My son is in rehab and I still can't get any peace

Old 06-30-2008, 09:08 AM
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My son is in rehab and I still can't get any peace

My son is in rehab and is in the 3rd week of a six week program. He has been in and out of rehab for the majority of the last year. On Friday I received a call from the counselor at the rehab facility that said my son is just coasting through the program. He said he was going to tell my son to either get with the program or leave today. He asked that I back him and tell him that he cannot return home if he doesn't finish the program. I expected him to say he would finish out the program doing only what was necessary to be allowed to stay. He called this morning and said he wants to leave. I told him that I would not let him return home. He keeps asking what is two more weeks going to do. He is right that two more weeks will do nothing because he has already made up his mind to get home to do more drugs. It is breaking my heart to think of him at the airport tonight looking for a ride. I tried to explain to him that he was only thinking of getting high tonight but to try to look at tomorrow morning and realize how much trouble he will be in. He has legal programs galore and I will not let him return home. He has progressed so far into this disease that he cannot think past tonight. I don't know if I'm making the right choice to cut ties with him now. I am heartbroken and worried to my core. I can't keep my mind on my word or anything else. I'm afraid his bottom will be death as he has overdosed several times. I couldn't live with myself if I put him out and he overdoses. I truly cannot believe he is choosing to come home to absolutely nothing. Please give me ideas and or strength.
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Old 06-30-2008, 09:25 AM
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Prayers for both of you today.
Just keep praying and ask God to take your son from you right now. Sometimes when I am worried and feeling helpless and unsure of what to do or how to react to my son, or when he is making decisions that will harm him and wouldn't listen to me anyway, I give him to God.
I ask God to take my son and his worries away from me and ask God to walk with him. I picture God walking by my son even as he makes bad decisions then at least I know something GOOD is with him since I can't be.
I understand the worry even as you know there is nothing you can do.:praying
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Old 06-30-2008, 09:46 AM
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(((bren)))
Boy do I understand that worry and my heart hurts for you.

I know this is a tough decision, but I do believe that if our kids are going to do something as terrible as OD, they will whether they are staying with us or not. T
They will use if they want to regardless too. The difference is having a front row seat, or leaving it up to he and his HP.
I try hard everyday to leave it to them, sometimes I'm able, sometimes I'm not.
Prayers for peace and clarity
((((Hugs))))
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Old 06-30-2008, 09:55 AM
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I have to agree with Cece (the one right above me). If he's going to OD, he'll do it anywhere. In fact, would it not be harder to deal with if he did it while AT your house?

I think you're doing the right thing. I cannot tell you how many times I've wished my parents would have let my sister suffer her own consequences. She lives with them to this day... and it is helping no one. It has only made it easier for her to steal from them before her trips to the pawn shop.
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Old 06-30-2008, 10:25 AM
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prayers for you, I understand the pain.
susan
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Old 06-30-2008, 10:27 AM
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I know how difficult your decisions are. I let my son come home early from program ( the same saying "whats two more weeks". What I have learned from his behaviour if he really wanted to participate in the program and get clean then he would have stayed. The last time he left we closed the door on him the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. The truth is as parents we all fear death. What I ask myself now if I allow him in my home as an active user and he OD'S I would never forgive myself, If He dies elsewhere I would feel terrible. Remember you can not control this, it is way beyond our control. There isnt a day that goes by I have to remind myself that his HP will guide him. He still calls to let me know he is okay. I wish there was magical answers to all of this, but it soley up to them. Prayers to you and your son.
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Old 06-30-2008, 01:08 PM
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I truly feel for you & can relate to what your going through. My AS will be 42 in Sept & we are traveling the same road to no where again & again cuz my parents kept enabling him. They say they have stopped now but my AS keeps bothering them and I pray to my HP they don't give in. Helping an addict never does any good. Unless your son & my son make a conscious decision to get well it ain't happening.
Stay strong that really is the only answer.
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Old 06-30-2008, 01:21 PM
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Bren have faith! Do NOT let him come home.

My parents finally put their feet down when I was 33 1/2 years old and said NO MORE and they meant it. When I called on the phone (there was no caller ID back then) they hung up and if I came to the door it was closed in my face.

It took me another 2 1/2 years to find recovery and the last 1 1/2 years I lived on the streets of Hollyweird. It was the right thing to do. If they had continued to 'rescue' me I don't believe I would have found recovery. That was over 27 years ago, and in the ensuing years I have worked with many that were like me, their family and friends FINALLY SAID NO MORE.

Have you tried Alanon for you yet? It really is a great program!

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much!

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-30-2008, 02:03 PM
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I am so there, sister!

I have not posted for a while but your post hit me in the heart! I am trying to make the same decision right now with my son. He has been in and out of rehab for the past 4 years. He moved out in may but is having trouble making it financially. He want to move home with me, but I don't want it. I will prayer for you right now....No one knows how hard this is except someone who has done it. the people on this forum are the best...I trust them more than many counselors. Hang in there.
krhea
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Old 06-30-2008, 03:30 PM
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my son is in rehab and I still can't get any peace

His flight arrives at 8:45 this evening. He called me from the airport and said Mom I don't have anywhere to go. I told him that he made a huge mistake today and that I cannot walk up and down the hallway wondering if he is dead behind that door. It was tormenting me and becoming an obsession. His dad is picking him up from the airport and will bring him to my house to get his car. I'll be home about 10:30 from my second job and I know he will still be there pretending to get his stuff together. That is when I will have a hard time seeing him and making him leave. My extra added layer of guilt lies in the fact that we have made so many idle threats and I know he didn't believe that he would have nowhere to go when he arrived home. I also fear that he has so many problems, legal and otherwise, that if he thinks I am abandoning him, it will push him over the edge. I know have to start somewhere but this is so hard.
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Old 06-30-2008, 03:33 PM
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Is there any way you can just let your husband deal with this tonight (i.e., don't go home until he's gone)? I think you have that right, if your husband is up to the task. Maybe it would be okay for you to ask this favor of your husband, and your HP? You don't have to put yourself "to the test" this final time, particularly if you are worried that YOU will RELAPSE and allow him to stay. I would totally ask this favor of someone, to help me maintain MY serenity and determination. I know the codie in me hates to ask for help, but the rational, learned me knows that sometimes it is the right thing to do.
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Old 06-30-2008, 03:50 PM
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His father and I are divorced so he will drop him off and get out of there as quickly as possible. I'm thinking about staying away until later but I am exhausted. My alarm goes off everyday at 5:30 and I have to be at my first job at 7:00 a.m, straight to my second job (which is only every other night) where I will get off at 10:00 and back up at 5:30 in the morning. I'm truly exhausted and the added stress today is making it so much work. I don't do physical work and I think sitting at these desks thinking all day is only making matters worse.
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Old 06-30-2008, 03:57 PM
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bren,
My heart hurts for you, I know how this tears at you and eats you up.

It seems as if your son is just not at his bottom now, and if you rescue him, and let him come home, it will just prolong his journey. (At least that's my honest opinion..)


I have been where you are, even dropped my son off at the homeless shelter, it sure wasn't pretty, let me tell you. Unfortunately, you know, and I know, they have to do this for themselves. Turn it over to your H.P. and let him lead your son.


Hugs,
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Old 06-30-2008, 04:17 PM
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Bren my heart is breaking for you. You are doing the right thing, my mum put her foot down, it was the right thing. I do not believe I would have gotten sober otherwise.

I will keep you and your son in thoughts and prayers

Mary
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Old 06-30-2008, 04:31 PM
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well I'm going to tell you the way I was thinking when my son was using. THIS IS ONLY WHAT MY THINKING WAS AND BY NO MEANS ADVICE.
If I didn't allow my son to live with me when he was using he absolutely would be dead right now because the two times he overdosed he did it at home and I found him before he died. The one time I had to perform CPR until the paramedics got there. I chose the front row seat because I knew if he OD'd after I kicked him out I wouldn't be able to live with myself. He is 6 months clean and sober and going to meetings at least 3 times a week. I won't say it was because of me but he says I helped him to stay high (I was his enabler) and I helped him to get sober (go figure) I didn't have a rebelious son he always did whatever I asked of him so I don't know if that makes a difference.
anyway thats my story

good luck
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Old 06-30-2008, 05:17 PM
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Thank you for all of your wonderful advice. Everyone here is so helpful. Just knowing others have travelled this road makes me feel like someone truly understands. Unfortunately whatever decision we make we have to follow through on that alone. I hope I can find the strength.
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Old 06-30-2008, 06:48 PM
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Look in the phone book.

Get the address of The Salvation Army and The Rescue Mission.

Write those on a piece of paper.

When you get home, if he is still there, give him the paper, say I love you, and goodnight.

Go in the house and lock the door and go to bed.

Yes it is hard, Know that our prayers are with you.

Better yet:

Salvation Army
3949 Forest Park Ave
St Louis, MO 63108
(314) 535-0057

Haven of Grace
1225 Warren St, St Louis - (314) 621-6507

St. Louis ACCESS
1430 Olive
St.Louis, MO 63103
Phone: (314)877-1723
FAX: (314)877-1709

Sunshine Mission
1520 N. 13th Street
St. Louis, MO 63106
Phone: (314)231-8209
FAX: (314)231-9617

There that should help you with your resolve.

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-01-2008, 12:18 AM
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I really feel your pain and suffering. It's just aweful what we must endure when it comes to our addict kids. But your son made choices here. He chose to leave a safe, recovery location, against medical advice. He made this choice with no $ and no plan for how to live. If you rescue him now, he will learn nothing. Allow him to learn that actions and choices have consequences. Basically, I think you'll be a worried, hurting, stressed out mom-of-an-addict either way - so do what's REALLY best for both of you and let him take responsibility for his actions this time. then pray and (try to) trust.
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Old 07-01-2008, 05:15 AM
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Well I was wrong about him hanging around to wait for me last night. I guess the pull of the drugs was just too much. I'm sure he already has his contact set up. My husband said he walked in the door, got his car keys, his stimulous check and walked out without saying anything. He has a $600 check, $100 left from the money his dad sent him in rehab last week, and he will pawn his laptop for $100 in a day or two. I guess he will stay at a hotel for a couple of days and spend the rest of the money on drugs. I don't know what he could possibly be planning after this runs out. I slept OK and the woke this morning and started to hit the snooze button when I remembered that he was in town. I got up to another stressful day.
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Old 07-01-2008, 05:20 AM
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Bren,

It sounds like your HP was watching over you last night to protect you from a big drama that you just don't need. With your work schedule (what a woman, by the way!) you need to keep the drama at bay as much as possible. Coming here to vent your fears and worries is a very positive step, just like as if you were going to an alanon meeting (which it sounds like your schedule doesn't have time for right now!). I'm sending prayers to you to have a busy but drama-free day today, sweetie. Try to think of what YOU are going to do for YOU after you get off work today, and let your son's HP watch over him. I've read how many here picture their child in his HP's loving hands to stop the anxious thoughts and get their focus and energy back to themselves where it really does the most good. Try to have a great day, Bren.
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