight from anyone, just venting my feelings. I don't really know why I'm posting this, just feeling very empty and devoid of direction or purpose. I think back to when I started drinking in March of last year. Hindsight is 20/20 vision, but I had no idea when I started drinking "to relax" that it would turn out so badly.

I seem unable to stand on my own. I need a crutch of some sort to hold me up. I'm sick of feeling so inadequate but don't know what to do with myself. I am afraid of everything, not least of which, I'm afraid of myself. I'm trying to 'find myself' and don't know where to begin looking.

Does anyone else struggle with such feelings? Does anyone else still not know who they are or where they are going, or want to go? I can't be the only person on earth who feels so lost.

Thanks for letting me vent.

:ghug

faith08

im 43 and can understand a lot of what u are feeling--so don't feel alone!!! i never went to college, at the time i wasn't interested in any one specific thing. i havent stayed at jobs very long so dont have a decent paycheck or seniority (not that it counts anymore) and i havent ever really grown up and dont have social skills because ive drank all my life. i do feel down and out at times....but fortunately i have up times too.
hope this is something that will pass for you soon. it's hard for me when i feel hopeless/worthless. im trying to work on that the best i can.
take care least

Horselover

"Does anyone else struggle with such feelings? Does anyone else still not know who they are or where they are going, or want to go? I can't be the only person on earth who feels so lost."


Every day Least and my Mother-in-Law, who is much older then you, still says she doesn't know what she wants to be when she grows up. I think that may be healthy though. It means you are still growing and still learning and still finding yourself. When that stops you might as well be done with it all. I like the idea we can reinvent ourselves. To truly know ourselves is pretty hard. I would love to try meditation and yoga. I think you have to quiet that loud noise in our heads, which I would think can only really be achieved through being quiet ourselves.

Interesting Least.

Anna

Hi Least,

I felt exactly the way you do. I had no direction or purpose in my life, no real reason for carrying on.

As always for me, I turned to books for an answer and "The Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukav shone for me and showed me the way. Gary Zukav showed me how, in a gentle, caring way, to be able to listen to my soul. I had drowned out the voice of my soul with activity, alcohol and disinterest. But, I was able to learn to be quiet and to listen to the voice and follow it.

22NGONE

Least,

Hi! Well, 45 here and for a majority of my life I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up or what direction I was meant to head in. I did 24 years in the Navy and achieved the highest enlisted rank and yet I still never felt "good enough" or like I deserved the accolades and promotions bestowed upon me. I always worked hard and played hard and the hard partying Sailor mystique served me well in my drinking days. I always thought when I got out that I would grow up and get a real job and along the way find who I was truly meant to be.

Well what I found when I got out of the Navy was that I missed what I had, that I wasn't happy with my new job and I felt as lost as ever and continued to drink more than ever.

Well what I'm learning now in Sobriety is that I'm not here to serve me... people and possessions cannot "make me happy." I cannot find happiness in the World According to John. Where I have found happiness is in working AA, helping others, seeking to fulfill God's will each day and not my own and not focusing on what I need and what I want and instead seeking what I can do to help others and to spread happiness in the world.

Funny but by getting out of myself, I have finally found myself and what I was meant to be all along, a Good Man who seeks to do Good works and is content with what he has been blessed with today and everyday.

tommyk

I've got a tremendously important (in my opinion) purpose in life now - carry the message and help people in recovery.

It is a critical and fulfilling purpose and direction any of us can adopt.

When something I say or do helps to change someone for the better, it is a very moving spiritual experience.

I sincerely hope that anyone seeking purpose & direction in their lives give this a thought - you can be a beacon for others.

Be there for someone else. Make it your life ambition.

RobbyRobot

least,

i feel for you lord knows, and i wish i hand a magic word or two, but i just don't. what i can tell you is if your looking for where to start to 'find yourself' start where you just left off. yeah, you stopped picking up already and just keep on that path. sounds so simple and lousy obvious but there it is anyways. just don't pickup no more, get some day to day help with your *present* day to day problems, and soon as you can, stretch yourself a bit and help some others anyway you can help them. your not alone, as you already know. keep posting. we're all here for all of us.

Aysha

Negative Man

Hi All,

I just wanted to say that I really appreciated the posts about doing things for other people and getting out of our own heads. I've been feeling really down lately too. Feeling really sorry for myself and wondering when I will feel better.

The truth is, I have lots to be thankful for. So many blessings. I need to spread them around to others too.

Thanks for reminding me of that!

-- NM

Impurrfect

((((Least)))

I'm 46 and can totally understand how you feel. I actually DID go to school, have 2 assoc. degrees, and was a nurse for 12 years....loved it, but let addiction take over me, and now I'm waiting tables.

When I began recovery, almost 16 months ago, I had no idea what to do with my life. I may be able to get my nursing license back, but it is going to take a long time. I've thought about going back to school, but can't afford it right now and am not willing to go into debt with student loans. I'm way too far into debt to add to it.

For me, I just started trying to make the most of each day. I found out I actually LIKE waiting tables...meet a lot of interesting people. I also spend a lot of time on SR....it takes me out of "me" and lets me focus on others. I've found some awesome friends here, and we don't always talk about recovery...sometimes it's just our animals/families/jobs...whatever.

I think, for me, it was coming here and getting involved that helped the most. When I get to feeling overwhelmed by MY stuff, I can instantly think of someone on here that is struggling with way more than I am. It doesn't make my problems any LESS, but it puts things into perspective. I've also learned a lot of new ways of dealing with my stuff, thanks to the people here.

I STILL don't know what I'm going to be when I "grow up". I know I won't be waiting tables forever, because it's pretty hard on this old body, but for today, it works.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

flgirl

Sweetie,

I am 43 years old and still haven't figured out what I want to do when I grow up. I was in business until my boys were born, then found that education was the way to go. Both of my boys were premature and have been diagnosed as having learning disabilities. I went back to school to get a degree in special ed, because I never wanted my oldest to ask why I didn't do all I could to help him. He is now a firefighter/EMT. My youngest was essentially a non-reader in 2nd grade. So I got my Master's in literacy education. He has, fortunately, been very successful. He is no longer classified as having a learning disability and is planning on going to college next year. But I love teaching kids. I got into to into it because of my sons, but I have helped many others. I did that for 10 years, and am now in administration. What I really would like to do is start an advocacy center for parents with children with disabilities. I am gonna have to learn all about grant writing and playing nice to achieve that. Didn't mean to pour my heart out, but you touched something.

Mkiz418

I know exactly how you feel. I always feel like I am depending on someone, burdening them with my feeleings. But Ive learned from them that they dont see it that way. they love how I can trust them with my feelings and whatnot. AS hard as it is to believe( and im not sure i do believe them quite yet), i can at least tell you that I and everyone else here is glad to have you "rant" to them. Its comforting to you and its comforting to me.

*hugs*

PupMum

I agree with Horse. Questioning is a good sign. I have a profession which pays well and is not overly stressful but is definitely not my dream job and not what I plan to be doing in 5 years time. My plan is to leave the corporate world, live in country (with many dogs!), grow most of my food and work from home - mainly writing and art. First step to this for me is to stop drinking - as it wastes creative time and money.