mrhodes01

Hi all.

I'm an alcoholic with a codie ex-fiancee (CEF) who still lives with me--I hope I'm not out of line posting in this forum.

I've been actively in recovery for a year after years of resisting and making her life very difficult.

Next month, CEF will be done with law school and the bar, which has been her main excuse for not trying al-anon or counseling to help her through her own issues with my alcoholism. She is shy and doesn't want to go to groups.

I would be interested to hear how some of you who were initially shy and/or resistant to al-anon eventually made your way into it. As an AA guy, I understand that I need to not pressure her and let her come to a solution herself.

I just want the best for her after all I've done (I guess that's somewhat selfish on my part, feel free to put me in my place)--any suggestions would be appreciated.

Thanks!

MR

Barbara52

Welcome and congrats to you!

As someone who has never gone to AlAnon, I can say codie recovery is possible without it. I'm doing pretty danged good these days. But it took hard work on my part, lots of reading in here and of books, and brutal honesty toward myself.

But as you well know, she is the one who has to want to do this. Perhaps buy her a copy of Codependent No More and let her know you would like her to read it. After that, the next steps are up to her though.

peaceteach

My first real exposure to the whole "codie" role I found myself in was reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It was very eye-opening and was given to me by a therapist. I laughed through my tears at how many of the codependent traits I possessed (all but 1) for then I realized I had no where to go but up. When she finishes all her studying and reading, this would be a great book for her to read. You could also introduce her to family and friends forum!

Congrats on your program and being strong and caring for your CEF, Mr.

Impurrfect

I'm with Barb, I don't go to meetings, but have learned a LOT from the great people here.

I knew I was a codie 20 years ago, read all the books, but wasn't miserable enough to do anything about it. Now, that I'm in recovery for my addiction, I've realized that my codie behaviors were a lot of what led me to use in the first place.

I think it's great that you want to help her, but she really will have to want it for herself.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Sweetiepie1

How fantastic that you want to help her recognise her codie behaviours. My ex though it was a good idea for me to go to Alanon when he thought it was all about him, quickly changed his mind when he realised it wasn't.

I so hope the pair of you are a success story (as a codie I love a happy ending) but even if your not I wish you all the best with your recovery and it sounds like you're doing pretty good.

Bernadette

hi mrhodes01--
I agree w/ all above--it doesn't have to be AlAnon - it just has to be active work on ourselves. I was raised by an alcoholic and then recovered alcoholic father and a fiercely co-dependent mother. I have 2 actively alcoholic brothers and one who stopped drinking but smokes pot 24/7/365. I ran headlong into AlAnon because I was in alot of pain. It was free, easily accessible (I lived in NYC at the time) and I just didn't have another choice.

I made all the excuses prior to going that lots of codies make: it'll be weird, uncomfortable, what will I say, I can do it on my own, those people are not like me, etc etc. (Sound familiar from the alcoholic POV???) But I just forced myself to go until I "got" it. I got that it was offering me a program and if I worked that program I would feel better. I also did lots of reading, and individual counseling (including a stint of Cognitive Behavior Therapy which was great). I am not in that pain anymore. I still have to work on myself like everyone, but wow, Alanon changed and opened up my life for the better.

There's nothing you can do to make her seek recovery from codependency. But you can offer her books, and the number to local AlAnon and then "let it go."

Peace and super congrats on your sobriety/recovery. That's wonderful!
B.

miss communicat

I hope this doesn't come across as too hardline or anything, but my response to your query mrh, is "hands off is the sanest way for everyone involved". by "hands off" I mean, there is a fine line between wanting to be helpful (a very ennobling group we are) and wanting to fix another person.

As an A in recovery myself, I'd bet anything that my AA sponsor would tell me to check my motives and focus on my own inventory if I shared that I was seeking information about Alanon for my ex. If I have questions about alanon, she'd tell me to go to Alanon myself to gain firsthand experience of it. Its like here, in F+FA and in Alanon, we don't make calls to AA for the active A. Its best if they handle that for themselves.

Okay, all that pontificating aside, I was never shy in Alanon. I felt right at home there. I remained an "attender" never staying as a "member" though, once I hit the rooms of AA and found where I need to stay.

Good luck with everything!

cagefree

First of all - my heartfelt congrats to you on your recovery!!!

I got help for my codependency when I hit my bottom. For me my bottom was when I let someone treat me poorly and stayed in situations that were totally and completely unacceptable and (shocker) was extremely hurt as a result.

Both of my parents are codependents who are almost 70 years old. They never hit their bottom.

As someone who recently ventured back into the dating world, I am looking for red flags - some of which include people who exhibit codependent traits...I wouldn't be compatible with someone who tried to control me and tried to take ownership of my "stuff". I may still have a mess to clean up - but it's MY mess

Kindeyes

Here's a different thought for you......by changing your behavior through recovery, you are impacting her in some way.....a positive way. I have found that by changing MY behavior, I have certainly impacted my A son. But I have to keep remembering that his recovery belongs to HIM and my recovery belongs to ME.

The thought process of a codie is somewhat similar to that of an alcoholic. We don't think there is anything wrong with us......so why on earth should WE need help! The concerns that an alcoholic has with attending AA are the same concerns that we as codies often have with attending Alanon.

I don't see anything wrong with offering her a gift (the book suggested above is fabulous). But then it is HER choice to read it......or not.

Congratulations on your sobriety!

gentle hugs

Mair

Congrats on your recovery and welcome.

This sounds like the reversal of what i tried to do with my xab. I bought him a book called "under the influence". It gathered dust for months, and he was not impressed. But I read it and learnt a lot.

Melonie Beatty is good, have a read see what you think. She might pick it up when youve finished it, I guess like alcoholics us codies need to get IT in our own sweet time.

keep posting

Mair

mrhodes01

Thanks everyone for the kind and encouraging responses.

I certainly understand that she needs to take action on her own. Lord knows how many time I didn't go to AA meetings precisely because she told me I should. I even used to say I was going and then wander around for an hour instead, just to teach her a lesson

She has in the past asked me for ideas for her own recovery, so maybe I'll give it a while and see if she brings it up. I'll pick up that book for myself and pass it along if/when it makes sense. I agree with Miss C. that hands off is the best approach; I'll just try to be helpful when called upon. I haven't done the best job fixing myself, so I shouldn't expect to be a pro at fixing anyone else.

Thanks again--you've all been very helpful.

MR