strongerwoman

(please don't be too harsh, right now I don't think I could take it)

I totally took a million steps back Tuesday afternoon and Wed. night.
And got hurt a million times over again in the process.
You'd think I'd have learned the lessons by now but obviously I haven't.

Tuesday I was having a REALLY bad day. The kids are all really, really driving me crazy, my oldest daughter and I had a huge fight, life is just really ugly right now and it all seems really hopeless. I couldn't take dealing with the kids any longer (the youngest two - ages 12 &11) as they are BORED and can do nothing but constantly fight and bicker and all of that, when they aren't complaining that their summer vacation is so terrible because we are so broke and can't do anything but sit around the house while all of their friends are gone on nice vacations.......
Generally feeling like I am a huge failure to them. The thought even briefly entered my head that maybe they would all be better off without living with me, which is crazy because I KNOW thats not true. But I am just not coping well at all. Havent taken a shower in a week, house is a mess, can't deal with anything. And yes, I'm taking my antidepressants.
Anyhow, I have my BIG nurse licensing exam to take on July 18th. I am REALLY behind on studying for it and its a do or die exam, so to speak. I HAVE to pass it but right now I'm lucky if I can remember what I did yesterday, let alone all of this nursing stuff. Don't pass = no license.
I had the idea that the youngest two could each go to their respective fathers for the night while I had a break and could spend the evening studying.

I called AH and immediately broke down crying. He acts all concerned, says he will be right over. As soon as he walks in, he comes and gives me a long hug and I break down crying. He takes my hand and walks me into the bedroom for privacy where I proceed to cry and cry and cry for about an hour straight. All the while he is holding me, talking softly to me, acting like the most thoughtful and caring man in the world. I am a mess, and he ends up telling me how much he loves me, how much he hates to see me crying and upset, how everything will be okay, then kisses me bunches and all of that. Telling me how much he's missed me, how much he loves me, everything a girl would want to hear in that situation.

The kids went to their fathers for the night, but I was too spent to study so didn't do anything but veg out on the couch.
AH calls me to check on me, tells me again how much he loves me.
Next day is Wednesday. He calls in the a.m. to see how I am doing. My phone needed to be charged so I had to hang up, he asked me to call him back in a while after it charged. I got busy and side tracked and didn't end up calling. A few hours later he calls and acts all hurt that I hadn't called him back.
That night (last night) he shows up at my door unexpectedly, acting like nothing ever happened between us. He immediately comes up to me and gives me a long embrace. We talk and hold hands and he kisses me and we hang out for a few hours.
It feels so damn nice, so normal, like old times. Of course I jump the gun and my mind starts racing with all kinds of thoughts, maybe he's realizing he wants to try, maybe if I can just be a better wife and treat him more special we can work things out, maybe, maybe, maybe.......
(later that night after he left I spent two hours reading through my books that basically say you can love your husband back if you are just good enough and make him feel special enough....blah blah blah...)
Meanwhile while we are talking and hanging out, I tell him that I snooped and found the box of condoms, he says he knows. I ask why he has them. He doesnt really have an answer. Says he doesn;t know, can't really explain it. Just something he did. Then he says "did you notice none of them had been used?" I said "yeah, but that doesn't really mean anything." He says "shhhh....I am here with you now aren't I? Doesn't that mean anything?"
We talk and have coffee, act like nothing has ever happened bad between us.
I say well, you have to imagine how I am feeling and what I am thinking - with all that happened with the OW, finding condoms in his drawer, ect....
He says again how he will never be able to convince me that nothing happened between him and her. That he loves me, that he is here with me now. Looks me straight in the eyes all sincerely and tells me "She is Aaron's mother, that's it, nothing more. She doesn't mean anything to me."

He ends up taking me into the bedroom and we lay down on the bed all curled up around each other, just like when we were madly in love.
Ended up taking a nap. He is kissing me and all that. Things start to get a little heated after a while and I say that he needs to get going back to his apt, that I can't go any further physically. He says he knows, that this isn't the time for that, that he just wanted to sleep next to me, to be close to me, how much he misses me.......that it had been 44 days since he last was close to me all cuddled up.
Anyhow, he leaves with kisses and "i love you's."

Then today he is sort of cold again. Calls me this morning, but acts distant. No "I love you" at the end of the phone call. Just get this distant vibe from him, he's kind of short with me on the phone.

Well. Tonight, my daughter brings me this card that she took from AH's apt.

I almost puked when I read it.
Its a Fathers Day card. From the 16yo son AH gave up for adoption when he was an infant who he was recently reunited with at the boys request, AND from the OW - the boy's mother, J. The same woman who I totally suspected he had a fling with, the same woman who called me out of the blue on May 23rd and told me I was not AH's "honey" anymore. The same woman who AH "let" spend the night at his apt because she was too drunk to drive home. (If you're lost - you'll have to search my other posts for the whole story) The woman who is "Just the boys mother and nothing more."

The front of the card reads:
"With All Our Love on Father's Day"

Inside it says:
"Wishes mean the most when they're meant for those we love"
"We have so many reasons to appreciate you, so many reasons to love you, so many reasons to wish you happiness....on Fathers Day and always.
Have a wonderful Father's Day."
And then it is signed by her - "With love, Joanna and Aaron"

He had the nerve to act like it was no big deal and that I was making something out of nothing. And I actually questioned myself for a brief moment, actually tried to come up with any rational reason why she would be giving him a card like that and have it be all innocent.

Does anyone here see this as being an innocent card? Do I even have to ask?
Any possibility that this is just a nice friendly card? An appropriate card to give a married man?

OUR DAUGHTER found this on his kitchen table and snuck it home to give to me. OMG.
Last night when AH was here and we were acting all close and everything, I noticed our dauhgter was acting all anxious and hyper and she could not fall asleep until after 2am.
Now I know why.

With the card there was also a polaroid pic taken at the Mexican restaurant where allegedly the OW went to get drunk that night in May. His story was that he was not with her, she was there without him and called him and was drunk so he felt responsible to look after her. Blah, blah, blah.....
I asked him point blank three seperate times if they were together at the restaurant. He told me definitely "no" each time. I even have it in an email.

So, this pic is of him in a sombraro, with a shot of something in his hand while he is toasting the camera and looking like he's having the time of his life.
This was three days after his 40th birthday so I guess they were celebrating that together. The restaurant people come to your table and sing happy birthday and take your pic with the big mexican hat on.
It was the same night because he had the same clothes on.
And putting two and two together isn't difficult here.
So, he totally lied about that, they were out together that night drinking and partying it up.

This all keeps getting worse and worse. I KNOW it is up to me to stop it, and it stops here, tonight.
I am at the complete end of my rope emotionally. I feel like I've been run over by a semi emotionally. Physically I feel like someone has beaten me with a baseball bat all over my body. I can't cry anymore. I feel like I'm just numb, in shock.

I can't believe I let myself fall for his lies all over again. I can't believe he can lift my face up to his and tell me to look him in the eyes, smile at me, kiss me and then tell me how much he loves me, how much he misses me. How everything is going to be okay.

All the while its all LIES and betrayals and deception.
If he is involved with her, WHY does he even bother with me?

Anyhow, I went and confronted him at his friends house where they were all drunk. I KNOW that was a bad idea. His friend was calling me a *****, AH was just dismissing me while I was crying and freaking out.
He says "so what, so someone gave me a card for father's day. I can't help that!"
All with this smirk on his face, with me acting like a crazed fool and him just looking at me like I'm the crazy one -which I guess I am.
He starts telling me I'm crazy and to leave and I just lost it. I started hitting him in the chest and I actually kicked him. Not hard enough to hurt him, but still.
Me screaming "of course I'm acting crazy, look what you have done to me you b*st*rd!" And on and on it went with me screaming, him just smirking at me, his friend yelling horrible things at me. Both of them threatening to call the police. I didn't care.
It was quite the scene. I was totally out of control I know. It is sooooooooo not me to act like that, I was a crazed lunatic.

I finally left. Crying hysterically, lost control of my car (it was raining and roads were very curvy and slippery) almost had a serious accident. Thank God no one else was on the road at that place and time.

And you know, I actually had to fight myself from turning the car around and running back into his arms to tell him I'm sorry for acting that way, how wrong I was, and feeling like I just wanted to kiss and make up and forget it all.
Can you believe that?
I really need serious help, I know.
I guess I just was feeling that this was the very last straw and that it was so final, that there would be no coming back from this.

I am just sick. Sick and drained and just emotionally spent. Empty and sad.
And alone.

And here I sit at 2:53am, feeling like calling him to apologize. What the h*ll?
Once again trying to make any sense out of any of this. When I know darn well the truth.

How can the man I loved with everything I had, the man I married and spent the last 14 years of my life with, the man who I built my world around, the man who all of our family and friends thought would never in a million years become who he is now, how can this man do this to me? How can he hurt me so deeply, how can he lie to me and deceive me? The man who used to have me on a pedestal and cherish me so completely, how did it all come to this?
How can a person change so much? How can a person hurt their spouse so badly and deeply and be okay with it?

I just don't understand. I don't understand how a person can do that to another.
And I don't want this life that has been forced upon me now.
I dont want to be in my late 30's and divorced for the second time.
I don't want to be a single mom. I didn't sign up for this. I don't want to hurt so badly, I don't want to be the strong parent trying to take the high road while struggling every moment to keep it all together while the other goes about his merry way being carefree. I can't do this all by myself....it's too much, too much pressure, too much stress, too much for one person.
I am not strong enough for this.

Sweetiepie1

It happens and you're probably beating yourself up enough as you are aware of what has happened.

Simple advice I know but works a treat for me. Have a nice long hot bubble bath and get your face on tomorrow so you can face the world with your chin up.

I don't know why it works but a bit of make up and decent clothes rather than my slobbing about stuff always puts me in a more positive frame of mind, even if I'm just doing the housework and running to the shop for a pint of milk, or maybe that's just me being shallow :-)

You know whats happend and how it's happened which is a positive.

Hit the books hard, burn a bit of midnight oil at it if you need to and you'll feel so much better once the exams are out the way and there is one less thing to worry about, especially if the results of this exam affect you financially and help you out of a hole (another one struck off your worry list)

Sending you hugs and please be kind to yourself X

lizw

I recall kicking one BF's car door in, after I gave him a birthday present and his response was I want to break up with you. The night before we'd been having sex too, so him saying he wanted to end it was totally out of the blue for me - I didn't see it coming.

However we had gotten into a pattern of that kind of craziness, you described. The screaming, the shouting, the lying.

Had the same thing with the next guy I got involved with too, not that he wanted to break up with me but he did things which I thought made me unhappy. I threw all his clothes out of the 2nd storey of the place we were living and dumped all his CD's in the rubbish, breaking most of them.

I think once a pattern is established in a relationship it is very, very hard to break and if you or him or both of you come from a family where this kind of behaviour is normal, then it is even harder.

I dunno I what your support network is like but as soon as I read that he phoned and you broke down on the phone to him, I knew where it was going. I knew it was heading towards you two getting back together.

I think it is very, very imprtant you start to build a support network for yourself so you have people you can rely on, turn to in tough time. Rather than turn to him. To a certain extent you've already started to do this by being on here.

I hope you have a good nights sleep. Take care of yourself.

:ghug3

Lilyflower

Strongerwoman, I agree with the need for a support network for you.

Your exAH is a very manipulative man. He knows your vulnerable and he is using that for HIS advantage. When you are feeling low and needy, please please find someone else to turn to, each time you let him see that side of you, he sees a way he can get in (excuse the bluntness) but he sees a way he can get into your underware. That is what I see coming through in his actions, - leading you into the bedroom for comfort, cuddling and kissing you talking about HIS needs and wants, he almost got the sex he wanted. Good for you for stopping it when you did!

This whole episode this week has taught you some good lessons, if you listen to them. You know he lies, you know he is manipulating you. You may never know why, the mind of an active alcoholic is full of confusion, contradictions and self obsession. I feel you are ready to bow out of this dance.

Try your best to move away from thinking about the whys and what for's. I have found a few different things helpful when I have been suffering like you are now...

I kept a journal. Write down your feelings, as you write just let your mind go, follow your thoughts, let it all out onto the paper. You may be feeling flushed and hot from anger, shaking and crying from sadness, but keep going. As long as the feelings are not overwhelming, let them out. if you feel that your emotions are causing you to loose your concentration or flow of thoughts, stop and call someone who is sympathetic and understands what is happening to you, SR would be a great place to turn in this instance. Tell them what you were doing and what the thoughts you had that made you feel overwhelmed. Reach out for support from people who understand this madness and want the BEST FOR YOU!

Also, I attended counselling/therapy. Having a place to go each week were somene listens without judgement and allows you to get it out and talk it through is a great release. If you are not already, i think getting to a counsellor/therapist would be great for you too. Perhaps your college/school of nursing has this facility for the students? I know when I was studying here in Britain, the university had its own counselling department for the students use.

As you know from what is happening to your body, this kind of constant drama is exhausting. Pamper yourself right now, you need some much deserved tender loving care from yourself. Your exAH may be very good at making it seem his concern is all about you, but his motives are all about him.

Keep posting, keep releasing all this pain. When you bow out of this dance you will find the drama will stop and your feelings will begin to decrease in their intensity. It can be done! There are many here who are living proof of it.

Sending you lots of love and hugs

Keep telling yourself just how much

Peace and serenity to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

peaceteach

Strongerwoman - I love the advice above, and all the suggestions. I am so sorry that you were put through another hopeful-hopes dashed experience again. Your young daughter saw the manipulation and loves her mama. Hang on to that thought! You are not crazy, you just are being taken advantage of.

I know that feeling of realizing that the one person you thought you could turn to in a time of crisis is actually the "bad guy" who caused the crisis. You need another outlet, a safe, "all about Strongerwoman" outlet. I know you don't want any of this to happen anymore, that you don't feel strong. But you are, sweetie. You aren't drinking YOURSELF into oblivion, you are thinking of a future for yourself and children with your nursing exam coming up. I hope you can get into the school and talk with someone soon. I'm sure they've had other women in similar situations trying to earn their degree while going through family crisis, and will be able to help you through it.

Keep coming back, sweetie. We care and support you. ((((STRONGER woman))))

dunerkat

Hi strongerwoman - I am new here, but have been through this for 20 years. I leave and believe I won't go back, even though my heart is breaking while I am away from him and my home. Your post contains many of the same feelings I have. My ah maniuplates me, knows how/what to do to get me back. It is such an emotional time for you - I wish I knew there was some way to make it all easier.

Take care of yourself and move on from this, all the while learning from it.

Barbara52

Dear Strongerwoman. Please consider getting yourself into individual conseling to help you through this very tought time in your life. Your words tell me you need an impartial eye and advice from someone who can see beyond the immedate situation.

Bernadette

Heya strongerwoman--
(((((hugs)))))
UGH!! Too much drama, pain, and manipulation with this hub of yours! You sound like you need help to be able to Step Off. AlAnon? Counseling? Friends? Can you call anyone besides him when you feel desperate??

Just praying for you :praying
to find the strength to focus on NCLEX studies!! You're under a lot of stress in your personal life AND a lot of stress in your professional life as this is a most important test. But it is NOT do or die. You can take it again. Cross that bridge when you come to it. I hope you can find the discipline to force yourself to study a few hours a day until the 18th!! Trying your best on the test will make you feel better. You can do this!
Peace,
B

Impurrfect

(((SW)))

I'm sorry you're going through this, and you got a lot of good advice above. I was in the same type of relationship (except no kids) for 20 years. I was also going to nursing school at the same time.

As far as the nursing test, Bernadette is right....you can take the test over. A friend of mine had to take it 3 times before she passed because she has HUGE test anxiety. I took it the last year it was still a written test. By the time she passed (a couple months later) it was on the computer.

I hope you can find the support you need. I remember the overwhelming depression, and it sucks the life out of you. I thought I would DIE if I didn't have him in my life. Now, I wonder why I put up with all that for so long!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Mair

Sending you love and hugs. You can do this, one day at a time.

Mair xx

FormerDoormat

My life wasn't forced upon me. I CHOOSE it, just as you're choosing the life you live today.

StrongerWoman, after reading this post plus your last post, all I can say is that this scenario is exactly what you said you wanted in your last post--to be kissed and held by your husband and to feel once again like you are the center of his world.

And while you got what you wished for, as an outsider looking in it appears that you purposely manipulated the situation to get what you wanted. You played the game expertly. The tears, the drama, the pleading with your husband for help, him playing the role of your knight in shining armor, showering you with hugs and kisses, then the two of you ending up in the bedroom.

This is no different and no better than the game alcoholics play with their codependent partners. Only this time the tables were turned and you were the game master.

The end result is the same whether this unhealthy game is played by the alcoholic or the codependent partner: both participants get hurt and nothing gets resolved.

Recovery came for me when I stopped focusing on what my boyfriend was doing or not doing with his life and I began to focus solely on me. The no contact rule allowed me to clear my mind and think with my head and not my heart (or other body parts). It allowed me to see that I was as sick as my boyfriend was and to recognize that Richard was not the only one in our relationship who had become a master manipulator.

I hope you take my response in the manner in which it is offered. This is not a criticism of you or your behavior. It's merely what I've been able to observe as an impartial observer who has the luxury of watching your story unfold from the outside looking in.

Alanon, therapy, daily participation on SR, and reading all about codependency and how to break the cycle have been the salvation of many on this forum. They can be for you, too.

All you have to do is choose to live your life differently than you do today.

CatsPajamas

Each and every one of us has to find our our bottom, just like the As in our life. When we have had ENOUGH then we can move forward and choose a different life for ourselves. Some of us have to go back there a few times, experience it from different angles and perspectives until we've really truly had enough.

I remember about 8 yrs ago when I was really strong in my head but still pretty wishy washy in my heart. During the time between when I moved out and filed for divorce and the end date ~ the hearing ~ my ex H and I played a few good rounds of "it's over, it's over, c'mon over". We had an uncanny way of finding each other when I was lonely and lost and just needed that special someone to hold me and kiss me and tell me it was going to to be OK.... it was inevitably about the same time that he needed to be validated again ~ that white knight on a horse thing.

After we would come back together, I always had a really strong emotional crash. At the time it felt GREAT to be held and to hear those words, but afterwards I almost felt dirty... and I knew that it wasn't the right thing for me. I KNEW we were toxic together.... and I was very hard on myself for caving in.

To me, it's the perfect example of a codie relapse. I found myself in a low spot and went right back to my drug of choice - HIM... and then felt the remorse and shame and self doubt much like the A must feel when they go back out and drink or use again.

You'll know when you've had enough. All the preaching and tough love in the world won't work on you, just like it doesn't work on the alcoholics and addicts. If words could get our loved ones sober, we wouldn't be here. If words could get co dependents to quit acting codependently, we wouldn't be here.

Big hugs, strongerworman. I hear your determination in your posts, and I think you're truly getting stronger. You're learning important lessons about yourself and your boundaries. Be gentle with yourself and know that recovery is yours if you want it. One day at a time, you know?

Hugs
Cats

shellygirl

I’m going to love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me even if someone can't see
There’s a stronger woman in me
I’m going to be my own best friend
Stick with me 'til the end
Won’t lose myself again, never, no
‘Cause there’s a stronger woman in me...

Oh Honey, read your words...you can get through this. What if you just decide to take a break from him for the next 13 days. If you truly love nursing spend the next 13 days thinking about yourself and your future and study for that test. Let go of him, just for 13 days. Put that energy, passion and time into yourself, just for 13 days and know that you did the best you possible could on the test. If you pass it, fabulous, if not you will pass it the next time. But be your own best friend and love yourself enough to put your best effort towards it. Just for 13 days then see how you feels after that. I know that once I decided to concentrate on a goal for myself it helped take the light of my AH and put it back on me. Counseling was also a blessing that helped me get there to.

sadandhopeless

I agree put on some make up take a bath make dinner plans with a close friend. Try to take care of you. You need to pass your test to start a new life for yourself. Have you considered speaking to your doctor about the doseage for your medication? upping the dose may help you get over this hump. I am not a dr but I feel you need someone to talk to talk to. to help you with all this. The kids and yourself. I know you probably have all kinds of strange feelings, but you do not owe him an apology. I don't agree with violence in any way - you are emotionally stressed out - let him go. the card you have in your possession is more then enough proof that you don't need him regardless of what lies he tells you. Take care of yourself and your family. Find someone to turn to that you can trust and can help you. You are sad over the lose of your marriage. Don't worry about being in your 30's and divorces twice. you could be in your 60 should you take him back and be married to an alcoholice that still cheats on you and betrays your marriage. It seems hard, but it will get better. you deserve more. You need to rest and find things to do that will relieve you of some stress.

you are in my prayers as well. I am so sad to hear about your story. Consider it a bad day and just move forward to tomorrow. Tomorrow will bring a better day.

sadandhopeless

please keep us posted on how you are doing over the next few days. Please take care of yourself. I wish you a peaceful night.

i4getsm

I wondered where you had been. I'm praying for you. Take that bath tonight. Put on some makeup tomorrow. You can't change what has already happened but you can change what you do today. (((HUGS)))

twistedruby

****{hug}}}

What's worse than making a mistake is not learning anything from it.

Don't make yourself feel guilty for past mistakes....you're wasting emotional energy feeling guilty for things that Cannot Be Changed.
Learn from what happened and keep it in your emotional arsenal.

Have you been to enough al-anon meetings to have a sponsor ?
I don't know enough about it to know if you can call them 24/7 if you need to.

Reading here so many times that abusing alcohol makes it Sooo easy to lie thru their teeth....while sober also......that's a universal feature that goes right along with the territory for all of them.

I know I despise even Suspecting that my AH thinks he can make me feel bad with inebriated words....I stopped reacting about a month ago and he has mostly shutup while under the influence.

Maybe it's similar to how to treat a bully.
When they realize they cannot get a reaction from you (which is what they Feed ! on)....they stop the behavior.
Ok...not the same.....but there's some kind of similarity there.

OMG, stronger woman.....I hope you find the time to talk with someone at an al-anon near you.

There was a time when I felt devastated at the thought of losing my husband (not alcohol related) .....but since then, which was 2005......he has exhibited behavior that was Very damaging.....and it keeps chipping away at what you feel for the person.
They don't know how they damage you more and more.....
Disrespect Is Deadly.

I never understood the saying falling out of love with someone....but I do understand how they destroy what you feel for them.

I still love my husband (married 23 yrs. last May).......and we're still together.....but he caused a Lot of damage.....
In the last few years.....he has been using alcohol to zone out of his reality (financial consequences of his own choices..)
We're not in dire straits....but he could have had income from a source he deserves it from......he gave them 17 years.....but he won't get off his ass and do something about it, and it's not something I can do For him.

Anyway, sorry......I kind of rambled off down a different road.....

I hope you're feeling better very soon, strongerwoman.....just focus on learning from what has happened....do NOT put yourself down for it !
Don't Ever do that !
Your inner dialog with yourself is very important.

And everyone knows it is a very difficult thing to re-train.....but it Is possible.