I did it - He's GONE...but I'm devastated...
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
I did it - He's GONE...but I'm devastated...
I don't know if anyone remembers me - I've only posted a few times. However, I need all the good karma/thoughts/prayers everyone could muster.
He's been gone since Friday and we've barely spoke since then. He went on a path of self destruction (from what I hear) and I'm totally devastated. I KNOW I am doing the right thing but my heart is broke...actually it's ripped to shreds. I can't eat, I can't sleep and I just want to curl up in the fetal position and cry. I'm at work today so I'm fighting the tears.
God help me.
He's been gone since Friday and we've barely spoke since then. He went on a path of self destruction (from what I hear) and I'm totally devastated. I KNOW I am doing the right thing but my heart is broke...actually it's ripped to shreds. I can't eat, I can't sleep and I just want to curl up in the fetal position and cry. I'm at work today so I'm fighting the tears.
God help me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hang in there, sweetie. Remember the 3 C's and that his downfall has nothing to do with you. It's just HIS. You take care of YOU now. How about trying to get your focus off him and plan a few things for yourself after work? Sending hugs and prayers 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Washington State
Posts: 51
We know, understand and you are not alone
Please know that I have been where you are, as many of us have. I think it's harder when we make the brave decision to care for ourselves because it feels foreign and wrong to us. When I was crying, screaming, and not sleeping my therapist said that was a good sign because before I wasn't feeling anything. I was walking around in coma - barely coping. I tried to remember that in my fits of tears and somehow on some small scale it helped to know that getting it out was helpful. When I was suffering I know that reading Melody Beatties books were so helpful and reading the stickys on this website were a God send. Meetings can also help if you feel like you can get yourself out the door, I couldn't for awhile.
I slowly minute by minute would enjoy the peace and quiet, then slowly would do something I enjoyed. One day at a time and it's taken months but it has been so worth it not to slip back into that life. Please read other threads here and know we care about you and know what you are feeling
I slowly minute by minute would enjoy the peace and quiet, then slowly would do something I enjoyed. One day at a time and it's taken months but it has been so worth it not to slip back into that life. Please read other threads here and know we care about you and know what you are feeling
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Of course I remember you!
I am glad to hear you have taken such a difficult step forward for you. It is hard, I know from my experience, you are grieving a loss, not just of the relationship, but of a chapter in your life that you had invested your hopes and dreams in, that didn't come to fruition. Know and tell yourself again and again, this too shall pass.
Keep playing your tape all the way through, remember what brought you to here, why you have made this step. The pain you feel now is temporary, the pain you would be feeling if you stayed would be continuous. He is now left to his own devices, his own consequences with no one to soften the blow. Hopefully he will feel it and find recovery, but this is his choice. Keep moving forward in your own recovery and keep the focus on yourself.
Keep your chin up, I cried at work alot!! We are only human after all and it is hard, a process. So go the bathroom with your make up and have a little cry if you need it! Folks around you will be supportive.
Do something special for YOU tonight, have a bubble bath, eat pizza and chocolate, watch your favourite film - whatever makes you feel good.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I am glad to hear you have taken such a difficult step forward for you. It is hard, I know from my experience, you are grieving a loss, not just of the relationship, but of a chapter in your life that you had invested your hopes and dreams in, that didn't come to fruition. Know and tell yourself again and again, this too shall pass.
Keep playing your tape all the way through, remember what brought you to here, why you have made this step. The pain you feel now is temporary, the pain you would be feeling if you stayed would be continuous. He is now left to his own devices, his own consequences with no one to soften the blow. Hopefully he will feel it and find recovery, but this is his choice. Keep moving forward in your own recovery and keep the focus on yourself.
Keep your chin up, I cried at work alot!! We are only human after all and it is hard, a process. So go the bathroom with your make up and have a little cry if you need it! Folks around you will be supportive.
Do something special for YOU tonight, have a bubble bath, eat pizza and chocolate, watch your favourite film - whatever makes you feel good.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
I am so sorry for what you are feeling. I just went through something similar and I know how badly I felt. For me it came and went in waves so it helped me to know that the bad feelings will pass, I also had the lovely codependent trait of pretending nothing was wrong and ignoring the feelings. Problem was my physical body did not follow my mind so I didn't feel well (headaches, back problems, tension) and now that I look back on it the crippling depression was trying to tell me something.
When I was going through the worst of it, if I needed to cry, I did and I let it rip and I felt better. I started going to alanon which helped TREMENDOUSLY. It took awhile to sink in and I felt really awkward at first but now, 8 months later, I feel surrounded by loving and caring friends that actually listen and care for me. I also see a counselor and that is helpful too. I am now taking care of myself and look for the good in each day and actually say a prayer of thanks.
Hugs to you during this hard time. Keep posting too because this site is a wonderful support for all of us. :ghug
When I was going through the worst of it, if I needed to cry, I did and I let it rip and I felt better. I started going to alanon which helped TREMENDOUSLY. It took awhile to sink in and I felt really awkward at first but now, 8 months later, I feel surrounded by loving and caring friends that actually listen and care for me. I also see a counselor and that is helpful too. I am now taking care of myself and look for the good in each day and actually say a prayer of thanks.
Hugs to you during this hard time. Keep posting too because this site is a wonderful support for all of us. :ghug
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
I'm trying SO hard to remember all of the bad stuff that's happened in the past. He has lied to me so many times that I don't even trust my gut anymore. I realized that the last couple of weeks that even though things seem to be going well - I still had that empty hole in my chest and stomach. Mostly because I'm always "waiting" on what his next binge or bad choice will be. It's a miserable life to say the least. I'm tired...just plain tired. Tired of walking on eggshells, tired of monitoring my words b/c he might start an arguement, tired of repeating the same things to him that I've told him before but he was too buzzed to remember, tired of waiting on the drug binges to start back up b/c he's too drunk too early in the day and needs a pick me up, tired of the lies, the outright, bold faced lies that were happening more and more. And ya know - reading back over that - I think Gosh why I am hurting so much? I deserve more than that.
I think when he met me he really thought he could "change" and be a better person. However, I think he's seen that it's not going to work with him still drinking/drugging and me still bitching/nagging about it. I think he has felt "trapped" for quite sometime now and was just doing what he felt he could do to get by in our relationship. He would have stayed like this forever if I would have just been complacent and let him do his drinking without calling attention to it. Who lives like that?
I sure with I could fast forward time and get thru this pain and agony. It hurts like the devil to walk away from someone you love that isn't ready or willing to help themselves.
One more thing - I'm sorry...so sorry for everyone here that is dealing with an alcoholic. It is a sad, sad existence for all involved.
I think when he met me he really thought he could "change" and be a better person. However, I think he's seen that it's not going to work with him still drinking/drugging and me still bitching/nagging about it. I think he has felt "trapped" for quite sometime now and was just doing what he felt he could do to get by in our relationship. He would have stayed like this forever if I would have just been complacent and let him do his drinking without calling attention to it. Who lives like that?
I sure with I could fast forward time and get thru this pain and agony. It hurts like the devil to walk away from someone you love that isn't ready or willing to help themselves.
One more thing - I'm sorry...so sorry for everyone here that is dealing with an alcoholic. It is a sad, sad existence for all involved.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
I sure with I could fast forward time and get thru this pain and agony. It hurts like the devil to walk away from someone you love that isn't ready or willing to help themselves.
however IMHO once we do make it through the grief things become more clear. Right now it is hard because we do not like to see those we lovehurt and feel so helpless-However we need to take care of our own well being!
As PeaceTeach stated above: Remember the three c's very helpful-
Allow yourself the time to cry and work through the pain-it is how we heal. This too shall pass and things will look up.
Breathe easy....and as Lily said-do things that you love to try to keep your mind off the pain-bubble bath, walk in the park, chocolate...whatever your favorite things are that make you feel good!
We are here for you! Hang in there -
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
Just wanted to tell you that it does get better. Allow your emotions to come through. it is healthier than holding them in. I felt like Chrysalis and didn't cry...just felt numb...and my body started experiencing my emotions for me. I was tired, sick, headaches, and a forever long menstrual cycle which really clued me in to how messed up I was really feeling.
But now that I'm about two months out of the drama, I feel so much better. It was/is so hard to get through those first few hours/days/weeks, but it gets easier each day that you are off the merry-go-round. Try to distance yourself from the stuff he is doing right now. Like PPs have said, the three Cs are very appropriate here. He's just expressing his emotions and it has nothing to do with you. After all, he can change if he wants to. And so can you. (((HUGS)))
But now that I'm about two months out of the drama, I feel so much better. It was/is so hard to get through those first few hours/days/weeks, but it gets easier each day that you are off the merry-go-round. Try to distance yourself from the stuff he is doing right now. Like PPs have said, the three Cs are very appropriate here. He's just expressing his emotions and it has nothing to do with you. After all, he can change if he wants to. And so can you. (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
You will heal and life will get better. Be patient with yourself. You are mourning a very real loss and that doesn't happen overnight. Heck, I've been gone a year and am now divorced. When I happen to hear how life id going for the xAH (not good at all) I still feel sadness and pain for him even though I know its all due to his choices and lack of action. Love take time to die all the way I think and may never.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
heya lovetolafff--
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
and prayers
:praying
for some peace of mind today....
it's is very hard to end a relationship....even one we know is unhealthy - even one we know that we simply MUST get out of if we want any kind of sane and wonderful life. Try to take it one day at a time...one minute at a time if you have to.
When your mind starts racing see if you can focus just on yourself, your breathing, and some little dream of your future - doesn't have to be the whole big picture, just some peaceful aspect of how you see your fufture oprning up.
There is no major change without pain. Trust the process of life. Be kind to yourself and know that you're not alone. I was an absolute zombie puddle when my exH and I split. But things naturally did get better slowly and I did survive (and my kids too!) and am so happy now!! Give it the time that it needs....
more (((((((((hugs))))))))))
Peace,
B.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
and prayers
:praying
for some peace of mind today....
it's is very hard to end a relationship....even one we know is unhealthy - even one we know that we simply MUST get out of if we want any kind of sane and wonderful life. Try to take it one day at a time...one minute at a time if you have to.
When your mind starts racing see if you can focus just on yourself, your breathing, and some little dream of your future - doesn't have to be the whole big picture, just some peaceful aspect of how you see your fufture oprning up.
There is no major change without pain. Trust the process of life. Be kind to yourself and know that you're not alone. I was an absolute zombie puddle when my exH and I split. But things naturally did get better slowly and I did survive (and my kids too!) and am so happy now!! Give it the time that it needs....
more (((((((((hugs))))))))))
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
There is no major change without pain. Trust the process of life.
I just love this, B! Very powerful and very true
Lovtolaff (if you say your name outloud, it sounds very American-Indian!) I agree with Bernadette so much on this, that pain is one of life's best teachers. Pain is so difficult to experience and walk through, but amazingly powerful and insightful once you get to the other side. And Barb, staying on that other side is definitely something we also fight for every day, much like the addict.
I just love this, B! Very powerful and very true
Lovtolaff (if you say your name outloud, it sounds very American-Indian!) I agree with Bernadette so much on this, that pain is one of life's best teachers. Pain is so difficult to experience and walk through, but amazingly powerful and insightful once you get to the other side. And Barb, staying on that other side is definitely something we also fight for every day, much like the addict.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
Originally Posted by lovtolaff 
I don't know if anyone remembers me - I've only posted a few times. However, I need all the good karma/thoughts/prayers everyone could muster.
He's been gone since Friday and we've barely spoke since then. He went on a path of self destruction (from what I hear) and I'm totally devastated. I KNOW I am doing the right thing but my heart is broke...actually it's ripped to shreds. I can't eat, I can't sleep and I just want to curl up in the fetal position and cry. I'm at work today so I'm fighting the tears.
God help me.
He's been gone since Friday and we've barely spoke since then. He went on a path of self destruction (from what I hear) and I'm totally devastated. I KNOW I am doing the right thing but my heart is broke...actually it's ripped to shreds. I can't eat, I can't sleep and I just want to curl up in the fetal position and cry. I'm at work today so I'm fighting the tears.
God help me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
I remember you Lov.
I remember asking you if your ex and mine were twins!!!
Ive been free now for 7 months, it takes time but wow it gets better. Ride the waves my friend you will go through so many emotions on the way, but you will get to happiness.
I wrote a journel about my experience, it helps to read back on what was. once the sad feelings crept in id have a good old cry and read my journel.
post here all you can, and read your old posts, you have grown Lovtolaff. Be strong.
Mair xx
I remember asking you if your ex and mine were twins!!!
Ive been free now for 7 months, it takes time but wow it gets better. Ride the waves my friend you will go through so many emotions on the way, but you will get to happiness.
I wrote a journel about my experience, it helps to read back on what was. once the sad feelings crept in id have a good old cry and read my journel.
post here all you can, and read your old posts, you have grown Lovtolaff. Be strong.
Mair xx
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
I feel your pain
Lovtolaff, I feel your pain. Truly I do. I asked my XABF to leave last Friday morning as well. He stuck around all weekend (sober of course) thinking I would change my mind, I guess. YEsterday he went to work and got his paycheck and has been drinking since then. He took our dog and I am more worried about her than I am him!
I have cried in waves too. I guess that is normal and this too shall pass. I know firsthand what you are going through and so do others on this forum who have had to do the same thing. It is not easy. Try to stay as busy as you can and not dwell on what could have been. My heart is aching too but remember that we have done all we could to to help them. It is up to them now.
Hugs and prayers to you
I have cried in waves too. I guess that is normal and this too shall pass. I know firsthand what you are going through and so do others on this forum who have had to do the same thing. It is not easy. Try to stay as busy as you can and not dwell on what could have been. My heart is aching too but remember that we have done all we could to to help them. It is up to them now.
Hugs and prayers to you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Lovtolaff - it will get better and you will be laughing again soon!
When I left the ex, it must be 2-3 months ago I was distraught. "Oh my god - I have abandonded him, what a horrible person I am, how can I do that, he needs me"
= codependent much?
Put yourself on a pedestal for once, think of you for once, he is a grown man. Its always hard to admit defeat and accept that all the effort we put into a relationship ended up fruitless. But life goes on. It really does.
Actually, the last couple of days I've been driving around in the nice weather with the sun on my face feeling so much more at peace with the world than I ever did when I was wrapped up in worrying about him.
When I left the ex, it must be 2-3 months ago I was distraught. "Oh my god - I have abandonded him, what a horrible person I am, how can I do that, he needs me"
= codependent much?
Put yourself on a pedestal for once, think of you for once, he is a grown man. Its always hard to admit defeat and accept that all the effort we put into a relationship ended up fruitless. But life goes on. It really does.
Actually, the last couple of days I've been driving around in the nice weather with the sun on my face feeling so much more at peace with the world than I ever did when I was wrapped up in worrying about him.
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