GiveLove

I wonder if anyone would be willing to offer me some advice.

A beloved family member -- let's call her Kate -- recently divorced her husband, an alcoholic, because his behavior was getting terrible, he refused to seek help, was spending little or no time at home, and she felt he was endangering their two little boys whenever he was alone with them.

This ex-husband is a long-time friend of several members of the family, and over the years some have chosen to enable him again and again (covering for him, bailing him out of jail, turning a blind eye to his drunk driving, etc.) The ex-husband was like a surrogate uncle to my young niece (13 years old) and she has never been told the true reason why Kate and this man separated. In fact, my niece has been told time and again that Kate did the wrong thing by divorcing him, that it was unfair to him, that he's a great guy and Kate is evil and selfish, etc etc etc. No one has ever mentioned that alcoholism was the reason for the divorce.

My niece loves Kate, and so these stories have confused her to no end, because they don't jibe with the reality she knows -- that Kate has always been supportive of her, loving, patient, steady, etc.

This young niece is coming to visit me this coming week, and I am faced with a dilemma. When she inevitably brings up this situation again, I will have the opportunity to either tell her the truth as I understand it (just as I've explained it above), or just be generic ("oh, it's complicated and boring..." ) and change the subject as quickly as I can.

Why would I even consider the latter choice? Because if I'm honest, I'll be accused of "filling her head with my own ideas" and will probably be isolated by all of them. Not the end of the world, I suppose, but.........

Is there a good, fair, balanced way of explaining why a wife would choose to divorce a man like this? Are there any words that might not touch off a powderkeg of angry reaction from my enabling family members?

I'm struggling for the right things to say, to be true to my own values and to really help my niece see the whole picture without messing with her mind even further....sigh.

Any thoughts, from anybody, would be welcome and helpful to me.

peaceteach

Hi GiveLove!

I wonder if your niece is still having questions because she knows in her heart that what she is being told is not the truth. Perhaps if the question comes up, you can first ask your niece what she thinks? Also, is there some way that you, Kate, and your niece can get together and let Kate do the question-answering? The way I read this is that Kate is your family member and the ex was just married to Kate.

I know how it feels to want to get the truth out, especially for a child. And a 13 year old is not stupid! How do her parents fit into this situation, and are THEY telling her the truth? I'd be careful to contradict a parent, as they may find fault with you calling them out on this lie.

Tough one, GL. Please keep YOUR serenity at the forefront during your niece's visit

GiveLove

Hey Peace,

Thanks so much for the thoughts. Yes, unfortunately her parents are among the enablers. And yes too (and even stickier) the ex-husband is related to these parents by marriage. Complicated. My niece never has the opportunity to see Kate at all, because Kate's been shut out of their lives for being so "cruel" as to divorce this guy. Kate's also distanced herself from the enabling and criticism and gotten on with her life, and for that I'm very proud.

So my niece has to guess, and try to put the pieces together for herself.

I love your idea of asking her what SHE thinks about what has happened. They learn a lot about the effects of drinking in high school nowadays -- she may have put two and two together but just doesn't dare bring it up at home. If it does nothing else, it might show her that I'm not putting her in the middle, just trying to show the whole story.

And really, I am. There are things on both sides that could've been done better, and maybe there's a way to remain perfectly neutral (to avoid enraging the parents!)

I guess I'm just tired of the 500-pound gorilla in ANY room. Life's so short....

peaceteach

Well, I think you should vent it out here, get calm with it, and let's go with the "trusting our HP" and the universe to let you know in your gut what the right thing to do will be. Do what comes natural at the moment, GL. You have a great sense of that

DesertEyes

I totally agree with PeaceTeach, that's what's worked best for me when dealing with similar situations.

Mike

GingerM

As opposed to what they're doing, which is filling her head with their own ideas which confuse the niece and are inaccurate also? 13 year olds are more sensitive to social relationships than, I believe, even adults are. They are in the developmental stage where they are learning social cues/skills and many studies I've read show that the teenage brain changes it's functioning to focus more on social development. The niece knows *something* isn't right already, she just doesn't know what.

I agree that asking her what she thinks is going on is a good way to open the door to the conversation. I also think if you can set it up so that Kate can come talk to her while she's visiting you, that would be good. After all, it is Kate's story to tell and by telling the niece directly what your perception of the events are, you may be violating Kate's boundaries. Kate ought to be the one to tell Kate's story, although with your background, you can fill in some of the gaps as to why people would enable others to do destructive behaviors in the first place - Kate may not know that.

Another option is to word it in terms of the general. "There are people in this world who do not have the tools to function very well without the help of alcohol or drugs. I feel sorry for these people. They aren't happy with themselves and often they take out their unhappiness on other people. The Other People don't always want to be the scapegoat and will leave." But nothing that discusses Kate/ex directly, just in the generic sense.

If/when you have this discussion (which I think would be good for your niece, even if you do only have the discussion in the 'generic' format), I think you should regularly ask for feedback from her. It would be in her best interest to have a *conversation*, not a lecture about dumb people and alcohol (which she gets from all kinds of other arenas in her life - school, public service announcements etc - but those lectures never really put a real face on the problem).

When my nephew was younger, we had to explain to him why my mom acts out aggressively for seemingly benign things (like "your glass is too close to the edge of the table" will get an aggressive response). We told him that grandma didn't have very many coping tools, so when something happened that she was uncomfortable with, she only knew one way of responding to it. We didn't even mention alcohol (primarily because her aggressive tendencies are worst when she's not drinking). It may be possible for you to have a similar discussion with your niece about life/emotional skills/tools (or lack thereof) without even mentioning the alcohol. There is more than just drinking going on here - his refusal to take responsibility for his own actions, his family's willingness to cover up for him. These could all be discussed without ever once mentioning booze.

Just some ideas, I don't know if any of them will work or not. Discussing them in the general sense will help disperse any backlash ("we weren't talking about him, we were just talking about people in general"..wink wink). And honestly, she's only 13. She is going to meet people like this during her years on this planet. I wish I had had someone give me a "generic" lesson in these sorts of matters.

GiveLove

Thank you, everyone, for your kind and thought-filled suggestions. I feel like I'm much better equipped to have a genuine conversation now. Thanks as always for your wisdom.

greeteachday

Great thoughts here and I do agree. GL, the "answer" seemed to be right in your post:

Your niece sees who Kate is by her actions, and so I imagine when asked as PeaceTeach suggests, her answer will be what she knows.

Hugs, GL. Enjoy your visit. I suspect your niece is very excited about spending time with her wonderful Aunt!!

GiveLove

My thanks again for all of the kindness and wisdom shared in response to my post.

The visit is over, it went wonderfully, and even though my niece's father was present, I was able to be calm, clear, and loving in my conversations that touched on "Kate." It really was quite freeing to be able to be myself in the face of the vast dysfunction that is my family, and to see that my little niece definitely has her own opinions about the situation. She misses Kate and I have little doubt that as soon as she is mobile and has her own car, she'll be a regular visitor to her house

On another note, Kate let me know today that she gave birth to a brand new baby son last week, her first child with the strong, quiet, stable, NON-alcoholic man she married last year.. This dark-eyed charmer will be part of the next generation, held in the protective arms of a family that is based on love and not liquor. I am so happy, so proud.

Thanks again, everyone

GingerM

Sounds to me like the niece has a good grasp on what's going on. I'm thankful for the update, GiveLove, and hope that you manage to continue to be a nice sober influence on this young woman's life.