jojo

I can't do this alone any longer. Two detoxes in 3 weeks. Home 1 day and started up again. He needs long term treatment. He is self employed with no insurance so we will have to go through community health. If they won't help then I don't know what to do. I haven't told his kids because he doesn't want them to know. His brother who lives here in town knows about the detoxes but not that he is still drinking. He has been helpful financially in the past but not emotionally supportive. I need some help and don't know where to turn. We are going to put the house on the market and took on a big yard project and I have piles of dirt and wood chips sitting in the yard. I have tried to work on it a little every day but it is just too much for me.

Since he is self employed if he isn't working we have no money.
I sold my car a month ago, thank God, because that is what we are living on. If he goes into treatment for a month, I will make it. If he doesn't go into treatment, I don't think that I will make it.

HOW IN GOD's NAME DID ALL OF THIS HAPPEN???????????????
How the hell did I get myself in this mess?????? Everything is all tangled up inside my head. I know I need to grab ahold of something and start working on it but I am feeling so overwhelmed right now.

I need some help from somewhere to deal with this. Would it be wrong of me to let his family know what is going on? His kids are all adults and know that their dad is an A but think that he hasn't been drinking in years - since he married me. They all think I'm wonder woman - hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! We basically do not have a support system. What do you all think I should do?
I need your input fast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks.

EyesOpen

Suppose the financial problems weren't caused by alcohol, but by some other illness. If some other trama had happened that would:

1. cause your husband to not be able to work
2. cause your schedule to be upset & not have a lot of extra time and energy
3. cause an unexpected expense to get him well.

What would you do? Would you feel comfortable talking to his kids & asking for help? Talking to your family? Going to your church and asking for help?

For some reason, alcohol screws up our lives, and then we feel like we're not allowed to admit that it's happening.

Do what YOU need to do in order to keep YOU financially secure.

Debbie

******{Jojo}}}}}

I wish I had some advise for you but I don't. Telling his children is a decision you would have to make, and perhaps they already know deep down that he is drinking. I just don't know.

I read your post a couple times and was hoping something wise would pop into my head but it didn't. All I can send you are hugs and prayers that thing will work out.

Hang in there.

Many hugs.
Love,
Debbie

2many2count

Jojo,
I was in your same situation about a year ago. My husband went into Detox for 7 days and out. He was supposed to be on a waiting list for Walter B. Jones treatment Center. When it came time to go he hadn't had a drink in 3 weeks so he said he could do it without it and just with Intensive Substance Abuse Program. Well, he didn't follow through with it and he relapsed over and over. He will tell you now that he made the worst decision ever not going into long term treatment. Just something for you think about. You can make it if he goes. You'll find a way just like eyesopen said!


Hugs and Prayers,
2many

By the way....he is still drinking.

margo

(((((Jojo))))) I don't really know what to suggest for you, but I'm sending you some hugs and support. Many times, people are well-aware of what's going on even though we may think otherwise. The decision whether or not to say something to his kids is not an easy one, but don't forget this isn't just about him - it's about you too and the effect that his drinking is having on your life and health. You also need support and if you think that you will be able to make things easier for you by confinding in them, then it's definitely something for you to consider. You shouldn't have to carry this all alone.

Hope things get better for you, and soon!

Love and hugs.

liddy

HI( (( Jojo)))

so sorry. eyesopen had some good thoughts,
this is a disease and we wouldnt feel quite as
bad asking for help if it were an "exceptable" disease.
We all know the A needs to hit bottom but people do
have to live, and you sound realy overwhelmed right
now. Why is this all kept from the adult children ?

Jojo are you going to alanon? It wont put dinner on the
table but it helps the craziness going on in our head.

take care of yourself
hugs
liddy

prettywoman

I was reading your post and I feel for you. I am sorry for all your pain but ultimately it is what you chose if you reamin in this unhealthy relationship.

This is the kind of life you will live until you get better and know you worth more.

Love yourself more and make healthy choices. Being with an A is not a healthy choice.

I sound harsh and cold maybe but I mean this with all the love and care.

I been away for almost 7 month and int hat 7 month I have had a hard time because I love my ex a lot. I just know it is not healthy being around all of this dysfunction. There is a life out there for you .

I think that his whole family should know what is going on so that they can support you if they will.

Have a family meeting , get everyone together and tell them what is the truth.

Good luck sweetie, huggs and bless you.

It is so hard to really let go because underneath all that awful adiction and behavior there is a human being that we do love........sighs....

jojo

Thanks again everyone for your concern and advice. I must sound like I'm either really stupid or really stubborn because I keep saying the say thing using different words!!!

My A is back in detox today. Peace and quiet until Sunday. I am going to an Alanon meeting tomorrow at noon and will ask if anyone would be able to pick me up now and then for this meeting since we have only the one vehicle now. He will probably get out of detox Sunday and then I have to take him Monday morning to the county agency to meet with a clinician to see if they will approve him for long term treatment. I'm praying really hard that they will since that is the only way he can go unless we hit the lottery or money drops from heaven! Miracles do happen, don't they?

Unfortunately, if he can't get himself straightened out, he will either drink himself to death or end up on the street and I can't let him take me with him. All I can do is be there to support him if his effort is sincere. If he manages to gather himself and make his sobriety the most important thing in the world, I will be filled with joy for him because he truly is a kind, loving man.

Right now he doesn't know what joy is. He doesn't know if he wants to live or die. I can't imagine that feeling. What would it be like to not enjoy the flowers and the birds or even a simple breeze against your cheek? Without joy, life would be almost intolerable.

Please say a prayer for both of us.

Jo

margo

((((((Jojo)))))) Yes, miracles do happen and I will say a prayer that one will happen for your husband and for you. I really admire the love that you have for your husband and that you are willing to stand by him in his efforts - don't let anyone tell you that you are guaranteed nothing but pain by staying. You are keeping hope and love alive in your heart and that is an incredible thing. It's easy to stay when things are going good, and it's not so easy when faced with what you have been dealing with. It is plain to see that your husband means more to you than his alcoholism, and that, to me, is what love is all about.

I'm really happy to hear that you're going to a meeting. Al-Anon is an incredible organization and I'm sure that there will be many willing to help you with transportation. Let us know how it goes!

Love and hugs.

Rainy

JoJo,
You sound so sad, and I am sending you big hugs and prayers to both you and your husband. I want to share with you a little about my situation. My H is a chronic relapser as well. I have been with him for a little over 4 years now, married almost 2. he is a binge drinker, and his drinking got to the point that he would leave for days at a time. He is the kindest most loving man I’ve ever known, but this last year and a half has been hell. He went to treatment last fall but wasn’t serious, did it because I said I was done with all of it. I wasn’t much better myself then, I was so angry and full of bitterness that even if he had been serious I probably would have literally nagged him back to drinking again. He was drinking within a couple months after he came back home and was lying, stealing, whatever it took to hide it as best he could. He started leaving again and would go off by himself camping for days. The last time it happened, I finally had reached my end again, I didn’t ever want to see him again. When he called to come home I told him no. he told me he would die if he stayed out any longer. I told him he would die if he came home b/c it was just a matter of time now. he went back to detox, back to treatment and now is in a recovery house. He finally got it this time, at least I believe so. He’s changed, he’s working his program seriously, he goes to 2-3 meetings a day, we go to church again. It’s not been easy and both of us have had a lot to work on.

Most importantly is that you say you love your husband and you want to support him if he is serious. That is the best gift you can give an addict that has nothing left to live for. my H told me not to long ago that he doesn’t know if he would have made it if I hadn’t of let him come home and then driven him over to the ER for an evaluation before detox and treatment. Because when I left him I told him I loved him and would support his effort, I gave him some hope. He too didn’t know whether he wanted to live or die. I can’t imagine being in that state of mind either.

The love and support that you give your husband may be what saves him from his addiction and gives him the desire to try and keep trying.

Alanon will help you make healthy choices for yourself. We become so wrapped up in their worlds that we have forgotten how to take care of ourselves, set boundaries, detach from their addiction.

Over the past 3 months I have watched my H grow and learn to be proud of himself again, becoming much like he was when I first met him, and even better in some ways. I know that we have a long journey ahead of us but I am thankful that I have stayed.

I wish you the very best and will keep you in my thoughts. Please let us know how you and your husband are doing.

still learning

(((Jojo))) Thank you for sharing. Take courage! Say the Serenity Prayer over and over and over. Breath it into your soul. You can do it. You can do it. There will be answers. It looks like you have already taken positive steps with your husband. Loving you, loving him, whatever it takes, do it. I always felt that taking a shower helped ease the pain - a good place to cry.

As you go through this time of challenge, do good things for yourself. Drink plenty of water. Keep yourself looking good. Maybe follow www.flylady.net. I like Marla because her daily reminders help keep me on track and she has great testimonials how lives are changing.

It's wonderful that you can share and that you both are moving forward toward recovery. ((((More HUGS)))

paige n

Jojo,
boy do I feel your pain! Last December my AH was at his worst and I drove his sorry butt to the hospital at least once, sometimes twice a week because he was so drunk I thought he would die. And I did all this with 6 month old twins riding in the back. It was pure hell and I never, ever want to go back to that. Since then he's been through 2 rehabs and does well for about 2 months and then relapses again. I pray for you and your hubby. It sounds like you really love him and its good to support him. I've been supporting my A for a long time even though we're living apart now. I finally decided it was too much chaos for me and have let him work it out for himself. We do, however, still talk daily and I try to encourage him and build up his self esteem a little bit. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself. Really, you have to decide what's best for YOU. TAke good care.
Paige