Disappointed

Old 07-09-2003, 08:06 AM
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Unhappy Disappointed

Hi everybody! Let me start with hoping you all had a good holiday weekend. Although I was braced for the worst hubby did not screw up the 4th. Glad you had a good time 2many and wish I could have been there with you to enjoy the ocean at night.

OK, here's the deal. I started going to a counselor about a month and a half ago after the last time AH was arrested and removed from the house. It was just my breaking point. Started counseling, started going to Al-anon, and found you (best part of all ) Well, hubby has talked about us going to counseling for a long time but always said I should have to set it up. Well, he went to his first appointment yesterday. When he got home I was anxious to find out if he liked him. I don't think you can get any good out of counseling if you don't feel comfortable with the person. That is all I wanted to know. I didn't ask what they talked about or anything like that. Quite honestly, I don't care. Does that mean I am doing better at detaching??? And I sure in the hell would never tell hubby what I talk about in my sessions.

Anyway, hubby gets all defensive and says he needs time to chill out. Standard line meaning....I need to start drinking. So, I start to follow him downstairs to sit with him and he says I shouldn't come because he just spent an hour talking about "us." This hurt my feelings but I just came upstairs and pouted. Soon he sends me an e-mail telling me how it is crap that I give him the 3rd degree...which I did not, and how I make him feel guilty for wanting some thinking time. Then he proceeds to tell me how the counselor has told him to realize it's not all his fault. First of all, I seriously doubt that is what he said......more like thats what hubby wanted to hear. Second of all, hubby is always telling me its my fault anyway........did he really need someone else to tell him that.

I KNOW I have faults. I know I have issues of my own to deal with. I also know I have been going to counseling, meetings and here all the time. I am far from perfect but I am trying to get better. I know I have made mistakes in this marriage, but when the hell is he going to see his number one problem??? I love this man, and although he does some things that bother me his responsibility in failing this marriage is his drinking and the actions that come with it. Will he ever see that??? Will he just find other ways to make excuses and blame me???

Please help! I am absolutely heartbroken this morning. I really feel like this counseling is our last shot and I already see him blowing it. He acted like he deserved some sort of medal because he went in there and was honest. Isn't that the point??? Plus it would have been a little hard since I have been seeing this guy for over a month already. Not like hubby could go and say he wasn't a drunk. But, all he walked away from that meeting with was what he wanted to hear. And yet another perfect excuse to sit alone in the basement and get drunk last night. I guess I shouldn't have expected anything more from him. I guess I didn't expect him to shut me out, and then come up with the line about it not being his fault. He has been drinking more lately, but somehow we have been getting along. This just came as a smack in the face. Will I never learn????

Please some advice here. Have you guys dealt with these counseling issues before? How do you handle them? Is this even a good idea? I don't want to feel like there is hope if there is none. I unfortunately have to wait till next Monday for my next appointment with the counselor. So I'm counting on your wisdom to help me deal with these feelings.


HUGS
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Old 07-09-2003, 09:34 AM
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(((((((Sunshine))))))

Been there!

Our situation was a little different. We both went together to our first session, and then went back separate later. But I think a lot of the same thing will go on for you.

I would come home from counselling after the counsellor would tell me I was doing just fine. Actually, our counsellor said my husband was manic-depressive (and probably self-medicating for that), obsessive compulsive, either an alcoholic or a severe alcohol abuser, controlling, out of control, a narcissist, etc. He told me that unless he was willing to quit drinking and go on medication, things probably wouldn't change. He gave me the name of an attorney. He cautioned me to not let the fact that we were well-off be the reason for staying. This is a Christian counsellor, who didn't believe in divorce. That was when our marriage was at it's worst.

Then my husband would go in, and come home saying he hoped the counsellor had told me all the things I needed to change--acting like he was an angel.

I finally talked to my counsellor about it, and he said that he couldn't share all of his feelings about my husband's problems with him right off the bat, because he would put a shield up, and not open up to him. He could not point a finger at him, or he might never come back. So, what he did was draw him out, see what his thoughts were. He told me it is very hard on someone with these problems to admit they might be part of the problem, and they have to show it to them, not just tell them. It can be a very slow process. Right now, all the counsellor has probably done was tried to make him feel good about himself and develop a commaraderie with him.

Probably the reason why your husband got on the defensive, is because he did feel he had to admit some things, and opened himself up, and now he's dealing with ego issues. He will now feel he has to put more blame on you, so he feels better. That's what "they" do.

My husband finally decided our counsellor was a liar and that he knew more than the counsellor. So he wouldn't let us go back to him.

Just know, that it will get better--trust me. The first time is the hardest. The best thing about the counselling is that you will feel better about you.

Hugs,
Lyn
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Old 07-09-2003, 09:47 AM
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Re: Disappointed

Originally posted by sunshine71
I really feel like this counseling is our last shot and I already see him blowing it. He acted like he deserved some sort of medal because he went in there and was honest.
It is really, really hard to accept that we can't control the behavior of others. Especially when it appears that they need to be hit over the head with a 2x4. But, the hard truth is, whether or not he takes to the counseling is out of your hands.

The good news is, that at least he went. The hope is that your patience will be rewarded down the road. The hope is that eventually, something will motivate him to want to quit drinking.

I understand your fears.......you want this to work, and you're doing all you can from your side of it to make it work.

But from his point of view (which is the alcohol's point of view) the best thing you could do is to sit down and shut up and leave him alone. Sounds like you were talking to the alcohol when you asked your question.

You say "I see him blowing it". Yeah, that's the hard part, that hurts. If these people could self-destruct without taking a part of our hearts with them, there would be no problem.

So, guard your heart. I know you just asked what you thought was a simple question, but alcohol doesn't like anything to be questioned. It likes to maintain the status quo and be in charge.

Men in general, and alcohol makes it worse, don't much like questions. He's probably arguing with inside himself... and you ended up getting in the midst of his alcoholic self-survival crap.
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Old 07-09-2003, 10:05 AM
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Sunshine -
I found out that no matter how I approached his drinking and awful behaviour when he was drinking - things turned out bad. So I would wait to talk to him the next morning when he couldn't possiby be drunk and he would listen (sometimes) or ask me politely to stop nagging him.

I too had thought about a counselor and went once by myself. She suggested that he come with me to the 2nd meeting. But fortunately he hit his rock bottom at that moment (it actually was awfull - but a good thing too).

I think that this disease makes it impossible for them to admit to themselves and others that they even have a problem. If they begin to admit it to themselves then they just do what they can do to avoid having to face it (drink until it goes away?).

I would continue with the counseling. But, I would do it together. It's worth trying. If you don't try it you probably will keep wondering if you missed an important opportunity.

Good luck.

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Old 07-09-2003, 02:24 PM
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Thank-you! I knew I could count on you to help me sort through some of these feelings. I'm not as upset now....just very disappointed. I know I can't make him change...hell, thats how I ended up in such bad shape.

He says he knows he has a drinking problem, but I don't really think he realizes how bad it is. It's one thing to say it, but quite another to really mean it. Guess it's just more of the alcoholic behavior. I talked to the counselor about it and he said if he really knows he has a problem then it's his responsibility to do something about it. He used an example of having a cavity. If you know you have a cavity then it's your responsibility to do something about it. But, since my hubby doesn't think his drinking is hurting himself let alone me and my son he doesn't need to do anything about it. I just wish he could step back and look at himself as I do. I wish he could take an honest look at himself.


His dad had brain surgery yesterday, and as bad as that is I wish my husband would take a bit of time to think about it. His dad was an A also. He drank for 30+ years. He stopped drinking about 15 years ago and since then his health has definately taken a turn for the worse. The alcohol took such a toll on his body and he can never get that back. I wish my hubby could think about what irreversible damage he is doing to himself. He claims it's because his dad only drank hard stuff and hubby just drinks beer for the most part. Just another rationalzation on his part. But, when this all came about with his dad in the last week he said he couldn't lose his dad...couldn't face it. Why can't he see he is doing that kind of damage to himself now and that someone who is here now doesn't want to lose him. Plus, hubby desperately wants more kids, but I can't help but think they deserve to have a dad for a long time too. Doesn't he think his kids would feel the way he does now? I have always worried about this damage caused by the alcohol and it scares me. I know the statistics of death among alcoholics and it scares the hell out of me.

I have been working the steps enough and been reading enough to know this is all normal A behavior. Just doesn't make it any easier. I'm tired of being his excuse. How can an intelligent man be so stupid??? He will come up with anything to avoid dealing with his own issues. How sad! I know how much better I have felt in the last month dealing with my issues and you are all right about the counseling helping me. Regardless of him I will keep going. I am very slowly getting better. I am very proud of myself for starting to set bounderies. He tries to find ways to make me feel bad about them but they are about making me feel good. My bounderies are for me...not to punish him.

No Doubt.....you made a very good point. If I don't try the counseling together I am afraid I will always wonder. I don't want to feel like I haven't tried everything. Hugs to you, Eyes Open and of course LYN. You guys really helped.

******************{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}
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