I should have known
A Brand New Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
I should have known
Well we are at the deadline and he stalled another day and checked back into the hotel. He promised last night he would pick up his last paycheck in the morning and come down to pay a deposit on the rent house. I think I will tell him that I will be staying put at my moms until he gets things figured out. The good news my baby girl is almost 8lbs and I still have 2 weeks to the due date...she feels like she will fall out any second and my hips are killing me. PLease pray for strength for me...I need to be able to stand up for myself through this very difficult decision. I wanted so badly to have the sweet little house and family but he is just so unreliable.
Yesterday instead of planning to leave he rented a movie and stayed up all night online making promises and telling me how much we mean to him. He woke up this morning with a "cold" and sounds like he isn't doing anything but resting somewhere..It just seems that even when he is a loser I still want to work things out...argh
Yesterday instead of planning to leave he rented a movie and stayed up all night online making promises and telling me how much we mean to him. He woke up this morning with a "cold" and sounds like he isn't doing anything but resting somewhere..It just seems that even when he is a loser I still want to work things out...argh
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Keep focusing on YOU...... which it sounds as though you are. Bottom line, you have no control over him and more importantly his using. You are totally powerless to it....
Definitely stay at your moms... that is a great idea! Make plans now just for the two of you..... empower yourself in that... and then you will have yourself firmly on the ground and give yourself some time to actually see him walk the walk.... not talk the talk. No more words and broken promises. You and your baby deserve more than that!
That is awesome..... 8 pounds! WOW! Mine were in that range too! Are you documenting your dreams? Is your mom going to be in the room with you during delivery?
I know you aren't supposed to take baths... but I took them ... luke warm ones.. that helped with the lower back and hip pain. I love love love being preggers..... as simple and "duh" as it seems.... just hearing the following helped me a ton: ...... you won't be pg forever!!!!!! Soon you will be in 2 pieces!
How are the braxton hicks? Have you begun nesting? With my first... I spent the last month at my parents too....... and I was nesting in my bedroom and in their kitchen...etc. It's surreal !!!! Take it all in...... embrace this time for you and your little one! There is NOTHING like having your first child!
(((hugs))))
Definitely stay at your moms... that is a great idea! Make plans now just for the two of you..... empower yourself in that... and then you will have yourself firmly on the ground and give yourself some time to actually see him walk the walk.... not talk the talk. No more words and broken promises. You and your baby deserve more than that!
That is awesome..... 8 pounds! WOW! Mine were in that range too! Are you documenting your dreams? Is your mom going to be in the room with you during delivery?
I know you aren't supposed to take baths... but I took them ... luke warm ones.. that helped with the lower back and hip pain. I love love love being preggers..... as simple and "duh" as it seems.... just hearing the following helped me a ton: ...... you won't be pg forever!!!!!! Soon you will be in 2 pieces!
How are the braxton hicks? Have you begun nesting? With my first... I spent the last month at my parents too....... and I was nesting in my bedroom and in their kitchen...etc. It's surreal !!!! Take it all in...... embrace this time for you and your little one! There is NOTHING like having your first child!
(((hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Hollywood, CA
Posts: 58
Aww...I loved being pregnant too. My baby was 10 lbs when she was born. Overdue by almost 2 weeks and was just way too cozy in there. The miracle of birth is amazing and you will find so much strength in knowing what you and your body is capable of. My heart is with you, I am going through stuff with my daughter's daddy as well right now. Keep yourself surrounded by love and support, definitely stay with your mom. My mom helped me SO much the week before and after I had my baby. You are going to be a fantastic mommy
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Are you sure its from a cold? When my son uses his nose gets all stuffed from the powder going into it!!! Many drugs cause you to become stuffed up.
I know you love him but take everything he says with a grain of salt. I love my son but I rarely believe what he says.
I know you love him but take everything he says with a grain of salt. I love my son but I rarely believe what he says.
A Brand New Life
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
He is being so mean he gets mad if I call and now he fusses with me over anything to hang up on me. I don't understand why he is being such a jerk when yesterday he cried and said he would treat me the way I deserve. I feel so lost and lonely. I don't like being alone.I feel like I am settling...
A Brand New Life
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
He dissapeared and will not return my calls. He won't even text to say that he is ok. I was supposed to call him if I go into labor but I guess that doesn't matter anymore. I am so hurt and sad. I can't understand why he is doing this to us...just last night he spoke of all the wonderful things we would do when he comes down to live with me. I guess the parties and the women and the pills have summoned. What if he cheats on me? Wouldn't that be the only reason he isn't returning my call. The only friends he has are all pill pushers. This sucks so bad. I feel like an idiot. How will I do all this on my own...I am screwed...
A Brand New Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
How I feel....
I choose not to be treated with disrespect, thoughtlessness and
general nonconcern. I choose to be happy and satisfied with my
life and make choices to lead me in that direction. I am not
satisfied with the way I have been treated and the actions you have chosen to do/not do
in order to make me feel abandoned, confused and sad. I am a great person
who is smart, talented, loving, kind, helpful, thoughtful, talented, intelligent,
sweet and most of all deserving. You cannot take that away from me and continuing to
allow you in my life and treat me this way, I am stifling the gifts God gave me not
to mention stunting the future of our baby girl. I refuse to allow your wrong
behavior to muck up my life anymore and until you can get help for yourself I do
not feel it is necessary to have relations with you.
I choose not to be treated with disrespect, thoughtlessness and
general nonconcern. I choose to be happy and satisfied with my
life and make choices to lead me in that direction. I am not
satisfied with the way I have been treated and the actions you have chosen to do/not do
in order to make me feel abandoned, confused and sad. I am a great person
who is smart, talented, loving, kind, helpful, thoughtful, talented, intelligent,
sweet and most of all deserving. You cannot take that away from me and continuing to
allow you in my life and treat me this way, I am stifling the gifts God gave me not
to mention stunting the future of our baby girl. I refuse to allow your wrong
behavior to muck up my life anymore and until you can get help for yourself I do
not feel it is necessary to have relations with you.
A Brand New Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
Well I still haven't heard from him...he isn't coming I guess...he acted like everything was fine with me on the phone and now just dissapeared ...You know what...I have to choose just like he does and I choose to protect my baby from this crap....I will let go and let God but it will be soooo hard....I just wish that I had more strength right now. I think waking up with cramping and not having him there to call really makes me feel like ...fine I can do it on my own. It just hurts..the rejection just hurts...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I know it hurts, and I'm so sorry. One of the very wise posters here once was talking about how hard it was to walk away from her addict, but that she realized she would always have what was best of him....in her child. I'm sure that makes it hurt even more for a little bit, but at some point it helps with the grieving.
You have a new baby coming, someone who will depend on you. He is missing out on a wonderful experience, and it will be a big loss.
Stick close to the people who support you. It hurts like he!!, but it gets better...promise.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
You have a new baby coming, someone who will depend on you. He is missing out on a wonderful experience, and it will be a big loss.
Stick close to the people who support you. It hurts like he!!, but it gets better...promise.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I also posted on your other thread but wanted to chime in here too. It does hurt - more that you feel that you can bear at times. I remember going back and forth....hurting when things like this occurred, then breaking up and that hurting just as much. No win situation. It's actually got a name in the counselling world - trauma bonding. The good stuff hooks us in and addictively bonds us to someone that then hurts us and pushes us away. We have to go through withdrawals and it can be extremely painful emotionally. But remember, emotions are not facts. And they will pass. I promise that. The short term pain is such more better than a prolonged life of broken dreams and hopes.
If you want to give him chances then try and do it from a place where you and your baby are not directly affected by what he does. Someone in his shoes cannot be relied on financially, emotionally, or physically. For someone in addiction it is just not possible. If all of his friends are pill pushers it's not likely that he is going to be sobering up enough to build a life with you right now. It is not a failure on your part or that you are not enough. THAT JUST ISN'T TRUE. I don't think that most of us understand what happens with drug addiction. At some point, the ability to discern the right thing to do is hijacked. It is dealing with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Thus, the promises and words of love. That part exists but will never win out over the addict part until the addict quits using and gets into recovery. There is absolutely nothing that we can do to change someone elses addiction except to not participate in it in any way....as in continuing a relationship with them, providing shelter, etc. Hard words to hear but unfortunately they are the truth.
Remember, you are not alone even though you feel that you are. Those feelings are a story that your codie side is telling you...you actually have family and friends that are there for you and love you. I have to remember that I am not really alone - I'm just not getting support from the one person that I really want it from. Like that will make some karmic injustice all okay. It's all a myth. What I have learned is that I have to support myself from the inside out and not resource it out to others. My HP is the only constant in my life. Everyone else has the potential to let me down - not because of anything wrong in me but because of things in their own lives. Learn who supports you and who you count on - in the long run that is the only way to live.
I am sending prayers to you and your baby for serenity and the ability to feel all of the support and love that is there for the two of you. I also pray for your growing awareness that AF is sick - very sick - and his sickness is no reflection on you or your worth.
Hugs
If you want to give him chances then try and do it from a place where you and your baby are not directly affected by what he does. Someone in his shoes cannot be relied on financially, emotionally, or physically. For someone in addiction it is just not possible. If all of his friends are pill pushers it's not likely that he is going to be sobering up enough to build a life with you right now. It is not a failure on your part or that you are not enough. THAT JUST ISN'T TRUE. I don't think that most of us understand what happens with drug addiction. At some point, the ability to discern the right thing to do is hijacked. It is dealing with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Thus, the promises and words of love. That part exists but will never win out over the addict part until the addict quits using and gets into recovery. There is absolutely nothing that we can do to change someone elses addiction except to not participate in it in any way....as in continuing a relationship with them, providing shelter, etc. Hard words to hear but unfortunately they are the truth.
Remember, you are not alone even though you feel that you are. Those feelings are a story that your codie side is telling you...you actually have family and friends that are there for you and love you. I have to remember that I am not really alone - I'm just not getting support from the one person that I really want it from. Like that will make some karmic injustice all okay. It's all a myth. What I have learned is that I have to support myself from the inside out and not resource it out to others. My HP is the only constant in my life. Everyone else has the potential to let me down - not because of anything wrong in me but because of things in their own lives. Learn who supports you and who you count on - in the long run that is the only way to live.
I am sending prayers to you and your baby for serenity and the ability to feel all of the support and love that is there for the two of you. I also pray for your growing awareness that AF is sick - very sick - and his sickness is no reflection on you or your worth.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Ohio
Posts: 233
I understand how alone you feel with the baby about to come. I'm sorry.
I have a feeling you would be feeling alone and lonely alot even if you did move in together. I know I felt that way alot when I was married and it was so exhausting explaining why me and the kids were starting to show up at things and he wasn't there. Like funerals, holidays, school functions, church, reunions to name a few. At least now he is gone instead of there in my face constantly letting me down, and letting the kids down over and over again. Hang in there and let your family help you honey....you don't need that crap.
I have a feeling you would be feeling alone and lonely alot even if you did move in together. I know I felt that way alot when I was married and it was so exhausting explaining why me and the kids were starting to show up at things and he wasn't there. Like funerals, holidays, school functions, church, reunions to name a few. At least now he is gone instead of there in my face constantly letting me down, and letting the kids down over and over again. Hang in there and let your family help you honey....you don't need that crap.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Awww, my heart is breaking for you and that little unborn baby. I loved being pregnant!
Are you going to call him when you go into labor? I've been thinking about that and I wonder, if I were in your shoes, if I would? My ex with my first baby was out partying all the time too when I was late in my pregnancy. We had no phone so I always hoped (I was also dumb and 19) that while he was out doing God only knows what, I would go into labor, and he would come home and I'd simply be gone. His loss. Of course it didn't happen that way and was there for the birth, very supportive (surprisingly) and a pretty good dad for a while. When we split up, it was because he'd been out doing coke and drinking beer on a golf course all day, came home, slopped up the house and then broke my car window with a beer bottle cause I wanted to use a pay phone to call a friend but when it was time.....it was time. I never looked back. All I could think of was that sweet little baby and not wanting her to grow-up and witness the disrespect, the language, the drugs, the alchohol etc.
I called 911, called Mama and jumped a plane from NC to IL and enrolled my butt in school so I would never have to depend on another man to support me or my baby ever again. He was one of the best things to ever happen to me in a strange way cause he pushed me out and away and gave me the courage and drive to go to college and get my degree.
I don't know if this is still true or not but back when I did this (20 years ago), all my school was paid for with Pell Grants and I even got free daycare and mileage checks (my school was an hour away from where I lived) from social services! I got a free ride with some pocket change all because I was a single mother and WANTED to be a better mother. Just something to think about.
Think about whether or not you really want to call him. Is he going to suddenly step up to the plate for a couple of hours while you give birth - then what? Go out and celebrate with is buddies cause he's a "daddy". Being a daddy goes way beyond the biological deed.
I wish you the best and will pray over you and baby tonight in hopes that things change for the best and that you have an easy delivery and healthy (8 pounds sounds healthy to me!) baby girl.
As a matter of fact, I remember thinking, "oh, I was so in love with my hubby" - until the baby was born. There is no love like it and no love that will ever match it. It might be VERY easy to walk away once you have that tiny little things in your arms. She will be ALL that matters. You'll see.
I'm happy for you! Congratulations!
Are you going to call him when you go into labor? I've been thinking about that and I wonder, if I were in your shoes, if I would? My ex with my first baby was out partying all the time too when I was late in my pregnancy. We had no phone so I always hoped (I was also dumb and 19) that while he was out doing God only knows what, I would go into labor, and he would come home and I'd simply be gone. His loss. Of course it didn't happen that way and was there for the birth, very supportive (surprisingly) and a pretty good dad for a while. When we split up, it was because he'd been out doing coke and drinking beer on a golf course all day, came home, slopped up the house and then broke my car window with a beer bottle cause I wanted to use a pay phone to call a friend but when it was time.....it was time. I never looked back. All I could think of was that sweet little baby and not wanting her to grow-up and witness the disrespect, the language, the drugs, the alchohol etc.
I called 911, called Mama and jumped a plane from NC to IL and enrolled my butt in school so I would never have to depend on another man to support me or my baby ever again. He was one of the best things to ever happen to me in a strange way cause he pushed me out and away and gave me the courage and drive to go to college and get my degree.
I don't know if this is still true or not but back when I did this (20 years ago), all my school was paid for with Pell Grants and I even got free daycare and mileage checks (my school was an hour away from where I lived) from social services! I got a free ride with some pocket change all because I was a single mother and WANTED to be a better mother. Just something to think about.
Think about whether or not you really want to call him. Is he going to suddenly step up to the plate for a couple of hours while you give birth - then what? Go out and celebrate with is buddies cause he's a "daddy". Being a daddy goes way beyond the biological deed.
I wish you the best and will pray over you and baby tonight in hopes that things change for the best and that you have an easy delivery and healthy (8 pounds sounds healthy to me!) baby girl.
As a matter of fact, I remember thinking, "oh, I was so in love with my hubby" - until the baby was born. There is no love like it and no love that will ever match it. It might be VERY easy to walk away once you have that tiny little things in your arms. She will be ALL that matters. You'll see.
I'm happy for you! Congratulations!
A Brand New Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
He called me from work and said he will be going back to his hometown to look for a place and has made so many excuses not to live by my family. He is driving there to spend the weekend and find a place and "come get me" how the hell would I even find a dr to take me at my due date? Does he really think i can just find a new place to have the baby in a week? He spent a week in a motel b/c he got kicked out our old place and now he wont spend this weekend in a hotel b/c he thinks its a waste. I think he should drive down here beg my forgiveness for being an a** and sleep in his car until we find a place, why is he being such a baby? I want to have a good partner but I feel like I am trying to accept a shattered version of what I once had...I am so confused and tonight is the last night to really decide whether or not to break up and sever ties or chase him to his hometown
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
sweetie, if you chase him, you are setting yourself up for much more of the same...and worse. You will be in HIS hometown, with a new baby, and he is going to be just as unreliable. He will think that he can do whatever he wants and you will accept it.
You do not have to make this decision "forever", but you need to do what's best for you and your baby, which, I think, is stay close to your family. If he gets straightened up, gets into recovery, acts like a responsible partner and dad, you can reconsider.
Right now, he's doing exactly what he wants to, damn the consequences. I know...I did it, too. Always said "I'll deal with it later, when I get clean". I didn't GET clean until the consequences pretty much forced me to, and even then, if I hadn't really wanted recovery, I'd have gone right back out there.
PLEASE do what's best for you and the baby...and right now, I don't think he's it.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
You do not have to make this decision "forever", but you need to do what's best for you and your baby, which, I think, is stay close to your family. If he gets straightened up, gets into recovery, acts like a responsible partner and dad, you can reconsider.
Right now, he's doing exactly what he wants to, damn the consequences. I know...I did it, too. Always said "I'll deal with it later, when I get clean". I didn't GET clean until the consequences pretty much forced me to, and even then, if I hadn't really wanted recovery, I'd have gone right back out there.
PLEASE do what's best for you and the baby...and right now, I don't think he's it.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 62
Originally Posted by Impurrfect 
Right now, he's doing exactly what he wants to, damn the consequences. I know...I did it, too. Always said "I'll deal with it later, when I get clean". I didn't GET clean until the consequences pretty much forced me to, and even then, if I hadn't really wanted recovery, I'd have gone right back out there.
That's not to say that the consequences will be easy on you - I'm sure they will be harder on you than him, at first, anyway. You have a lot to think about and your child deserves all of your focus & attention - not your BF who is acting like a child
((((((((((hug)))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Gah, I am so sorry. This is NOT a time for him to be doing this. He needs to be there to support you when you are having that baby.
By the way, I remember being where you are (pregnancy wise.) Good grief. My little one was due July 12th and she came July 19th! I was so big and fat and waddle-y. I would just lay in bed and cry because my back and hips and joints hurt so bad!
But, I will tell you, I do miss being pregnant in some ways. I miss feeling her kicking. I still lay down on my back and put my hand on my belly and close my eyes and try to remember how it felt.
Are you having braxton hicks contractions yet?
As for him, well, just try and surround yourself with people you LOVE and who LOVE you and will support you through this time. Work on getting things set for the baby because after that little wee one is born, you will not have much time to think of him.
:ghug3
By the way, I remember being where you are (pregnancy wise.) Good grief. My little one was due July 12th and she came July 19th! I was so big and fat and waddle-y. I would just lay in bed and cry because my back and hips and joints hurt so bad!
But, I will tell you, I do miss being pregnant in some ways. I miss feeling her kicking. I still lay down on my back and put my hand on my belly and close my eyes and try to remember how it felt.
Are you having braxton hicks contractions yet?
As for him, well, just try and surround yourself with people you LOVE and who LOVE you and will support you through this time. Work on getting things set for the baby because after that little wee one is born, you will not have much time to think of him.
:ghug3
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 178
Dear Whereami,
I came upon this thread tonight and my heart is breaking for you and your baby. I have to agree with Ladybugg because I too got married and then I never saw my husband. We had a beautiful baby girl who I took care of myself. I started to become afraid that he would come home. I don't know why God decided to grant me this miracle, but one day he stopped. And he never picked up again. (My story gets messed up in here.) Our daughter is now 27 years old, and we may not be blissful, but we're together and will stay together.. I love him and he loves me. But this was a miracle.
If I could not have gotten married, and missed those first 7 horrid years with him, I have to say I wouldn't have got married. That's how bad it was that even now I would choose not to be with him under those circumstances.
Think long and hard. I know it hurts, but how much are you willing to hurt?
Please take care of yourself and your baby.
Carol
If I could not have gotten married, and missed those first 7 horrid years with him, I have to say I wouldn't have got married. That's how bad it was that even now I would choose not to be with him under those circumstances.
Think long and hard. I know it hurts, but how much are you willing to hurt?
Please take care of yourself and your baby.
Carol
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