How to detach (very quickly)

Old 07-02-2008, 04:41 PM
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Angry How to detach (very quickly)

Find out that your brother stole thousands from your parent's bank account.

I have never, ever been so angry in my entire life. I do not have one shred of sympathy left. He's not my brother anymore.

I've spoken about family and how important it is before. But how do people get through things like this? I know that unfortunately, I am not the first...
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Old 07-02-2008, 04:50 PM
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I haven't been in the same situation but some were similar. I had to deal with the anger because that was the first thing I felt. Honestly, I didn't know HOW to deal with feelings when I first started this codie recovery. The best thing I've found to do is discuss it with supportive people (like here), and pray that I can deal with the situation and not get all wrapped up in it. AFter the anger, came grief (for a relationship NOT being what I thought), then sadness, then acceptance. Didn't just go through them...had to go back and forth between the feelings for a while.

I'm sure others will be along with more ES&H. In the meantime, sending you and your family hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 07-02-2008, 05:02 PM
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Oh God!!@**@

My mom has lost sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much:
3 nice homes that were paid for and producing an income (each worth over $250,000 in todays market), stocks, bonds, insurance policies, diamonds, gold, you name if it is was valuable she lostit to my siblings drug addiction...

I gave up after she lost the 2nd house....no inheritance for me that's for sure, thanks to crack....
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Old 07-02-2008, 06:40 PM
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Detaching with anger from my daughter worked for me until I could feel compassion for her suffering and really understand that addiction is a disease and what the addict does is not personal. They do what they do to get what they need and it does not matter who they steal from or use in the process. That is why it is so important to let them go and to protect ourselves. Your parents are out a lot of money but maybe they are ready to let your brother reach his bottom without softening the fall. Sending prayers that it will be soon. Hugs, Marle
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Old 07-03-2008, 06:37 AM
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I understand the anger. My husband just got kicked out of school and we have limited money to live off the next few months and we may then lose everything- our house, health insurance everything. How do I explain that to our 2 small children. It is so not fair when innoscent people suffer for an addicts mistakes!
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Old 07-03-2008, 12:01 PM
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Wow... are you sure you and I don't live in some kind of parallel universe to each other? We're even the same age... and I know exactly what you're talking about. Ive felt that same rage so many times... my sister did the same thing, and it only felt worse when I learned that my parents were not going to press charges. And so things continued... and I went from feeling rage to hurt to depressed and right back to rage again, for a variety of reasons, all tied to the same set of problems.

I've had to learn that, in order to stay sane, I have to continue to put myself first. I've got a career that's still in its infancy (I'll begin my third year of teaching in the fall), I've only been married for 2 years, and we just bought our first house back in September of last year. So, I absolutely cannot afford to allow my sister's path of destruction to pull me down, especially if I ever hope to have my own children and be the supportive, strong mother that my kids would need.

Here's how I've detached: I've gotten to the point where I purposely try to know as little about her progress as possible. If I hear from my sister, I am always happy to talk to her. But I make sure to avoid talking to her about her drug problem. If she brings it up, (which she actually will now, since she's in recovery, although she will relapse occasionally) I try to be as positive as possible and move on. I might say, "well, I sure am glad to see this change coming about." or something to that effect... but I refuse to ask about it.

I've also learned that I cannot talk to my mom about her. My mom is still in denial about my sister's prognosis, and just very well may always be.

I know it sounds so hard to just up and look the other way; but that's not really what this is. I am very aware of her condition. But by doing everything I can to avoid the hourly updates and to make sure the majority of my energy is devoted to keeping my life on track, I can at least protect myself from some of the unnecessary heartache and worry. After all, we've had enough of that already, right?

I'm praying for you girl! If I can get to the point where I am more of a bystander than a character in the plot line, I know you can too!
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Old 07-03-2008, 12:19 PM
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My only suggestion - and it is just a suggestion, you do not have to do this - is to possibly write what I affectionly like to call FU letters

For many yrs I stuffed my emotions, especially anger. So much that when it couldn't be stuffed anymore it would explode & so would I. The least little thing would set me off. Hence why our cordless phone would get thrown at the wall a lot!

For me, I have to do something with that anger - I have to journal, write letters to the people I have those angry feelings - then usually shred (usually by ripping with my hands lol) or burn the letters; maybe even a little bit of a workout - something to help process the anger. I write letters to the A, to my parents, to the system that doesn't help them, to my God and even to myself.

Once the anger is settled down - the usually there is a letter to that little child inside saying "It's not your fault and it's ok to let go and let God"

That is just how I process anger then I can usually detach and realize my HP is in charge.

prayers for you & your family - may each of them find their path to a life that is Happy, Joyous and Free,
Rita
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Old 07-03-2008, 12:25 PM
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Ooohhh... I like what Japic just said. I forgot to mention that I did something very similar; and it helped me tremendously!
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Old 07-03-2008, 12:42 PM
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I feel the same way. I have just gone through the same thing right now... honestly if he od'ed right now... I really wonder if I would care.

Originally Posted by bigsister1982 View Post
Find out that your brother stole thousands from your parent's bank account.

I have never, ever been so angry in my entire life. I do not have one shred of sympathy left. He's not my brother anymore.

I've spoken about family and how important it is before. But how do people get through things like this? I know that unfortunately, I am not the first...
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Old 07-03-2008, 01:26 PM
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Thank you all so much for your notes. Although I knew I wasn't a member of the only family with a drug addiction - I never realized so many people were in this same boat.

Update - little brother still at home. I called today, he answered, but I couldn't stomach the thought of talking to him. I just asked for my mom and when she wasn't around, said I'd call back and hung up. They are going to the bank tomorrow to figure things out. Apparently he screwed up and at least some of the money (he says all, i say he's lying) is in limbo after a failed transfer.

I hate to say it, but I think I needed something like this. I dont' mean at all that what has happened has ANY kind of silver lining, but more like I knew it would come to a head before it gets better. There's been so much drama with his never-ending legal troubles, withdrawl, on again/off again using that I was sucked in, even after I went through counselling sessions. I cried a lot when I found out he did it, but today - I'm just pissed. And I've never been able to feel like that before. It's actually a great feeling!!!

I'm going to plan something really nice for my parents if they aren't able to recover the money. Maybe a few nights at a hotel a few hours away. My dad just sounded so incredibly sad last night when we were talking. A little bit about the money, because they've never had much and finally had a bit of a nest egg, but I think mostly because he can't believe his son did this to him when things were ... not looking great, but not at their worst.

I don't really know what to say - thanks doesn't cut it for the advice and friendship. I guess you all understand exactly what I mean.
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Old 07-03-2008, 01:51 PM
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Yeah, unfortunately I never had much luck with counseling either. Not that counseling cannot work for some; it just didn't seem to help me so much.

Coming here has been my saving grace for as long as I've been actually healing. It gets easier to not get sucked in; thanks to the support we've got here! You can do it
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Old 07-08-2008, 01:22 PM
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Just wanted to update.

I was told that the money was returned this week. I have a feeling that not all of it got back to them, but I think they told me that it did anyway to protect the guilty. Either way, I know the majority was returned. It was so nice to hear the smile in my mom's voice and hear my dad laugh again. Haven't talked to the bro - I have no idea what I'm going to say to him and I don't really have any desire to say ANYTHING.

I'm doing my best and not asking for every single detail. I need to not ask, and my parents need it too. Honestly - I'm 26, they're a bit older (obviously ). Addiction is nothing new in my family, and they can handle the situation better than me with what they've learned through life. Thanks for all of your advice, I don't know how I would have gotten through this if I wasn't able to vent!!
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Old 07-08-2008, 01:41 PM
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I'm so glad things are looking better for the moment
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Old 07-08-2008, 04:04 PM
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I am happy the money is back in place. As the mom of an AD who cleaned out my accounts I know your parents are very happy to have it back. And I know your angry as hell at your brother but like my daughter I believe it is the illness not them that we know who steal. It doesn't make it better but more understandable at times.
Stay strong and be happy for them...beegee
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