Looking for any input-
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 347
Looking for any input-
This is my first time venturing into this section of the forum, because it's the first time I've had significant feelings for another addict.
Another guy and I (I'm gay) have become really close. In the past, he's kicked "harder" drugs, but kept drinking and smoking weed. I use quotes because, for me anyway, a drug is a drug. Very recently he's started going to NA meetings, to get the rest of the way clean, which is a very good thing. I've encouraged him, because I know what a difference it's made to me.
He's been expressing that he feels disconnected from his local group, and frustrated (we're in different cities- same state, usually we talk on the phone and keep in touch however possible.) I'm trying to be encouraging- I know that it takes time to start feeling connected, from personal experience.
There's feelings on both sides, but I have less than a year clean myself, and I'm really not comfortable seeing someone else with less than a year clean in any significant way. As per his frustration, he's also said that if he doesn't feel anything after 90 days, he's going to stop going.
If that happens- I can't do the relationship thing, I know that. We're still just friends- ha, kind of close intense friends- but friends- at this point. I want him to stay in the program for himself, not because I'm giving him an ultimatum. My question I guess is- do I tell him, that that's where I'm at, and worry that he stays in the program because of what I told him, or be supportive of his work in the program, and let the chips fall where they may?
I have like- zero relationship experience, so- any input would be helpful.
Another guy and I (I'm gay) have become really close. In the past, he's kicked "harder" drugs, but kept drinking and smoking weed. I use quotes because, for me anyway, a drug is a drug. Very recently he's started going to NA meetings, to get the rest of the way clean, which is a very good thing. I've encouraged him, because I know what a difference it's made to me.
He's been expressing that he feels disconnected from his local group, and frustrated (we're in different cities- same state, usually we talk on the phone and keep in touch however possible.) I'm trying to be encouraging- I know that it takes time to start feeling connected, from personal experience.
There's feelings on both sides, but I have less than a year clean myself, and I'm really not comfortable seeing someone else with less than a year clean in any significant way. As per his frustration, he's also said that if he doesn't feel anything after 90 days, he's going to stop going.
If that happens- I can't do the relationship thing, I know that. We're still just friends- ha, kind of close intense friends- but friends- at this point. I want him to stay in the program for himself, not because I'm giving him an ultimatum. My question I guess is- do I tell him, that that's where I'm at, and worry that he stays in the program because of what I told him, or be supportive of his work in the program, and let the chips fall where they may?
I have like- zero relationship experience, so- any input would be helpful.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Sounds like you have boundaries and stating boundaries are not ultimatums. What another person chooses to do about your boundaries is up to them. If they disrespect them, they know the consequences, it's not a punishment.
You have to take care of YOU first! You know this, it sounds like, so keep reminding yourself. With less than a year yourself, you don't want to put yourself into a situation that could jeopardize all of your own work. Worry about what's going to keep you going to your meetings and what's going to be healthy for you!
Say what you mean without saying it mean!
Good luck!
You have to take care of YOU first! You know this, it sounds like, so keep reminding yourself. With less than a year yourself, you don't want to put yourself into a situation that could jeopardize all of your own work. Worry about what's going to keep you going to your meetings and what's going to be healthy for you!
Say what you mean without saying it mean!
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
hands off the addict is our motto. i would just explain to him he needs a sponsor & that is where you get one. an addict needs to stay with the winners to be one. a meeting is for information & facts on how to stay clean not necessary to make friends.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((sct)) - I agree with CW...boundaries aren't ultimatums. They are just what we need to keep our sanity and recovery.
I'm a recovering addict, too, as well as a recovering codie (codependent), which is why I love this forum. For me, personally, there is no way I could be involved with someone who is new to recovery. I would be totally focused on THEIR recovery, trying to help them get to where I am now, and I would forget about MY recovery. But, that's just me.
I don't think I would have been a very good girlfriend to anyone when I was in early recovery, either. I couldn't figure out what I wanted, who I was, and dealing with life stuff (and consequences from my using) was pretty stressful.
I think as long as you put your recovery first and what you need from a relationship and what you expect from a partner in mind, you will figure out what to do.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm a recovering addict, too, as well as a recovering codie (codependent), which is why I love this forum. For me, personally, there is no way I could be involved with someone who is new to recovery. I would be totally focused on THEIR recovery, trying to help them get to where I am now, and I would forget about MY recovery. But, that's just me.
I don't think I would have been a very good girlfriend to anyone when I was in early recovery, either. I couldn't figure out what I wanted, who I was, and dealing with life stuff (and consequences from my using) was pretty stressful.
I think as long as you put your recovery first and what you need from a relationship and what you expect from a partner in mind, you will figure out what to do.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
hi and welcome. I am a double winner too (alcoholic and codie) and I know that the first thing that I need to do is to protect my sobriety. Someone that is still drinking and smoking weed isn't a safe person for me to be involved with. It especially wouldn't have worked in my first year of sobriety. People change so much as they grow in recovery. I unfortunately, married my husband in my first year of recovery. I have lived to deeply regret doing that and now understand why we are encouraged to wait. I have grown into a different person and he has not. We are very ill suited and he is not capable of meeting the needs that I have. I am saddled with a situation that could have been avoided if I had simply waited and seen how things went.
Boundaries are good to have and knowing what consequences you are ready to enforce is important too. Boundaries are not ultimatims - only a statement of what your limits are. The only person that can state your limits is you.
He has already told you that if he doesn't feel anything in 90 days that he is done. Would you be willing to put things on hold until he is able to see if recovery is something that he is interested in. After I married my addict husband he then told me that 12 step programs were just not his "gig". Wish that he had shared that earlier but he was dishonest with me because he was manipulating me into the relationship.
If in doubt, don't is a powerful saying......no harm in waiting in this situation. If and when you are more comfortable you will know it.
Keep taking care of yourself and congrats on your sobriety!
Boundaries are good to have and knowing what consequences you are ready to enforce is important too. Boundaries are not ultimatims - only a statement of what your limits are. The only person that can state your limits is you.
He has already told you that if he doesn't feel anything in 90 days that he is done. Would you be willing to put things on hold until he is able to see if recovery is something that he is interested in. After I married my addict husband he then told me that 12 step programs were just not his "gig". Wish that he had shared that earlier but he was dishonest with me because he was manipulating me into the relationship.
If in doubt, don't is a powerful saying......no harm in waiting in this situation. If and when you are more comfortable you will know it.
Keep taking care of yourself and congrats on your sobriety!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Langley, BC
Posts: 1,007
((Sct))
I sympathize with you right now, hard enough to find someone you want to be with - let alone someone you really care about - but then throw addiction into the mix and jeez.......
sucks.
He's lucky to have you around to try and help him through things, but he really has to be into it himself. My worry is that you get closer to him, he stays clean for the first little while and then decides his 90 days is up and he doesn't want to bother anymore. then you get hurt worse. or I assume you would. But you don't want to lose him as a friend either..........
bahahhaha. ok fine, so I'm not much help here........(I tried)
I think it's probably too soon to get too serious until you(he) has time behind him. You've had lots of great, and direct (a-hem, yeah, direct
) advice for me, picture me asking the same question to you, and let me know what your advice would be.
I sympathize with you right now, hard enough to find someone you want to be with - let alone someone you really care about - but then throw addiction into the mix and jeez.......
sucks.
He's lucky to have you around to try and help him through things, but he really has to be into it himself. My worry is that you get closer to him, he stays clean for the first little while and then decides his 90 days is up and he doesn't want to bother anymore. then you get hurt worse. or I assume you would. But you don't want to lose him as a friend either..........
bahahhaha. ok fine, so I'm not much help here........(I tried)
I think it's probably too soon to get too serious until you(he) has time behind him. You've had lots of great, and direct (a-hem, yeah, direct
) advice for me, picture me asking the same question to you, and let me know what your advice would be.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Boundaries are good and it's a wise move to consider your own sobriety and mental/physical health. His "ultimatum" with the 90 days thing seems like an awfully big open door he's leaving for himself if he wants to back out and start using again. Whether or not that is his (conscious or unconscious) intention, it's hard to say.
I know it has to be hard to "wait and see" in a situation like this. As a recovering addict, how would you feel if he stopped going and things were left in the air? Would you feel your own recovery would be at risk? If the answer is yes, then that is definitely something to consider.
I know that's not much help. But, please kick your shoes off and make yourself at home! Nice to meet you.
And finally....
I know it has to be hard to "wait and see" in a situation like this. As a recovering addict, how would you feel if he stopped going and things were left in the air? Would you feel your own recovery would be at risk? If the answer is yes, then that is definitely something to consider.
I know that's not much help. But, please kick your shoes off and make yourself at home! Nice to meet you.
And finally....
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 347
Thanks for all your help guys. I did talk with him tonight, and explained my side of things, including that I'm not really comfortable dating anyone until I have at least a year clean. Things are a little weird right now- but not broken, both still clean and mostly platonic. We both kind of... freaked briefly, but, I'm ok. Still clean.
And Krista- I'd tell you to give it time
Which is what I'm trying very hard to do.
And Krista- I'd tell you to give it time
Which is what I'm trying very hard to do.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
sct - being patient is the hardest thing I've had to learn....it has NEVER been one of my virtues!!
But, in these last almost-16-months of recovery, I have had to learn it. Things simply haven't moved as fast as I wanted them to. The funny thing is, every time I get mad because something isn't happening the way I want it to, or as fast as I want it to, a little while later, I will realize things really did turn out for the best.
I just focus on staying clean, doing what I'm supposed to and so far, it's worked. I'm STILL impatient, but I'm working on it
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
But, in these last almost-16-months of recovery, I have had to learn it. Things simply haven't moved as fast as I wanted them to. The funny thing is, every time I get mad because something isn't happening the way I want it to, or as fast as I want it to, a little while later, I will realize things really did turn out for the best.
I just focus on staying clean, doing what I'm supposed to and so far, it's worked. I'm STILL impatient, but I'm working on it
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
There are many double winners here. I met one specifically in my Al-anon meeting. He has been a recovering alcoholic for 15 years. When his son started to use he knew he had to get himself back to meetings regularly. Although it helped center him and recommit him to sobriety, it didn't help him deal with being a loved one of an addict. "Being on the other side" as he called it, felt far more powerless than he ever felt over alcohol. He felt it was far more emotionally challenging than kicking booze for him. He just couldn't stay out of his son's life. He wanted desperately to save him from the life path he had walked. So he decided to visit an Al-Anon meeting and he knew he had a new home. He said for him although they used the same steps as AA, the process is very different, understanding the lack of control and learning detachment had a different place, and a far more important one today in his recovery.
He isn't the only one in our group who finds that although they are in one type of recovery, relationships have them finding they have more than one "fit" for them. Being new to you recovery you definitely need to keep the focus on you.
He isn't the only one in our group who finds that although they are in one type of recovery, relationships have them finding they have more than one "fit" for them. Being new to you recovery you definitely need to keep the focus on you.
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