Is it me? Why do I feel guilty?
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
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Is it me? Why do I feel guilty?
My AH used to stay up all night, after I went to bed, to use. Now that he's supposedly clean, he can't understand why I get upset if he doesn't come to bed and stays up all night.
Last night, AH stayed up all night and when I woke up this morning, he was asleep on the couch, with his pillows and blankets (obviously this was not an accident). I had a dream that he was using and I caught him and tore the whole house up looking for his stuff and ultimately kicked him out.
When I asked him if he would please come to bed tonight, his response was "I can't please you all the time". WTF?
He obviously can't understand that his addiction affected me too and I think the reason it affected me more is because I'm a mom and I'm worried about not just me, but the kids too AND I wasn't high when he was using. Yes, I didn't use and I am not addicted to what he's addicted to but it nevertheless has made a huge impact on my life as well and I just hate that my thoughts, concerns and/or fears are belittled and downplayed.
Are there any magic words that I can say to him to make him understand that although I have forgiven him - I CANNOT FORGET. I don't want to throw it in his face all the time but my user dreams are just as screwed up as his user dreams and I want to talk about mine too!
Last night, AH stayed up all night and when I woke up this morning, he was asleep on the couch, with his pillows and blankets (obviously this was not an accident). I had a dream that he was using and I caught him and tore the whole house up looking for his stuff and ultimately kicked him out.
When I asked him if he would please come to bed tonight, his response was "I can't please you all the time". WTF?
He obviously can't understand that his addiction affected me too and I think the reason it affected me more is because I'm a mom and I'm worried about not just me, but the kids too AND I wasn't high when he was using. Yes, I didn't use and I am not addicted to what he's addicted to but it nevertheless has made a huge impact on my life as well and I just hate that my thoughts, concerns and/or fears are belittled and downplayed.
Are there any magic words that I can say to him to make him understand that although I have forgiven him - I CANNOT FORGET. I don't want to throw it in his face all the time but my user dreams are just as screwed up as his user dreams and I want to talk about mine too!
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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((Janet)) - there arent' any magic words to say to him. You can tell him why it's important to you that he comes to bed, but he's still going to do what he's going to do, unfortunately.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Brooklyn, New York
Posts: 88
Amy is right, there really are no magic words. As much as it hurts, you have to give time, time. just as addiction is a process that doesn't come about overnight, Recovery is a process too...it takes time.
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OH I've told him that it concerns me. He knows I sleep with a fire extinguisher, flip-flops and my purse next to my bed in case he drops a cigarrette and tried to burn the house down (quick escape with the kids out one of the back doors!).
One time he said, "Oh, that's why the fire extinguisher is the bedroom. I feel bad now". Well.......? I guess he's done feeling bad that I sleep with one eye open, that I hear every cabinet open, every door, every flick of his lighter, every jingle of his keys. Those are not behaviors that I can just erase over night. They have been learned over time as survival skills, I guess you could call them. I'm getting better about not getting up and looking for him every time I wake up and he's not there but being out in the living room all night was a little more de ja vu (and I don't know if that's spelled correctly or not - I doubt it).
Thank you for the input and if anybody has anything to offer, even if it's a swift kick in the butt, I'll take it!!!
One time he said, "Oh, that's why the fire extinguisher is the bedroom. I feel bad now". Well.......? I guess he's done feeling bad that I sleep with one eye open, that I hear every cabinet open, every door, every flick of his lighter, every jingle of his keys. Those are not behaviors that I can just erase over night. They have been learned over time as survival skills, I guess you could call them. I'm getting better about not getting up and looking for him every time I wake up and he's not there but being out in the living room all night was a little more de ja vu (and I don't know if that's spelled correctly or not - I doubt it).
Thank you for the input and if anybody has anything to offer, even if it's a swift kick in the butt, I'll take it!!!
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Brooklyn, New York
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Originally Posted by MrsMagoo 
I guess he's done feeling bad that I sleep with one eye open, that I hear every cabinet open, every door, every flick of his lighter, every jingle of his keys. Those are not behaviors that I can just erase over night. They have been learned over time as survival skills, I guess you could call them.
It will get better...I promise...just don't stop talking about your feelings...it's essential to YOUR healing. :ghug3
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
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I have to share with you that it took me over a year to finally actually go to bed at a reasonable time and sleep through the night, after I quite drinking and drugging.
My sleep patterns were so distorted my body didn't know what to do and many was the night I stayed up, fell asleep on my couch or in recliner chair at 3 or 4 am and then up at 6am to get ready for work.
When one finally gets clean and sober none of the OLD PATTERNS of both the addict and the family of the addict miraculously disappear overnight. It takes TIME and more time for some than for others.
I don't know if your AH is working any kind of program, but there also no miracles, things seem to happen slowly.
Please allow yourself to start relaxing a bit. Your AH may not yet be able to sleep in a bed.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
My sleep patterns were so distorted my body didn't know what to do and many was the night I stayed up, fell asleep on my couch or in recliner chair at 3 or 4 am and then up at 6am to get ready for work.
When one finally gets clean and sober none of the OLD PATTERNS of both the addict and the family of the addict miraculously disappear overnight. It takes TIME and more time for some than for others.
I don't know if your AH is working any kind of program, but there also no miracles, things seem to happen slowly.
Please allow yourself to start relaxing a bit. Your AH may not yet be able to sleep in a bed.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
That is a trigger for me as well....also, him sleeping in his clothes. Our "Alanon situations" that we are in with our addicts/recovering addicts are more like their situation than they are different. Only our "altering condition" is living in addiction - not being addicted. The feelings that you are talking about are normal emotions and responses to trauma. And that is plain and simple what it all really is - trauma. Our nervous systems have been tuned to be alert and vigilant. What helped me a lot the first year that RAH was sober was for me to work the program that I wished that he would work. I was one hurt and angry woman. I still have to do a whole lot of 4th stepping to keep emotionally sober. That is what I am seeking - emotional sobriety. If I am upset, angry, hurt, in pain, etc. I am not emotionally sober. What do I need to do to become emotionally sober? Can I retain my emotional sobriety around my RAH? Those are questions that I ask myself all of the time.
There are no magic words but I have found that it is pretty magical when I speak in "I statements". And when I speak for my fears and pain instead of "from" my fears and pains. Don't know if that makes a whole lot of sense but coming from that calm place of self is my goal. I have to take a whole lot of "time outs" to settle my crazed nervous system.
I've found an Alanon step meeting that is very helpful for me....it has a lot of recovery and the focus is on us. Also, open AA meetings are great to go to. It really helps to remind me that even in recovery most people can get in a lot of emotional turmoil. Someone last week said that if you are a drunken horse thief and stop drinking, you are still a horse thief. It takes quite awhile to reprogram your brain in recovery. You really have to do a lot of work. My RAH has not done much work at all but my work has helped to keep me sane. We didn't even try and touch our issues until he had a year of sobriety under his belt. I took my issues with him to my groups, my sponsor, HP, Sober Recovery, and my counselor. All that before I even thought about saying something to him. Even when I do all of that it still doesn't always go well.
A sober addict can be a real pain in the *ss. Recovery just takes a while. I was pretty much a nervous wreck during his first year of sobriety - on edge and vigilant. After a year I really did start doing a whole lot better. I think it was a combination of time and my working a program.
Just remember that you are not alone at all. You will always find someone that has experienced what you are going through. Focus on you. Stay in today. Do the next right thing. Remember, you are strong and empowered. Take a breath and remember that even a teeny bit of serenity is available in the next breath.
One last thing - if I speak from my heart to my RAH......say, in your situation...."I've got some of my own triggers and they are about me and my issues not you. I just get scared when you spend the night on the couch. It brings back scary feelings for me. Is there a compromise that we can work out?" Usually, when I am triggered I "shoot" from fear but it comes out sounding angry and like a criticism. If I settle myself down prior to speaking then it can come out a little bit calmer and as a complaint. If I ask in that tone and with that intention then I know that his response is giving me information that is important for me to know about him. Are my wishes and needs respected? Do I want to live with someone that isn't respectful towards me?
Hugs - thinking about you. PS: Excuse any lame thinking and crazy statements. I am taking lots of pain meds to deal with my ankle surgery. OUCH!
There are no magic words but I have found that it is pretty magical when I speak in "I statements". And when I speak for my fears and pain instead of "from" my fears and pains. Don't know if that makes a whole lot of sense but coming from that calm place of self is my goal. I have to take a whole lot of "time outs" to settle my crazed nervous system.
I've found an Alanon step meeting that is very helpful for me....it has a lot of recovery and the focus is on us. Also, open AA meetings are great to go to. It really helps to remind me that even in recovery most people can get in a lot of emotional turmoil. Someone last week said that if you are a drunken horse thief and stop drinking, you are still a horse thief. It takes quite awhile to reprogram your brain in recovery. You really have to do a lot of work. My RAH has not done much work at all but my work has helped to keep me sane. We didn't even try and touch our issues until he had a year of sobriety under his belt. I took my issues with him to my groups, my sponsor, HP, Sober Recovery, and my counselor. All that before I even thought about saying something to him. Even when I do all of that it still doesn't always go well.
A sober addict can be a real pain in the *ss. Recovery just takes a while. I was pretty much a nervous wreck during his first year of sobriety - on edge and vigilant. After a year I really did start doing a whole lot better. I think it was a combination of time and my working a program.
Just remember that you are not alone at all. You will always find someone that has experienced what you are going through. Focus on you. Stay in today. Do the next right thing. Remember, you are strong and empowered. Take a breath and remember that even a teeny bit of serenity is available in the next breath.
One last thing - if I speak from my heart to my RAH......say, in your situation...."I've got some of my own triggers and they are about me and my issues not you. I just get scared when you spend the night on the couch. It brings back scary feelings for me. Is there a compromise that we can work out?" Usually, when I am triggered I "shoot" from fear but it comes out sounding angry and like a criticism. If I settle myself down prior to speaking then it can come out a little bit calmer and as a complaint. If I ask in that tone and with that intention then I know that his response is giving me information that is important for me to know about him. Are my wishes and needs respected? Do I want to live with someone that isn't respectful towards me?
Hugs - thinking about you. PS: Excuse any lame thinking and crazy statements. I am taking lots of pain meds to deal with my ankle surgery. OUCH!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
My recovering son can't shake his night/day switch off either. He's tried, but there is something so "dark" about their behavior (preferring the wee hours over the daytime) that must take a while to switch off. I think he's working it how he needs to right now.
It's so great that you came HERE to vent out those irritations. You are feeling empowered and do have a right to state your feelings. Maybe then you could let them lie there for a while and give the A some time to absorb that new idea? He can decide whether it helps his sobriety to make that change, but only when he is ready. My son thinks on things for days, and sometimes he really embraces an idea as his own and as a good idea. It doesn't always take, but at least he gives it a go to see if it fits him. I really don't think it is personal at all, just a learned behavior that is hard to let go and has moments of peacefulness to him. I think it's really encouraged for them to do whatever it takes to find activities that help them feel less stress, much like we encourage one another to take care of that little girl inside and find ways that YOU can spoil her, regardless of the actions of your RH. New behaviors can emerge, tried on, and be rewarded in a peaceful, serene home. You get to try on new behaviors too, Magoo. I think you will find much more peace as you continue embracing this side of the fence. I found the idea of keeping my focus on me not only really soothing and self-healing, but maturing as well. I've definitely grown in my becoming "me" and I like it, more each day
It's so great that you came HERE to vent out those irritations. You are feeling empowered and do have a right to state your feelings. Maybe then you could let them lie there for a while and give the A some time to absorb that new idea? He can decide whether it helps his sobriety to make that change, but only when he is ready. My son thinks on things for days, and sometimes he really embraces an idea as his own and as a good idea. It doesn't always take, but at least he gives it a go to see if it fits him. I really don't think it is personal at all, just a learned behavior that is hard to let go and has moments of peacefulness to him. I think it's really encouraged for them to do whatever it takes to find activities that help them feel less stress, much like we encourage one another to take care of that little girl inside and find ways that YOU can spoil her, regardless of the actions of your RH. New behaviors can emerge, tried on, and be rewarded in a peaceful, serene home. You get to try on new behaviors too, Magoo. I think you will find much more peace as you continue embracing this side of the fence. I found the idea of keeping my focus on me not only really soothing and self-healing, but maturing as well. I've definitely grown in my becoming "me" and I like it, more each day
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Janet........ ME TOO....... I have the user dreams as well. I woke up last night crying because of a dream about a senseless argument that was going nowhere (he was high and I was second guessing myself and poking the bear in the cage... just going crazy).... it was like when he was in active addiction all over again. It must have set the course for my day because I didn't feel right the whole day....... and then...... I went to a couples group this evening.... and cried the whole flipping time! EVERYTHING came flooding back... while intellectually I know all this stuff... but my feelings were so far from it. It was centered on trust and how all the lies make us (the codies) crazy. Or I should say "feel" crazy... we weren't crazy... we aren't crazy... it's totally natural to go through all those emotions..... but man it hurts like hell.
I have got to get to alanon.... and find a sponsor... because no matter what... even though we know all this stuff in our head.... any kind of resemblance of active addiction... in our dreams or old patterns rearing their head again... is going to fvck with us. WE are in recovery too! I told my guy I was proud of him today... and he replied that he was proud of me... and I just shook my head like... naaah... i haven't done anything to be proud of. WTF??! Yeah... i need to get to an alanon meeting and find a sponsor PRONTO!
(((HUGS))) to you Janet... and bless your soul. This is no easy path and I wish I could give you some ESH... but I'm so new at this (the recovery side) of things..... but I'm totally thinking of you.
xoxooxox
I have got to get to alanon.... and find a sponsor... because no matter what... even though we know all this stuff in our head.... any kind of resemblance of active addiction... in our dreams or old patterns rearing their head again... is going to fvck with us. WE are in recovery too! I told my guy I was proud of him today... and he replied that he was proud of me... and I just shook my head like... naaah... i haven't done anything to be proud of. WTF??! Yeah... i need to get to an alanon meeting and find a sponsor PRONTO!
(((HUGS))) to you Janet... and bless your soul. This is no easy path and I wish I could give you some ESH... but I'm so new at this (the recovery side) of things..... but I'm totally thinking of you.
xoxooxox
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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LS - Donna..... thank you so much for that post. I was hoping and praying that there was going to be something like this when I got home tonight. (I'm sorry Janet it turned out happening... because it means you are hurting 
) .... But man I needed to hear all of this. I wished there was an al-anon meeting I could have run as fast as possible to...... because I did NOT feel emotionally sober. Good words there Donna! It's like I know about these time outs and I felt like I was doing it a lot today... but this feeling just kept growing and growing inside of me..... and BOOM it came out in the first few minutes of that group therapy. I just kept telling myself ... it's okay... it's a good release... but at the same time... I was just beating myself up about it.
Anyway...... thank you Donna for those words..... while I know they are for Janet..... they totally speak to me as well..... and were just what I needed to read on this night especially. Your statements are not crazy.... they are totally right on..... either that or maybe I am crazy?! lol.... errrr don't answer that! hahaha j/k! hee hee
wow... i really did just giggle.... that is a good thing! Even though tears are still in my eyes! But I'm smiling
Bless ALL of you.......xoxoxo
) .... But man I needed to hear all of this. I wished there was an al-anon meeting I could have run as fast as possible to...... because I did NOT feel emotionally sober. Good words there Donna! It's like I know about these time outs and I felt like I was doing it a lot today... but this feeling just kept growing and growing inside of me..... and BOOM it came out in the first few minutes of that group therapy. I just kept telling myself ... it's okay... it's a good release... but at the same time... I was just beating myself up about it. Anyway...... thank you Donna for those words..... while I know they are for Janet..... they totally speak to me as well..... and were just what I needed to read on this night especially. Your statements are not crazy.... they are totally right on..... either that or maybe I am crazy?! lol.... errrr don't answer that! hahaha j/k! hee hee
wow... i really did just giggle.... that is a good thing! Even though tears are still in my eyes! But I'm smiling
Bless ALL of you.......xoxoxo
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 60
I can relate to this one. My Ah and I just got in a huge fight over this the other night. When he comes to bed a few hours after I go to bed I hear him and wake up and can not go back to sleep or if I wake up and he is not in bed I get this nervous sick feeling and I try to explain it to him. And when we never go to bed together there is no intimacy in the relationship. He was doing good for a while and now it started again. I ended up having ahuge panic attack and almost had to call 911. I am at the point of filing for divorce I just can't take it anymore. He was so defensive and attacking me for not trusting him and telling me it was my probloem to deal with not his. It was just horrible the lack of respect and understanding. He told me he had to work on his recovery and I was keeping him from it. He needed to research his suboxone in the middle of the night more than anything. My husbands response to evrything is I am not being supportive and I am destroying his recovery. I am not sure what he is doing for recovery aside taking suboxone and researching the hell out of it. He is not attending meetings regularly or doing the steps or any other work. Ok- so sorry that just turned into my bitch session!!!!
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Join Date: May 2005
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I think that all of our words are always for each other and for ourselves. I've found that that is why having a sponsor has helped me so much. Basically, my sponsor reminds me to apply the principles to all of my affairs. The meetings help me so much but it wasn't until I worked the steps with a sponsor that things really began to change for me. Once I discovered that I became emotionally drunk I was able to wrap my mind around it all and begin to take the steps that I need to take for me...and my emotional sobriety.
Emotional sobriety does not mean that I don't have anger, fear, pain, worry, etc. It just means that I am taking good enough care of my self that those emotions don't rule me and my behaviors. It still happens to me but I'm subscribing to progress, not perfection. Each time I get emotionally drunk I go back to the basics and figure out what I need to change in me to prevent it from happening again (ie eat, sleep, connect with friends, pray, better boundaries, firm consequences, etc). Once I committed to my emotional sobriety I have been able to look at RAH and my marriage completely differently. Nothing is more important to me than that because without that I have nothing. I am a rotten/preoccupied mother without it, a body performing my work instead of being completely present, and no good to myself. It's the same way that an addict has to put his/her sobriety and recovery first. Anything that they put before that is something that they will lose anyway. It is the same for me - if I don't protect my emotional sobriety I will lose everything - including my life. Live and let live can literally mean exactly that. I don't want to be one of those women featured on "Snapped".
I'm sorry that all of us are in these situations but I sure am glad that everyone is such a delightful group!
Hugs
Emotional sobriety does not mean that I don't have anger, fear, pain, worry, etc. It just means that I am taking good enough care of my self that those emotions don't rule me and my behaviors. It still happens to me but I'm subscribing to progress, not perfection. Each time I get emotionally drunk I go back to the basics and figure out what I need to change in me to prevent it from happening again (ie eat, sleep, connect with friends, pray, better boundaries, firm consequences, etc). Once I committed to my emotional sobriety I have been able to look at RAH and my marriage completely differently. Nothing is more important to me than that because without that I have nothing. I am a rotten/preoccupied mother without it, a body performing my work instead of being completely present, and no good to myself. It's the same way that an addict has to put his/her sobriety and recovery first. Anything that they put before that is something that they will lose anyway. It is the same for me - if I don't protect my emotional sobriety I will lose everything - including my life. Live and let live can literally mean exactly that. I don't want to be one of those women featured on "Snapped".
I'm sorry that all of us are in these situations but I sure am glad that everyone is such a delightful group!
Hugs
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
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Thank you Laurie, Abundence, Peachteach, Donna, Artur and TINMF for your responses, your experiences (they all count!) and your life/sanity saving way of coping with your particular situation.
I do see myself in a much better place than I was 6 months ago, or gosh, probably even 30 days ago. I'm getting better at detaching but the detaching feels like not caring or not loving and I'm afraid (because I must be a control freak) that if I'm not around standing watch, something bad is going to happen.
Even with just the methadone, he can't hold his damn eyes open and I'm wondering....drugs or methadone....the end result is the same only and the only difference behavioraly is what he's taking is legal.
I don't know if I mentioned that he lost his job last December and is STILL unemployed so that is another trigger for me and my bitterness. I can't help but think that if he would just get a job, things might get back to what we thought was normal.
I do see myself in a much better place than I was 6 months ago, or gosh, probably even 30 days ago. I'm getting better at detaching but the detaching feels like not caring or not loving and I'm afraid (because I must be a control freak) that if I'm not around standing watch, something bad is going to happen.
Even with just the methadone, he can't hold his damn eyes open and I'm wondering....drugs or methadone....the end result is the same only and the only difference behavioraly is what he's taking is legal.
I don't know if I mentioned that he lost his job last December and is STILL unemployed so that is another trigger for me and my bitterness. I can't help but think that if he would just get a job, things might get back to what we thought was normal.
Living in a Pinkful Place
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Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((MrsMagoo))
Prayers of comfort for you - you (and several others here) are going thru some really tough times.
Changing the focus and taking back control of my life and my emotions is what my sponsors challenged me to do.
This sounds so strange especially now, but after a yr of seperation and 15 months sobriety my AH moved back home. Good Gravy that was tough. This was my mind - ok the meeting is over at 9 pm, give 10-15 mins visiting outside, travel time 30 mins at the most - he should be home by 10:00 10:15 at the latest.
10:30 he wasn't home, 10:45, - you get the picture - I was tapping my toes, looking out the window, thinking OMG I've made a huge mistake, I never should have let him come back home, he's still lying and is probably out using or buying drugs again. tomorrow I'm going back to lawyer, divorcing him and never speaking to him again.
10 mins later he gets home and he had been working with his sponsor. I said well you know you could have called and let me know.
Eventually, as I worked the program I realized it really didn't matter if I asked him to call or not, he really didn't understand my perspective and wasn't going to change. So in looking at the Serenity Prayer - the Courage to change the things I can . . .
I prayed and asked for help from others to learn to do this another way,
Many will say, don't "what if" the situation - because it will get you on a endless cycle - for me sometimes I have to what if it to the very end and with this I did - what if he is lying, what if he is using, what if I do have to get him out of the house, file for divorce, and go thru this crap again.
My sponsor said so what if - is the world goin to stop? I said it's going to hurt like H#LL. she said well aren't you pretty much living in H#LL right now anyway - with no peace?
You have been thru this before and made it thru only then you didn't have recovery, you didn't have a recovery family.
If it happens again - you have so many more tools to handle a relapse, so much more knowledge and power to take care of you. Why do you want to live in fear of what might happen - how about let it go and let God take care of it.
I could go on - but this has turn out longer than I wanted it too - so I'll just close with the "A's" in our lives will probably never fully understand our perspective and our triggers, by taking control of our lives with our HP's guidance we can make different choices and do small little things that help us feel Happy, Joyous and Free - regardless of what they do.
HUGS,
Rita
Prayers of comfort for you - you (and several others here) are going thru some really tough times.
Changing the focus and taking back control of my life and my emotions is what my sponsors challenged me to do.
This sounds so strange especially now, but after a yr of seperation and 15 months sobriety my AH moved back home. Good Gravy that was tough. This was my mind - ok the meeting is over at 9 pm, give 10-15 mins visiting outside, travel time 30 mins at the most - he should be home by 10:00 10:15 at the latest.
10:30 he wasn't home, 10:45, - you get the picture - I was tapping my toes, looking out the window, thinking OMG I've made a huge mistake, I never should have let him come back home, he's still lying and is probably out using or buying drugs again. tomorrow I'm going back to lawyer, divorcing him and never speaking to him again.
10 mins later he gets home and he had been working with his sponsor. I said well you know you could have called and let me know.
Eventually, as I worked the program I realized it really didn't matter if I asked him to call or not, he really didn't understand my perspective and wasn't going to change. So in looking at the Serenity Prayer - the Courage to change the things I can . . .
I prayed and asked for help from others to learn to do this another way,
Many will say, don't "what if" the situation - because it will get you on a endless cycle - for me sometimes I have to what if it to the very end and with this I did - what if he is lying, what if he is using, what if I do have to get him out of the house, file for divorce, and go thru this crap again.
My sponsor said so what if - is the world goin to stop? I said it's going to hurt like H#LL. she said well aren't you pretty much living in H#LL right now anyway - with no peace?
You have been thru this before and made it thru only then you didn't have recovery, you didn't have a recovery family.
If it happens again - you have so many more tools to handle a relapse, so much more knowledge and power to take care of you. Why do you want to live in fear of what might happen - how about let it go and let God take care of it.
I could go on - but this has turn out longer than I wanted it too - so I'll just close with the "A's" in our lives will probably never fully understand our perspective and our triggers, by taking control of our lives with our HP's guidance we can make different choices and do small little things that help us feel Happy, Joyous and Free - regardless of what they do.
HUGS,
Rita
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Rita, that was good. I'm going to print it out and keep it in my purse for when start getting wound a little tight. Like I said, it IS better. I can sleep through the night and if I do wake up, I don't come tearing down the hall to the front room trying to catch him doing something. I've told him that it's not to come into my house. Period. No law enforcement or court in the world would believe that I didn't know what was going on under my own roof and I can't risk loosing my kids again - not after my brush with the law in January! That was a close as I'm ever going to get to let AH's addiction lower me to that level again. I have to be the bigger, more mature, more responsible person - apparently....always. How fun (?)
So, your AH has been back for how long now? No regrets? I should go back and read your posts but every time I get on SR - I end up being here way too long and neglecting my other jobs (like work) but then again, I don't know how I would have survived this past year without SR. SR has certainly leveled the playing field in my house and AH can't stand it cause he's no longer the expert on anything because what I don't know, I can find out about and usually very quickly (THANK YOU EVERYBODY!!!)
I hope everyone has a wonderful 4th of July weekend.
Stay safe and stay sober!
So, your AH has been back for how long now? No regrets? I should go back and read your posts but every time I get on SR - I end up being here way too long and neglecting my other jobs (like work) but then again, I don't know how I would have survived this past year without SR. SR has certainly leveled the playing field in my house and AH can't stand it cause he's no longer the expert on anything because what I don't know, I can find out about and usually very quickly (THANK YOU EVERYBODY!!!)
I hope everyone has a wonderful 4th of July weekend.
Stay safe and stay sober!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: southern cal
Posts: 84
Lightseeker....WOW. Perfect analogy. I will use and share your post.
So simple to understand when you put it in terms of our Codie "Emotional Sobriety"....sooooo very similar to the addict's behavior.
WE empathetically grieve the addict's situation and why they don't respond to us, making their substance issues secondary to their focus on us....scolding them for the absence of affection or communication with us.
Ironically, while they are in rehab, getting help, and we are pacing the carpet desperate for a call or some acknowledgement, we turn into exhausted, fragmented, insecure, pitiful souls. They come out of rehab (hopefully) with a new attitude, ready to start anew, and where are we? Standing on the sidelines WISHING, HOPING, PRAYING they come give US a hug...and make US feel better. How sideways is that?
Thanks again.
I have just exhaled for the first time today.
rivka
So simple to understand when you put it in terms of our Codie "Emotional Sobriety"....sooooo very similar to the addict's behavior.
WE empathetically grieve the addict's situation and why they don't respond to us, making their substance issues secondary to their focus on us....scolding them for the absence of affection or communication with us.
Ironically, while they are in rehab, getting help, and we are pacing the carpet desperate for a call or some acknowledgement, we turn into exhausted, fragmented, insecure, pitiful souls. They come out of rehab (hopefully) with a new attitude, ready to start anew, and where are we? Standing on the sidelines WISHING, HOPING, PRAYING they come give US a hug...and make US feel better. How sideways is that?
Thanks again.
I have just exhaled for the first time today.
rivka
"Welcome To The Future..."
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: WV
Posts: 224
MrsMagoo,
Hey sweetie! When I read about you finding your husband on the couch like that, I got cold chills all through me. This is b/c that was me a few years agao. Always staying up late, using, nodding off on the couch, dropping lit cigarettes, not changing clothes; all of this to avoid going to bed with my boyfriend (now ex bf) and to hide my using from him. I know he would sleep all through the night b/c he worked every day, and at the time I wasn't working. So I would sleep some during the day, and use opiates during all of my awake time. Initially, he got up a few times to check on me and to see why I wasn't in bed yet. I would just say I wasn't sleepy. Eventually, he quit asking. Our relationship ended 2 years ago, but I don't think the drugs were the only cause of that. He used me by living in my house, never helped making any payments on bills, etc. . . It's a long story that I won't go into now. The only relevance is that I know what it meant when I spent the night on the couch.
HOWEVER, I don't say this to make you think that you're hubby is using. I hope to God he isn't. Have you specifically asked him why he is staying on the couch? For me, it wasn't just the using that was keeping me from going to bed. I was also severely depressed. Besides that, I had a fear of going to bed at night b/c I was afraid of having flashbacks of when I was raped. Added to that was my fear of intimacy with my boyfriend. The fact is that I did love him very much, and loved being with him intimately, but occasionally during the act I would have scary thoughts and memories of what had happened to me before. (My bf did not know this happened to me)
Anyway, my point is maybe there are other issues going on that are keeping him from the bedroom--depression, fear of intimacy, fear of expectations from you when it comes to sex (after all, if he's on methadone, it could interfere with his libido). There are a lot of different things that could be causing this other than using drugs.
So, I suggest you sit down and calmly approach the matter. You may have to drag it out of him (lol, with most men you do), but perhaps there is something else bothering him!
I hope things work out better for the two of you. Keep staying strong! Don't do this
even when you feel like doing it anyway! lol. Be there for him, as I'm sure you already are. Best of luck with this situation, keep us updated on it!
Love,
butterfly19
:ghug2
Hey sweetie! When I read about you finding your husband on the couch like that, I got cold chills all through me. This is b/c that was me a few years agao. Always staying up late, using, nodding off on the couch, dropping lit cigarettes, not changing clothes; all of this to avoid going to bed with my boyfriend (now ex bf) and to hide my using from him. I know he would sleep all through the night b/c he worked every day, and at the time I wasn't working. So I would sleep some during the day, and use opiates during all of my awake time. Initially, he got up a few times to check on me and to see why I wasn't in bed yet. I would just say I wasn't sleepy. Eventually, he quit asking. Our relationship ended 2 years ago, but I don't think the drugs were the only cause of that. He used me by living in my house, never helped making any payments on bills, etc. . . It's a long story that I won't go into now. The only relevance is that I know what it meant when I spent the night on the couch.
HOWEVER, I don't say this to make you think that you're hubby is using. I hope to God he isn't. Have you specifically asked him why he is staying on the couch? For me, it wasn't just the using that was keeping me from going to bed. I was also severely depressed. Besides that, I had a fear of going to bed at night b/c I was afraid of having flashbacks of when I was raped. Added to that was my fear of intimacy with my boyfriend. The fact is that I did love him very much, and loved being with him intimately, but occasionally during the act I would have scary thoughts and memories of what had happened to me before. (My bf did not know this happened to me)
Anyway, my point is maybe there are other issues going on that are keeping him from the bedroom--depression, fear of intimacy, fear of expectations from you when it comes to sex (after all, if he's on methadone, it could interfere with his libido). There are a lot of different things that could be causing this other than using drugs.
So, I suggest you sit down and calmly approach the matter. You may have to drag it out of him (lol, with most men you do), but perhaps there is something else bothering him!
I hope things work out better for the two of you. Keep staying strong! Don't do this
even when you feel like doing it anyway! lol. Be there for him, as I'm sure you already are. Best of luck with this situation, keep us updated on it!Love,
butterfly19
:ghug2
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