Being in recovery and not telling your IRL friends......
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
OMG - don't EVEN talk to me about this Ab's. I don't have the energy right now because "I" am the person who has to get my kids to bed and get an entire parade tomorrow for b.b kids (baseball). They need their showers,water balloons, candy, uniforms etc. All the while their AD is going to sleep in because he doesn't "feel well." Uh - well, neither do I. I would LOVE t have the vacation that "he's had". Even my BFF's have NO CLUE! NOBODY has had a clue!! So yea, I getcha!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Aaaaaaw Callie..... I can totally picture you saying that IRL! Nice expression there.
I literally stay in the moment... so when you are able to step outside your life and be .... like "just be" with those around you..... it can be a little bit of a "sweet escape"..... ya know? Staying in the present.....
I literally stay in the moment... so when you are able to step outside your life and be .... like "just be" with those around you..... it can be a little bit of a "sweet escape"..... ya know? Staying in the present.....
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
I can only speak from the point of view of a wife who is married to a recovering addict. Only 2 people know from my "side" (my mom and my dad.) And they are not really people I can talk to much, so I really feel alone sometimes about the things I go through. He has told his best friend and his doctor and that is it.
I feel sad that people don't know. It makes me lonely sometimes, well, no . . . a lot of the time. Friends would judge. Family would scorn. So, sometimes you are just stuck with you and yourself at 3am.
I feel sad that people don't know. It makes me lonely sometimes, well, no . . . a lot of the time. Friends would judge. Family would scorn. So, sometimes you are just stuck with you and yourself at 3am.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
ZW... it's crazy..... I know... I want to too..... but I feel that it his story to share.....
My parents live just 5 houses down the road from us..... and I have yet really faced the acknowledgment of his being gone to meetings and IOP.... that is a concern for us. As well as the fact we aren't drinking with my folks. That will be handled by him saying he has just given it up... plain and simple. Me too.. cause I'm not drinking with him... or more like when we are together presently.
I am conflicted though... because it is a total contrast to what we are being taught..... to stay in the present and NOT lie!
My parents live just 5 houses down the road from us..... and I have yet really faced the acknowledgment of his being gone to meetings and IOP.... that is a concern for us. As well as the fact we aren't drinking with my folks. That will be handled by him saying he has just given it up... plain and simple. Me too.. cause I'm not drinking with him... or more like when we are together presently.
I am conflicted though... because it is a total contrast to what we are being taught..... to stay in the present and NOT lie!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Well, it's a matter of discretion. You can control who knows if it stays between you two. Once you tell someone else, then neither one of you have ANY control over who knows from there and how far it spreads out into the world.
I think the "story to share" can best be used in meetings like AA/NA/Alanon type things, or here on this board. I've also thought about starting up a blog of some kind (totally anonymous) in order to connect with others and journal in a sense.
/hugs to you
If anything, we are all here for you.
:ghug2
I think the "story to share" can best be used in meetings like AA/NA/Alanon type things, or here on this board. I've also thought about starting up a blog of some kind (totally anonymous) in order to connect with others and journal in a sense.
/hugs to you
If anything, we are all here for you.
:ghug2
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
I agree that the "story" is for the meetings and other's in recovery..... I guess what I meant by story... I meant by his just going to rehab and now being in recovery.
We went out for dinner with my folks a few nights ago... and they kept asking me to get my guy a glass of wine even after they had asked him several times to have one... and he kept declining. So... they started asking me to just get him one. They asked me a couple of times too... and I said no thank you. They probably thought it was because we didn't want to socialize with them for very long... ??? IDK.
Tonight we are having a block party for the 4th (the center of it is right in front of our house)... bounce house... tons of food... and most likely beer / alcohol. Fortunately, it's BYOB... and we aren't bringing any.... but my guy made a kick arse fruit salad to share. Anywho... his group told him yesterday that he needs to not be here. He decided today he is going to be here; however, he is going to put the car down the street for an escape should it get to be too much and is going to a sober living type club and has a couple of invites to sober parties.
It makes me feel really quite horrible about myself... because I feel like I am not supporting him by not going with or making arrangements for this.
This block party has been arranged for a year, my parents live on the same court as us... I have about 10 family members coming as well. It's going to be the 7th block party in a row and this year.... it's going to be an all out one because it's on a Friday. And until all of this went down... I was one of the main organizers for it. ugh....
Anywho...... nobody knows about anything. SO... it's going to be interesting.
Oh.. one of our childhood friends is coming and he got out of rehab about 9 months ago... but I haven't talked with him since. Maybe my guy will talk with him about things?!? IDK.. it's just going to be interesting.
My guy told me that he is going to tell my folks that he has decided to do a detox from alcohol so that is why he is not drinking..... I feel that they will respect that.
We went out for dinner with my folks a few nights ago... and they kept asking me to get my guy a glass of wine even after they had asked him several times to have one... and he kept declining. So... they started asking me to just get him one. They asked me a couple of times too... and I said no thank you. They probably thought it was because we didn't want to socialize with them for very long... ??? IDK.
Tonight we are having a block party for the 4th (the center of it is right in front of our house)... bounce house... tons of food... and most likely beer / alcohol. Fortunately, it's BYOB... and we aren't bringing any.... but my guy made a kick arse fruit salad to share. Anywho... his group told him yesterday that he needs to not be here. He decided today he is going to be here; however, he is going to put the car down the street for an escape should it get to be too much and is going to a sober living type club and has a couple of invites to sober parties.
It makes me feel really quite horrible about myself... because I feel like I am not supporting him by not going with or making arrangements for this.
This block party has been arranged for a year, my parents live on the same court as us... I have about 10 family members coming as well. It's going to be the 7th block party in a row and this year.... it's going to be an all out one because it's on a Friday. And until all of this went down... I was one of the main organizers for it. ugh....
Anywho...... nobody knows about anything. SO... it's going to be interesting.
Oh.. one of our childhood friends is coming and he got out of rehab about 9 months ago... but I haven't talked with him since. Maybe my guy will talk with him about things?!? IDK.. it's just going to be interesting.
My guy told me that he is going to tell my folks that he has decided to do a detox from alcohol so that is why he is not drinking..... I feel that they will respect that.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
hmmmm - it's interesting because being in recovery is one of the main aspects of my life. Since all programs are ones of attraction not promotion I don't prodcast that this is how I live my life. I have enough addicts/alcoholics in my life that I don't really have to worry too much about justifying why I do what I do - in fact, most people that know me would think that I would be crazy if I didn't go.
I've married flamming addicts that made it obvious to everyone that that is what they are. No big secrets in my world but it's not because I've told them.
I don't think about it too much - my closer friends all know that I go to AA and Alanaon. It turns out that most of my friends also do one or the other.
I bring it up if it's appropriate to the situation. Many times, I have trauma patients that say some "lingo" type of things and then we might talk about it.
I'm glad that I am not having to maintain a personna from my family or friends - that would be hard for me. A lot of my situation is that RAH doesn't hide the fact that he was an active drug addict.
When I am asked in social situations if I want a drink I just say "no thank you, I'd like a coke, club soda, etc." I don't really go into it.
I've married flamming addicts that made it obvious to everyone that that is what they are. No big secrets in my world but it's not because I've told them.
I don't think about it too much - my closer friends all know that I go to AA and Alanaon. It turns out that most of my friends also do one or the other.
I bring it up if it's appropriate to the situation. Many times, I have trauma patients that say some "lingo" type of things and then we might talk about it.
I'm glad that I am not having to maintain a personna from my family or friends - that would be hard for me. A lot of my situation is that RAH doesn't hide the fact that he was an active drug addict.
When I am asked in social situations if I want a drink I just say "no thank you, I'd like a coke, club soda, etc." I don't really go into it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Just tell people he doesn't drink and neither do you. I'm not an alcoholic, but I don't drink. I just don't like it. 30-45 minutes of a nice buzz and then 24 hours of puking or hell just isn't worth it to me. The math never adds up. You could just tell them you are cutting alcohol out of your diet or that you just aren't into drinking. If they keep persisting, just keep persisting back. I've gotten short with people who keep trying to push drinks off on me (most of them just want someone to drink WITH and get drunk WITH.) I usually say, "No, I really don't drink. I just don't enjoy it. You're probably as sick of asking as I am of saying no." (smiles)
It's also a huge money saver when you stop drinking. God, what I saved after I gave up the clubbing/partying lifestyle in my early 20's.
Just because people don't drink doesn't mean they have an addiction. Many people choose not to.
It's also a huge money saver when you stop drinking. God, what I saved after I gave up the clubbing/partying lifestyle in my early 20's.
Just because people don't drink doesn't mean they have an addiction. Many people choose not to.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 347
Ha- I tend to do the opposite. My friends know I'm in recovery, my employer, counselor, PO... If it looks like I'm going to have continued contact with someone, they know. I didn't do a damn thing to hide my using, and I'm actually proud of my recovery--
It saves on explaining down the line, and it makes me accountable to everyone around me.
It saves on explaining down the line, and it makes me accountable to everyone around me.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Orlando and Fort Lauderdale, FL
Posts: 1
I simply say, "I'm allergic to alcohol" or in the case of someone with whom you used to drink, I'd say "I don't tolerate alcohol anymore... I feel better without it"
And, lemme also say, that with time, you'll care less about what people think about you because you'll realize how seldom they do...
Good Luck!
And, lemme also say, that with time, you'll care less about what people think about you because you'll realize how seldom they do...
Good Luck!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Thanks you guys for replying
Well.... it turned out to be not such a high energy drinking festivity.... so it was not even a problem. We were asked to enter a smoke circle.... but I just said we didn't have any. (after a response saying... man ... that's not cool..... you won't smoke us out!)
I think that because it's so new... idk... he isn't wanting to broadcast it. It is bugging him though, but he would rather have more weight. behind him in recovery before he talks about it with everyone. His date for that is November time frame. My family and friends did wonder if he was on something from time to time.... and I would tell them what he told me..... he was not on anything....
Now we have another 2 more family gatherings this weekend... one is for a 4 year old bday party at a bounce house place and then the next is going to be a party for my 1 year old great niece.... where there will be drinking/smoking going on..... he tells me it's fine for me to drink ... but I'm not bothered by not drinking/smoking.... so while I appreciate him not wanting to take that from me... I am just not interested in being stoned or drunk..... or I'm not bothered by being sober along side of him. I feel empowered being happy and high on life
Happy 4th !!!!!!!
Well.... it turned out to be not such a high energy drinking festivity.... so it was not even a problem. We were asked to enter a smoke circle.... but I just said we didn't have any. (after a response saying... man ... that's not cool..... you won't smoke us out!)
I think that because it's so new... idk... he isn't wanting to broadcast it. It is bugging him though, but he would rather have more weight. behind him in recovery before he talks about it with everyone. His date for that is November time frame. My family and friends did wonder if he was on something from time to time.... and I would tell them what he told me..... he was not on anything....
Now we have another 2 more family gatherings this weekend... one is for a 4 year old bday party at a bounce house place and then the next is going to be a party for my 1 year old great niece.... where there will be drinking/smoking going on..... he tells me it's fine for me to drink ... but I'm not bothered by not drinking/smoking.... so while I appreciate him not wanting to take that from me... I am just not interested in being stoned or drunk..... or I'm not bothered by being sober along side of him. I feel empowered being happy and high on life
Happy 4th !!!!!!!
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 427
It's strange because although I am not an alcoholic, several years ago I became diabetic. I would go out with my friends and even though they knew I might have one drink only due to sugar content, people always were pushing drinks to me. I found it almost annoying because I was trying so hard. I eventually stopped meeting everyone because my will power wasn't that great.
People don't make it easy sometimes. But god bless people that listen to you...and don't ask.
People don't make it easy sometimes. But god bless people that listen to you...and don't ask.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Just something to consider. Are many of your friends drinkers/pot smokers/smokers? It might be a wise move to distance yourself from those folks for a while. I can't imagine going through recovery at such a new phase and having people shoving drinks in your face, offering you a joint or the cooler with the beer being "right there" and your mind telling you, "just take one."
Sometimes, you have to weed your garden in order to become more healthy--even if it's just temporary.
Sometimes, you have to weed your garden in order to become more healthy--even if it's just temporary.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: punta gorda florida
Posts: 381
Unless it is a casual acquaintance, Most people know/notice a difference in me, my attitude, my way of looking at things, the way I have handled crisis that has come up...I dont hide the fact of my daughters addiction, Keiths overdose death, or the fact that I have a baby at 50[grandson]...I don't whine, I state facts when asked direct questions...My own program has kept me sane and I consider it necessary to spread my take on recovery when ever and with whoever asks. Part of being honest...I don't know what I would have done without the tools of a program, I know I would be a bitter wreck and Im not...Im very fortunate to have a lot of recovering addicts in my life[long term]...they aren't junkies...they are people that went thru the dark and came out the other side...we think alike and support each other. I do not let active addicts in my realm, alcohol or drug drug use are red flags of chaos for me. Marian
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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What gets me is that it IS family.. and that I spend a lot of my time with them.... and my parents living down the road. I wouldn't be surprised as time goes on that it becomes known sooner than November.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE the people we have met in recovery.... I LOVE people in recovery! I am excited about staying in touch with the folks we have met and moving forward in relationships with them as well as forming new ones.
It's a shame that there are so many family functions this weekend. Then there won't be another one for 2 more weeks... ! We will be going out of town just the 4 of us next weekend so that will be nice! Boys are going on a meditation trip for the weekend and we are going camping alone.
A big part of being in recovery is not lying ..... and I do not like having to make up things about where my s/o is when he is at meetings.... or why our patterns are so different now. I'm doing it.... and will let it all unfold as it's supposed to.... it's just a shame. I'm so proud of him.... but at the same time, I do see his reasoning. Patience is a virtue...
I LOVE LOVE LOVE the people we have met in recovery.... I LOVE people in recovery! I am excited about staying in touch with the folks we have met and moving forward in relationships with them as well as forming new ones.
It's a shame that there are so many family functions this weekend. Then there won't be another one for 2 more weeks... ! We will be going out of town just the 4 of us next weekend so that will be nice! Boys are going on a meditation trip for the weekend and we are going camping alone.
A big part of being in recovery is not lying ..... and I do not like having to make up things about where my s/o is when he is at meetings.... or why our patterns are so different now. I'm doing it.... and will let it all unfold as it's supposed to.... it's just a shame. I'm so proud of him.... but at the same time, I do see his reasoning. Patience is a virtue...
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Tonight we had a friend come by for dinner and he is someone my guy met in rehab. We told all the fun stories of partying and were able to laugh about it .... been there done that type thing and were able to at the same time be so joyous about now being in recovery! It was lovely!
And the best part..... when they were alone talking..... for the first time my guy was with a friend and I didn't have to worry about what drugs they were getting ready to score or whatever it is that was going on that would be drug related.
aaaaaaaaaaah..... exhale...... that was a true blessing! The twinge came back for about 3 seconds and it was so nice to just put it away!
And the best part..... when they were alone talking..... for the first time my guy was with a friend and I didn't have to worry about what drugs they were getting ready to score or whatever it is that was going on that would be drug related.
aaaaaaaaaaah..... exhale...... that was a true blessing!
The twinge came back for about 3 seconds and it was so nice to just put it away!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I'm starting to realize I'm surrounded by addict/alcoholic thinking. Several people know about my daughter and only a few have no problem comprehending a sober life. I have friends that are so used to seeing me drink beer they don't know how to handle it when I don't these days. I don't live a sober life but I no longer reach for a beer first when I hang out with friends. Most times it's water or tea and it sure seems to make people uncomfortable.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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I attract addicts.... it's crazy, but it's true! LOL! Although..... once I started back in recovery codie in December.... I've been attracting RAs! It's a great compromise!
I know what you mean though about it making people uncomfortable when not participating. I'm such a goof when sober that people just might relate to me more when high! hahaha! Hence, my attraction to addicts.... which is now becoming recovering addicts!
I know what you mean though about it making people uncomfortable when not participating. I'm such a goof when sober that people just might relate to me more when high! hahaha! Hence, my attraction to addicts.... which is now becoming recovering addicts!
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