BBD

As some of you know, my son has been addicted to cocaine. 2 weeks ago I told him I needed to take a break from our chatting almost daily. He's been good and has only called his dad once asking about building a deck. He has a new job and hopefully is finding himself but I don't bank on it. After going to rehab and relapsing a few times I have had a hard time keeping myself together~~~hense the stepping away. Today he got his gov't check in the mail here and we had a phone call from someone we know where he has his truck payment. She called my hubby and he hasn't called her back. He is NOT co-dependent at all.........what do you think?? Should I let him know the check is here and mention the call from the Credit Union??? We will be leaving Monday to fly across country to visit my sister for 10 days. His brother will also be going to Virginia camping with his family. No one will be around here if he falls.... God I hate this. I do so well and then have spouts of not knowing what to do. Thanks for any imput here...Smiles, Bonnie

Chino

Part of detachment and recovery is not to cause a crisis or prevent one.

Would you call if it was his brother's check and credit union? Will it compromise your serenity if you call?

That's the best answer I can come up with.

beegee

I think I would tell him because I am pretty sure he is aware his check is comming to your house.
I was worried that my ad got her check and didn't tell me but it came the day before she left and she did give it to me. I took it to help pay some of my debt from her.
I would mention the truck payment also. Hopefully he will do the right thing since he seems to be doing well now. I hope so for your sake.
((((HUGS))) and:praying for you all.

grateful2b

gotta echo Chino on this...the truck payment is his responsibility and he knows where his check is being mailed to...

BBD

OK. Thanks chino, beegee and Grateful2b. I really thought that was what I should do before we went away. I'll give him a call tomorrow during the day. I just found out he has moved towards the Buffalo area. My DIL called him to tell him that they would be away at the same time we are going. She reads my mind that girl~~~~~. Detachment is the hardest thing I have even done in my life. Especially when its your own son. I could just sit down and cry but I'm talking myself into being brave and smart this time. I so appreciate you all amd your wisdom. Smiles, Bonnie

greeteachday

Bonnie, you are doing grat. Detaching from our children isn't easy, but living in their drama and enabling their continued use is worse. Mom to mom hugs.

Chino

I've been thinking about something for a while now. When they were younger it was so easy to detach from their scrapes and scuffles, whether it was with us or others. If mine got in trouble at school I never had a problem with whatever disciplinary action was taken. If they got in trouble at home I never had a problem with doling out discipline either.

Right now my adult son, who has always been responsible and level headed, is struggling his way through budgeting. If he isn't careful he's going to find himself with a bad credit score. It hasn't even crossed my mind to offer to bail him out or assist him. I wouldn't have done it a couple of years ago either. I figure if he needs help he'll ask and I'll help him work out a real budget that's missing all the extras!

So why did I get sooooo involved with my daughter's dramas, before the addiction? The answer to that is where the root of my codependency exists, and it's taken me months and a really good therapist to figure out. Simply put, it's because I over-identified with her.

I saw her as an extension of myself and that's normal since she is my child. But I failed to see her as an individual. I didn't separate her successes and failures from my own. I was in so deep I didn't separate her character and her personality from mine, either.

As I went through counseling I realized I did this with friends too and, since birds of a feather flock together, they did it with me as well. I've finally broken the cycle but just like my RAD, I have to be careful about relapses.

Sorry to ramble on! It's just something that's been on my mind and your words jumped out at me.

Lobo

BBD
I struggle with this also. Somehow I just cannot get it with my daughter. I was able to detach from my sons and let them find there own way. (they are not addicts). My daughter was a different story. I was attached to her way before addiction. For me I don't know if it is a girl thing or what. I sometimes think I would have been different with her if there wasn't an addiction. I think I would have eventually been able to let go because I would have trusted that she was responsible and used good sense about life.
But because of her addiction, she didn't. I felt like I always needed to be there to be her good sense.

Chino, I think you said it all for me......everything I feel about my daughter.

Hugs...............Lo

marle

I know that I was overly enmeshed with my daughter before her addiction started. I wanted her life to be perfect so that she did not have to struggle like I did and when she had a bad thing happen to her, I flashed back on how I felt when the same thing happened to me. I gave her my feelings. When she went off to college I was finally starting to detach and then addiction took hold of her and off I went again. Trying so hard to stay one step ahead of her, cleaning up her messes. Until the messes became so big and I became so tired that I finally let go and let God have her. Now that she is in a halfway house I have to remember to let her do her thing and not become involved again because right now she is back to being pretty needy since she has no one else except her dad and me. Hugs, Marle