I am a mess!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
I am a mess!
My AH moved out today...at least some of his stuff. I have wanted him out for awhile now, but it is still very hard. He is not using currently, but I just couldn't take it any more. My life has been ruined. My kids are mad at me, but I know I couldn't stay in that situation any more. But, since I decided it was over they are angry. They went with Dad tonight. They both have said such hurtful things to me. I feel so alone. I am not sure how I am supposed to put my life back together.
I allowed him to ruin my life. The one good thing he gave me in the almost 24 years we have been married is my kids... and now they hate me. I am beginning to think that once you are involved with an addict there is no escape and no recovery.
I am in counseling... one more thing for the kids and Dad to use against me and tell me that it just proves that I am nuts. I can't believe this is happening to me and I have no idea how to stop this spiral. I hurt so much I think I could die.
Help!
I allowed him to ruin my life. The one good thing he gave me in the almost 24 years we have been married is my kids... and now they hate me. I am beginning to think that once you are involved with an addict there is no escape and no recovery.
I am in counseling... one more thing for the kids and Dad to use against me and tell me that it just proves that I am nuts. I can't believe this is happening to me and I have no idea how to stop this spiral. I hurt so much I think I could die.
Help!
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
I'm sorry things are difficult for you right now. It's a shame that some people fail to understand the degree of courage and character that is required to do 'the next right thing' and take care of themselves.
It's been my experience that oftentimes that the ones who judge and/or misunderstand me the most are usually in a great deal of pain themselves. Some will seek help and some will not.
Hopefully as some time goes by your kids will see things differently. Until then you are wise to do what you need to do for yourself.
I've never been in your situation but do offer you my support.
ps..
A very wise friend of mine who happens to be a psychologist once told me that the ones who are really nuts are usually the ones who insist they're not. The fact that somebody recognizes they need help, and takes action about it, is a sign of sanity and strength of character.
It's been my experience that oftentimes that the ones who judge and/or misunderstand me the most are usually in a great deal of pain themselves. Some will seek help and some will not.
Hopefully as some time goes by your kids will see things differently. Until then you are wise to do what you need to do for yourself.
I've never been in your situation but do offer you my support.
ps..
A very wise friend of mine who happens to be a psychologist once told me that the ones who are really nuts are usually the ones who insist they're not. The fact that somebody recognizes they need help, and takes action about it, is a sign of sanity and strength of character.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 60
imallright-
I don't know if you read my post but my AH also moved out today and he is not using currently but all his behaviors that got him using are still there and I just had enough. In a way I am relieved he is gone but miss him at the same time. The hardest part is the kids being sad and asking if daddy will come home tonight or tomorrow. They just don't understand.
Your kids don't and won't hate you. They just need time, they are going to go through an emotional rollercoaster of feelings just like we do.
Since we are in similar situations maybe we can encourage each other to be strong!
I don't know if you read my post but my AH also moved out today and he is not using currently but all his behaviors that got him using are still there and I just had enough. In a way I am relieved he is gone but miss him at the same time. The hardest part is the kids being sad and asking if daddy will come home tonight or tomorrow. They just don't understand.
Your kids don't and won't hate you. They just need time, they are going to go through an emotional rollercoaster of feelings just like we do.
Since we are in similar situations maybe we can encourage each other to be strong!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Don't let the guilt eat you up, sweetie. Kids are good at that and so are A's. You know this was a sound, well-thought out decision, and one you didn't take lately or do impulsively. If you can understand that guilt isn't a necessary emotion and is not going to do your survival any good, it will really help. We let it eat us up unnecessarily, especially when kids are involved. They will have their eyes opened in the weeks and months to follow, and things will settle down and change. For the good, I imagine, even though you can't see it right now. Try to take a little "girly" care of yourself for a bit tonight, just to give your brain and heart a break. Run a bath, watch a show, type here but eat something you prepare just for yourself, whatever you do that is "spoil me" stuff. Allow yourself to relax a bit and enjoy the quietness and serenity of an addict-free home and know that with patience, calm and grace you will reach an even keel again in your life, and so will your children. It doesn't happen the first night, so be patient. But do try to nurture yourself tonight and remind yourself that it's really okay, sad yes, but really okay. Hugs to you, imallright.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 115
I needed this thread so very much, as I can share in the lonliness but also the newfound tranquility of a home with no addict. It has been 4 months since I told AH to leave; since that time I have tried every reasonable approach to being open minded about reconciliation after the goal of having a year seperation, active recovery, goals with measurable outcomes, counseling, etc... it has been a real strain. I have realized that I really don't have a husband or a partner in him... I have another "teenager" to deal with.
Although AH's drug tests come back clean, the thinking that has defined his life after decades of drug use still defines our communication... I have tried to explain to him that for so many years he has trained his mind to convince himself that what is very wrong is right and that has spilled into other areas of his life, such as our marriage. I have explained to him that I am unwilling to fend off that kind of thinking as it is the source of selective use of memories to manipulate, blame shifting and crazymaking conversation between us. Of course, he is unable to comprehend this concept nevermind understand how it affects me and the kids.
I can so understand the alone feeling because no matter how many times we explain our perspective, they will not or can not understand. If I hear "I'm sorry" from him one more time... he does not get that some things cannot be fixed by saying "I'm sorry."
My AH has been living w/his mom and hoping to come back home, but he has exaspirated me. We have counseling next Tuesday and I am going to tell him that I have decided to move forward with the divorce. I am very anxious about this, and sad, because the dreams I had for our life together were simply never going to happen to begin with. I feel ambushed by this addiction; like an enemy infiltrated my home. AH is not the enemy, but the addiction playing out in his life is.
Like Imallright and thisisnotmylife, there is so much to do to take care of the kids and myself but sometimes I feel I am the only one in my world who really sees how difficult things have been (and how hard it is to try and pick up the pieces to use the whole experience to be a better person for having gone through it).
Fending off an AH who, although he is trying to work his own kind of recovery, does not fully comprehend the trauma he has put me and my children through is like being on the board end of a game of darts. He wants so much praise for taking his baby steps and just wants me to trust him that he won't use again and will get "better." How hurtful. He has no clue the trail of damage he has caused in my heart and in the hearts and lives of my children. How could he reasonably expect me to gamble my life and the children's lives on his addiction/recovery process? That's the thing that I am learning, though, addiction is not reasonable... it is a monster that wants to destroy and kill anything it touches.
It is lonely, and sad, and so very disappointing. Please hang in there. If you can, I can too, ok?
Although AH's drug tests come back clean, the thinking that has defined his life after decades of drug use still defines our communication... I have tried to explain to him that for so many years he has trained his mind to convince himself that what is very wrong is right and that has spilled into other areas of his life, such as our marriage. I have explained to him that I am unwilling to fend off that kind of thinking as it is the source of selective use of memories to manipulate, blame shifting and crazymaking conversation between us. Of course, he is unable to comprehend this concept nevermind understand how it affects me and the kids.
I can so understand the alone feeling because no matter how many times we explain our perspective, they will not or can not understand. If I hear "I'm sorry" from him one more time... he does not get that some things cannot be fixed by saying "I'm sorry."
My AH has been living w/his mom and hoping to come back home, but he has exaspirated me. We have counseling next Tuesday and I am going to tell him that I have decided to move forward with the divorce. I am very anxious about this, and sad, because the dreams I had for our life together were simply never going to happen to begin with. I feel ambushed by this addiction; like an enemy infiltrated my home. AH is not the enemy, but the addiction playing out in his life is.
Like Imallright and thisisnotmylife, there is so much to do to take care of the kids and myself but sometimes I feel I am the only one in my world who really sees how difficult things have been (and how hard it is to try and pick up the pieces to use the whole experience to be a better person for having gone through it).
Fending off an AH who, although he is trying to work his own kind of recovery, does not fully comprehend the trauma he has put me and my children through is like being on the board end of a game of darts. He wants so much praise for taking his baby steps and just wants me to trust him that he won't use again and will get "better." How hurtful. He has no clue the trail of damage he has caused in my heart and in the hearts and lives of my children. How could he reasonably expect me to gamble my life and the children's lives on his addiction/recovery process? That's the thing that I am learning, though, addiction is not reasonable... it is a monster that wants to destroy and kill anything it touches.
It is lonely, and sad, and so very disappointing. Please hang in there. If you can, I can too, ok?
Last edited by kidsandmemake3; 07-03-2008 at 10:01 PM.
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((((((imallright))))))
Just remember how many times AH has manipulated you.........................now remember how you felt when the light bulb went on.
This is what is happening and is going to happen to your children. They will need Mom and a 'strong Mom' when the light bulb goes on.
The truth will set them free as it has set you free. When that time arrives, just be there for them, as I know you will. Your children are entering the h*ll and denial that you have already experienced.
Continue your therapy. Continue to post here, vent, scream, rant, rave, cry, and yes even laugh, we are here for you.
Please remember you didn't allow him to 'ruin your life' only a portion of it, and now you have a whole new life awaiting you and believe it or not your children also.
They will come around, in their own time.
For now, continue to do for YOU.
We care.
Love and hugs,
Just remember how many times AH has manipulated you.........................now remember how you felt when the light bulb went on.
This is what is happening and is going to happen to your children. They will need Mom and a 'strong Mom' when the light bulb goes on.
The truth will set them free as it has set you free. When that time arrives, just be there for them, as I know you will. Your children are entering the h*ll and denial that you have already experienced.
Continue your therapy. Continue to post here, vent, scream, rant, rave, cry, and yes even laugh, we are here for you.
Please remember you didn't allow him to 'ruin your life' only a portion of it, and now you have a whole new life awaiting you and believe it or not your children also.
They will come around, in their own time.
For now, continue to do for YOU.
We care.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: So cal
Posts: 21
"Fending off an AH who, although he is trying to work his own kind of recovery, does not fully comprehend the trauma he has put me and my children through is like being on the board end of a game of darts. He wants so much praise for taking his baby steps and just wants me to trust him that he won't use again and will get "better." How hurtful. He has no clue the trail of damage he has caused in my heart and in the hearts and lives of my children. How could he reasonably expect me to gamble my life and the children's lives on his addiction/recovery process? That's the thing that I am learning, though, addiction is not reasonable... it is a monster that wants to destroy and kill anything it touches."
SO VERY VERY TRUE.
Yes - your kids are going to be pissed - most likely because "daddy" has been their playmate and not their parent, which you are. ANd as we all know, children/teenagers will always find some resentment towards their parents at some point in their lives. Just keep YOU strong and your kids will ultimately and perhaps very soon realize that Mom is the one who is going to keep them stable and strong. If he is that much of an addict, he won't even last that long either. Even sober - there is no way he can comprhend how to be a sole parent, even for a few days at a time. What I have learned is that the addict's mental development pretty much stops at the age they started using drugs becuase that is when they started avoiding life. So, if you ex started using in his teens, he is mentally still a selfish teenager. Don't worry, this is a temporary situation I guarantee you - your kids love you FOREVER and they will figure it out soon enough. Just be supportive of them and let them figure it out themselves - be strong, encouraging and loving. Don't be sad or act like a victim. They are your babies and they know it. They just need to believe that it is someone's fault and since he (probably) has always done such a good job at blaming you, they are on the bandwagon too. Chin up. tons of hugs and prayers. Go to alanon. Don't be alone. You will NO DOUBT come out stronger, I am sure of it. Now - go and enjoy your free time with some friends!!!
SO VERY VERY TRUE.
Yes - your kids are going to be pissed - most likely because "daddy" has been their playmate and not their parent, which you are. ANd as we all know, children/teenagers will always find some resentment towards their parents at some point in their lives. Just keep YOU strong and your kids will ultimately and perhaps very soon realize that Mom is the one who is going to keep them stable and strong. If he is that much of an addict, he won't even last that long either. Even sober - there is no way he can comprhend how to be a sole parent, even for a few days at a time. What I have learned is that the addict's mental development pretty much stops at the age they started using drugs becuase that is when they started avoiding life. So, if you ex started using in his teens, he is mentally still a selfish teenager. Don't worry, this is a temporary situation I guarantee you - your kids love you FOREVER and they will figure it out soon enough. Just be supportive of them and let them figure it out themselves - be strong, encouraging and loving. Don't be sad or act like a victim. They are your babies and they know it. They just need to believe that it is someone's fault and since he (probably) has always done such a good job at blaming you, they are on the bandwagon too. Chin up. tons of hugs and prayers. Go to alanon. Don't be alone. You will NO DOUBT come out stronger, I am sure of it. Now - go and enjoy your free time with some friends!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Thank you all. I made it through the night.... no surprise to all of you, right? The sun is out and I have tons of work to do around here, he never picked up after himself or took care of the house while he was supposedly an active partner, why should he start now... it will keep me busy.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate the support I get from all of you. You help me to keep going and be strong. You help me to realize that maybe I am not nuts... that or the whole bunch of us is... HA!!!!!
So, for today... I am going to attempt to stop crying. I am going to attempt to do some positive work around the house. I am going to know that I will survive. I am not going to argue with the kids... should they show up. I am going to remember that this was not a whim, but a healthy decision that I HAD to make after years and years of pain. AND, I am going to try to do something fun. Much as it seems overwhelming and impossible, I have to.
I have to remind myself that I turned a corner when I realized that the answer was NOT, I just want it to be over with, I just want to be dead. The answer was that I WANT TO LIVE and I need to make it happen. No going back now, so find a way to move forward. That is what I have asked for and I have to remember that my HP has opened the door and has a plan.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate the support I get from all of you. You help me to keep going and be strong. You help me to realize that maybe I am not nuts... that or the whole bunch of us is... HA!!!!!
So, for today... I am going to attempt to stop crying. I am going to attempt to do some positive work around the house. I am going to know that I will survive. I am not going to argue with the kids... should they show up. I am going to remember that this was not a whim, but a healthy decision that I HAD to make after years and years of pain. AND, I am going to try to do something fun. Much as it seems overwhelming and impossible, I have to.
I have to remind myself that I turned a corner when I realized that the answer was NOT, I just want it to be over with, I just want to be dead. The answer was that I WANT TO LIVE and I need to make it happen. No going back now, so find a way to move forward. That is what I have asked for and I have to remember that my HP has opened the door and has a plan.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 115
(((((Hugs to you, Imallright)))))
Thank you for posting: I am glad you got through the night. I hope you have a really productive day fixing up your nest today. It can be very cleansing and refreshing to take back your home, make it yours again, and purge the sickness that once ruled... now only love guides your home and it will be a peaceful place of refuge.
Thank you for posting: I am glad you got through the night. I hope you have a really productive day fixing up your nest today. It can be very cleansing and refreshing to take back your home, make it yours again, and purge the sickness that once ruled... now only love guides your home and it will be a peaceful place of refuge.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Thanks Kidsandme... in my house we make 3 too! All of the posts, but in particular yours really said it for me. Thank you for taking the time to share and to help. Life has to be better, but it's baby steps, I know. It took me 24 rough, long years in that crazy relationship to get here and it will take time to heal and move ahead.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
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you are going to be alright. the hardest part is over, making him leave. your kids will come around.give that some time.do the things you always wanted to do & couldn't. take care of you. prayers,
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Louisiana
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I really needed this thread.
Just yesterday, I told my RAH that I am tired of raising the kids by myself when he is still here. I am tired of my time off spent cleaning house and unpleasant things when his is spent on his DEER! All he could say is....I"m sorry. I'm trying. I'll try harder!" Then I feel guilty! But he is not my teen/child. He is suppose to be my husband.
He has been out of rehab 6 months. BUT his drug use has been 6 years. He "left" a long time ago. I know he is living moment by moment with recovery. But I have been living moment by moment with an addict. I am tired! He is trying, but I see a man who is in another world and exists with us. I see a man that I am suppose to be sharing married life's battles and happiness and I don't!
I am walking the same path, but I have not left yet. I keep asking myself if my kids would understand and be better off if I leave. They have to be with me being happier. I think if I wait 4 more years my oldest will be 18 then next 16 then last 12. BUT then I would have stayed in this marriage 22 years!! I will be 45!!! Is that what I want?! PLEASE keep posting...........
Just yesterday, I told my RAH that I am tired of raising the kids by myself when he is still here. I am tired of my time off spent cleaning house and unpleasant things when his is spent on his DEER! All he could say is....I"m sorry. I'm trying. I'll try harder!" Then I feel guilty! But he is not my teen/child. He is suppose to be my husband.
He has been out of rehab 6 months. BUT his drug use has been 6 years. He "left" a long time ago. I know he is living moment by moment with recovery. But I have been living moment by moment with an addict. I am tired! He is trying, but I see a man who is in another world and exists with us. I see a man that I am suppose to be sharing married life's battles and happiness and I don't!
I am walking the same path, but I have not left yet. I keep asking myself if my kids would understand and be better off if I leave. They have to be with me being happier. I think if I wait 4 more years my oldest will be 18 then next 16 then last 12. BUT then I would have stayed in this marriage 22 years!! I will be 45!!! Is that what I want?! PLEASE keep posting...........
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Posts: 718
Only you can decide what you want and need, however I will offer that I have been married to this man for almost 24 years and I am 45. Anniversaries have never been happy for me, just a sign that I had "wasted" another year. I decided no more. There is no looking back now. I am certainly not blissful this morning... or even happy, but there is not craziness in my house at the moment, and for that I am grateful.
I have to believe that my own sanity and the sometimes loneliness (sp) that goes along with this all are part of my recovery and are all things that I can deal with. The kids will deal. I am done feeling guilt for something I didn't cause. I have always, always, always been there for my kids. I love them more than anything. The mistake I made was to forget about me and to stay in the marriage. BUT.... not any more.
11D.... take care of you. Don't be like me and waste any time, however, know that you will do things ONLY in your own time. For me that was 23+ years. For you it may be 22.... Hugs to you.
I have to believe that my own sanity and the sometimes loneliness (sp) that goes along with this all are part of my recovery and are all things that I can deal with. The kids will deal. I am done feeling guilt for something I didn't cause. I have always, always, always been there for my kids. I love them more than anything. The mistake I made was to forget about me and to stay in the marriage. BUT.... not any more.
11D.... take care of you. Don't be like me and waste any time, however, know that you will do things ONLY in your own time. For me that was 23+ years. For you it may be 22.... Hugs to you.
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(((imallright)))
I'm glad you made it thru the night.
I'm sorry for your hard night, but things will get better! You know that, all you need to do is keep on working on you!
Try to remember, addicts acting like adolescents is addict behavior - teenagers acting like adolescents is typical and normal! You're getting double-whammied!
Good thoughts and extra strength coming your way while you start this new chapter! You sound resolved and clear! Good to hear it!
(((hugs)))
I'm glad you made it thru the night.
I'm sorry for your hard night, but things will get better! You know that, all you need to do is keep on working on you!
Try to remember, addicts acting like adolescents is addict behavior - teenagers acting like adolescents is typical and normal! You're getting double-whammied!
Good thoughts and extra strength coming your way while you start this new chapter! You sound resolved and clear! Good to hear it!
(((hugs)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
I am hanging in. Spent the morning cleaning my bedroom top to bottom. Haven't slept there since last September. I am going out to buy a new mattress and box springs and then moving back in... alone! MY Room.
Haven't heard from the kids, but AH was here to pick up some of his stuff. I just stayed upstairs and stayed busy. Thanks again for all the support.
Haven't heard from the kids, but AH was here to pick up some of his stuff. I just stayed upstairs and stayed busy. Thanks again for all the support.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 115
It is strange, isn't it? I am packing up some of my AH's things and it is so wierd... packing up his stuff is like when I packed up my grandparents stuff after they passed away last year... only AH is not dead... but the life I dreamed of having with him is dead.
I don't know about you, but when I clean up and reclaim the space we once shared, it is a sad empty feeling for the loss of the life and dreams I thougt AH and I shared but it is also a hopeful empty feeling because of the good things which will take place in my life because of the good choices I am making. Those good things eventually will spill over into the lives of my children as well.
I am thinking of you and thisisnotmylife, and all the others who have decided to remove themselves from the craziness that a loved one has dumped into our laps. Take hold of your courage and we will be courageous together.
(((hugs)))
I don't know about you, but when I clean up and reclaim the space we once shared, it is a sad empty feeling for the loss of the life and dreams I thougt AH and I shared but it is also a hopeful empty feeling because of the good things which will take place in my life because of the good choices I am making. Those good things eventually will spill over into the lives of my children as well.
I am thinking of you and thisisnotmylife, and all the others who have decided to remove themselves from the craziness that a loved one has dumped into our laps. Take hold of your courage and we will be courageous together.
(((hugs)))
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi glad to meet you, i'm a ra and like you, single mom of 7, married 22yrs to an addict. i agree with the others. your kids will be ok, sounds like he is doing what addicts do, manipulate everyone involved, kids included. i was told that as i get better so will my kids. my ah has everyone in my family and his thinking i was the sick one, i even started believing it myself. once he was out the house and i begain to focus on me and what was best for the kids, they begain to see how destructive his behasvior had been to us and then to him. not your fault, you have nothing to feel guilty about. in time, your kids will began to understand. in my opinion, your actions may not only benefit you and the kids but maybe him also. i'll keep you and your family in my prayers
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