Wanting to Call Mom...

Old 06-30-2008, 08:18 AM
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Wanting to Call Mom...

Even through all of the crap my sister's addiction has put us through, and regardless of how much I come on here and vent about how upset I am with her state or mind, my mom and I have been very close, especially since I moved out of their house five years ago. I do realize, however, that a good two years of this was moreso both of us being addicted to my sister's problems than a healthy mother-daughter relationship.

Up until recently, we would talk every single day, usually while I was on my way home from work. Well, when we had that little fallout occur last week, something happened. I don't know what. But I still feel like I'm losing that bond that I had with her. We haven't really talked since my response to her email, in which I basically told her that I love my sister and want what's best for her, but that I also have to step aside and protect myself from the path of destruction she has caused. Apparently this did not go over too well, as I never got a response back, or even so much as a phone call. And I'm sure she told my dad what I said, which probably hurt him. And I hate feeling like I've hurt anyone, but especially my parents.

I want to call her, but a part of me is convinced that she'll just find a way to try to guilt me back into enabling her codependancy. Not that it would work, as I've grown somewhat accustomed to letting it go in one ear and out the other. But she gets upset with me when I don't feed into her ways of thinking, and I really don't want to get into that again. I couldn't handle it right now. But then again, this is my mom I'm talking about. So, I don't know what to do.
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Old 06-30-2008, 08:39 AM
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Years ago I realized that my relationship with my mother was all about being co-dependent with whatever she was working on. If I wanted to just be with her and do normal things it always revolved around her "project".

As I got o lder I started trying to "help" her to stop doing this as I beleived she would be happier. Guess what she likes this life apparently. And then she would get angry at me.

And as far as my dad goes, he tried to help her too and he became her enemy so to speak. He is old now and just stays out of her way. At 76 she still has a project. The thing that is confusing is that they talk like they want the situation to be different while all the time feeding the monster of a victim they are co-dependent with.

I had to step back, and like you she pulled away. It's rough because you see her taking care of others and you just want a mommie some times to hold your head. My husband pointed out to me in order to have her care I have to become one of her weak projects.

That I could not do. So she never calls me, I see her when I visit there home, where she has my 43 sis and teenage son living on disability.
There is so much crazy stuf going on it will make your head spin. But no one says anyting to her anymore, not worth your breath.
This sister did drugs back in her 20's and it scared my mother, which I understand, my daughter is an addict.

Okay thats the story, now here is some gentle advice, take it or leave it.

You will have to become your own parent. I believe there is even a bookout there by that name. Because if you keep trying to have a "normal" relationship with her you will have to play the co-dependent game with her.
I am not sure of your age but if you are young this hurts alot and I can see why you keep trying.

It is sad as it feels like a great loss. It would have been nice to have amother come help me with my babies or stay with me at the hospital when i had surgery, etc. She always manages to be there for the ones who "need" her.

There are alot of "mommies" on here and you can talk to us anytime. Not the same I realize, but it's nice to be listened to and have someone care.

:ghug3
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Old 06-30-2008, 08:43 AM
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Originally Posted by ladyamalthea View Post
Apparently this did not go over too well, as I never got a response back, or even so much as a phone call.
If your goal was to stop conversations about your sister then it sounds like you got what you wanted. Your mom may not know any other way to communicate with you at this point. Give her some time because she's been doing this for a while, right? While you're waiting for her to switch gears, maybe you can try sending emails with the things you want to talk about. She might need a little help with direction.
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Old 06-30-2008, 09:47 AM
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Thanks so much. You guys both made so much sense!

Lynette, I'm 25, and yes, it hurts a lot to think that I may have to "be my own parent." I'm so glad that you can relate to what I'm talking about here, though... thinking back, it becomes clear now that you're right. She's always had a "project," whether it was my first bout with depression when I was 12, trying to force me to continue figure skating when I was 16 and wanted desperately to live a "normal teenage" life, or using my wedding as a distractor from my sister's habits. The only way I do get maternal attention from her is to have something to "fix." And I don't want that.

I'm also glad that you said that this feeling can hurt like a loss. I've been grieving a lot over the past few years. I've experienced what I can only compare to the feeling of the death of each of these people many times over, and it actually at least feels good to have someone else compare it that way. I've always felt like it made me a bit of a nut that I thought about it that way.

Chino, thanks for your response as well. You have an interesting point too about her not knowing how else to communicate with me. I guess I could try emailling her.
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Old 06-30-2008, 08:45 PM
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Sometimes I have to let go of expectations in order to feel healthy in a relationship with a nonaddict too. It stinks that you may have to let go of the idea that your mom and you can have a close relationship while she is busy fixing your sister, but perhaps that may help to maintain some relationship. I'm not sure...I think only you can know what helps you not to hurt so much. I'm sorry Lynette had to expereince this pain too, but glad that she is here to share her experience with you.

Sending a few more hugs from another mom.
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Old 06-30-2008, 11:06 PM
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I have been thru something similar with my mom. We have had several disagreements over the years concerning my 3 addicted siblings. I have gone several long periods of time of not talking to her at all. Alas I decided that I wanted a relationship with her and that I would have to keep to my own personal boundaries in order to keep from going crazy when I did relate to her.

Finally I accepted that she is going to do what she wants to do regarding my siblings. Guess what just recently it all came to a head for her and I was able to be there for her. I never thought I would see the day when she would become totally fed up with them but she did. I am very thankful that we have a relationship cause I really do love her.

You can come to terms with your mom. Stick to your boundaries with her and do things with her that bring you joy and things will get better between you.
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Old 07-01-2008, 05:13 AM
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The thing that popped out at me with your post, Almathea, is that YOU have decided to make some changes (there's where the thing "Nothing changes if nothing changes" popped out!) and that is a VERY POWERFUL move on your part. I am rooting for you 100% in deciding to take charge of your life, to own your feelings, and to protect your own serenity. Very powerful stuff for a 25 year old. Good for you, sweetie! Keep it up. Be patient, but be determined. You possibly could be the catalyst for change that your mother needs. You definitely are doing yourself a tremendous service and I just wanted to point that out.
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Old 07-01-2008, 05:20 AM
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Thanks Peaceteach! I needed that!

Splendra, I am so sorry you had this situation threefold. It's hard enough with one addict sister, I couldn't begin to imagine with three siblings. Thank you for giving me some hope that this can, eventually, improve.

Greeteachday, you always have such soothing words. Thank you for that. And thank you for those mom hugs
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Old 07-01-2008, 05:41 AM
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Lady,
Is it possible your mom doesn't understand what harm she is doing because...I know all I kept telling my self the last two years was I can't shut the door and put her in the street so she can get raped. That was my BIGGEST worry. People said you have to let them fall down and I guess I just ignored all that Until I came here. It wasn't until I read some of the stickies and a lot of the posts that I realized how much harm I was doing thinking I was a loving mom.
Now that may sound lame but honestly SR was the biggest eye opener for me. I am one of those people that go with the experience people and you can't get any closer to addicts then here,They lived it are living it. Some have recovered and some have relapsed BUT they are all trying and fighting for their goals.
Maybe if you sent some emails to your mom from here about Codie, about what she is doing. Not sure if you tried that yet. That sticky "What Addicts Do" was my first real eye opener. I read that to my AD daughter crying and when I was done she said That is true, so true. Confirmation from her mouth was enough.
I didn't mean to go on and on just some moms don't get it like I didn't and the longer we play the worse it gets. I hope this may help you or your mom.
And you know what, it may take time for her to budge a little, maybe she is stubborn but know you did what you could.When she finally talks to you it may be a Good thing.:codiepolice Hugs to you for trying, she loves you
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Old 07-01-2008, 06:21 PM
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I understand completely. My brother is a recovering addict. I have often gotten into fights with my mom about wanting to keep my distance and protect myself from his path of destruction. It was extremely difficult to make her understand that I did not hate him, that I loved him deeply but I could not bear the pain he brought into my life and because of this I had to keep my distance and needed to stop "becoming addicted to HIS problems". You have to understand that she is her Mother too. She is still willing to take all of your sisters pain because she is her mother. It helped when my mom actually started to see a therapist about my brother and the best way to seperate herself. I went to a session with her and it really helped her understand my point of view. Yes we still disagree about how best to handle his situations but at least know we are open about it and our opinions aren't held against each other.

*Never feel bad about telling your parents that you need to protect your life/feelings from your sisters behavior. That is your right. You deserve to find peace in your life.

I hope you find peace. I'm still seaching.
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