Ready for this to be over...
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Ready for this to be over...
I read in another post of an SR member who just finalized her divorce from her AH. I am SO happy for her... and a bit jealous! :-) I'm ready for mine to be final and it keeps dragging on.
The latest twist for me has to deal with an ex-friend of mine who I recently found out had an affair with my wife. If he will send me a sworn statement then that will bar my wife from getting alimony. At first he said he'd send it and then he ignored me a few days and I emailed and called him again. I talked to him once and after asking for the letter politely (I actually had another friend who heard me say that I was too nice in asking, I did say please and thank you...) he had the nerve to say "I guess you're still mad at me."
There was about a 5 second pause while my head spun around and then I said "You fu**ed my wife. Yes, I'm mad." Oops. I'm a Christian and try my best to be very well behaved and to use proper words when conveying a message. But, that's what came out of my mouth. I actually think they may have been the best words at the time, it didn't leave any guesswork as to how this affected me. I proceeded to tell him how worthless and crazy the 2 of them made me feel when they denied the affair and how I was trying to process the confusion, disgust and betrayal while fighting for my home, my business, my finances, my health and my sanity. I completed by saying "I am beyond mad."
So... today I have to ask him again for the letter (I'm now getting upset that I have to beg him for this) and he responds with this...
Dear Lord God in Heaven hold me back... HIS wellbeing... MY demeanor! I can't even believe he'd say something like that. Actually, I can.
This is really bringing out my curse-word vocabulary that I'd tried to leave in the past. I've had some real non-Christian thoughts through all of this. I've had some just plain mean and disturbing thoughts (can anyone else relate to this or am I just a weirdo/freak/psycho?) lately and I'm ready for it to be over.
I'm tired... wore out... teetering on insanity. I do really great and then something knocks the wind out of my sails. I thought that I'd step off the roller coaster but still feel like I'm on it right now.
Sorry for rambling folks, it helps me to maintain the shred of sanity I still have left...
The latest twist for me has to deal with an ex-friend of mine who I recently found out had an affair with my wife. If he will send me a sworn statement then that will bar my wife from getting alimony. At first he said he'd send it and then he ignored me a few days and I emailed and called him again. I talked to him once and after asking for the letter politely (I actually had another friend who heard me say that I was too nice in asking, I did say please and thank you...) he had the nerve to say "I guess you're still mad at me."
There was about a 5 second pause while my head spun around and then I said "You fu**ed my wife. Yes, I'm mad." Oops. I'm a Christian and try my best to be very well behaved and to use proper words when conveying a message. But, that's what came out of my mouth. I actually think they may have been the best words at the time, it didn't leave any guesswork as to how this affected me. I proceeded to tell him how worthless and crazy the 2 of them made me feel when they denied the affair and how I was trying to process the confusion, disgust and betrayal while fighting for my home, my business, my finances, my health and my sanity. I completed by saying "I am beyond mad."
So... today I have to ask him again for the letter (I'm now getting upset that I have to beg him for this) and he responds with this...
I will get back with you ASAP. I am a little uncomfortable with this due to your demeanor on our last call. I am not saying you don’t have the right to be mad. I need to know that anything I swear to can’t come back on me. I don’t know what I need to reassure my wellbeing here.
This is really bringing out my curse-word vocabulary that I'd tried to leave in the past. I've had some real non-Christian thoughts through all of this. I've had some just plain mean and disturbing thoughts (can anyone else relate to this or am I just a weirdo/freak/psycho?) lately and I'm ready for it to be over.
I'm tired... wore out... teetering on insanity. I do really great and then something knocks the wind out of my sails. I thought that I'd step off the roller coaster but still feel like I'm on it right now.
Sorry for rambling folks, it helps me to maintain the shred of sanity I still have left...
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
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Well, as much as I can understand why you are frustrated and angry, I can also understand the guy's reluctance to put anything in writing for you. It may not be in his best interests to do so. Can your attorney deal with this request? Perhaps schedule a deposition or just call the guy as a witness if necessary? That will alow you to step out of it, remain calm and work on your healing.
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TD I'm sorry that you are going through this 
IMHO you let out anger that you probably had held in for awhile now and it made
you feel better. I do not really believe that it was right or wrong in this case..however I guess everyone approaches things differently. What's done is done so move on from that...
It appears that although what happened between your wife and him he did respond it sounds IMHO genuine-Maybe tell him that this would be a great help to you and that you apologize for using such language. Reiterate to him that you would like to have this letter and that it would be greatly appreciated. If this guy is in fact sorry in anyway for what happened approaching him nicely would benefit you right now. He has a good reason after being yelled at to be concerned for his well being...
Just a thought.....
Good Luck and breathe... be gentle with yourself! Hang in there
That saying we all know growing up "You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar."
IMHO you let out anger that you probably had held in for awhile now and it made
you feel better. I do not really believe that it was right or wrong in this case..however I guess everyone approaches things differently. What's done is done so move on from that...
It appears that although what happened between your wife and him he did respond it sounds IMHO genuine-Maybe tell him that this would be a great help to you and that you apologize for using such language. Reiterate to him that you would like to have this letter and that it would be greatly appreciated. If this guy is in fact sorry in anyway for what happened approaching him nicely would benefit you right now. He has a good reason after being yelled at to be concerned for his well being...
Just a thought.....
Good Luck and breathe... be gentle with yourself! Hang in there
That saying we all know growing up "You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar."
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Originally Posted by Barbara52 
Well, as much as I can understand why you are frustrated and angry, I can also understand the guy's reluctance to put anything in writing for you. It may not be in his best interests to do so. Can your attorney deal with this request? Perhaps schedule a deposition or just call the guy as a witness if necessary? That will alow you to step out of it, remain calm and work on your healing.
According to my attorney we need it sworn to in order to use in court. The guy is out of state so we can't subpoena him for anything like this. He said he'd testify in court but he's backing out of this so I'm sure testifying would be a no go for him.
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Have you really let your anger out? It sounds like you're trying too hard to hold it all in. I know for me it is something that I am afraid of- but it usually seeps out if I don't express it. I feel like I have to truly FEEL my anger in order to get past it. I scream in the car, journal all kinds of non-Christian horrible things, let it out with my counselor. . . AND- I did finally have it out with my STBXAH. I made an amend to myself for putting up with his blaming/crap for so long. He's never seen me so angry. I believe I actually levitated. I spent 30 seconds reaming him for all of the blame- for leaving me with all of the responsibility- for the 2 emotional affairs he had- NOT because he's an alcoholic- I have compassion for his struggle- but not his crappy behavior. I did convey to him- very effectively- that I am drawing a line in the sand and enough is enough! I do not recommend this to everyone- but it was something that helped me. I'm still not over my anger- but that is something I will deal with on my own now. I want to get past this and move forward. I have to say, though- the dynamic has shifted. I will not take anymore crap from this man.
It sounds to me- from this and other posts- that you are getting hooked into this former friend's manipulations. IMHO you are asking a lot of yourself- to be that upstanding Christian who does not swear??? I get it- and it's something admirable to strive for- but how about cutting yourself some slack? You are not a weirdo/freak/psycho. As far as I can tell, you are an angry, hurt, betrayed man- and you have a right to feel all of that- so keep feeling it all until it's all out of you.
Can you use his emails as evidence? I wish I knew how to help you with getting his letter- but I'm not sure what to tell you. He's yanking your chain- don't let him.
It sounds to me- from this and other posts- that you are getting hooked into this former friend's manipulations. IMHO you are asking a lot of yourself- to be that upstanding Christian who does not swear??? I get it- and it's something admirable to strive for- but how about cutting yourself some slack? You are not a weirdo/freak/psycho. As far as I can tell, you are an angry, hurt, betrayed man- and you have a right to feel all of that- so keep feeling it all until it's all out of you.
Can you use his emails as evidence? I wish I knew how to help you with getting his letter- but I'm not sure what to tell you. He's yanking your chain- don't let him.
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Originally Posted by TDinATL
He already sent me his 'confession' in an email form. All we asked is that he print it and have it notarized.
According to my attorney we need it sworn to in order to use in court. The guy is out of state so we can't subpoena him for anything like this. He said he'd testify in court but he's backing out of this so I'm sure testifying would be a no go for him.
According to my attorney we need it sworn to in order to use in court. The guy is out of state so we can't subpoena him for anything like this. He said he'd testify in court but he's backing out of this so I'm sure testifying would be a no go for him.
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Pajarito - sounds like you get where I'm coming from, thanks. I needed at least someone to understand that. I do hold a lot inside, and just let little 'bursts' out - trying to figure out the healthy way to handle things. Not all that great at it, yet. :-)
Barbara, you are correct - in my last email to this guy I told him if he didn't want to send the letter then that was his choice. I'd deal with things another way but I wasn't going to beg him to send this over.
I'm just at my wit's end, just ready to close this chapter and move on...
Barbara, you are correct - in my last email to this guy I told him if he didn't want to send the letter then that was his choice. I'd deal with things another way but I wasn't going to beg him to send this over.
I'm just at my wit's end, just ready to close this chapter and move on...
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Wow, I can hear how really difficult it is for you right now, and I'm glad you feel safe enough with us to let it out here. I'd like to reassure you that I don't think it is at all un-christian to feel anger, even intense anger. What we do with our anger is far more important. I think it's great to hear you express it.
You first described this person as an "ex-friend," and I hear you making a request of him that for myself, I would only feel comfortable making to someone I thought of as a friend. If he had an affair with your wife, doesn't it follow that he may still have some feelings for her? If so, does it make sense that he would make a sworn statement to you that would hurt her financially? I'm just asking, to insert some logic into your situation, and I understand why you feel angry, perhaps toward both of them. I agree that having an attorney in your corner right now could be very helpful. He/she can take the legal load, freeing your energy to cope with the difficult emotions you're going through.
EDIT: Ooops, I see this thread is moving faster than I can type. I see where he emailed his "confession"...
You first described this person as an "ex-friend," and I hear you making a request of him that for myself, I would only feel comfortable making to someone I thought of as a friend. If he had an affair with your wife, doesn't it follow that he may still have some feelings for her? If so, does it make sense that he would make a sworn statement to you that would hurt her financially? I'm just asking, to insert some logic into your situation, and I understand why you feel angry, perhaps toward both of them. I agree that having an attorney in your corner right now could be very helpful. He/she can take the legal load, freeing your energy to cope with the difficult emotions you're going through.
EDIT: Ooops, I see this thread is moving faster than I can type. I see where he emailed his "confession"...
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You first described this person as an "ex-friend," and I hear you making a request of him that for myself, I would only feel comfortable making to someone I thought of as a friend.
He was one of the people that I confided in when the divorce started, and he knew everything I was being put through. He sounded genuinely angered by what my wife was doing and finally said that he knew some things about her that could make my divorce easier.
That's the biggest thing here - he told me of the affair in an effort to help my divorce go easier. Now he's backing down when I really need some hard information from him.
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It sounds as if he wanted to apologize to you personally; however, he does not wish to put his admission on a notarized email or letter. Do you think his original intention was to sincerely make amends to you? Do you think his offer to "help" included admitting in a document, which would be part of the court record, that he had sex with your wife?
If he signs the document, you will not be obligated to pay alimony. If he refuses, I assume you will be paying alimony. Should that be the case, has your attorney given you an idea as to how much you would have to pay your ex?
If he signs the document, you will not be obligated to pay alimony. If he refuses, I assume you will be paying alimony. Should that be the case, has your attorney given you an idea as to how much you would have to pay your ex?
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