blackmax

New here and need to know I've done the right things. This last December, my daughter came to me and told me her boyfriend (age 18) was abusing oxy and heroine. I promptly called his folks and told them. They were extremely thankful, but other than keeping him home for three days in a forced detox and some removal of car and other privileges did nothing else. Fast forward to the end of February where he was arrested on felony possession of heroin and several counts of shoplifting. Some more short term detox issues his disappearing for a couple of days and then my daughter calls off the relationship and he takes an overdose of pills and is hospitalized. That's what got his folks's attention and he was put into a rehab. Unfortunately after two weeks, the rehab was more for alcoholics and they took him out of that and found a rehab for drug addiction. During this time he has been on again off again with my daughter. She visited him in the first rehab and everything seemed fine. When he got out of the first rehab and just before going into the second one, and after disappearing for another two days, he called her, calling her a ***** and all sorts of horrible things. Somewhere during this time he also took and pawned two laptop computers and his father's guitar.

I've come to call him Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. He can be the sweetest young man when he's not using, or sick from wd, and then he can be an absolute *******. I've always told him if he was clean and in a relationship with my daughter he could stay with us. Of course this was before the arrest happened. He sends my daughter txts from borrowed cell phones about once a week, calling her sweetheart, baby and such, but doesn't say he loves her, seems like he's taunting her, I'm not sure.

I know he's sick and in rehab and has to work through his problems. He's identified my daughter and his mother as two of his triggers! Neither of them have ever done hard drugs with him. Perhaps my daughter has smoked pot with him, but that's all., never anything else. With all of this said, I got a phone call from him today and I feel just awful. He asked if he could spend the weekend with my family. He's in a live in rehab. In the interest of my daughter's well being and thinking that he was trying to find a place to run to, I told him no. He thanked me and hung up. Now I just can't stop crying!

I called his mom and she called the rehab, they told her I did the right thing, that he had a really bad day today in group therapy, going over the bad things he had done, stealing, deceiving, lieing, etc. and he needed to face these things rather than try to run from them.

In one aspect I see this as they are right and he needs to heal, but on the flip side, my heart is breaking for this kid!! Am I a nut case? Or What?

rahsue

It breaks our hearts when we see addiction mess with the heads of our loved ones not to mention ours. Of course you did the right thing, if he came to your house and used and possibly overdosed, my gosh then how would you feel.
Recovery is a long process and rehab is just the beginning. He needs the therapy sessions. Someday, when he's clean and sober he'll tell you himself that you did the right thing. Leave him to his recovery now because he really NEEDS to do this on his own.

Hugs and prayers

blackmax

Thanks for the support. I like his mom, but she's just not the same type of mom I am. I constantly hug my two grown kids and tell them I love them. Even before this addiction started, she was never the "loving" type of mom that I am. He refuses to talk to her, and calls me mom. I feel like I've lost a son. I don't call him, can't call him. He called me. I was told that he's actually not allowed to call anyone other than his folks, on a limited basis, and he won't do that, so he borrowed someone's phone and called.

After the initial call I made to his folks last December and before the February incident, he did come visit me, hug me and told me thanks for saving my life, so I know he'll be greatful - someday - but it will be a long hard haul.

Sorry if I'm rambling, I go from sad to mad to sad again. I'm just so darn frustrated!!

JMFburns

((blackmax))
You sure did the right thing and I know how hard it is.
I'm glad you found this site to vent some of your frustration and get some support for others.
I can say this to you, but have a hard time applying it to my own life, anyway . . . here goes. He needs to go through this recovery on his own and our picking up the pieces and holding them up only delays them being able to do that.
You sound so close to this young man, I wish you the best of luck during this difficult time.
Joan

Bernadette

Heya blackmax
Keep reading around the forums here - you'll definitely feel better about the choice you made. In fact it's probably what many on here would have advised you to do had you had a moment to ask before you responded to him.

We all love our alcoholic/addicts so much!! But at some point we have to be strong, with our clean, sober brains and make sure we are not going to love them to death!

Any little bit of our enabling that an alcoholic/addict can hold onto they will, and they will just keep using. Until THEY are truly in recovery.

So easy does it on yourself there, and one day at a time! His recovery will NOT be affected by whether you let him visit your house or not!

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
Seriously.
His recovery is 100% his own!
Do something nice for you and your daughter this weekend! Love up those children of yours!
Prayers for YOUR peace of mind--
Peace,
B.

Chino

Triggers are people, places, or things that make him feel out of control.

lightseeker

Gosh -

I feel your pain over this one. As mother's, our heartstrings definitely get pulled. I can tell you that you definitely did the right thing although it is hard. Since he identified your daughter as one of his triggers, I would definitely take note of that. Her "triggering him" probably just means that emotions that come up between the two of them make him want to use. My RAH triggers the heck out of me and it has nothing to do with using drugs or alcohol with him in the past.

Keep reading here - especially the stickys at the top about what addicts do. That will help a lot and you will see that you really did do the most loving thing for him and your family by saying no. Of course you feel sad - but you did the right thing.

patchoulli

you are not nutz....you are a parent and you feel his pain in your heart...its called compassion...You did the absolute right thing...he is right where he needs to be, working out his stuff in a safe place where the addict in him can get help without causing chaos anywhere else..

beegee

Blackmax,
You did the right thing..Do not beat yourself up over that. I wish someone had told me a long time ago. My AD was also two different people but then I had no idea why. I just knew she was hateful and nasty and then later her wonderful self.
Your not a nutcase...You care and your concerned.....If it had been someone in your family wouldn't you have wanted them to call you? I think we all would. :ghug3 :praying

ladyamalthea

I also feel that you did the right thing. If he will steal from his own father for drug money, what would possibly stop him from stealing from you, or even your daughter?

I know that when my sister was in rehab, she had some great days, and she had some horrible days, as does anyone who is fighting a deadly disease. The last thing he needs to be trained to do is to run to anyone else for an escape from his problems. Most rehabs will try to teach the addicts to take care of their problems, and admitting them is a step in that direction. If he is running to your house to hide behind your daughter, he'll never learn to face anything on his own.

I'm sorry that your daughter is caught up in this. I hope and pray that both of you will be able to find peace soon. If it helps, I bet that, whether or not your daughter admits it, she is probably relieved on some level that you said no. You just spared her a lot of awkwardness and probably a ton of hurt, not necessarily in that order.

SailorKaren

Just look at the fact that for him to make this "loving" communication with you, he had to break rules, sneak around, and use someone else's phone to talk to you. Where is the respect for himself and his healing process in that? His actions are saying something different from his words. You did the right thing, absolutely.

laurie6781

Blackmax, first let me say WELCOME to SR. You have found a GREAT place with lots and lots of experience, strength and hope (ES&H).

No you are not a 'nut case.' You are a kind, compassionate, caring human being who sees the pain the young man is in. Now would be a good time for you to find some Alanon meetings in your area for you and your daughter to attend.

It will help you to set boundaries and keep them, and it will help tremendously in remembering the 3 C's:

You didn't CAUSE it,

You can't CONTROL it, and

You can't CURE it.

You did the right thing in saying NO. He broke the rules to contact you.

If he really wants recovery he will get recovery. He may have a few more rehabs in him yet, only time will tell.

In the meantime you need to take care of YOU and your daughter needs to take care of HER.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care very much!

Love and hugs,

blackmax

My daughter's bf is going to celebrate his 30 days clean shortly. He said he gets some sort of key to denote this, but told us he'd rather have me bake him his favorite cake. I contacted the rehab and asked if that was o.k., they said no problem. Then in order to make sure everything was o.k. with everyone involved, I contacted his folks and asked them if o.k. and his father said absolutely NOT!! That the bf needed to concentrate on his progress and have no distractions. I'll honor his folks request, but come on now!!

Am I wrong? Wouldn't you think a bit of encouragement would be good???

mooselips

That's a difficult one for me, as he is just doing what he is SUPPOSED to be doing, staying sober. I'm not sure about the reward thing, it kind of reminds me of grade school.

My youngest attended meetings sporatically, so I never knew how long hie was sober as he went about his way in recovery.

I'm just happy he chose sobriety, just for today.

ladyamalthea

Wow... how frustrating.

If he's really been sober for 30 days, he needs all the encouragement he can get to keep that momentum going. After all, if the treatment facility is saying that would be fine, and I'm sure they have more experience in helping addicts than his parents do, then who are they to say no? Maybe you could call back up to the treatment center and ask them to talk to his parents about it??? Or, to be honest, I'd be tempted to bake it anyway lol. Just a thought. Maybe that's the codie in me coming out, but while 30 days is ultimately just a drop in the bucket, when it's your first 30 days, I'd imagine it can feel pretty monumental.

I can see what Mooselips is saying about rewards being a bit silly when it's just for something you're supposed to do... but I'm not entirely convinced that rewards and celebrations are quite the same thing. After all, cake is a normal tradition at American birthdays, right? Are we rewarding the birthday boy or girl for getting older? Of course not. It's an excuse to celebrate. And in my mind, we should be able to celebrate when we achieve certain milestones... and if 30 days is one of NA's official milestones, then it's time for him to feel good about himself. For a minute, anyway

I'm starting to feel like maybe his parents are jealous of you somehow. Not that it's any of my business, but like you said, he calls you mom sometimes, and when he's looking for a place to go to try and escape everything, does he want to go home? Nope. He wants to see you and your daughter. That must be a very frustrating place for his parents to be. But I wonder if they have his best interest at heart when they say no, that you cannot bake him that reward cake?

Okay, enough of my stirring the pot. Just had to get my two cents in.

marle

When my daughter got 30 days I told her Good Job. I wanted to let her know that I was proud of her. The thing about early recovery is that sometimes the addict is still in that "pink cloud" so the true test is yet to come. His parents may be waiting to see if it sticks and I can't blame them for that. Hugs, Marle

BigSis

None of we parents have that damned instruction booklet - you know, the one I SWORE they gave each of us when we brought those little dumplin's home? Neither you, nor his parents are operating from anything other than what each of you believe is best for your children.... each of us learns about the "how" to do this in our own ways, and in our own time.

In our home, both Mr. Big and I have gone back and forth being the tyrant or the princess... sometimes, laying down the law! Sometimes, letting them lay their heads down for a well-needed rest. Sometimes we were on the right track, sometimes we were duped.

I've only been able to see clearly... in hindsight.

Why not let him work this out himself, in the rehab where he has support. Take a break from his drama and be on vacation when he hits his 30 days? A nice trip to the mountains or lake for a weekend? Focus on YOUR family and YOUR needs... maybe get your daughter a nice pair of shoes or a good book and spend some core family time together.

Just as addicts pass the tendency down to their children (which may be some of what you were experiencing with dad, there), we codies pass down many of our behaviors, as well. It might do both you and your daughter some good to attend a good 6 or 7 Alanon or Naranon meetings together - before the boyfriend is back out on the streets. Certainly couldn't hurt!


I do wish you well... now, quit second-guessing yourself and give yourself a nice day off!


((hugs))

rahsue

you know what they say about opinions...............everybody has one, use your own judgement. If you feel like baking a cake will make you feel good then go ahead. He is doing what he is supposed to do that's for sure and if you feel strongly about that, then when you bring the cake say exactly that to him, "here's a cake for doing what your supposed to be doing". The cake will taste the same, lol.

blackmax

After mulling it over for a while, I've pretty much come to the same conclusions. (I refer to the bf as JD). I can't blame his dad for saying no to the cake. In a lot of ways, I know JD's family does not like the closeness we have with JD. I had spoken to his mom a while back about when he's done with rehab he could spend some time with my hubby (they share the same hobby), and she told me that until he mends his fences with HIS father and family, he wasn't going to be allowed to try to build a relationship with someone else's father. On one hand, I see the wisdom of that, but the kid's going to need some sort of outlet where he's not always trying to be the "good son". Hubby has said he is not interested in being a father figure, just sharing a hobby. I'm not discouraged by this, just disappointed. Ah well, life goes on.

My daughter hasn't had contact with him since he pulled a fast one last week by lying to us and and telling us it was o.k. to spend the night one evening. He was contacting her about once a week from various cell phones since he doesn't have one any longer. Long story short, the calls, the staying at our house was not o.k. (yeah, I know, boy was I naive and stupid) it wasn't o.k. and when we returned him to rehab the next day, he was put on "lock down". No contact with us at all until he's done. The rehab counselor contacted me via e-mail and he said "oddly enough", JD's outlook on things seems to have improved since the incident - so maybe he got a wake up call? I can only remain hopeful. And for those of you that think this may have been an opportunity for him to use - it wasn't. My daughter picked him up from the rehab apartment that he shares, drove him to our house, where he stayed inside - we have an alarm system that we set - no one gets in or out without our hearing the alarm.

Chino

If he goes to NA meetings, they won't have any control over that. My RAD said one old timer in his 50's is her hero.