He's gonna screw it up
A Brand New Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
He's gonna screw it up
OK so I gave my fiancee a chance to work his last month, get a check and then come down and help me get a new place. I interviewed for a rent house and told them we were expecting a baby soon and that he would have to pre interview over the phone and then when he came down they could meet him. Well he almost screwed up the phone interview by being indecisive and wishy washy with his answers and couldn't give her a straight answer on what he would be doing for employment or whether we were going to move to that city vs his home town. He knew that I was in the hot sun for 2 weeks looking for places because of his bad credit it was the only place left and he almost screwed it up! Now she finally called back and told me about his interview and how she had to stand up for me and tell him to be straight with her and tell her if he was coming to interview or not. I told her I would get him down here asap to interview. Well when I called him he was defensive because he acted like she was making all that up and that he wasn't sure if he was coming down till tommorow or the next day. It is the end of the month and he should have gone to the accounting dept this morning and closed out his month. It seems like he is looking for an excuse to stay out there a free night and party. I am about to go into labor and he will be spending the night at a cheap motel doing whatever he wants. Why is he stalling? Help!
The rent house is near my family and I think that he wanted to isolate me closer to his where he knew there was no extended family that could flock to my rescue. My family has already been judged by him over any little thing they do to make it look like he will come and rescue me. I just don't get this.
The rent house is near my family and I think that he wanted to isolate me closer to his where he knew there was no extended family that could flock to my rescue. My family has already been judged by him over any little thing they do to make it look like he will come and rescue me. I just don't get this.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Sadly he is doing what addicts do. The fact that you are relying on him, that you are going to have a baby...none of it matters if the drug is calling.
Your posts have all been about how much he lies, tries to distance you from others and cut off ties, and how he can not be relied on...Is there a reason you want to move in with him again? It's tiring although a wonder and a miracle to care for a newborn. Do you need the added stress of him not having money to support all of you, not helping, and maybe loosing another place? Is there somewhere else you can stay to get away from the drama and focus on you and the baby? Hugs
Your posts have all been about how much he lies, tries to distance you from others and cut off ties, and how he can not be relied on...Is there a reason you want to move in with him again? It's tiring although a wonder and a miracle to care for a newborn. Do you need the added stress of him not having money to support all of you, not helping, and maybe loosing another place? Is there somewhere else you can stay to get away from the drama and focus on you and the baby? Hugs
A Brand New Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
I am at my moms now and he is about to go back to his hometown to try and find us a place, but i am scared to go there with him and his parents don't think it is a good idea either. They want us close to my family so I can be near support.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
You must think of yourself and the baby to be.
I don't think he can be trusted to keep his word
and in your heart you know it too.
It's a big mess and not your fault.
I don't think he can be trusted to keep his word
and in your heart you know it too.
It's a big mess and not your fault.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
You and the baby is what is important right now. It does not sound like he is ready to take responsibility. Do you really want to become dependent upon someone who can't be relied on? Do what is best for you and the baby.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Unfortunately, he sound just like I did when I was not ready to quit using....I'd tell whoever just enough of what they wanted to hear to get them off my back, but not really commit to anything.
PLEASE focus on you and the baby. You can't even depend on him now, and it doesn't look like he wants to change. You and your baby deserve so much more.
Another thing...if even his parents think you should stay close to your family, take it very seriously. My XABF's family told me to get away from him because he was no good for me...even his mom. I wish I would have listened to them a lot sooner. People always told me "when his FAMILY points you in a direction away from him...you'd better listen". It was hard to believe his family cared more about what happened to me than he did, but it was also nice because his mom was very supportive of me until she died last year.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
PLEASE focus on you and the baby. You can't even depend on him now, and it doesn't look like he wants to change. You and your baby deserve so much more.
Another thing...if even his parents think you should stay close to your family, take it very seriously. My XABF's family told me to get away from him because he was no good for me...even his mom. I wish I would have listened to them a lot sooner. People always told me "when his FAMILY points you in a direction away from him...you'd better listen". It was hard to believe his family cared more about what happened to me than he did, but it was also nice because his mom was very supportive of me until she died last year.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: punta gorda florida
Posts: 381
Please...don't allow an addict pull you into his world..you are going to have a baby...Its not about him...I don't know your parents but being a parent with a pregnant daughter that is involved with an addict...I know that part of it...trust your instincts...for yourself and the baby...parents can be annoying but they always have your best interests at heart...maybe being closer to them will allow you to go to school so you can support yourself and the baby...parents love to take care of their grand children...do you trust an addict to do this? Don't close your mind and please think this through...you don't have to be a victim...Marian
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
First off if you are NOT ready to walk away then please at least be firm in that you must live near your family.
I don't know how anyone can live with a full blown addict, I know I couldn't. My 1st husband was a compulsive gambler, addiction is addiction. I tried for 10yrs before ending it & then 2 little boys were left without their dad & my older son was already 9 & knew him. I pray you will keep focused on yourself & your new baby. They don't stay babies long & your child does not need a mom who is always crying & upset. It scares them very much. Even my 3 yr old grandson gets upset if I'm not smiling & says Are you happy, if I say no he gets upset.
Remember your HP is your best friend, make HIm 1st in your life & things work out.
I don't know how anyone can live with a full blown addict, I know I couldn't. My 1st husband was a compulsive gambler, addiction is addiction. I tried for 10yrs before ending it & then 2 little boys were left without their dad & my older son was already 9 & knew him. I pray you will keep focused on yourself & your new baby. They don't stay babies long & your child does not need a mom who is always crying & upset. It scares them very much. Even my 3 yr old grandson gets upset if I'm not smiling & says Are you happy, if I say no he gets upset.
Remember your HP is your best friend, make HIm 1st in your life & things work out.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Sounds like his parents and your family have your best interests at heart. Please rely on them and their wise advise right now.
Ami. Seriously. More important than your love for your fiance, is the well being of your infant child. Once that baby is born, she will be everything to you. You are responsible to her. Not to your fiance. I know you want things to work out. And maybe they will. But focus on what is happening right now today. Things may change in the future. But if you live in the now, you will be much more prepared for whatever your fiance chooses to do in the future. Even if that choice is drugs.
Ask yourself, Is this a WISE decision for my baby?? Well is it? Do you think moving in and relying on an active drug addict who hems and haws and can't be reliable is a wise decision for you and your baby?
I had to reach a point of acceptance that my sons father could not help me with our baby because he was too sick with the disease of addiction. But once I got to that point, my life got so much easier. It was like I only had one baby to take care of (instead of an adult baby - my sons father).
To be honest Ami, I'm worried about you and your baby. How are things going in your pregnancy? Does your doctor know how much stress you are under?
Ami. Seriously. More important than your love for your fiance, is the well being of your infant child. Once that baby is born, she will be everything to you. You are responsible to her. Not to your fiance. I know you want things to work out. And maybe they will. But focus on what is happening right now today. Things may change in the future. But if you live in the now, you will be much more prepared for whatever your fiance chooses to do in the future. Even if that choice is drugs.
Ask yourself, Is this a WISE decision for my baby?? Well is it? Do you think moving in and relying on an active drug addict who hems and haws and can't be reliable is a wise decision for you and your baby?
I had to reach a point of acceptance that my sons father could not help me with our baby because he was too sick with the disease of addiction. But once I got to that point, my life got so much easier. It was like I only had one baby to take care of (instead of an adult baby - my sons father).
To be honest Ami, I'm worried about you and your baby. How are things going in your pregnancy? Does your doctor know how much stress you are under?
A Brand New Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
No my Doctor has no clue because I am due any day now and just started seeing him last week. But the good news is she is 8lbs and will gain a little more until she is born, the nurse says everything looks healthy. My blood pressure is a little crappy but I am working on that. He dissapeared tonight (AF) and I am assuming this was the one big party before coming down to see me have the baby. He has never been completely out of touch even text wise and I am freaked. I have been talking to mom and she believes I need to focus on baby too. It is just so frustrating to be in this situation knowing his addiction cost all the money that we needed for baby expenses, housing and even groceries that were neglected in the past. I know what I need to do but it is so damn hard to do it....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Ami)))
Yes it is hard, but you can do it. I'm hoping that once the baby comes, you will realize that you are really all she has, right now, because he isn't being dependable at all.
I don't have any kids, but I have a niece, who my dad/stepmom are raising because her mom died in a car wreck. I've been there for her since day 1, except when I was using and I regret that. I can tolerate much more "abuse" to myself...verbal, emotional, financial (but I'm getting better at NOT tolerating it), but mess my my niece, Brit, and I will come at you like a raging bull.
I know you want things to work out, but he isn't putting in much of an effort toward anything, but getting high. I used to work in a neonatal ICU. One night, I watched the "dad" out in the parking lot, get high, while his girlfriend delivered their critically ill baby (who did fine, by the way). I've heard of mom's here that wished the dad wasn't there for the delivery, because he was high or angry that he had to be there and couldn't be getting high.
I'm not saying this is going to happen, but you might as well prepare for the possibility. You're due any day, and he's disappeared again.
I hope you can focus on you and the baby more. Please keep us posted...we care, and we will be right with you in the delivery room...well, not in person, but you know what I mean
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Yes it is hard, but you can do it. I'm hoping that once the baby comes, you will realize that you are really all she has, right now, because he isn't being dependable at all.
I don't have any kids, but I have a niece, who my dad/stepmom are raising because her mom died in a car wreck. I've been there for her since day 1, except when I was using and I regret that. I can tolerate much more "abuse" to myself...verbal, emotional, financial (but I'm getting better at NOT tolerating it), but mess my my niece, Brit, and I will come at you like a raging bull.
I know you want things to work out, but he isn't putting in much of an effort toward anything, but getting high. I used to work in a neonatal ICU. One night, I watched the "dad" out in the parking lot, get high, while his girlfriend delivered their critically ill baby (who did fine, by the way). I've heard of mom's here that wished the dad wasn't there for the delivery, because he was high or angry that he had to be there and couldn't be getting high.
I'm not saying this is going to happen, but you might as well prepare for the possibility. You're due any day, and he's disappeared again.
I hope you can focus on you and the baby more. Please keep us posted...we care, and we will be right with you in the delivery room...well, not in person, but you know what I mean
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Ohio
Posts: 233
Your baby don't deserve this and neither do you. I believe it is especially hard when you are pregnant. Think of what you would tell a friend in this situation. It is so much clearer when you look from the outside. From here I just wonder why you would let someone that is an addict treat you like this...but as I said its different looking from the outside. It sounds like you have a family that loves you and will be there for you, they are the ones you and that baby can depend on.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I wish that we could all swoop you up and help you as you go into labor. At this stage of the game it would be difficult to make any big changes. Trust all of us who say that RELIABLE help is imperative in the first few weeks after you have a baby. If he wants to try and do the right thing then great - let him prove it while you remain in a place that is safe and reliable for you. If he is sincere then he will do it. Being out of touch is not a good sign that he can be relied upon.
I know that all of this reality is totally different from the dreams that live within you. Try to focus on the reality and don't be misled by your hopes and dreams. It is different when you have another young life to consider. No longer do you have the luxury of taking risks and hoping for the best.
All my life I've sought support from the very people that can't give it and walked away from where it really was...it's hard to overcome that tendency but it can be done. It's an illusion that we want to believe. The hard fact is that someone that is in active addiction or even early recovery is just not together enough to concentrate on another person.
Please keep posting and letting us know how you are.
Hugs
I know that all of this reality is totally different from the dreams that live within you. Try to focus on the reality and don't be misled by your hopes and dreams. It is different when you have another young life to consider. No longer do you have the luxury of taking risks and hoping for the best.
All my life I've sought support from the very people that can't give it and walked away from where it really was...it's hard to overcome that tendency but it can be done. It's an illusion that we want to believe. The hard fact is that someone that is in active addiction or even early recovery is just not together enough to concentrate on another person.
Please keep posting and letting us know how you are.
Hugs
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