My HP helped me do it....I am free
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
My HP helped me do it....I am free
Wanted to give an update on this incredible mound of strength I have gained from SR and my HP. For almost 2 years I have been unable to make myself MAKE THE BREAK with the ABF......I had various excuses and substancial codie behavior and it finally took its toll on me.
This past 2 weeks I have watched the XABF gulp a pint of vodka every single day until he was in a stupor. He's called the landlord complaining about the roof, he's been bored and antisocial at a 5 yr old nephew's birthday party last weekend (was fine once he got home to his bottle) He's left the stove on in a midnight, drunk food frenzie.....He would then raid the refrigerator and leave messes all over the place.....trash on counters and floor, half eaten plates of food all over the house, dirty clothes stinking up my floors... I watched in disgust as his disease kicked into high gear. He hasn't been bathing, combing his hair, shaving, or even attempting to look presentable to me or anyone else. He's been going to the neighbors in his underwear, hair sticking up all over the place, and giving orders about setting "their" trash out.............
He's been climbing into bed stinking dirty despite my asking him to please take a shower before he comes to bed..(WHY should I have to beg this person to take a %&*^ bath!!??)
OMG, I could go on and on about the happenings of this past couple of weeks!
Well, last night I came home and he was home from work early, already passed out on the couch. Messes everywhere all over my house. He just doesn't CARE if he lives in a pig stye!! He doesn't care about his home, me, himself, his kids or anything but his booze!! I've always been there to pick up the pieces, clean up his messes and make excuses for him. NOT ANYMORE!! I can't believe this is the same man I fell in love with years ago!!
Last night, I made sure he was breathing, then went about my nightly chores. He had a friend come visit him and he wouldn't/couldn't even sit up on the couch to speak to him.
I had problems sleeping last night because I knew the time was near. When I got up for work and found him still on the couch, I again checked to see if he was breathing.
As I was getting ready for work this morning I was contemplating writing him a note and leaving it on the table but I heard him get up and go to the bathroom so when he went back to the couch I decided I would tell him NOW.
I sat in the chair next to the couch and told him I could not do this anymore.
He looked over at me and said, "what"? I said "you and me......I cannot watch you kill yourself and I have done all I can do for you" He then said, "So, you want me to leave?" I said YES. I told him to take his paycheck this week and find somewhere else to live. I told him that I love him very much but I have not been happy and neither has he. And until he gets himself into a recovery program and get help, things will never get better for him.
It all went much better than I had anticipated, although I would have thought he would have had "something.........ANYTHING" to say to me but he did not. I even asked him, "Don't you have anything to say?" He replied with "No, it looks like you have already made your decision"
So now I am at work wondering if he will be there when I get home. Will he take the dog, will he be drunk on the couch again......I know it will take him a couple of weeks to get all his things out, and I really don't know where he will go. He's a big boy, he will figure it out. I just want my dog with me where she is safe. I will be keeping myself very busy this weekend AWAY from home and hopefully he will get his things moved. I know this will be a slow process with him and I may even end up packing some of it for him, just to move it along a little quicker.
I truly feel that all my prayers for strength to make this decision have finally been heard. I have been working on ME and MY feelings, wants and needs, and it has really helped me. I have been praying for my HP to give me strength and willpower to ge tthis over with. I have been wanting to do this for quite some time but didn't have the courage or the guts until now.
Just needed to get this out, I guess. As soon as I can get him out of the house and all his belongings out, I can begin "healing" from all of this.
I feel a lot of relief, but I am also very nervous and scared about the weak moments I know I will be facing. I ask for prayers that I can stick to my decision and start a healthy recovery. I do feel confident that this time its really over for good. Thank you to everyone who has listened to me vent and for all the stories I have read that have given me strength and courage.
I love you all :ghug
This past 2 weeks I have watched the XABF gulp a pint of vodka every single day until he was in a stupor. He's called the landlord complaining about the roof, he's been bored and antisocial at a 5 yr old nephew's birthday party last weekend (was fine once he got home to his bottle) He's left the stove on in a midnight, drunk food frenzie.....He would then raid the refrigerator and leave messes all over the place.....trash on counters and floor, half eaten plates of food all over the house, dirty clothes stinking up my floors... I watched in disgust as his disease kicked into high gear. He hasn't been bathing, combing his hair, shaving, or even attempting to look presentable to me or anyone else. He's been going to the neighbors in his underwear, hair sticking up all over the place, and giving orders about setting "their" trash out.............
He's been climbing into bed stinking dirty despite my asking him to please take a shower before he comes to bed..(WHY should I have to beg this person to take a %&*^ bath!!??)
OMG, I could go on and on about the happenings of this past couple of weeks!
Well, last night I came home and he was home from work early, already passed out on the couch. Messes everywhere all over my house. He just doesn't CARE if he lives in a pig stye!! He doesn't care about his home, me, himself, his kids or anything but his booze!! I've always been there to pick up the pieces, clean up his messes and make excuses for him. NOT ANYMORE!! I can't believe this is the same man I fell in love with years ago!!
Last night, I made sure he was breathing, then went about my nightly chores. He had a friend come visit him and he wouldn't/couldn't even sit up on the couch to speak to him.
I had problems sleeping last night because I knew the time was near. When I got up for work and found him still on the couch, I again checked to see if he was breathing.
As I was getting ready for work this morning I was contemplating writing him a note and leaving it on the table but I heard him get up and go to the bathroom so when he went back to the couch I decided I would tell him NOW.
I sat in the chair next to the couch and told him I could not do this anymore.
He looked over at me and said, "what"? I said "you and me......I cannot watch you kill yourself and I have done all I can do for you" He then said, "So, you want me to leave?" I said YES. I told him to take his paycheck this week and find somewhere else to live. I told him that I love him very much but I have not been happy and neither has he. And until he gets himself into a recovery program and get help, things will never get better for him.
It all went much better than I had anticipated, although I would have thought he would have had "something.........ANYTHING" to say to me but he did not. I even asked him, "Don't you have anything to say?" He replied with "No, it looks like you have already made your decision"
So now I am at work wondering if he will be there when I get home. Will he take the dog, will he be drunk on the couch again......I know it will take him a couple of weeks to get all his things out, and I really don't know where he will go. He's a big boy, he will figure it out. I just want my dog with me where she is safe. I will be keeping myself very busy this weekend AWAY from home and hopefully he will get his things moved. I know this will be a slow process with him and I may even end up packing some of it for him, just to move it along a little quicker.
I truly feel that all my prayers for strength to make this decision have finally been heard. I have been working on ME and MY feelings, wants and needs, and it has really helped me. I have been praying for my HP to give me strength and willpower to ge tthis over with. I have been wanting to do this for quite some time but didn't have the courage or the guts until now.
Just needed to get this out, I guess. As soon as I can get him out of the house and all his belongings out, I can begin "healing" from all of this.
I feel a lot of relief, but I am also very nervous and scared about the weak moments I know I will be facing. I ask for prayers that I can stick to my decision and start a healthy recovery. I do feel confident that this time its really over for good. Thank you to everyone who has listened to me vent and for all the stories I have read that have given me strength and courage.
I love you all :ghug
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
:ghug3
I will keep you in my prayers. You have made a terribly difficult decision and it will be hard indeed til he is out of the place. But you can do this! It will be worth it. For both of you.
I will keep you in my prayers. You have made a terribly difficult decision and it will be hard indeed til he is out of the place. But you can do this! It will be worth it. For both of you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
I know you can do it too NH- I read the first part of your post and realized I could have written a lot of it myself- same sorts of experiences. I look back now and wonder why I lived like that for so long. I know I deserve better, and you do too. It's wonderful to hear your strength. Keep on keeping on!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Your screen name says it all. You "needhappiness" and you are taking steps to get it. Good for you!
Come here as often as you need to to get support. Even though I am feeling fairly comfortable in my own recovery at this point, I have backslides. And there is still sooooo much for me to learn. SR is my maintenance program. I can come here anytime I need help. I can come here anytime I feel weak. I can come here anytime I need gentle reminders. SR is a resource that has helped me sooooo much and it will help you too!
Keep us posted on how things are going. You are not alone. We care.
gentle hugs
Come here as often as you need to to get support. Even though I am feeling fairly comfortable in my own recovery at this point, I have backslides. And there is still sooooo much for me to learn. SR is my maintenance program. I can come here anytime I need help. I can come here anytime I feel weak. I can come here anytime I need gentle reminders. SR is a resource that has helped me sooooo much and it will help you too!
Keep us posted on how things are going. You are not alone. We care.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 167
His reply to you about you having already made up your mind is almsot exactly what my ah said to me. NO fight no argument. i have had this talk at least twenty times over the last 28 years and always the same answer. It took all these years before I finally left. Now, he wants to talk and I have nothing to say back. I think the not wanting to talk is their way of saying...good..I can continue to drink. only when you are gone and thier world and routine of you always being there really sinks in, do they want to talk. You do have a rough road a head. Of mind games, to fear of being on your own, to money issues to your dog. But, the peace that comes with sticking to your guns and creating your own destiny is so worth it. When you get afraid and unsure, come here and read and soak up all the experiences of these brave people and you will draw strength from it. I visit her daily to help me remeber where this all came from and to feel the hope that this community brings. Goodluck to you, my heart and prayers are with you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 63
That was the right thing to do.....
Dig your heels in and hold your ground if he tries to come back later.
You've got me worried about your dog....Was she still there when you got home ?
Also, once all his stuff is moved out, I would have the locks changed if there's any kind of safety issue.
You mentioned you wanted your dog at home safe with you.
Dig your heels in and hold your ground if he tries to come back later.
You've got me worried about your dog....Was she still there when you got home ?
Also, once all his stuff is moved out, I would have the locks changed if there's any kind of safety issue.
You mentioned you wanted your dog at home safe with you.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Congratulations to you NH! It feels good doesn't it? I am so glad for you that you have come to this, I know you have been struggling with this.
You are now taking steps toward health and happiness, and as nerving and scary as it may seem at first, time will only show you that you have made the right move. I remember that once I had let the words out to my exabf, I felt like a weight had been lifted from me. I also felt afraid because I was always thinking I couldn't make it on my own; partly through low self esteem and partly that for years my exabf had been telling me so.
The last few months have been an eye opener to how strong a person I am, I survived that relationship, I have supported myself and my daughter and I am taking steps everyday towards healing within myself. As time passes I am learning that this is my life and it is worth all my efforts to make it as happy and healthy for me and my little girl as I can make it.
I know that as time goes on, you will feel your inner strength grow too.
Isn't this typical? My exabf said something like this to me too. It is never their decision or choice, it is always someone else's fault why they are in certain situations. I felt like my exabf had given up on our relationship a long time before I ended it, he never wanted to put any effort into making things better and then when I ended it, of course it was all my decision, he was forced into it blah blah quack.
Keep moving forward for you, ask a friend or family member to take in your dog if you are afraid he will take it. I had this issue also!! I gave him a date to be gone by and as that time approached I had my mum and dad ready to come by if things got ugly. Luckily I never needed them.
:ghug3
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
You are now taking steps toward health and happiness, and as nerving and scary as it may seem at first, time will only show you that you have made the right move. I remember that once I had let the words out to my exabf, I felt like a weight had been lifted from me. I also felt afraid because I was always thinking I couldn't make it on my own; partly through low self esteem and partly that for years my exabf had been telling me so.
The last few months have been an eye opener to how strong a person I am, I survived that relationship, I have supported myself and my daughter and I am taking steps everyday towards healing within myself. As time passes I am learning that this is my life and it is worth all my efforts to make it as happy and healthy for me and my little girl as I can make it.
I know that as time goes on, you will feel your inner strength grow too.
Originally Posted by NeedHappiness 
...It all went much better than I had anticipated, although I would have thought he would have had "something.........ANYTHING" to say to me but he did not. I even asked him, "Don't you have anything to say?" He replied with "No, it looks like you have already made your decision"...
Keep moving forward for you, ask a friend or family member to take in your dog if you are afraid he will take it. I had this issue also!! I gave him a date to be gone by and as that time approached I had my mum and dad ready to come by if things got ugly. Luckily I never needed them.
:ghug3
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Needhappiness: I can relate to checking to see if they are still breathing. I used to do this with my ex all the time. He caught me once and was really upset. My therapist said "mothers do that a lot with their children." It made me realize how sick I had become, how focused I had been on him and how little I cared for myself to put myself through the strain of that. It's a terrible way to live.
Big hugs and prayers to you!
Big hugs and prayers to you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: California
Posts: 303
Originally Posted by NeedHappiness
Last night, I made sure he was breathing, then went about my nightly chores.
I had problems sleeping last night because I knew the time was near. When I got up for work and found him still on the couch, I again checked to see if he was breathing.
I had problems sleeping last night because I knew the time was near. When I got up for work and found him still on the couch, I again checked to see if he was breathing.
So sorry for your pain, but it sounds like you are very strong and confident.
I'm sending good thoughts your way.
Shivaya
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Back South where I belong!
Posts: 210
Hey, Hap - at the end my xah and I had this conversation:
Me: I'm leaving tomorrow. If you have anything to say, you'd better say it now.
Him: I can't. I couldn't get through it.
Guess that really says it all. There was so much I wanted to hear - but he was never able to say it. When I look back, it seems delusional of me to think he would give me what I needed.
Anyway, we've been separated a few months now and I think it's getting easier although the pain flares up far too frequently for my comfort. Although I will say it seems easier to look at it with detachment as time passes.
Just know that there are many of us here who so completely relate to what you're feeling. Be strong and please keep us posted. R.
Me: I'm leaving tomorrow. If you have anything to say, you'd better say it now.
Him: I can't. I couldn't get through it.
Guess that really says it all. There was so much I wanted to hear - but he was never able to say it. When I look back, it seems delusional of me to think he would give me what I needed.
Anyway, we've been separated a few months now and I think it's getting easier although the pain flares up far too frequently for my comfort. Although I will say it seems easier to look at it with detachment as time passes.
Just know that there are many of us here who so completely relate to what you're feeling. Be strong and please keep us posted. R.
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