NYC_Chick

I usually don't post in this much of a panic, BUT my sister called tonight and told me that my father is very sick. He, I assume, is in the end stage of alcoholism. Last time he was there with my family, my sister said that he was drinking a GALLON, yes GALLON, of rum every 3 days. He was in very bad shape then and unable to really do much but sit and drink.

He called her tonight and was telling her about all these problems he's having. He can't keep up with the house, manage stuff in the day to day, etc. He is essentially unable to take care of himself. He has always been a high functioning alcoholic (yea, I know). He needs assisted living at this point, we think. He does not want to do that. Instead, he wants to move in with my sister and her partner. He partner is threatening to leave if my sister allows it (I DON'T BLAME HER!) So, I need some ESA. What should I tell my sister to do? What should we do? We can't afford to pay for assisted living and I don't think he can either.

ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG! I hate this f&^*ing disease!

miss communicat

Since its late at night, and nobody can do anything right now,can you try to set finding the solution to the dilemma aside until the morning? Stay with us and share, take a bath, do anything but try to solve this problem all by yourself right now.

In the morning, can you or your sister make calls to some agencies and ask about his options?

You need more information.
Your sister will need more information, too, but ultimately she will decide whats best for her, and you will decide whats best for you, and together you will learn how to address your sick father.

I am so sorry you are in this dilemma. I pray that it your family finds healing.

Bernadette

Heya NYC chick--
Wow. Just take my prayers :praying- I wouldn't know what else to say except ditto MissCommunicat-- gather info, and see what options are TRULY going to work for you and your sister and your dad. Keep us posted - I hope you'll feel less panicked when you know more tomorrow....
Peace-
B.

peaceteach

((((NYC)))

I agree. Being here and venting really helped me a couple times when I found myself in a panic-state. It helped me to release all the anguish into the cyber-world and out of myself. Your sister's partner sounds very reasonable, and you know you don't want to put that burden on her either. Dad doesn't have a choice in the end, I imagine. How about getting his doctor involved tomorrow? I would guess that an emergency appointment might be in order, with support from a "professional" dad might be able to agree to some options, and the doctor's office might have some suggestions on affordable assisted living quarters for him. A hospital stay might also be in order to check liver functions and other possible ailments. Perhaps the AA organizations also have a suggestion, or the Salvation army.

I'm so sorry that you are faced with dealing with such a problem, NYC. I hate this disease too, so much. It just sucks! Hugs and prayers, sweetie. Don't forget that hot, soothing bath will really work wonders for YOUR anxiety, even if only temporarily.

NYC_Chick

I feel like I'm just spinning off into nowhere now! We all knew this would come some day, but I think I just kept putting it in the back of my mind. I don't want to take care of him, and oddly, I don't feel as bad about that as I feel like I should. He made the choice to drink and to be an absent father, so why should me and my sisters have to deal with the consequence of that?

I am also worried because he seems to be deteriorating at a rapid pace. I saw him a year ago and he wasn't this bad.

I am also concerned because our grandfather died of cirrosis (sp?) at the same age my father is now. The last time I saw him he was sitting in a wheel chair as my grandmother fed him jello and drooling all over himself. I felt nothing. Not compassion or pity, I just thought...he did it to himself. I don't want to get there with my father but I know I am powerless to stop this process. He's been doing this for so long I'm not sure his mind is at all there.

I'm going to try to take a step back and think rationally. There is nothing I can do about this tonight. My sister is supposed to call in the morning so we can come up with a plan.

Sorry for the rant and thanks for listening!

prodigal

Your father's mind seems to be intact, from what I'm reading in your post. He realizes he has a problem. He is aware of his deteriorating condition. Do you think he is capable of attributing his situation to alcoholism? This may be a turning-point at which he will seek professional help.

On the other hand, he may be appealing to your sister to take him in so he can continue to drink himself to death. He has the right to continue to drink; however, your sister has the right not to watch him destroy himself.

You have been put in a very difficult position. Perhaps you should hold a family meeting/conference and get as many perspectives on this situation as possible.

Please keep us posted.

respektingme

NYC Chick,

Sounds like you are living a true nightmare. I'm so sorry that you were put in this position. When I first read your original post, the first thing I thought when you said he didn't want to live in assisted living was because he won't be able to get booze. Sounds like everyone around him has suffered for a very long time because of his wants. I can't blame your sister's partner for a second. No doubt she's trying to protect not only her own sanity, but your sister's sanity as well. I think what the others said is a good idea. Find out lots of information. As much as your father would love to move in with one of you, the consequences of his actions should be his. Unfortunately, that may mean living in assisted living when he's destroyed his body past the level of being able to function.

i4getsm

I think you've gotten some sound advice from the others. He may be your father, but it's not your job to fix this for him. I think your sister has to figure out for herself what she wants to do. I personally would not want this responsibility or, at a minimum, there would be no drinking in my home if he did live with me. (((HUGS))) It's a hard situation. I hope you and your family can find something that works for all of you. Hopefully that will include your father getting help.

Angelus

This is a terrible burden, I know. But if his faculties are intact I pray that he can take an active role in his recovery and that you are able to keep your detachment and peace of mind. (((HUGS)))

twistedruby

The message I got from al-anon here locally is that ALL the consequences of their drinking should fall solely on them.
One consequence would be "You are not welcome in my home as long as you are drinking"


I agree that he may just want to move in with your sister so he can continue drinking.
I don't know what to suggest about where he might be able to stay......but I Do feel that if she takes him in, is she prepared to read your dad the riot act if he stays with her ?
Absolutely no drinking or he is OUT ....and she has to mean it.

I wouldn't let him move in with me to start with.......a gallon of rum every 3 days ?.....NO way will he be able to not drink, regardless of any promises he might make.

What a horrid situation.....I hope you find a place where he can stay....somewhere NOt in the family.

Best of luck with whatever you and/or your sister decide to do.

steve11694

I would ask an addictionologist for some advice/options.

I watched my mom suffer with incurable cancer and at the time is was a terrible thing to go through.

Nowadays, after experiencing the onset of alcoholism in my wife and visiting the gates of hell I believe dealing with addiction in a loved one is worse. Worse in that you know the disease can be "arrested" and the answer is simple for "us". Just stop drinking/drugging. For the family and loved ones learning to "let go" or perhaps really "surrender" is not easy.


Te mando un fuerte abrazo (i send u a big hug)

sadandhopeless

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is a hard choice to make. Your sister will lose her partner If she choses to allow him into their home. It is hard choice to make, but she (you both) have every right to refuse him since he has refused to help himself all these years. It would only hurt more to watch your father live everyday knowing he is killing himself now at a more rapid speed.

Please take care of yourself and keep us posted on what happens. How old is he if you don't mind me asking? This is a horrible disease and destroys so many lives. Don't allow his disease to destroy your life. Especially since he has chosen this forhimself.

Stay strong and take care of you and please advise your sister to take care of herself first as well.

gns

I just wanted to offer my support and thoughts and prayers.

Janitw

Prayers coming your way ..... he has certainly put the family in a difficult situation and I wish we could come up with more ideas for you.....I agree that AA is the best starting point though.

RobbyRobot

:praying

NYC_Chick

Thanks everyone for your responses! I just wanted to give you a quick update.

I regrouped with my sister and we discussed different options. I kept telling her him living with her is NOT an option. I think she finally sees the rational thought in all of this, but she feels very guilty about it. I just keep telling her it's not worth her ruining her life with her partner for him when he has done little more than cause a lot of chaos for us.

My other sister called him and talked to him today. He said he's kind of off living with the first sister (Shocking!) but she also thinks he needs assisted living or something. He is accusing everyone around him of acting strange and being crazy (I know!). I should explain that. He has an identical twin brother. He has never drank or smoked. They used to look exactly alike, now nothing because the alcohol has taken its toll on my dad. My uncle lives near him and they are both retired. My uncle stops over 4 or 5 times a day to check on him. We think he's checking on him to make sure he's alive each day. He's implied this before with me and my sisters. On top of the alcoholism, my father had a mild heart attack like 20 years ago, so he's on medication for that. He now says my uncle is bi-polar, crazy and trying to ruin my father's life. Why? I have no clue. I keep email contact with my uncle regularly and he's the most even tempered person I can think of. I've also never seen a hint of "crazy" behavior out of him.

So we discussed 3 options...

1) Call my uncle and try to get the whole story out of him. This might be difficult for a multitude of reasons, then work with our uncle to figure out programs down there to get him into.

2) Try to do an intervention with my dad. When my mom divorced him, he went into rehab trying to avoid us leaving (yes, typical) she left anyway and we think he was sober for 5-10 years with the help of AA. I don't think we'll ever know for sure how long he was sober. We're also not sure what good an intervention will do now. I don't believe it's every too late to get sober, but he's 69 now and I have no idea how responsive he will be I honestly don't think much of his rational thought is left.

3) Let him stay there an figure it out. He's well aware he is an alcoholic and readily admits it, but does nothing to get help. In fact, he was in the hospital for a surgery a couple of years ago, which was very minor, but he was in for 10 days. We think they kept him to detox him well before the surgery to make sure he didn't die on the table.

This is such a hard spot to be in. I feel sad for him, but not guilty about it. I love my father despite all he has done, but I can't allow his alcoholism to ruin my life.

I have not talked to him yet because he's drunk by the time I get home from work and one boundary I have long established is not to speak to him drunk, so I'll have to call him in the morning and check on him. I'm going to do that, then talk with the sisters again.

A friend of mine invited a bunch of us out to her summer rental on the beach for the weekend, so I've decided just to go. I feel kind of selfish for going, but there is nothing I can do right now. It's funny, the sister I thought would freak out the most is actually doing better with this than me and the one he wanted/wants to move in with.

I'll continue to keep you all posted. Thanks again for all your prayers and support! It helps a lot!

RosieM

Chick, enjoy your time on the beach. It might help clear your head. I find that when I'm consumed with a problem it helps to completely do something else that takes all my thought and concentration - then go back to the problem with fresh brain cells!

I think you are doing great in a really tough situation.

Sometimes I wonder why we have to deal with all these difficulties but I guess everyone has them in one way or another. Oftentimes we don't get to pick what happens to us but we do get to decide how we react to it.

The beach sounds great to me. I am going up to the country for a couple of days to a friend's cabin. Hope you can relax this weekend. R.

Lilyflower

((((NYC)))) Thanks for the update.

To me it sounds like you are handling things well. Have fun at the beach, its good to take time out for you.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers,
lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx