Help- I am going crazy!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 60
Help- I am going crazy!
My AH and I have been fighting like crazy. The kids are out of control from all the stress in the house and we are so damn busy and stressed we can't give them the attention they need. My AH needs to submit a background check for school. The semester ended on Tuesday and he still has not sent it in. He is going through criminal issues now and he may be kicked out of the school program. He has known about this background check for weeks and is waiting until the last minute to send it in. We don't know if he will be in school next week or not because of this and he refuses to deal with it. I am so stressed I had a major panic attack last night and almost passed out in front of him. This is not the first time this has happened from the stres of his procrastination. I feel like I want to strangle him for puttting me through all of this. His therapist says we should seperate for the kids sake. I can't trust him for anything. If we seperate it is forever. I am not subjecting my kids to this back and forth crap anymore. "Oh this week daddy is moving out again." I feel like he is never going to change. Even though he has been clean for over two months he still has al the main issues he had that caused him to turn to drugs- fear, procrastination etc. He has asked all his therapists and group leaders to help him with his fear and help him but it seems he is getting no where. If he is getting no where either are we. One therapist says he can't work on his family at all until he is done working on himself. My therapist says if we don't work on the marriage it will not make it. I don't know what the hell to do. One day I refuse to get divorced other days I can't wait to get him out of here so he can stop comlicating my life so much. I am trying to work on co-dependent issues but it is so hard with the kids. Today I am suppose to work and he is suppose to watch the kids. He now has to spend the day writing the letter and background check sent to hs teacher. Who is going to take care of the kids?? If the kids stay with him they will be ignored and stuck in front of the tv and yelled at for interrupting him. If I take them to work with me I am teaching him I am always to the rescue so he doesn't have to be responsible.
Sorry such a long post-- Any advice to save my sanity would be greatly appreciated.
I put my future in my AH hands not knowing he was an addict and now my future is at serious risk and I am trying not to hate him for it. I go to church and they tell me forgive like god forgives and let go of anger. So much easier said than done!!!
Sorry such a long post-- Any advice to save my sanity would be greatly appreciated.
I put my future in my AH hands not knowing he was an addict and now my future is at serious risk and I am trying not to hate him for it. I go to church and they tell me forgive like god forgives and let go of anger. So much easier said than done!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 65
Sorry to hear that you and your kids are going through this...does your husband go to any AA or NA meetings? Sounds like he is a dry not in recovery. Also, for you and your kids’ sake I would take the advice you were given...he needs to work on himself, and you also need to work on yourself have you gone to any Alanon or Naranon meetings?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
When I first got clean, I still had the addict behaviors and procrastination was one of the worst. When I was using, my favorite way of dealing with stuff was to say "I'll deal with it later"..then get high. I didn't get high anymore, but still put everything off.
I still procrastinate on some things, but only things that don't matter (cleaning my room, washing the car). It sounds to me like he is clean, but not learning how to deal with life like a grownup.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'm glad you've got us to vent to! For me, just knowing my friends, here, care about me and are willing to share ES&H helps a lot.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I still procrastinate on some things, but only things that don't matter (cleaning my room, washing the car). It sounds to me like he is clean, but not learning how to deal with life like a grownup.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'm glad you've got us to vent to! For me, just knowing my friends, here, care about me and are willing to share ES&H helps a lot.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
(((((Thisisnotmylife)))))
your name says it all doesn't it? It's not our life it's theirs to fix, ruin and muck through. We have our own to deal with.
I, like you, can spend so much time worrying about their problems and how they are going to solve them because I am convinced that it they would just " do it right" my happiness would be greater.
With each step in this do what you need to do to take care of you. One day in front of the TV for the kids so he can finish his letter ( which might be his "next best thing to do") and you going to work and letting that go (which might be your "next best thing to do") will still have your kids safe and surviving and takes you out of his decision making process. Sometimes we have to accept just that for the moment.
Try not to spend so much time looking at his life and decisions as a source of your peace. ( VERY hard concept for me!) . Focus on your kids and you. Kids are the tough part of an equation that involves an addict. They do need their parents. they need to be watched and nurtured through this. So take care of them. Give them time when you can, but know they will be okay at times when you can't.
We don't put our life in someone else's hands when we marry them. That gives them far too much power and leaves us helpless to take care of ourselves. I know you didn't mean that literally, but as Codie's, we can mean it mentally because we have given them so much power over our happiness.
Sure if he was working a program it would probably be better for the family, and sure the first months of recovery can be as hellish as the using days in some ways. But in either circumstance, you need to keep the focus on you first, your life, and your emotional health, so you can be the parent you want to be for your children, and let him worry about his life. Marriages need both parties to be healthy in their own way. This can take time as its always a journey and a work in progress.
your name says it all doesn't it? It's not our life it's theirs to fix, ruin and muck through. We have our own to deal with.
I, like you, can spend so much time worrying about their problems and how they are going to solve them because I am convinced that it they would just " do it right" my happiness would be greater.
With each step in this do what you need to do to take care of you. One day in front of the TV for the kids so he can finish his letter ( which might be his "next best thing to do") and you going to work and letting that go (which might be your "next best thing to do") will still have your kids safe and surviving and takes you out of his decision making process. Sometimes we have to accept just that for the moment.
Try not to spend so much time looking at his life and decisions as a source of your peace. ( VERY hard concept for me!) . Focus on your kids and you. Kids are the tough part of an equation that involves an addict. They do need their parents. they need to be watched and nurtured through this. So take care of them. Give them time when you can, but know they will be okay at times when you can't.
We don't put our life in someone else's hands when we marry them. That gives them far too much power and leaves us helpless to take care of ourselves. I know you didn't mean that literally, but as Codie's, we can mean it mentally because we have given them so much power over our happiness.
Sure if he was working a program it would probably be better for the family, and sure the first months of recovery can be as hellish as the using days in some ways. But in either circumstance, you need to keep the focus on you first, your life, and your emotional health, so you can be the parent you want to be for your children, and let him worry about his life. Marriages need both parties to be healthy in their own way. This can take time as its always a journey and a work in progress.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 60
My husband barely attends meetings he says because of fear of what if he says the wrong thing or he doesn't know what to say. He also hates that AA philosophy is AA is the only way. He says going to AA makes him want to relapse because he gets so much anxiety about going.
His addicition started because of his fear of people.
His addicition started because of his fear of people.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Honestly, I think I just got tired of feeling overwhelmed and stressed. The huge problem I had was a lot of past due bills....most in collections, one had sued me and won (while I was out on the streets). Several thousand dollars worth, and I wait tables for $3.13/hr plus tips.
I realized I couldn't tackle them all at once, so I decided what needs to be taken care of first. For me, it was getting a car and paying car payments and insurance. I rent from my dad, but I also put that as a priority because HE needs the money and I need to feel like I'm not living off of him.
The company that sued me...I dealt with them first because I had no choice. A cop showed up at my door with court papers. I got a prepaid legal services, that was inexpensive, gave me about a month of time to make payment arrangements with the company.
2 weeks later, I got another collection notice. I contacted them, made payment arrangements.
I've dealt with pretty much everything the same way...what can I do, right now, to deal with this and not have it hanging over my head.
When the cop first came to my door, after he left, I cried, pitched a fit, told myself "I will NEVER get back on my feet". Then, I thought "okay, enough of the pity party, what can I do".
There's a huge amount of self-confidence that comes with being responsible...especially if you were irresponsible as I was when I was using.
And as far as AA or NA meetings? He doesn't have to say anything but "I'm (name)" most add "and I'm an alcoholic/addict" but some just say "I think I'm an alcoholic/addict". When I went, my first few meetings, all I did was walk to the meeting place (terrified) and when someone came up and said "hi, how are you doing?" I blurted out "I'm scared to death and I've never been to a meeting". The meeting was then geared a little more toward me...the newcomer, but I never had to say a word. It took me a LONG time before I ever shared anything.
It was a little easier to talk to people before or after the meeting. I thought everyone there was better than me...they were already working a "program" and I wasn't even sure I WANTED a program! They weren't better than me...they were just other people who suffered most of the same things I suffered.
I went to way more AA meetings, than NA because I felt more comfortable there.
Sorry this is so long, but hope it helps a little.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I realized I couldn't tackle them all at once, so I decided what needs to be taken care of first. For me, it was getting a car and paying car payments and insurance. I rent from my dad, but I also put that as a priority because HE needs the money and I need to feel like I'm not living off of him.
The company that sued me...I dealt with them first because I had no choice. A cop showed up at my door with court papers. I got a prepaid legal services, that was inexpensive, gave me about a month of time to make payment arrangements with the company.
2 weeks later, I got another collection notice. I contacted them, made payment arrangements.
I've dealt with pretty much everything the same way...what can I do, right now, to deal with this and not have it hanging over my head.
When the cop first came to my door, after he left, I cried, pitched a fit, told myself "I will NEVER get back on my feet". Then, I thought "okay, enough of the pity party, what can I do".
There's a huge amount of self-confidence that comes with being responsible...especially if you were irresponsible as I was when I was using.
And as far as AA or NA meetings? He doesn't have to say anything but "I'm (name)" most add "and I'm an alcoholic/addict" but some just say "I think I'm an alcoholic/addict". When I went, my first few meetings, all I did was walk to the meeting place (terrified) and when someone came up and said "hi, how are you doing?" I blurted out "I'm scared to death and I've never been to a meeting". The meeting was then geared a little more toward me...the newcomer, but I never had to say a word. It took me a LONG time before I ever shared anything.
It was a little easier to talk to people before or after the meeting. I thought everyone there was better than me...they were already working a "program" and I wasn't even sure I WANTED a program! They weren't better than me...they were just other people who suffered most of the same things I suffered.
I went to way more AA meetings, than NA because I felt more comfortable there.
Sorry this is so long, but hope it helps a little.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Heya thisisnotmylife--
If the kids stay with him they will be ignored and stuck in front of the tv and yelled at for interrupting him. If I take them to work with me I am teaching him I am always to the rescue so he doesn't have to be responsible.
I wouldn't worry so much about what you're "teaching" your AH. I would really just worry about you and the kids.
If them sitting in front of the tele is unacceptable to you then, you have to arrange something acceptable. You can't do it with resentment though. Because that means what you REALLY wanted was for the AH to take care of the kids the way YOU want him to. That never works. If you can arrange some other alternative then do it: end of aggravation.
Otherwise ditto Cece: accept that you cannot change everything at once, and maybe the kids will need to be in front of the tele for a few days and you can let that go.
If he never turns in the background check, he'll cross that bridge.
If he can't stay in school he'll cross that bridge.
And YOU will have to see where the chips fall and THEN decide what you can change and what you have to accept. One day at a time.
You have to find some way to whoa down on the stress...just reading your post made my blood pressure go up!! I hope you've had some heart to hearts with your kids, let them know that all this stress is not their fault, and that you know it is hard for them to take, and if they ever want to talk about it you're there. Children and teens are so sensitive and are so tied up with their parents/caregivers....be worthy of their imitation, cuz that's what kids do eventually.
Sending you a prayer for strength and hopefully some peace of mind for yourself this weekend!!! :praying Easy does it.
Peace,
B.
If the kids stay with him they will be ignored and stuck in front of the tv and yelled at for interrupting him. If I take them to work with me I am teaching him I am always to the rescue so he doesn't have to be responsible.
I wouldn't worry so much about what you're "teaching" your AH. I would really just worry about you and the kids.
If them sitting in front of the tele is unacceptable to you then, you have to arrange something acceptable. You can't do it with resentment though. Because that means what you REALLY wanted was for the AH to take care of the kids the way YOU want him to. That never works. If you can arrange some other alternative then do it: end of aggravation.
Otherwise ditto Cece: accept that you cannot change everything at once, and maybe the kids will need to be in front of the tele for a few days and you can let that go.
If he never turns in the background check, he'll cross that bridge.
If he can't stay in school he'll cross that bridge.
And YOU will have to see where the chips fall and THEN decide what you can change and what you have to accept. One day at a time.
You have to find some way to whoa down on the stress...just reading your post made my blood pressure go up!! I hope you've had some heart to hearts with your kids, let them know that all this stress is not their fault, and that you know it is hard for them to take, and if they ever want to talk about it you're there. Children and teens are so sensitive and are so tied up with their parents/caregivers....be worthy of their imitation, cuz that's what kids do eventually.
Sending you a prayer for strength and hopefully some peace of mind for yourself this weekend!!! :praying Easy does it.
Peace,
B.
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