Question from an alcoholic

Old 07-01-2008, 10:26 AM
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Question from an alcoholic

Hi there,
I am fairly new to recovery this time (54 days) and fairly new to SR (a week or so). Often I will hit new posts to see what has been going on when I first log on.
Obviously, often there are threads in this forum that come up.
I often read in this forum as well. BUT I rarely post because I am not sure what the protocol is.
Are addicts/alcoholics allowed to post in the Friends and Family Area?
If it is allowed, do you all think it is ok?
Does it annoy you to have alcoholics and addicts in this area?
Can I ask questions of members here if I need advice regarding how to respond or talk to my husband (who is a normie)?
Is there anything anyone here can tell me about rules and boundaries so that I do not unknowingly step on anyone's toes?
TIA
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Old 07-01-2008, 10:34 AM
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Welcome to our forum! We would love to hear from you and help however we can. Sometimes, your perspective may be just what someone else needs to hear. We are here to help and support each other, and we are glad that you care. Some more folks will be along shortly to add their thoughts, and thank you for asking! Please feel free to reply, ask us questions, and let us know what's on your mind.
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Old 07-01-2008, 10:54 AM
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Welcome all I can do is speak for myself when I say that I think that both sides can benefit. And if you need any help or have any questions I would be happy to help, if I can. My husband is an alcoholic and I have several friends who are in AA as well. And then I have a son who is also an addict...
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Old 07-01-2008, 11:04 AM
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Welcome to SR TTS! Glad that you found us....

IMHO I have learned a lot from A's in which that has helped me with my recovery!

In SR we are allowed to post where we want too if we feel that we can
offer any support-(Except the men's and woman's forums you have to be either or)

I personally enjoy any support that I can get! That is just me...

Welcome again and congrats on your sober time!
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Old 07-01-2008, 11:16 AM
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Thank you three so much!
Often I will just read because I feel that I can not be of any help but a couple of times I thought that maybe I could offer something but I did not want to overstep my boundaries.
So...I do have a question.
Like I said, I have been sober for almost 2 months. I attend meetings (5-7 a week), see a therapist once a week, I have a sponsor I call every day and I am working the steps. My husband has been supportive of my program but does not ask a lot or ever really comment on it. He asks if I am going to a meeting, etc. but not much else.
I know that he has to be angry and that he has a lot bottled up inside considering all that I put him through. Last night, for the first time, he mentioned something about my drinking and how I used to get trashed and he had to watch out for me, etc. I felt so bad but all I could do was apologize and tell him that yes, I had a lot of amends to make and I intend to. Right now I am only on Step 3 so I need to take it a step at a time. I did tell him I was so sorry and that I intended to spend the rest of my life making amends.

I guess my question is:
I know that he probably has a lot of feelings bottled up. I have suggested Alanon but he is just not a joiner. I know that he is probably angry, etc. Should I encourage him to talk or just focus on me and my recovery and being the best wife and mother I can be today and let him bring things up as needed?
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Old 07-01-2008, 11:23 AM
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I know that he probably has a lot of feelings bottled up. I have suggested Alanon but he is just not a joiner. I know that he is probably angry, etc. Should I encourage him to talk or just focus on me and my recovery and being the best wife and mother I can be today and let him bring things up as needed?
The suggestion for Al-Anon was a great idea however it is his choice to do so...just as it was yours to work on your recovery.

I do believe that you answered your own question "Just focus on you" leave him to his thoughts and let your actions begin to possibly help him to see the change in you. Recovery is for US no matter who we are...an addict, an Alcoholic, over eater or just a simple codie like me (not that I'am simple LOL)

IMHO when I start to see actions behind words it is the greatest thing anyone can do not only for themselves but for others around them in which they have created chaos

Good luck to you and with your recovery keep us posted!
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Old 07-01-2008, 11:31 AM
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Hey there TTOSBT,

I'm glad you are posting here! I agree with the others that it is beneficial for all of us to have those in recovery posting here too. We do actually have quite alot of people post here who are in recovery. I always find their posts refreshing!

To me we are all working our steps, for me my addiction is people with an addiction!!! i'm a codependant so I basically love anyone who needs me, kind of leads me into dysfunctional relationships!

Congrats by the way for your ~2 months - yey you!!



Originally Posted by TTOSBT View Post
I guess my question is:
I know that he probably has a lot of feelings bottled up. I have suggested Alanon but he is just not a joiner. I know that he is probably angry, etc. Should I encourage him to talk or just focus on me and my recovery and being the best wife and mother I can be today and let him bring things up as needed?
I think you've got it right - concentrate on your recovery. If your A wants to talk about issues in your marriage then they can be discussed as and when they arise.

Recovery is for both of you, and I would keep suggesting al-anon for him as an outlet. He may decide to go eventually. Also you could tell him about SR?

Although he has all this anger inside him, don't think you need to spend your ''whole life'' making up for things. In order for your relationship to move forward there needs to be forgiveness. Guilt is a nasty emotion that eats away from the inside out.

Give your heartfelt apology and then explain to him that this is why you are working the steps, to enable yourself to handle things better so that in the future you can be a healthy person. You cannot go back in time and make amends!

Good luck to you!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :ghug
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Old 07-01-2008, 11:43 AM
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First off, your perspective as an alcoholic is welcome in many ways to me. A number of alcoholics psot in this board and I often find their comments helpful. So stick around.

Originally Posted by TTOSBT View Post
Should I encourage him to talk or just focus on me and my recovery and being the best wife and mother I can be today and let him bring things up as needed?
As others have said his recovery is his to own. You've made the suggestion of AlAnon, its his decision whether to act or not. I have not been to any AlAnon meetings and have down quite well in my own recovery. Perhaps buy him a book or 2 that could be helpful. But again it will be his chocie whether to read or not.

It must be difficult trying to earn back his trust and rebuild your relationship. Perhaps couples counseling if he is open to it?
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Old 07-01-2008, 11:44 AM
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I agree that focusing on you is the best thing you can do for him. That being said, if you think there are issues in your marriage that could benefit from being talked out, you might want to ask him if he'd like to go to see a marriage counselor. Otherwise, I wouldn't worry about him. As the wife of an alcoholic who can not stay sober longer than 3 weeks at a time, ever, I can say that I do have some issues with his drinking. But they are often far less when he just isn't drinking. Like almost obsolete.
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Old 07-01-2008, 12:49 PM
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Hi TTOSBT, welcome to SR, I've read quite a few of your posts since you joined and I'm grateful for the ES&H you've shared within our recovery community.

I'm one of those pesky alcoholics who sticks his nose into the Friends And Family forums, I try to contribute when I have something useful to share. In return I've been treated with kindness and understanding, the good folks here in F&F have opened my eyes to the other side of this disease.

To answer your question about your husband: You're still very early in sobriety, please be patient and allow time and your efforts in recovery to mend and slowly heal the wounds. Although I wasn't able to keep my marriage together by achieving sobriety, I know that it'll take a long time to clean up the wreckage that I created in 11 years of marriage. Some days it's two steps forward and three steps back, but as long as I stay focused on the program there will always be some form of progress.

Drinking was definitely "all about me", and in an ironic way so is recovery (except that part of the program is working with and helping others). Yes, I stay focused on my recovery and being the best father to my children that I'm capable of being. As long as I'm working on that, then I can be useful to others. What I've found is that some people truly do want what we all have in recovery, peace and serenity, acceptance and awareness, the wonder of the journey. Call it what you want. I've been sober for slightly longer than three years, divorced for slightly less than that. Some days my ex is friendly, other days the resentments resurface. I've made my amends, it's not up to me now to bring forgiveness and happiness to her life.

Recovery for me is a lifetime process. After a year in AA I went to several Al-Anon meetings in an effort to understand the wreckage I created, then a little over a year ago I started going to CoDA meetings and learned that my issues started long before I picked up my first drink. Reading posts in the F&F forums on SR is another great way that I've expanded my program of recovery. I'm rambling, but I guess what I'm trying to share is that the more we learn from each other the better, there's no such thing as understanding too much about our addictions.

Best wishes to you, I look forward to reading more of your posts.

Scott
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Old 07-01-2008, 12:58 PM
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I totally agree that focusing on you and your recovery is key...I can relate when you say he is not a joiner, as I never thought that I needed to go to Alanon because it is his problem not mine why should I have to sacrifice my time...and also I was not much of a joiner and I was a very personal person, I had no desire to tell a bunch of strangers about my personal issues...well, a friend of mine took me to a Alanon meeting one night, I had no idea what she was doing otherwise I would not have gone(by the way she is in recovery as well, an active AA member) and we went to this Alanon meeting..And it is amazing, I didn't need to share anything all I did was listen and relate...I kept going back.

I also go to open AA meetings and speaker meetings with my husband, and it helped me to understand this disease a lot better...I have been really lucky as my husband was in recovery when I met him and by the grace of god he still is...I have met a lot of wonderful people in the program...and it has helped me tremendously while dealing with my son who is an addict...I thank god everyday for the 12 step programs...I think after he sees how serious you are about recovery he may open up a bit more, just take it a day at a time and things will get better...
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Old 07-01-2008, 01:04 PM
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Hi TTOSBT

When I first joined here I posted in the Alcoholism forum by accident, even though I was in the wrong place the replies I received did help me a lot. I was struggling to understand why by abf behaved the way he did and I did start to look at things on the other side of the fence so to speak.

The posters who responded to my own pleas opened my eyes to say the least, I was all about helping him, changing him, saving him and they told me - as the posters do in the relationship forum - that he will do as he does until he learns he wants to change. I also read some heartbreaking posts from members who had lost an awful lot before they hit their "bottom".

Suffice to say my relationship ended, but a lot of what I read sticks with me. I'd love for you to continue posting here.
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Old 07-01-2008, 02:44 PM
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Wow! You all are so welcoming and I got so much from each and every one of your posts.
I hear you all and I will keep posting and I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. Hopefully over time he will see the progress and I will begin to earn some of his trust back.
I am so grateful for SR and ALL OF YOU!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!! :ghug
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Old 07-01-2008, 03:23 PM
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Thank you for this thread TTOSBT! I had the same question as you and didn't have the courage to post it. I am 130 days sober and was wondering the same about my BF. All of the replies have been helpful to me as well.Keep up the great work!
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Old 07-01-2008, 03:25 PM
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Cool Wendy! So glad I wasn't the only one wondering
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