He is going fishing
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
He is going fishing
Hi everyone my AH has been sober for 5 days and has put himself in an outpatient program along with his meds and his regular weekly therapist that he started. he said he is ready for help.
Anyway being the codependent person that I am he has decided to go fishing tomorrow and am so scared and worried that he may drink and come home drunk. I know I should not be worrying about his, but I am and i can't sleep.
i did not make a big fuss about it or ask him if he was going to drink, but he told me not to worry that he has no plans on drinking. His brother is aware of the problem and that is who he is going fishing with and I know his brother won't let him drink should he try to, so I am not sure if my feelings are normal or if I am being my usual crazy self. I just wanted to try and enjoy the holiday weekend without added stress. Am I being selfish to not trust him? I really have no reason TO trust him yet. 5 days sober after being hospitalized and in restraints with the level of alcohol he had - I just can't trust him.
Anyway being the codependent person that I am he has decided to go fishing tomorrow and am so scared and worried that he may drink and come home drunk. I know I should not be worrying about his, but I am and i can't sleep.
i did not make a big fuss about it or ask him if he was going to drink, but he told me not to worry that he has no plans on drinking. His brother is aware of the problem and that is who he is going fishing with and I know his brother won't let him drink should he try to, so I am not sure if my feelings are normal or if I am being my usual crazy self. I just wanted to try and enjoy the holiday weekend without added stress. Am I being selfish to not trust him? I really have no reason TO trust him yet. 5 days sober after being hospitalized and in restraints with the level of alcohol he had - I just can't trust him.
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No, you have no reason to trust him. Yet. On the other hand, you don't have to run yourself through the emotional wringer over his drinking. If he drinks, then he drinks. Your survival and happiness do not and cannot hinge on whether or not he decides to pick up again.
You are certainly not crazy for being concerned; that's a natural response. But we codies get so enmeshed in the addict's addiction that we FEEL their pain when they're zoned out beyond pain.
You didn't fuss about his drinking, which is a good thing. But you wanted to and now it's eating you up inside. Being concerned about a drunk who is just getting sober falling off the wagon has nothing to do with being selfish. It has to do with being codependent.
Do you attend Al-Anon? Do you have a counselor? I generally suggest that people give Al-Anon a try to see if it "fits" for them. I now live in a place where the Al-Anon meetings stink. However, when I lived in the Baltimore area, I found two GREAT meetings that were instrumental in helping me detach from my AH.
Sometimes I just sit down and have a serious talk with myself when my AH's lunacy starts to bug me. Maybe the best thing you can do to enjoy the weekend is to be kind to yourself. You don't need to beat up on yourself, stress out, have sleepless nights. After all, he owns his addiction. It is up to him to choose to maintain sobriety. Be easy on yourself. Talking to yourself is not crazy; it can help you calm down and reason out your fears.
Keep posting over the weekend and let us know how you are doing.
You are certainly not crazy for being concerned; that's a natural response. But we codies get so enmeshed in the addict's addiction that we FEEL their pain when they're zoned out beyond pain.
You didn't fuss about his drinking, which is a good thing. But you wanted to and now it's eating you up inside. Being concerned about a drunk who is just getting sober falling off the wagon has nothing to do with being selfish. It has to do with being codependent.
Do you attend Al-Anon? Do you have a counselor? I generally suggest that people give Al-Anon a try to see if it "fits" for them. I now live in a place where the Al-Anon meetings stink. However, when I lived in the Baltimore area, I found two GREAT meetings that were instrumental in helping me detach from my AH.
Sometimes I just sit down and have a serious talk with myself when my AH's lunacy starts to bug me. Maybe the best thing you can do to enjoy the weekend is to be kind to yourself. You don't need to beat up on yourself, stress out, have sleepless nights. After all, he owns his addiction. It is up to him to choose to maintain sobriety. Be easy on yourself. Talking to yourself is not crazy; it can help you calm down and reason out your fears.
Keep posting over the weekend and let us know how you are doing.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Think this thru a bit. He goes off fishing. Hay drink. He may not. You worrying will have an effect on this how? It won't. Worrying does nothing other than drive you crazy.
This is a good time to practice handing your concerns over to your HP. You cannot do a thing about it. Let your HP handle it while you enjoy your weekend.
This is a good time to practice handing your concerns over to your HP. You cannot do a thing about it. Let your HP handle it while you enjoy your weekend.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
My bf's now 131 days sober and I felt exactly the same for those first few weeks, especially when he went to visit his parents after only 3 weeks soberiety. He used to get hammered when he went there, catch up with old friends at the pub etc...so I was panicking, but he came home completely sober and has been sober since.
In the end I had to get a "hold of myself" because I realised I was being a "codie" again by wrapping myself up in whether he'd drink or not and worrying what would happen if he did before he'd even done it.
It doesn't make a difference, if he wants to drink he will....worry about it when/if it happens otherwise you're winding yourself up for nothing.
*hugs*
In the end I had to get a "hold of myself" because I realised I was being a "codie" again by wrapping myself up in whether he'd drink or not and worrying what would happen if he did before he'd even done it.
It doesn't make a difference, if he wants to drink he will....worry about it when/if it happens otherwise you're winding yourself up for nothing.
*hugs*
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Its great your BF is embracing sobriety TheMissus. You sound liek you are handling it well too. THis jumped out at me though:
Nope, don't worry abot it then either. Worry is totally unproductive and changes nothing. It can make life worse, it cannot make life better.
If and when something happens, then it is time to deal with it, not worry about it. Take action if necessary. Change your behavior if necessary. But engaging in worry is never a good response as I see it.
Originally Posted by TheMissus 
worry about it when/if it happens otherwise you're winding yourself up for nothing.
Nope, don't worry abot it then either. Worry is totally unproductive and changes nothing. It can make life worse, it cannot make life better.
If and when something happens, then it is time to deal with it, not worry about it. Take action if necessary. Change your behavior if necessary. But engaging in worry is never a good response as I see it.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Motown
Posts: 122
I agree with everything that's been said.
Can you find things to do for yourself while he's fishing? I know in the past I've gotten so worked up about the "what-if's", but then I just learned to take it as it goes.
Go to a movie, get a pedi, go shopping, whatever it is you enjoy doing. I think it's normal to worry. And I think you do have to give yourself time to trust his recovery. Maybe share with him your feelings. It can help.
Can you find things to do for yourself while he's fishing? I know in the past I've gotten so worked up about the "what-if's", but then I just learned to take it as it goes.
Go to a movie, get a pedi, go shopping, whatever it is you enjoy doing. I think it's normal to worry. And I think you do have to give yourself time to trust his recovery. Maybe share with him your feelings. It can help.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
Originally Posted by TheMissus
My bf's now 131 days sober and I felt exactly the same for those first few weeks, especially when he went to visit his parents after only 3 weeks soberiety. He used to get hammered when he went there, catch up with old friends at the pub etc...so I was panicking, but he came home completely sober and has been sober since.
In the end I had to get a "hold of myself" because I realised I was being a "codie" again by wrapping myself up in whether he'd drink or not and worrying what would happen if he did before he'd even done it.
It doesn't make a difference, if he wants to drink he will....worry about it when/if it happens otherwise you're winding yourself up for nothing.
*hugs*
In the end I had to get a "hold of myself" because I realised I was being a "codie" again by wrapping myself up in whether he'd drink or not and worrying what would happen if he did before he'd even done it.
It doesn't make a difference, if he wants to drink he will....worry about it when/if it happens otherwise you're winding yourself up for nothing.
*hugs*
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
Originally Posted by Barbara52
Its great your BF is embracing sobriety TheMissus. You sound liek you are handling it well too. THis jumped out at me though:
Nope, don't worry abot it then either. Worry is totally unproductive and changes nothing. It can make life worse, it cannot make life better.
If and when something happens, then it is time to deal with it, not worry about it. Take action if necessary. Change your behavior if necessary. But engaging in worry is never a good response as I see it.
Nope, don't worry abot it then either. Worry is totally unproductive and changes nothing. It can make life worse, it cannot make life better.
If and when something happens, then it is time to deal with it, not worry about it. Take action if necessary. Change your behavior if necessary. But engaging in worry is never a good response as I see it.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 110
When my RAH would go out and do something out of the ordinary after he was sober I used to worry myself sick, or think I had to be around him constantly to make sure he didn't drink. But with the knowledge of Al-Anon in me, I just would concentrate on the three "C's". I refer to them a lot in my post, because that has been one of the MOST important lesson's I HAVE learned. I practice each and everyday turning my worries over to my HP, but I have perfected the ability to take them back. It's a day to day process with me as well.
Keep posting, and focus on yourself. Again, not an easy task at first, but does get easier with time.
Keep posting, and focus on yourself. Again, not an easy task at first, but does get easier with time.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
The sad truth is, if HE WANTS to stop drinking he will. If he's doing it for any other reason, he may fall. I've been where you are. My AH had a few weeks and then I got scared because he might lose his sobriety when he went out of town. So, I'd stay up late and call him. Either he never answered his phone, answered it and was drunk, or did the static business like we had a bad connection and hung up. We dropped 3k on rehab and I thought he was serious then. He has stopped and started so many times, that my nerves were (and sometimes still are) shot.
Then you read stories about people who really quit. They got serious with themselves, not just in their promises to us. Big difference. If your AH wants to be sober, he'll get himself that way.
My AH got wasted a few weeks ago. He declared he was done for good. Whatever, I don't ask for those promises anymore, but he offers them. If it happens that will be swell. Anyway, he goes to AA meetings every day. Well, on one Sunday afternoon, I was shopping and he said he could either miss an AA meeting or drop the kids off while I was having a pedicure. Ummm, no thank you. So, his sponsor got ticked at me and said I wasn't supportive of his recovery. I think his sponsor actually believed his promise this last time too. For once I wasn't the one who was duped. So, he didn't drink all that week, despite having missed one AA meeting. The following week, he went to his sponsor's house for a meeting and was drunk 5 hours later. Go figure.
He has to want it, bottom line. If he really wants it, he will avoid situations that he knows might tempt his sobriety. If he really wants it, he'll be the one protecting himself from readily available booze. You can try to set up all the boundaries for him, but you'll exhaust yourself (as it sounds like you already are) and he'll knock them all down in the few minutes it takes to walk into a liquor store and buy another bottle.
Don't let yourself collapse emotionally if he drinks again. He very well might.
Then you read stories about people who really quit. They got serious with themselves, not just in their promises to us. Big difference. If your AH wants to be sober, he'll get himself that way.
My AH got wasted a few weeks ago. He declared he was done for good. Whatever, I don't ask for those promises anymore, but he offers them. If it happens that will be swell. Anyway, he goes to AA meetings every day. Well, on one Sunday afternoon, I was shopping and he said he could either miss an AA meeting or drop the kids off while I was having a pedicure. Ummm, no thank you. So, his sponsor got ticked at me and said I wasn't supportive of his recovery. I think his sponsor actually believed his promise this last time too. For once I wasn't the one who was duped. So, he didn't drink all that week, despite having missed one AA meeting. The following week, he went to his sponsor's house for a meeting and was drunk 5 hours later. Go figure.
He has to want it, bottom line. If he really wants it, he will avoid situations that he knows might tempt his sobriety. If he really wants it, he'll be the one protecting himself from readily available booze. You can try to set up all the boundaries for him, but you'll exhaust yourself (as it sounds like you already are) and he'll knock them all down in the few minutes it takes to walk into a liquor store and buy another bottle.
Don't let yourself collapse emotionally if he drinks again. He very well might.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
Originally Posted by respektingme
The sad truth is, if HE WANTS to stop drinking he will. If he's doing it for any other reason, he may fall. I've been where you are. My AH had a few weeks and then I got scared because he might lose his sobriety when he went out of town. So, I'd stay up late and call him. Either he never answered his phone, answered it and was drunk, or did the static business like we had a bad connection and hung up. We dropped 3k on rehab and I thought he was serious then. He has stopped and started so many times, that my nerves were (and sometimes still are) shot.
Then you read stories about people who really quit. They got serious with themselves, not just in their promises to us. Big difference. If your AH wants to be sober, he'll get himself that way.
My AH got wasted a few weeks ago. He declared he was done for good. Whatever, I don't ask for those promises anymore, but he offers them. If it happens that will be swell. Anyway, he goes to AA meetings every day. Well, on one Sunday afternoon, I was shopping and he said he could either miss an AA meeting or drop the kids off while I was having a pedicure. Ummm, no thank you. So, his sponsor got ticked at me and said I wasn't supportive of his recovery. I think his sponsor actually believed his promise this last time too. For once I wasn't the one who was duped. So, he didn't drink all that week, despite having missed one AA meeting. The following week, he went to his sponsor's house for a meeting and was drunk 5 hours later. Go figure.
He has to want it, bottom line. If he really wants it, he will avoid situations that he knows might tempt his sobriety. If he really wants it, he'll be the one protecting himself from readily available booze. You can try to set up all the boundaries for him, but you'll exhaust yourself (as it sounds like you already are) and he'll knock them all down in the few minutes it takes to walk into a liquor store and buy another bottle.
Don't let yourself collapse emotionally if he drinks again. He very well might.
Then you read stories about people who really quit. They got serious with themselves, not just in their promises to us. Big difference. If your AH wants to be sober, he'll get himself that way.
My AH got wasted a few weeks ago. He declared he was done for good. Whatever, I don't ask for those promises anymore, but he offers them. If it happens that will be swell. Anyway, he goes to AA meetings every day. Well, on one Sunday afternoon, I was shopping and he said he could either miss an AA meeting or drop the kids off while I was having a pedicure. Ummm, no thank you. So, his sponsor got ticked at me and said I wasn't supportive of his recovery. I think his sponsor actually believed his promise this last time too. For once I wasn't the one who was duped. So, he didn't drink all that week, despite having missed one AA meeting. The following week, he went to his sponsor's house for a meeting and was drunk 5 hours later. Go figure.
He has to want it, bottom line. If he really wants it, he will avoid situations that he knows might tempt his sobriety. If he really wants it, he'll be the one protecting himself from readily available booze. You can try to set up all the boundaries for him, but you'll exhaust yourself (as it sounds like you already are) and he'll knock them all down in the few minutes it takes to walk into a liquor store and buy another bottle.
Don't let yourself collapse emotionally if he drinks again. He very well might.
He did not drink and is still sober and I did not call him at all while he was gone fishing. He called me a couple of times "to check in".
We went this morning to a therapy session and he is starting Campral to help him try and stay sober for longer periods of time. I don't expect any miracles, life is just so stress free when he is sober.
You sound like a fantastic woman - and i see we have so very much in common. You seem a lot stronger then I am.
This is hard, but I do not belive in divorce but I also know that addiction is a deal breaker....
Has your husband tried any of the meds out there to help curb not cure the drinking? Along with meetings and or rehab or outpatient rehab it has a great success rate. My AH is starting outpatient July 30th. He actually called himself to make the appointments. he wanted one right away but said that was the earliest appointment they had.
Don't give up on your AH - or you. It sounds like he does make the attempt. I so know where you are coming from when you say you no longer want to hear the promise of sobriety.
Was your AH in an in house rehab? I never believed in therapy, but the woman we are seeing seems to have made such an impact on both me and my AH. She is helping with the grief counseling for the loss of his father, or us together as a couple and for his addiction.
I wish I could help you more. I am new at this and you have no idea how much your reply means to me. You really make sense and I know you have lived through this - please email me at any time if you want to talk.
Have a great night.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
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Originally Posted by cem001
When my RAH would go out and do something out of the ordinary after he was sober I used to worry myself sick, or think I had to be around him constantly to make sure he didn't drink. But with the knowledge of Al-Anon in me, I just would concentrate on the three "C's". I refer to them a lot in my post, because that has been one of the MOST important lesson's I HAVE learned. I practice each and everyday turning my worries over to my HP, but I have perfected the ability to take them back. It's a day to day process with me as well.
Keep posting, and focus on yourself. Again, not an easy task at first, but does get easier with time.
Keep posting, and focus on yourself. Again, not an easy task at first, but does get easier with time.
Thank you for letting me know it gets easier with time. I want to trust him, but he really is going to earn it this time.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
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Originally Posted by sadandhopeless
Can you let me know what the 3 C's are? I did go to a meeting once and did not think it was for me. everyone seemed so much older and the meeting I went to seemed to the family and friends of people already in recovery.
The three c's are:
You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.
They say to try 6 Alanon meetings before deciding whether it is for you or not. You also might want to try some different meetings because the people are different. I know for me Alanon has been a lifeboat while I am in a hurricane and I am eternally grateful for it.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
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Originally Posted by Chrysalis123
The three c's are:
You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.
They say to try 6 Alanon meetings before deciding whether it is for you or not. You also might want to try some different meetings because the people are different. I know for me Alanon has been a lifeboat while I am in a hurricane and I am eternally grateful for it.
You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.
They say to try 6 Alanon meetings before deciding whether it is for you or not. You also might want to try some different meetings because the people are different. I know for me Alanon has been a lifeboat while I am in a hurricane and I am eternally grateful for it.
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