Not sure if I can do this anymore :(
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 2
Not sure if I can do this anymore :(
This'll be long so I apologise but I'm at bursting point and need to get this out before I scream.
Hubby and I have been together for 10 years.He comes from a family where drinking plays a big part in their lives.We originally met through a large group of friends where drinking and socialising was a big thing but we were young~late teens,very early 20s and had no responsibilities so I had no issue with it.Looking back now though the early warning signs were there from the start.When the rest of the group would go out and have a few drinks and a laugh DH would literally get legless drunk....to the point where he was unable to speak or walk sometimes.We'd all get up in the morning and ,make it to work and function but DH would occasionally stay in bed for the day and not call into work and just take the telling off the next day.
Fast forward 10 years and we have 3 kids under 5,a mortgage,bills...all the usual things.Our middle child was born early and as a result has manmy health problems~because of this we don't have much of a social life.We do have a few close friends who'll come round and we'll have a bottle of wine or a few beers but you can guarantee that DH will drag the other men off to the shop to stock up on more beer.Pretty much without fail he gets very drunk,gets loud and embarrassing then will fall asleep in his food or on the sofa then stumble off to bed without saying goodbye.It's got to the point where I dread friends coming over or holidays because I'm sick of apologising for him embarrassing us all.
The main problem is when he goes on work related evenings out.Back in december he went out with a few work mates and said he'd be back by 10pm.He hadn't shown by the early hours and was cutting all my calls off.Finally I got hold of him at 7am only to have him answer the phone and repeat over and over "I don't know where I am,I don't know where I am".I had three kids at home and once I dropped the eldest at junior school I had to try to figure out where he was by asking him to read out road signs to me on his mobile.He was nearly 20 miles from home and had woken up in a petrol station with no clue how he got there.I had to drive with my two youngest girls and pick their dad up slumped in a layby at 9am
He got in the car,fell asleep and went off to bed when we got home...didn't bother ringing work and got a warning the next day.
Then just 10 days later he had to attend another works thing.He promised he'd only go for the meal at the restaurant half a mile from our house because our middle child had just been discharged from hospital after a week in with pneumonia and she was still poorly.Once again by midnight...no show.This time he actually switched his phone off.I was so mad...his child was ill and he didn't care at all.He turned up crashing and banging the front door just after 6am....totally totally drunk and was making no sense.Again he cannot remember much after 11pm ish and has no idea how he got home.After that he's been on a ban from going out which we both hate.
We've talked about it in depth and he admitted he was being irresponsible and selfish blah blah....
So last night when there was a work meal we both agreed he would go,get a lift home at 9pm and try to prove he could be trusted.How naive am I???There's me up till 4am trying to ring him but there was no answer so I gave up and went to bed.At 7am I went down and found him asleep fully clothed on the sofa~he's due in work at 7.30am so I woke him up and he went off in a taxi still obviously drunk.I have no idea how he hasn't been sent home tbh.Turns out that rather than cutting off my calls or switching off his phone he just didn't bother taking it out at all and left it at work.HOW irresponsible is that??
So here we are.I have a husband who can't be trusted to go out without me or he goes on an absolutely nuts drinking session.I have a husband who embarrasses me round friends and family with his drinking.I have a husband who turns from a caring happy father when sober to someone who can go out for a night and have no care in the world.He's VERY proud in his appearance usually and tbh is really vain...he becomes a redfaced,sweaty,crumple disgusting mess with his flies open and I can't stand being near him.
If I suggest he has a problem I get told to chill out,stop being boring.I'm at the point now where I can't see how I can stay with him I really can't.My head is going to pop.I love him,he's my best friend but I can't do this anymore.
Hubby and I have been together for 10 years.He comes from a family where drinking plays a big part in their lives.We originally met through a large group of friends where drinking and socialising was a big thing but we were young~late teens,very early 20s and had no responsibilities so I had no issue with it.Looking back now though the early warning signs were there from the start.When the rest of the group would go out and have a few drinks and a laugh DH would literally get legless drunk....to the point where he was unable to speak or walk sometimes.We'd all get up in the morning and ,make it to work and function but DH would occasionally stay in bed for the day and not call into work and just take the telling off the next day.
Fast forward 10 years and we have 3 kids under 5,a mortgage,bills...all the usual things.Our middle child was born early and as a result has manmy health problems~because of this we don't have much of a social life.We do have a few close friends who'll come round and we'll have a bottle of wine or a few beers but you can guarantee that DH will drag the other men off to the shop to stock up on more beer.Pretty much without fail he gets very drunk,gets loud and embarrassing then will fall asleep in his food or on the sofa then stumble off to bed without saying goodbye.It's got to the point where I dread friends coming over or holidays because I'm sick of apologising for him embarrassing us all.
The main problem is when he goes on work related evenings out.Back in december he went out with a few work mates and said he'd be back by 10pm.He hadn't shown by the early hours and was cutting all my calls off.Finally I got hold of him at 7am only to have him answer the phone and repeat over and over "I don't know where I am,I don't know where I am".I had three kids at home and once I dropped the eldest at junior school I had to try to figure out where he was by asking him to read out road signs to me on his mobile.He was nearly 20 miles from home and had woken up in a petrol station with no clue how he got there.I had to drive with my two youngest girls and pick their dad up slumped in a layby at 9am
He got in the car,fell asleep and went off to bed when we got home...didn't bother ringing work and got a warning the next day.Then just 10 days later he had to attend another works thing.He promised he'd only go for the meal at the restaurant half a mile from our house because our middle child had just been discharged from hospital after a week in with pneumonia and she was still poorly.Once again by midnight...no show.This time he actually switched his phone off.I was so mad...his child was ill and he didn't care at all.He turned up crashing and banging the front door just after 6am....totally totally drunk and was making no sense.Again he cannot remember much after 11pm ish and has no idea how he got home.After that he's been on a ban from going out which we both hate.
We've talked about it in depth and he admitted he was being irresponsible and selfish blah blah....
So last night when there was a work meal we both agreed he would go,get a lift home at 9pm and try to prove he could be trusted.How naive am I???There's me up till 4am trying to ring him but there was no answer so I gave up and went to bed.At 7am I went down and found him asleep fully clothed on the sofa~he's due in work at 7.30am so I woke him up and he went off in a taxi still obviously drunk.I have no idea how he hasn't been sent home tbh.Turns out that rather than cutting off my calls or switching off his phone he just didn't bother taking it out at all and left it at work.HOW irresponsible is that??
So here we are.I have a husband who can't be trusted to go out without me or he goes on an absolutely nuts drinking session.I have a husband who embarrasses me round friends and family with his drinking.I have a husband who turns from a caring happy father when sober to someone who can go out for a night and have no care in the world.He's VERY proud in his appearance usually and tbh is really vain...he becomes a redfaced,sweaty,crumple disgusting mess with his flies open and I can't stand being near him.
If I suggest he has a problem I get told to chill out,stop being boring.I'm at the point now where I can't see how I can stay with him I really can't.My head is going to pop.I love him,he's my best friend but I can't do this anymore.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hi Tops,
I felt like I was reading my story 20 years ago. My now ex alcoholic husband would do the same types of behaviors when going out on "work" nights. Once he cussed out his boss, nearly got fired, and had to apologize. Once he bought a plane ticket and flew to California! That was unbelievable (actually, laughable now, but then, just terrible).
My exhusband is a terrible alcoholic, and he fell into these very extreme behavior very young and very fast. His progressive slide was not so much progressive as it was plummeting. I was planning on divorce that 20 years ago when he decided that he'd had enough and found sobriety, which he maintained for 14 years until my children were 14 and 17. They were pretty good years, and I don't regret them. He relapsed in his 40's and we have since divorced.
His drinking was similar to your husbands, but he drank most every night towards the end, not coming home and stuff like you said. I knew I was done and could do as good a job raising my children alone as I was with a drunk dad around. Towards the end I kept me and my children away from him for several weeks (right about this time in the summer) at our family's lake cottage. When he asked if he could come up, I said no (it was my side of the family) and when he asked if I was going to divorce him, for the first time I said yes. He chose a rehab center that night, checked in for 3 weeks, and somehow managed to stay sober for 14 years.
I say all that to give you hope that he CAN be different and your marriage CAN be better. But only if he chooses sobriety. Mind only did when I pulled myself out of the picture and told him he was on his own and I was taking the kids with me.
I was also sinking fast, feeling that same "my head is going to pop" terribleness, and I really didn't know what was happening to me. I talked with a therapist while my ex was in treatment who gave me the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It revealed a lot of new ways of thinking to me and really made me feel better and that there was a new direction I could take. The biggest thing was how much of an enabler I was and how I was tolerating being treated with such disregard. Why had I allowed this type of behavior in my home? Fear, love, a bunch of stuff all jumbled together. It gave me something to hold onto when my head was spinning out-of-control with the "oh my god" type of anxious thoughts.
For me, I had to remove myself and children from his presence, where life was sad, disgusting, humiliating, and dangerous for me and my children. For him, he had to recognize that he wasn't like the other guys, he couldn't stop with just having a couple drinks. He was an alcoholic, and he had to face that and get help in stopping, learning new stuff too about how he had been in denial to himself.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, with 3 children in tow, to boot. It's not fair, it's a terrible experience, and I support you and totally understand why you just can't do this anymore. Something has to change, and that is the truth. You have reached the point that you will not tolerate drunkeness in your life or your children's anymore. The line has been drawn.
When you can find a moment of clarity in your swirling thoughts, can you think of some way to separate from your husband, even if only temporarily? This would give him an idea of what his life will be if he continues to drink, as well as give you the chance to create a calm, serene existence for yourself and kids without having to worry when the next drunken incident will be. Does your husband's employment have an HR dept? They can talk with him about treatment centers and options if he decides to admit his alcoholism and wants help stopping. This may be today, for I imagine that he is going to get reprimanded at work for coming in drunk.
I'm glad you found your way here, Tops. It's a great resource and support system, especially when you are home alone raising kids with limited ways to get to an Alanon meeting. I encourage you and applaud your realizing that this life is intolerable and you are ready to put a stop to it. Be careful to not slip back and think, oh, maybe it wasn't so bad when your husband gets sober and behaves for a while. Be strong and firm in your conviction that you will no longer live this way with someone in denial who continues to take these evenings out and suffers no repercussions with his wife and family. Alcoholism is VERY progressive, and these incidents will get worse and worse, and way more frequent as the years progress. You don't have to live one more minute like that if you choose, regardless of what your husband decides to do.
I hope you have family you can turn to. I hid a lot of my ex's incidents and behaviors from my family, for misguided reasons. I want you to know it is okay and it is time to share with your parents, siblings, friends, whomever can offer you support, just what you have been going through. Hiding it all just keeps the way paved for him to continue. Bringing it all out in the open is a good thing, so don't doubt yourself that it is the right thing to do. Plus, you are going to need all the support you can get. Good luck, sweetie.
I felt like I was reading my story 20 years ago. My now ex alcoholic husband would do the same types of behaviors when going out on "work" nights. Once he cussed out his boss, nearly got fired, and had to apologize. Once he bought a plane ticket and flew to California! That was unbelievable (actually, laughable now, but then, just terrible).
My exhusband is a terrible alcoholic, and he fell into these very extreme behavior very young and very fast. His progressive slide was not so much progressive as it was plummeting. I was planning on divorce that 20 years ago when he decided that he'd had enough and found sobriety, which he maintained for 14 years until my children were 14 and 17. They were pretty good years, and I don't regret them. He relapsed in his 40's and we have since divorced.
His drinking was similar to your husbands, but he drank most every night towards the end, not coming home and stuff like you said. I knew I was done and could do as good a job raising my children alone as I was with a drunk dad around. Towards the end I kept me and my children away from him for several weeks (right about this time in the summer) at our family's lake cottage. When he asked if he could come up, I said no (it was my side of the family) and when he asked if I was going to divorce him, for the first time I said yes. He chose a rehab center that night, checked in for 3 weeks, and somehow managed to stay sober for 14 years.
I say all that to give you hope that he CAN be different and your marriage CAN be better. But only if he chooses sobriety. Mind only did when I pulled myself out of the picture and told him he was on his own and I was taking the kids with me.
I was also sinking fast, feeling that same "my head is going to pop" terribleness, and I really didn't know what was happening to me. I talked with a therapist while my ex was in treatment who gave me the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It revealed a lot of new ways of thinking to me and really made me feel better and that there was a new direction I could take. The biggest thing was how much of an enabler I was and how I was tolerating being treated with such disregard. Why had I allowed this type of behavior in my home? Fear, love, a bunch of stuff all jumbled together. It gave me something to hold onto when my head was spinning out-of-control with the "oh my god" type of anxious thoughts.
For me, I had to remove myself and children from his presence, where life was sad, disgusting, humiliating, and dangerous for me and my children. For him, he had to recognize that he wasn't like the other guys, he couldn't stop with just having a couple drinks. He was an alcoholic, and he had to face that and get help in stopping, learning new stuff too about how he had been in denial to himself.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, with 3 children in tow, to boot. It's not fair, it's a terrible experience, and I support you and totally understand why you just can't do this anymore. Something has to change, and that is the truth. You have reached the point that you will not tolerate drunkeness in your life or your children's anymore. The line has been drawn.
When you can find a moment of clarity in your swirling thoughts, can you think of some way to separate from your husband, even if only temporarily? This would give him an idea of what his life will be if he continues to drink, as well as give you the chance to create a calm, serene existence for yourself and kids without having to worry when the next drunken incident will be. Does your husband's employment have an HR dept? They can talk with him about treatment centers and options if he decides to admit his alcoholism and wants help stopping. This may be today, for I imagine that he is going to get reprimanded at work for coming in drunk.
I'm glad you found your way here, Tops. It's a great resource and support system, especially when you are home alone raising kids with limited ways to get to an Alanon meeting. I encourage you and applaud your realizing that this life is intolerable and you are ready to put a stop to it. Be careful to not slip back and think, oh, maybe it wasn't so bad when your husband gets sober and behaves for a while. Be strong and firm in your conviction that you will no longer live this way with someone in denial who continues to take these evenings out and suffers no repercussions with his wife and family. Alcoholism is VERY progressive, and these incidents will get worse and worse, and way more frequent as the years progress. You don't have to live one more minute like that if you choose, regardless of what your husband decides to do.
I hope you have family you can turn to. I hid a lot of my ex's incidents and behaviors from my family, for misguided reasons. I want you to know it is okay and it is time to share with your parents, siblings, friends, whomever can offer you support, just what you have been going through. Hiding it all just keeps the way paved for him to continue. Bringing it all out in the open is a good thing, so don't doubt yourself that it is the right thing to do. Plus, you are going to need all the support you can get. Good luck, sweetie.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Back South where I belong!
Posts: 210
Tops, I started with baby steps, just getting things in order like bank accts, etc., to start creating a safe and secure other environment for myself. It helped me when my head felt like it was about to explode. It was so hard to leave behind someone I had loved so much at one time - but now that I'm away from it, I can see that it was mostly all about him and how he could manipulate the situation so he could continue drinking.
But it took me several years to get to this point. We went through rehab and counseling and meetings, etc. etc. but I don't think he was ever really in any kind of recovery but just pretending. This disease runs rampant in his family, which would have been helpful information to have oh, say, about 15 years ago! But I'm not sure it would have made any difference.
Anyway, this is just a long way of saying I hope you take care of yourself. So many of us know how you feel. R.
But it took me several years to get to this point. We went through rehab and counseling and meetings, etc. etc. but I don't think he was ever really in any kind of recovery but just pretending. This disease runs rampant in his family, which would have been helpful information to have oh, say, about 15 years ago! But I'm not sure it would have made any difference.
Anyway, this is just a long way of saying I hope you take care of yourself. So many of us know how you feel. R.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Welcome to SR Tops, I'm glad you have found us.
Well, what can I say on top of these great replies? It is hard, but there is hope for you. Even if your AH (alcoholic husband) doesn't want to admit his problem or seek out sobriety, there are choices you can make to ensure you find a happy ending from all this.
It takes time, and for me it took alot of pain as I tried again and again to make my relationship work with my ex. What I learnt here was the three C's
I didn't cause it
I can't control it
I can't cure it.
It took me a while to understand that, but when I began to stop worrying about him, losing sleep over my anxiety about him, trying to problem solve for him etc etc, I managed to shift my focus from him and onto myself where it needed to be.
Alcoholism is, as said, a progressive disease and it affects the whole family, not just the Alcoholic. Now I am working on me and getting me healthy again.
Have a read through the sticky threads at the top of this and every forum here. They are full of great information and really helped me to regain my focus.
Keep posting with us,
Love and serenity to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Well, what can I say on top of these great replies? It is hard, but there is hope for you. Even if your AH (alcoholic husband) doesn't want to admit his problem or seek out sobriety, there are choices you can make to ensure you find a happy ending from all this.
It takes time, and for me it took alot of pain as I tried again and again to make my relationship work with my ex. What I learnt here was the three C's
I didn't cause it
I can't control it
I can't cure it.
It took me a while to understand that, but when I began to stop worrying about him, losing sleep over my anxiety about him, trying to problem solve for him etc etc, I managed to shift my focus from him and onto myself where it needed to be.
Alcoholism is, as said, a progressive disease and it affects the whole family, not just the Alcoholic. Now I am working on me and getting me healthy again.
Have a read through the sticky threads at the top of this and every forum here. They are full of great information and really helped me to regain my focus.
Keep posting with us,
Love and serenity to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 2
Thankyou so so much for your replies xxxxxxx
DH just called asked me if I'm talking to him.Honestly he just doesn't seem to realise how far he's pushing me.I told him I'd had it and he seemed genuinely suprised!?He offered to move out for a bit but I know he'd just move in with some friends and use it an excuse to get drunk every night.Gahhhhh!!
I am SO MAD AT HIM!!!!
Why should he get the easy way out?Just because he can't control himself me and my kids face losing the life we have now..their dad not being at home.It's just pathetic.I'm facing life as a single mum with three kids,one poorly one,just because he won't face facts and sort himself out.
I'm starting to feel far less upset and now I'm just plain angry
DH just called asked me if I'm talking to him.Honestly he just doesn't seem to realise how far he's pushing me.I told him I'd had it and he seemed genuinely suprised!?He offered to move out for a bit but I know he'd just move in with some friends and use it an excuse to get drunk every night.Gahhhhh!!
I am SO MAD AT HIM!!!!
Why should he get the easy way out?Just because he can't control himself me and my kids face losing the life we have now..their dad not being at home.It's just pathetic.I'm facing life as a single mum with three kids,one poorly one,just because he won't face facts and sort himself out.
I'm starting to feel far less upset and now I'm just plain angry
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by Tops 
...I'm starting to feel far less upset and now I'm just plain angry...
Keep moving forward for you and your children,
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: London
Posts: 130
This is going to sound a bit harsh; and it's not meant as a a dig.
You said you'll be a single mum of three and that worries you but with all the running about after him dealing with his rubbish and the sleepless nights when you don't get to bet till 4 or 5am it sounds like you are a single mum already but to 4.
You said you'll be a single mum of three and that worries you but with all the running about after him dealing with his rubbish and the sleepless nights when you don't get to bet till 4 or 5am it sounds like you are a single mum already but to 4.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by Tops
He offered to move out for a bit but I know he'd just move in with some friends and use it an excuse to get drunk every night.Gahhhhh!!
Originally Posted by Tops
Why should he get the easy way out?Just because he can't control himself me and my kids face losing the life we have now..their dad not being at home.It's just pathetic.I'm facing life as a single mum with three kids,one poorly one,just because he won't face facts and sort himself out.
Anger is certainly understanable. You are being treated very badly by someone who is supposed to be an equal partner in your life.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 225
Hi, and welcome! I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. It sounds very familiar, and brought up some vivid memories of my ex. Something about the way you write, I guess. So thanks for that, because sometimes I need that almost tactile reminder.
Anyway, I wanted to comment specifically on this:
I don't have any children, so take my comment as you will. But I have certainly felt this way. I was really pissed at my ex for getting to have all the fun, stay drunk and just not have to deal with anything.
I wanted to be the person who was just drunk all the time, having fun, instead of the sad sober sack.
Anyway, months and months later I can see clearly who got the better deal. I'm over the bleh part, and happy and calm.
And he is still very very crazy. And sad.
I think that it is hard to understand how different drinking is for an alcoholic. I made the mistake of thinking it was fun and irresponsible and light-hearted.
Because that's what drinking is like for me.
But really, it seems to be not fun at all. It is isolating, depressing, and a huge responsibility. It is something that you feel bad about all the time, it seems shameful and secretive. Especially if it is a continuation of a behavior that made you lose someone you love.
I am not saying this to make you feel sorry for your husband. He is a grown man.
I just wanted to write that, for some reason, so that you don't feel like you get the short end of the stick if you leave him. You'll get your sanity, your children, and some peace. If he continues to drink, he won't.
I could write more, but I suppose that I need to get the grill fired up. Happy Independence Day!
Anyway, I wanted to comment specifically on this:
Originally Posted by Tops
He offered to move out for a bit but I know he'd just move in with some friends and use it an excuse to get drunk every night.Gahhhhh!!
I am SO MAD AT HIM!!!!
Why should he get the easy way out?
I am SO MAD AT HIM!!!!
Why should he get the easy way out?
I wanted to be the person who was just drunk all the time, having fun, instead of the sad sober sack.
Anyway, months and months later I can see clearly who got the better deal. I'm over the bleh part, and happy and calm.
And he is still very very crazy. And sad.
I think that it is hard to understand how different drinking is for an alcoholic. I made the mistake of thinking it was fun and irresponsible and light-hearted.
Because that's what drinking is like for me.
But really, it seems to be not fun at all. It is isolating, depressing, and a huge responsibility. It is something that you feel bad about all the time, it seems shameful and secretive. Especially if it is a continuation of a behavior that made you lose someone you love.
I am not saying this to make you feel sorry for your husband. He is a grown man.
I just wanted to write that, for some reason, so that you don't feel like you get the short end of the stick if you leave him. You'll get your sanity, your children, and some peace. If he continues to drink, he won't.
I could write more, but I suppose that I need to get the grill fired up. Happy Independence Day!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Wailuku, Maui, Hawaii
Posts: 6
Hi Tops, I'm sorry you are going through all this junk. Rest assured most of us know somewhat how you feel. After 19 years of marriage to an alcoholic, I finally went to my first Al-Anon meeting last Friday. I should have done that 19 years ago. They say to go for six weeks whether you feel like it or not, then you will have a sense of if you belong there. I already know I belong there after one week. The group I attend is for ladies only, which helps me open up. Although I don't know everything there is to know about it, I can say that it's not about husband-bashing, not about fixing him and his problem, not about avoiding the problem. As far as I can tell, it's about learning from other peoples' experiences how to protect yourself and your children from the effects of living with an alcoholic, learning how to live with an alcoholic if you choose, and also learning what's healthy and what isn't. This will help you should you decide to turn the temporary separation into a divorce, you will know why you're doing it, which in turn gives you the confidence you need to stick to it and not go back and forth. I'm only going to my second meeting today, but what I've learned this week is that I did not do my husband any favors by not attending all these years. I can only help him when I am healthy. I'm not sure if I'm making sense. I'm doing this to help myself, but at the same time I end up helping him, because when we live with such behavior and allow it to continue without setting proper boundaries, we're not helping them. I don't know what the boundaries are yet, but that's why I'm in Al-Anon...to learn.
Last edited by Anna; 07-04-2008 at 12:20 PM.
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